MIL says she doesn’t want baby at funeral but DH does

[KristinaYang]

FIL recently peacefully died, after short illness. MIL was very reluctant to have baby (11 months) round to visit during this time but encouraged older child age 11 to visit lots. We went with the flow and visited with one child, no children, both children etc so a real mix and we thought that was ok-no negative comments.

DH and I had previously noticed that in laws were/are not as interested in baby as they were/are with older child but had put it down to their older age this time round, plus then FIL becoming unwell. MIL has also made some negative comments about baby eg comparing them to sibling and saying they are given too much attention etc. I’m making this point as I wonder if that is clouding our thoughts a bit here?

Funeral is tomorrow. MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show. She is shocked we even considered it.
We don’t have any childcare for baby (though I could stay at home) but then older child would be alone at funeral as DH is reading a lot of the service. Older child was close to FIL and will be upset understandably.

DH says to all go as originally planned but I am on the fence, MIL expressly says no. I feel stuck in the middle, and I really don’t want to make MIL’s day worse, but my loyalty is to my DH. WWYD?

YANBU- Stick with DH
YABU- Follow MIL’s wishes

My point is that you, and numerous PPs, are behaving as if OP is attending the funeral of a long lost friend and chose a random baby off the street to take with her! I can't decide if people are being deliberately obtuse, or why.

Because it's her husband's funeral

The 11 year could sit with his mil while dh is up doing his readings surely? If they're as close and it sounds it sounds. I was 10 when my gran died, my parents were divorced and my dad didn't want my mother there, he was a twat most of the time my dad but he wasn't unreasonable not wanting his hostile ex in the front rows where I'd be and I didn't want to say at the back of the church.

Ideally you would be able have someone look after your baby and go and support them both but I'd not take a baby to funeral anyway in case they cried and disrupted things, the only way I'd take a baby is if I'm at the very back and not in the front with immediate family and can be out of there in seconds if baby starts but that might actually be worse for your eldest and he'd either have to leave with you when baby cries, or be actually by himself while his gran and other immediate family are at the very front.

I don’t have siblings and my parents died a few years ago, I do have friends but no one has babysat baby for us before, to be honest I’ve not needed it!
I guess I could look online for a babysitter but I'm not sure I’m too happy to do that at such short notice? The funeral is 9.30am!

There’s really mixed comments, and that’s how I feel, really mixed on it… I want to support DH obviously but equally I can’t imagine my grief if I were to lose him so I do understand how MIL must be suffering terribly.

MIL has said older child must be there (was close to FIL and child does want to go).

We don’t have any childcare for baby

^^ for the benefit of posters who didn't bother to read the OP properly and have recommended that she leave her baby with someone else.

This is a difficult position to be in @KristinaYang. I think the only thing you can do is stay at home with the children and your DH goes on his own. Can you join them afterwards?

Dh should go alone. You stay at home with both children.

Hmm - does seem odd to me. Dd brought a small EBF baby to the funeral of a very close friend. Nobody raised any objection. Of course she’d have taken him out if he’d started fussing, but he didn’t.

I took that same dd to a GM’s funeral when she was only 15 months. I did end up taking her out, because she wanted to run around, but even the lovely vicar told me afterwards that there was really no need.
My GM wouldn’t have given a hoot, I know that much.

Mil wishes need to be respected. However compromise and neither child should attend and DH goes alone.

And I don't think I'd even do that if one if the main grievers has asked for no babies. They'd be in high alert for your baby crying and because you said they seem to not have the same relationship with youngest. I'd actually be reluctant to give her any reason to have any (unjustified) resentment towards baby if they cry and disrupt and you take a few mins to leave.

I would stay at home with the baby if that is her wish. Could your son also do a reading so he could go to the front to stay with his dad.

My great nephew who is 6 just did a reading at his grandads funeral.

OP, this loss belongs to MIL and DH, so you have to be respectful of what they both want. Here, with the clash, I'd prioritise MIL's wishes and either arrange childcare (the ideal scenario) or stay at home with the baby if you can't.

Her wording may be clumsy, but you know as well as I do that babies can start crying at any time, no rhyme or reason, and she may not find normal baby noise comforting whilst she's trying to listen to her husband's service. Rightly or wrongly, she's allowed to have her own opinion on it. Some people like babies there - circle of life and all that jazz - some don't. Neither opinion is wrong, but those who are closest to the deceased should have their opinions taken seriously.

MIL knew FIL for longer, and she was his next of kin, so the funeral decisions ultimately belong to her. If she has an issue with your baby, that's something to address another day when she's not newly grieving.

My condolences to the family.

She can't insist that 11 year old is there but baby is not. I know it's her husband's funeral but there does have to be some thought on her part about her son!
Its very difficult though since no one wants a row at a time like this

Is there noone who could sit outside with the baby for the service ? Would mil not be sat with dh and your older dc?

Babies are unpredictable nobody wants to listen to a baby cry and make noise through a funeral service
that’s the point

I think one of your friends might step up at a time like this. I have done similar.

As the comment from MiL was so recent they would understand the last minute nature of your request. Does your baby have a favourite amongst your friends?

I would ask a friend to have the baby for the service and leave after the service I think. Your DH and soon could go to the wake.

Yanbu to be feeling hurt OTOH babies can ruin the service if they become upset.

I was close to DP's grandmother at the time I foolishly brought DS to the funeral Mass but left after 5 minutes, his babbling wasn't appropriate.

I'd suggest that too.

I think your MIL’s view wins here. I didn’t want any children at dd’s funeral, even cousins. Grief can be irrational and hard to explain (‘steal the show’ might have come out badly).

Let the children sit between the dad and the grandma. The baby will cry. That will elicit cries. It's better to stay home you are supporting her this way even though it is tough.

Lost the plot? No she’s just lost her husband, have some compassion.

OP are there no childminders/nannies etc nearby who could have baby for literally an hour while you support your DH at his dads funeral.

Her husband's funeral isn't the place to make a stand on this with MIL.

Your loyalty is to your DH. Do what he wants. I can't believe your mil being so ridiculous.

If your mil actually said she doesn't want your baby to 'steal the show', that says a huge amount about her. Probably even more reason you should be there to support your husband.

Definitely do not stay at home as your 11 year old needs you. Even if your husband wasn't doing readings it is totally reasonable that both you and your husband want to be there to support your 11 year old.

Being widowed doesn't provide the right to ignore everyone else's feelings.

Do not book an 11th hour random babysitter either, you shouldn't have to risk your baby's safety to keep your mil the centre of attention.

Does your mil have form for selfish behaviour?

I don’t think it’s appropriate to take a baby to a funeral, irrespective of their relationship to the deceased.

Could you ask a friend to have the baby for the duration of the service, it will
likely only be around 40 mins and then take them to the wake afterwards?

I think the MIL wishes should be the priority!
It would be very insensitive to go against her wishes .
There are absolutely no guarantees that the baby will remain quiet 🤐