MIL says she doesn’t want baby at funeral but DH does

[KristinaYang]

FIL recently peacefully died, after short illness. MIL was very reluctant to have baby (11 months) round to visit during this time but encouraged older child age 11 to visit lots. We went with the flow and visited with one child, no children, both children etc so a real mix and we thought that was ok-no negative comments.

DH and I had previously noticed that in laws were/are not as interested in baby as they were/are with older child but had put it down to their older age this time round, plus then FIL becoming unwell. MIL has also made some negative comments about baby eg comparing them to sibling and saying they are given too much attention etc. I’m making this point as I wonder if that is clouding our thoughts a bit here?

Funeral is tomorrow. MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show. She is shocked we even considered it.
We don’t have any childcare for baby (though I could stay at home) but then older child would be alone at funeral as DH is reading a lot of the service. Older child was close to FIL and will be upset understandably.

DH says to all go as originally planned but I am on the fence, MIL expressly says no. I feel stuck in the middle, and I really don’t want to make MIL’s day worse, but my loyalty is to my DH. WWYD?

YANBU- Stick with DH
YABU- Follow MIL’s wishes

I think it's up to MIL about the baby, but she can't insist that 11yo is there if you are not - that's not right. So make it clear that you are happy to respect her wishes, but in that case only DH will be there.

I entirely get the thing about the older child being favoured - my DF is very ill and my DM has made it very clear she wants my oldest to visit but isn't that bothered about my younger DC. However, I think it's best to let the dust settle after FIL's passing to deal with this.

I don't think you should take the baby, it will cause massive offence if she's specifically asked you not to.

With your oldest, your MIL can't unilaterally demand he goes. Is there another relative who can sit with your DS at the funeral, other than your MIL? I'd feel really uncomfortable with the idea of him sitting next to her to comfort her, it's not fair to put such a big burden on him, but if he has a favourite auntie/uncle that might work.

I'd sit down and explain that you can't be there with him but he will be sitting with someone else, and give him the choice of whether or not he'd like to go.

Is the baby allowed to come for the funeral tea?

I think in this situation I would urgently try to find childcare.

If this is genuinely not possible I would keep both children at home and do something nice with them to remember their grandfather (for the benefit of your 11 year old and yourself)

It does sound difficult OP, and agree with OPs that - when this is over - you need to work through your MILs issues with your baby (re her comments on baby getting too much attention etc).

I do think she is being unreasonable, But I would not ignore MILs wishes for the funeral. It’ll only cause damage to your relationship with her. If I were you I’d stay at home with the baby. Can your 11 year old not sit with MIL/another relative during the service? Funerals aren’t long, and 11 isn’t that young - surely they’d be ok when Dad is doing his reading? It’s a family event after all.

I’d discuss it again with DH and go with what he wants. It’s an awful situation but your DH needs you more than MIL.

Do you have a trusted friend who can support you by accompanying you to the venue and then taking the baby for just the duration of the service, while you stay with the 11-year old and your DH does his part in the service?

I attended a funeral with DH and our 9 month old. There was no one I was comfortable leaving our child with as a babysitter so it was bring her or I stay home. I sat in the back row and ended up having to step out and miss most of the service. I don’t regret attending because the family and DH preferred we try to attend as much as possible.

in your situation, mIL doesn’t want the baby there and even if you do attend, you won’t be able to be up front supporting your husband and older child . With an 11 Month old, you have to stay near the door in case you need to make a quick discrete exit.

I hate stuff like this people treating funerals like weddings with who is welcome and who isn't.

That said her wishes should be respected and dh take the older dc.

it's his father's.

I wonder if these responses are purely based on sex.

I;d be interested to see the responses if FIL was banning his daughter from bringing her child.

You need to ask one of your friends to do you a favour and mind the baby. The baby will be fine, and what friend would not do you a favour at a sad time, in essentially an emergency?

