Asked my partner If he'd considered marriage in our future, not sure about the response

[Caribou1]

He's 27 and I'm 31. Been together a little over 2 years and marriage is important to me. I don't think I could be with someone who didn't want to marry me. (They usually end up married to another woman within a year)

Anyway I decided tonight that it's a good time to talk about it. I know he's slightly younger than me, and he's not intending to get engaged right now, which is fine. However I'd like to know if he envisages it within the next couple of years.

I asked him and he said, "Aww, you're so sweet." He said 'yeah?' tentatively, but it wasn't a definite 'Yes, 100%'.
He then joked, 'yes as long as you're ok with all my other wives' (it's his sort of humour).

I don't know, I felt embarrassed after, maybe I'm reading into it too much? He didn't really say, "Yes I'd love to one day,". Or "yes I've been thinking about it too." Etc.

I know I put him on the spot a little but it's important to know where you stand. I'm worried he just said it to be polite.
He said he did want to have children, when in a good financial position. He does work, but looking for a higher paid role.

After 2 years, I think most people have a pretty good idea whether they feel this relationship has long term potential

I'd suggest you either (a) propose to him or (b) tell him that you feel you may not be on the same page and are starting to consider whether YOU feel you wish to stay in the relationship. If he doesn't want to lose you, then he'll up his game

Please don't be one of the many on here who hold out for years for the perfect proposal, only to be dumped by a man who was never seriously interested

He should know by 2 years of he wants to marry you (in the future). What else is there to know about each other? Surely he knows if he loves you by now

I think the age gap is the issue. It's not big, but given he's the younger one it still means he's at a different stage of life to you. Unfair I know, but biology's a bitch. Sorry.

you get engaged in the next 6 months, say married summer 2024, you wont be TTC until you are 33/34,

^ no need for this faffing about. You can skip the engagement and just set a date for within six months.

I guess this is why the majority of women are with a man a bit older than them - it all fits better. If he were 35 instead of 27, compared to your age of 31, then maybe you’d be married around now.

I don’t think 27 is too young for a man to get married, but I suppose it’s fairly young these days.

If you wait 2 years and he doesn’t want to get married and have children, then you may be in a difficult position. How long would it take you to go from being newly single to finding someone, marrying them? Say three years would be quick, anything less would be quite unusual.

Even being optimistic that leaves you starting to try for your first baby at 36, which, although plenty of women can, is far from ideal.

I think if you’ve been with someone for 2 years and living with them for a year then if you can’t say you see yourself being married to them, they’re not the one for you, unfortunately.

I would talk to him again and if he isn’t 100% convincing you then cut your losses if marriage and children are important to you.

I think you need to have a serious conversation to gauge where he is and for him to know exactly what you want.

Personally I couldn’t be with someone who was prepared to risk my fertility (as I knew I would like to try for kids - if they were infertile I wouldn’t mind but being ‘unsure’ and stringing me along would be a red flag for me).

Are any of his good friends married or engaged yet? If they aren't then it might be difficult for him to see himself at that stage yet, given he's that bit younger than you. I was single at 31 and it did worry me as I wanted kids. I think time for you is quite crucial.

That's what I am wondering, my husband is 40, he's been married nearly 13 years.

Most of the women I was working with in my last job were 10 years younger than me and they are nearly all married or engaged so I don't think this is the norm.

Engagements tend to be longer because weddings are more expensive (or can be, I wasn't that bothered personally) and sometimes couples are saving for a deposit for a house before marrying which can take longer. But from what I see I don't think getting to the engaged stage is taking much longer than it did those of us 10 years or so older.

Why is everyone saying they live together? Where does it say they live together?

He's 27 OP. He might not be ready for another 20 years.

Move on. And deffo don't even consider having kids with him. At 27 he should be looking at dating 21+ for his maturity level.

Also why was a 30yr old interesting in dating a 25yr old bloke? 🤢 They're so immature!!

