MIL says she doesn’t want baby at funeral but DH does

[KristinaYang]

FIL recently peacefully died, after short illness. MIL was very reluctant to have baby (11 months) round to visit during this time but encouraged older child age 11 to visit lots. We went with the flow and visited with one child, no children, both children etc so a real mix and we thought that was ok-no negative comments.

DH and I had previously noticed that in laws were/are not as interested in baby as they were/are with older child but had put it down to their older age this time round, plus then FIL becoming unwell. MIL has also made some negative comments about baby eg comparing them to sibling and saying they are given too much attention etc. I’m making this point as I wonder if that is clouding our thoughts a bit here?

Funeral is tomorrow. MIL has today said baby is not welcome as she doesn’t want them to steal the show. She is shocked we even considered it.
We don’t have any childcare for baby (though I could stay at home) but then older child would be alone at funeral as DH is reading a lot of the service. Older child was close to FIL and will be upset understandably.

DH says to all go as originally planned but I am on the fence, MIL expressly says no. I feel stuck in the middle, and I really don’t want to make MIL’s day worse, but my loyalty is to my DH. WWYD?

YANBU- Stick with DH
YABU- Follow MIL’s wishes

OP,

Do as she asks.

Let your son go with your husband, he will be fine.

She sounds like hard work, irrespective of her bereavement.

100% agree.

I’d ask a friend to watch your baby for the duration of the service, they could always meet you there then it’ll only be 45 minutes or so then take the baby to the wake. I would respect your MIL wishes on this one as there is no real need for your baby to be there and you and the family can focus on the service and then take your baby to the wake. This is what I did for my Grandma’s funeral when my daughter was 15 months old and for a friend’s funeral when she was just 4 months old. It never occurred to me to take my baby to either due to the risk of her interrupting the service or me needing to step outside with her. I think think this is a time where you need to keep things simple for your MIL and her views trump everyone else’s. I think it would be different if it was a child who was old enough to remember going.

This. Don't be cruel to make a point on this particular day. A baby doesn't need to be there.

I think I’d give your MIL a pass on this one. She is grieving, your father in laws’s passing will absolutely affect her the most. Your baby will not provide her with support or comfort at this time.

I’d deal with the favouritism issue in the longer term.

Can you absolutely not get anyone to mind them baby? I understand if you can’t, that isn’t always an option, but obviously I’m sure you really want to support your husband.

It is not a good situation.

Why would the 11 year old need to step outside because the baby cried? And of course it's not just about the baby crying it's about the baby crying/calling out/ squawking/fussing/ disturbing the service which is what 11 month old children do.

Grief has no hierarchy. You dont speak for everyone else. (Sorry about your dad though).

It's your MIL who will be going back to an empty life. Not you or your DH. Her wishes are paramount. Babies are a distraction so it's perfectly understandable why she doesn't want one at the funeral.
I know it's silly to presume anything on Mumsnet, but I'll take the chance of presuming that your elder child wont be alone. That there will be other relatives there. If the elder child needs mollycoddled throughout the entire service, then he/she shouldn't be there either.

I'd get someone to meet you at church/ crematorium and take baby for a walk whilst you're inside.

Funerals aren't long events.

That's a compromise

I agree, and wonde if the sex of the children is a factor too?

I would ask a friend to walk around locally with the baby during the service and then you and the baby go straight home after.

DH will just have to tell MIL that DC11 won’t be able to go unless you bring the baby too. Let her decide what she feels is more important.

Having been to a funeral recently where a baby of a similar age was present, please do not bring the child.
most of the eulogy was missed with the parents either shushing or getting up to leave/come back/ getting up to leave because the baby was bored witless and was making a lot of noise.
it was incredibly upsetting for the majority of us but the parents felt they were reasonable.

I don’t agree with small babies and toddlers at funerals. Some parents do bring them because they will steal the show and claim there is no one in the whole wide world who will be able to babysit.

honestly - stop making it about your child and let your MIL decide what sort of funeral she wants for her husband.

I think the 'stealing the show'comment is massively telling.

Fwiw, I dont necessarily think the baby does need to attend, but I dont understand why people are claiming to not possibly understand how in any way Op is being unreasonable.

It’s not as valid at all. The contempt for a woman who’s just lost her husband of decades is appalling.

I really don't understand this, how can anyone think that a son losing his father is "not as valid at all"? I don't have any content for someone losing their husband but definitely think of losing your parent as being on a similar level.

Her reason to not want the baby there is really illogical and throwaway. Why on Earth would the baby be the focus of the funeral? Obviously you will take them out if they cry. I would base my decision primarily on whether you actually have decent childcare available, which it sounds like you don't.

MIL needs to be there, DH you and DS11 need to be there. So naturally you need to take the baby. She needs to be practical.

Is this worth falling out with your MIL over, especially as she’s grieving her husband and it’s all very raw?

I do understand why your husband feels the way he does but I think the widow should have the final say. Is there really no one at all could have the baby just for the service?

If you stay at home with the baby, would there be another relative at the funeral who could sit with your husband and son, and support your son during the time that your husband isn't next to him?

I would pull out all the stops to have someone look after the baby during the service ( they are not terribly long as that is what MIL has asked for. It is not baby's day. If DH can agree with MIL that baby should be there , different point entirely. What I would not do is just turn up unexpected with baby . Elder DS will not be there on his own if he can sit with Granny / other relatives whilst his father is doing readings. I do think that it is MIL's choice - that said it is also a very important day for your DH - so they should sort it out between them . As others have said - this is not the day to make a point about favouritism. Pick your times for that discussion & this IMHO is not one of them.

Havent read all of the replies but could you go but wait outside whilst the service is on?, I understand your son is 11 and MIL wants him there, but if his dad is doing readings and carrying his own grief then who supports the son if you cant be there OP?.

Either way if you go you upset MIL and if you dont you upset your DH, maybe he wants you there to support him.....its a tough one 💐

Your son will be seated in the front row if I’m not mistaken? He won’t be far away from his father.

What a dilemma OP - particularly as MIL has said that the your older child “must” be there. The only thing I can think of that might work is maybe a friend could meet you at the crematorium/wherever funeral service will be held and take the baby for a walk round the grounds in pram while the service takes place. The services are generally not very long. Once the formal part of the day is over, friend walks baby back to meet you at the car, and you take baby home while DH and older child go on to the wake, if there is one?

This way you are there to support DH and your older DC, baby is there and with you all until just before the service, and will be able to see DH after service for cuddles while still respecting MIL’s wishes - no interruptions during the service, and focus at that time entirely on late FIL.

Steal the show is indeed a very poor choice of words. I would interpret them to mean "I would very much appreciate this time to share grief with people who understand what is happening. An 11 month old is too young to understand the etiquette and too old to be babe-in-arms. Please keep the little wriggler away."

The favouritism must be addressed but not now. Right now I would choose to stay away from the service with my 11 month old and rejoin the family at the wake.

I’m pretty confident in my general analysis, even if there are(as ever) some exceptions to the rule. And I’d be willing to bet my house on the MIL in this situation being more deeply affected by the death than the husband.

Also with the baby there that would make it much harder to support your older child. If the baby cries you will presumably take them straight out so how could you support the other child?