I know what it’s like having a child that age, they do take up all your attention and on this day your role is to be there for your DH and 11 year- old, whom you will not be able to support properly if responsible for the baby. Also, we’re not close to FIL yourself? You will be upset too.

I took a friend with my to push my then 13month old round the crem as we had the service and then she left and we all went to the wake. Tbh having him toddling around was a brilliant distraction At a very distressing time. (Young BIL funeral)

I disagree. I wouldn't present it as an ultimatum as such though obviously, just a " we can't get a baby sitter, some one will need to sit with attending children and dh can't if he's reading so what would you like to happen?" Obviously said in a very kind manner.

I'm sure she didn't mean "steal the show" like that, more likely she meant she doesn't want a crying baby disrupting the funeral service.
She's grief stricken and can be forgiven for not taking time to choose her words carefully so as not to upset you.
You are unreasonable for considering going against her wishes.

That’s a dilemma. I’d probably want to stay away with both kids and start to cut down contact with mil, but in reality would find a way to be there to support dh without taking the baby, then have the conversation about fairness between siblings later.
I grew up in a family where it’s normal and expected to take kids to a funeral, and whilst I’d respect her choice in the interests of family harmony surely you can’t control who turns up if it is in a public place of worship anyway?

I don't think you should take the baby to a funeral, but also, your MIL has shown her true colours with her "steal the show" comments. She doesn't want the baby to get more attention than her, and she has already made it clear that she prefers the older one.

I get that you want to be there for your son, but if the baby cries and you have to go out, then you won't be there for the older one anyway?

It should be the 11 year old's choice as well, whether they feel like they want to go or not. If they do go, then yes, they should be with a parent at all times.

You need to respect her wishes and either make arrangements for the baby to be taken care of or not go yourself.

Yes its his father and that's a great loss. But when the funeral is over he will go home to his life partner and children and his mum will go home alone.

Seems like a good idea.

My pfb was almost 2 when my mum died.

I couldn't have been doing with trying to entertain them/keep them quiet at the service.

But yes, welcome distraction/relief at the wake.

11 months is hardly a babe in arms who's likely to sleep.

Could be toddling & babbling away!

That is a lovely idea and a wonderful solution.

OP, could this be possible for you? I know if a friend asked me to help in this way, I would be happy to show up for an hour or so and disappear when necessary.

Sorry @ImAvingOops I wasn’t meaning to quote you

I’m sorry, but losing a spouse is much more difficult than losing a parent as an adult. We expect our parents to die before us. We often have not lived with them for many years. We probably didn’t either see them decline slowly and relentlessly though being with them every single day, or witness them die suddenly on what we thought was just going to be a day like any other. We are not facing a home with one side of the bed empty and our best friend no longer there. We are not facing our own mortality.

My Dad died when I was 25. My Mum never really got over it. I did.

Don’t take your baby to the funeral, MIL made a very strange comment but in this situation I would respect her wishes.
I also wonder if putting your older child with someone else who could focus on him and give him moral support is an option.
Also could you be on sort of standby in case your older child is upset and need to be collected earlier.

I don’t see why MILs wishes should trump DP’s. It was his father and he’s entitled to have the support he wants at the funeral, which means his wife and all of his DC. Most good, loving parents are able to put the needs of their children ahead of their own needs and it’s sad that MIL is only thinking of herself and not considering her son. It’s not fair for him to either have to attend his Dad’s funeral without his wife because you’re minding the baby or to have to be worrying about the baby being left with a random last minute babysitter whilst at the funeral. I also think MIL is being ridiculous thinking a baby is going to ‘steal the show,’ she sounds very self-absorbed and like she wants the day to be all about her and not about remembering FIL together with his closest family and friends.

I find it your MILs wishes and comments odd, I don't believe it's just grief talking. You all go or just DH. You are a family, your FIL's family. If baby cries, you and baby and your 11 year old step outside, simple.