One of the ops posts says they have lived together for over a year

IMO Marriage is one of those things that you have to be 100% certain you are doing the right thing for the right reasons. You don’t get married just to please somebody else, irrespective. I understand where the OP is coming from but it’s gotta work for him too. Don’t push somebody into something they’re not ready for.

Op you’re asking the guy how he will feel in a couple of years. Like most normal people he has no idea. Right now he doesn’t wish to marry you. That’s it. He doesn’t have a crystal ball. He is not going to predict the future.

Hi OP I married a man four years younger than me - we were 22 and 26 and became parents at 24 and 28. Young for me - VERY young for him. But we loved each other and the age didn't really matter tbh. He was probably too young but the point is he knew that if we didn't marry it would be over. If your OH values yoiur relationship he will.step up. But you need to make it clear. However I think he has already made it clear.

This, totally.

The Mums in my child's reception class ranged from 36 to 56. 80% of them first children and siblings were all only a year older. The Dads from 38 to 57.

It's possibly the middle class area the school is in, but very late 20s-mid 30s is about the norm for Mums and about 33-43 is the norm for dads these days. And from what I gather from birthday party convos, the kids with the younger Dads were mostly 'surprises'.

@Covidagainandagain Aha, thank you! I just found it.

When my boyfriend and I had been together a year, I made it clear that due to my age then (early 30s) I would be happy to stay with him for another 18 months max but would want to then start trying for a baby at that point as if he didn't want to by then, I wouldn't personally want to try for a baby with anyone else until I had been with them for a similar amount of time which would mean best case scenario starting to try in my later 30s which while fine (obviously) does mean it could be tougher to conceive. I asked him to promise me to tell me if any point during that 12-18 months he felt he didn't want that after all.

He was on board and I was extremely clear and firm on the fact that if he changed his mind at that point it was absolutely up to him and fair, but that it would mean I walked. We started trying just before the time mentioned above and are still trying (typical!) but he's fully on board and I think having a clear plan and transparency made us a stronger couple looking forward to a shared vision of the future we have planned.

I've not been with someone before who I would have felt able to have that open conversation with and I think that's a sign I knew it was different with him and definitely influenced by the fact that being a parent is a priority for me so the luxury of multiple 2-3 year relationships had started to feel like a poor reflection of my priorities if that makes sense?

I think whether or not you want kids is a huge factor in this just because of the huge discrepancy in at what age men and women's fertility dips.

Wow. Your poor Husband.

You coerced him in to marriage at just 22?

Marriage might not be important to him like it is to you. It’s not to me. I’m not religious and I cannot justify the expense or stress of a wedding.

I completely appreciate this point of view as it's a personal choice for everyone but these things don't need to be mutually exclusive.

I'm not religious and won't have an expensive, stressful wedding as it will be a extremely intimate.

It offers legal protection and benefits that marriage brings.

I'm not bothered about a wedding, at all, but I am bothered about being married.

Again, that's just personally.

Maybe going against the grain here but I don't think not being certain about marriage at 27 is particularly a red flag. He's practically a baby. I didn't even consider the idea of marriage until I was well into my 30s. Honestly if someone had asked me I'd have run a mile.

I think for a lot of people these days depending on demographics and so forth marriage is sort of unthinkable at that stage.

Also its the first time its come up so it has to percolate a bit before he thinks about it properly.

That said, its true that if you want to have children you don't want to be strung along indefinitely. You're still some way away from the point where you're up against it but it is something to think about.

I personally would cut him a bit of slack as its the first time its been raised and he's still very young. Maybe if he's still talking like this in a year you might want to think about other options.

Stop looking at other people. What do you want? Speak to him again and make it know it is a serious topic you would like to discuss with him. If he was joking around maybe he didn't notice you were serious.
Telling your partner of 2 years your wants and needs of a relationship is OK. I personally think it is highly preferable.

Because she says it:

We've lived together for over a year and he does seem very committed to me.

Sorry cross posted!