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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asked my partner If he'd considered marriage in our future, not sure about the response

195 replies

Caribou1 · 07/07/2022 21:31

He's 27 and I'm 31. Been together a little over 2 years and marriage is important to me. I don't think I could be with someone who didn't want to marry me. (They usually end up married to another woman within a year)

Anyway I decided tonight that it's a good time to talk about it. I know he's slightly younger than me, and he's not intending to get engaged right now, which is fine. However I'd like to know if he envisages it within the next couple of years.

I asked him and he said, "Aww, you're so sweet." He said 'yeah?' tentatively, but it wasn't a definite 'Yes, 100%'.
He then joked, 'yes as long as you're ok with all my other wives' (it's his sort of humour).

I don't know, I felt embarrassed after, maybe I'm reading into it too much? He didn't really say, "Yes I'd love to one day,". Or "yes I've been thinking about it too." Etc.

I know I put him on the spot a little but it's important to know where you stand. I'm worried he just said it to be polite.
He said he did want to have children, when in a good financial position. He does work, but looking for a higher paid role.

OP posts:
WishILivedInThrushGreen · 07/07/2022 21:32

He's not ready.

Have a long hard think.

Original poster
Caribou1 · 07/07/2022 21:33

It's totally fine if he's not ready right now, but ideally he will be in a couple of years.

OP posts:
minuette1 · 07/07/2022 21:36

He's 27 and not looking for marriage right now by the sounds of things. Most guys (and women actually) that I know don't tend to get married until their 30s. So it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't want to specifically marry you, but only time will tell - if you are prepared to stick around.

Original poster
Caribou1 · 07/07/2022 21:37

I guess it depends, know quite a few people who were married between 28-30.
You're right, time will tell.
I'd be prepared to wait another year or two

OP posts:
Rainbowpurple · 07/07/2022 21:39

In 4 years he will be 31 and you will be 35. He will still be young enough to string you along but your fertility will be decreasing.

Have a good think about what you want before commiting to the relationship long term.

Original poster
Caribou1 · 07/07/2022 21:39

Maybe I am rushing things? But as I say it was just a chat to see if I'd be considering it in the future

OP posts:
Sisisimone · 07/07/2022 21:39

I'm sorry but I think after dating for 2 years and at 27 you would definitely know

Original poster
Caribou1 · 07/07/2022 21:40

Yes you're right..well I mean i definitely wouldn't wait another 4 years, I'd say 2 at most.

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 07/07/2022 21:41

Sorry but he's not that into you.

I've said YABU because at 27 lots of guys are still playing the field. Maybe in 3 to 8 years time he will be open to marriage. He doesn't sound worth the wait.

My dh wanted marriage and I wasn't bothered so he told me firmly he intended to get married! Implication was if not to me then someone else. I got on board with the idea because I loved him and its what he wanted. I did tell him I wanted to wait til I was 30 to get engaged. We got together young.

2 years is a bit soon to start demanding a life plan. I do think with the right guy you don't have to try so hard.

Mally100 · 07/07/2022 21:41

Sisisimone · 07/07/2022 21:39

I'm sorry but I think after dating for 2 years and at 27 you would definitely know

This. Sorry but by now you either know or you are wasting time. He sounds like he was brushing you off but making it lighthearted.

Original poster
Caribou1 · 07/07/2022 21:43

I wasn't demanding a life plan, I only asked him what he thought, didn't say he has to do anything by X number of years.
We've lived together for over a year and he does seem very committed to me.
I will wait another year i think, then ask. But I know I can't wait around for years on end.

OP posts:
SnowyLamb · 07/07/2022 21:44

I don't think he plans to marry you while you're comfortably young enough to have children. That's the conversation you need to have.

Original poster
Caribou1 · 07/07/2022 21:44

I did tell him that I took into account he was a little younger and maybe not quite ready. I don't know what to think really. I want to believe he'll be ready within the next couple of years

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 07/07/2022 21:44

I've had other friends give the marriage or split ultimatum and the guy agreed to marry. I guess you only hear the happy endings.

VincaBlue · 07/07/2022 21:44

Do you know when you'd like to start trying for children by?

Sisisimone · 07/07/2022 21:45

minuette1 · 07/07/2022 21:36

He's 27 and not looking for marriage right now by the sounds of things. Most guys (and women actually) that I know don't tend to get married until their 30s. So it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't want to specifically marry you, but only time will tell - if you are prepared to stick around.

I think even if couples don't get married until around 30 they don't dodge around the issue with their partner if they know its what they want. I was 29 when I married and DH 30 but we met at 23 and were engaged within a year. We decided to do other things before getting married (went travelling for 2 years then renovated a house) but we definitely knew it was what we wanted. I think him trying to fob you off with humour gives you the answer you need OP.

SunscreenCentral · 07/07/2022 21:45

If you know you have goals (marriage, children, whatever) get out now and give yourself the recovery time to build up your social life again.

Original poster
Caribou1 · 07/07/2022 21:45

Not ready for a while for children to be honest, I mean , maybe even a couple of years from now.

OP posts:
VincaBlue · 07/07/2022 21:45

Sorry the thread moved on while I posted

Pleasebeafleabite · 07/07/2022 21:45

Sisisimone · 07/07/2022 21:39

I'm sorry but I think after dating for 2 years and at 27 you would definitely know

He’s practically still in nappies

Original poster
Caribou1 · 07/07/2022 21:45

Lots of mixed answers :(

OP posts:
Namechanger355 · 07/07/2022 21:46

Sorry op but I think he is wasting your time - I know that’s difficult to hear but it’s better to realise that now before it’s too late

27 is v v young for a guy to settle down - very sadly early 30s are not so young for a woman as fertility declines. He may not be ready until he is early 30s by which time your fertility will already have decreased.

Sisisimone · 07/07/2022 21:47

Pleasebeafleabite · 07/07/2022 21:45

He’s practically still in nappies

Show quote history

What? He's almost 30 ffs. Why do we infantalise men so much. Ridiculous

Namechanger355 · 07/07/2022 21:48

Caribou1 · 07/07/2022 21:45

Not ready for a while for children to be honest, I mean , maybe even a couple of years from now.

A couple of years isn’t long if he doesn’t want them in a couple of years

you would need time to meet someone else etc. Not trying to panic you but do you really think he would be ready to have kids at 29?!

Original poster
Caribou1 · 07/07/2022 21:48

Is it really? I guess I thought engaged at 28/29 ish wasn't that rare really.
Maybe he was genuine and does want to in a couple of years.

OP posts: