Asked my partner If he'd considered marriage in our future, not sure about the response

[Caribou1]

He's 27 and I'm 31. Been together a little over 2 years and marriage is important to me. I don't think I could be with someone who didn't want to marry me. (They usually end up married to another woman within a year)

Anyway I decided tonight that it's a good time to talk about it. I know he's slightly younger than me, and he's not intending to get engaged right now, which is fine. However I'd like to know if he envisages it within the next couple of years.

I asked him and he said, "Aww, you're so sweet." He said 'yeah?' tentatively, but it wasn't a definite 'Yes, 100%'.
He then joked, 'yes as long as you're ok with all my other wives' (it's his sort of humour).

I don't know, I felt embarrassed after, maybe I'm reading into it too much? He didn't really say, "Yes I'd love to one day,". Or "yes I've been thinking about it too." Etc.

I know I put him on the spot a little but it's important to know where you stand. I'm worried he just said it to be polite.
He said he did want to have children, when in a good financial position. He does work, but looking for a higher paid role.

Sorry I cross posted

If he knows he wants to be married generally, but doesn't know if he wants to be married to you, then why would you want to waste another 2 years on him working it out.

Bluntly you have been together 2 years, if he doesn't know yet whether he wants to spend the rest of his life with you then he probably doesn't.

After 2 years either he’s up for marriage and babies or he’s not. He’s not. So you need to move on and find someone who wants the same things at the same time.

A couple of my friends were infertile by 35, they thought they had ages but they didn’t.

You are 31, if you want kids (especially if you want more than one) it is time for a serious conversation of where you both stand, and don't accept awkward childish responses from him. Don't hold out for years for the romantic surprise proposal or for him to make up his mind/feel ready. You are 2 years in he should know by now whether he sees his long term future with you or not.

If marriage is important to you, tell him clearly. Tell him you want kids and you want to be married first, so it is time for him to put his cards on the table and get the ball rolling or let you go and find someone who wants the same as you.

If you get engaged in the next 6 months, say married summer 2024, you wont be TTC until you are 33/34, I get he is slightly younger, but he needs to acknowledge you are not and it is your fertility that will go first. I waited until I was 34 (for financial/job security reasons), time ran out and we are blessed with ds but never the 2-3 dc we wanted. You may regret hanging about (and I may be projecting too!).

Marriage might not be important to him like it is to you. It’s not to me. I’m not religious and I cannot justify the expense or stress of a wedding. We have two children together which I see as a good enough commitment. You need to speak to him a bit more to find out his views.

If your ages were reversed it might make sense, but I don’t see you as a couple, married with a child, in 5 years or 10 years.

Everyone here hates The Rules books but I've always found them to be scarily accurate.

The books say if a man isn't ready to marry you within a year or two years maximum that you should move on.

Don't, whatever you do, move in with him. It'll feel like a step towards marriage but it'll be a HUGE step back.

His "other wives" joke was him dodging the subject. I'd let him think about the marriage subject on his own for a couple months now, but then end things by Christmas/NYE if he hasn't brought it up by then.

You know really early in when you've met The One. I wouldn't throw ; years away on this man. Sorry.

Keep in mind that many women on here had babies who're now 27... My mum doesn't like that I'm an adult now either.

The average age for a first time marriage for a man is 34 in the UK but the average age for a first time marriage for a woman is 32. So, as a couple, you can't be "average" because he's younger than you are. The closest you (as a couple) could get to average would be to marry when you're 35 and he's 31. So, given that the average length of engagement is 2 years, it's as close to "average" as possible if you get engaged to him two years from now.

He's not that young, he's clearly a professional and behaves like an adult. I wouldn't read too much into his response - some men would response that way two days before proposing to throw you off. Some would respond that way to avoid sounding too intense about marriage. Some would say that to avoid telling you that they don't ever want to marry you.

No one on here knows you or your DP and everyone is just guessing and making assumptions. You won't get any actual insight into what your DP meant and will just worry yourself. Substitute in "husbands" in 'yes as long as you're ok with all my other wives' and you'd have exactly the kind of answer I'd have given my DH before we got engaged and I was madly in love with him and knew right from the start that I wanted to marry him and have children with him and by with him for the rest of my life.

Also I don't get the whole waiting around hoping a man might propose to you, but not knowing if he will or not.

If marriage is a partnership approach it like a partnership, don't let the man hold all the power from the start, come to it as equals. It might be a whole lot less romantic, but I prefer an equal partnership over the perfect proposal any day

Maybe he wasn't expecting the conversation and didn't really know what to say. Now you've introduced the topic, I'd give it a few days and then return to it. If he can't give you a clear answer then, I don't think it will ever come. 27 and 2 years into a relationship is enough time, don't waste more years of your life being strung along.

A wedding does not need to be religious, stressful or expensive. dh and I married with 3 weeks notice, registry office with no reference to religion, and it cost less than £500. We never even bothered getting engaged/engagement ring.

That is something they decide together as a couple what is important to them. Marriage may be important, wedding not so much.

I met Dh when he was 21 and I was 22, we were married 3 years later. We had our first child when I was 29 and he was 28. That first child is now 19.

In your shoes I would tell him that you want to sit down and have a serious conversation about marriage and children and set it for a couple of days time so he has time to think. Sadly time is not infinite for you. I was diagnosed with fertility issues, we weren't even TTC and had to bring our baby time line forward a couple of years. Sometimes life deals you curve balls. You need to know where you stand, how long before marriage etc.

You are living together and have been together alfieri 2 years. He was on the spot and made light. IMO, you would be foolish to plod on another year or two without a proper discussion at least. I would abstsay you feel like the conversation was a surprise and a little awkward, but you would like to have a proper talk. It is uncomfortable, for sure, but don’t sell yourself short.

Maybe you caught him by surprise so I would have a chat on Sunday maybe over a glass of wine and ask where he sees the relationship going over the next few years.

I was very honest with DH that if I were to give up my place and us to live together it would need to be when we were married. I wanted commitment and security and not just shacking up with someone and getting my heart broken in a few years.

I was with dh for a year, we got engaged and then got married the next year, so we're together for 2 years when we got married. I was 27, and he was 30 when we got married. That was right for us. Personally I think you know when you've met the person you want to marry. I was with my ex for 6 years before meeting dh, and he definitely didn't want to get married. Which I am unbelievably thankfully for now. If its something you want, you need to have a serious chat with him.

If you wait around another year or two you’ll potentially be looking for another partner at 32/33. You know you want children. Realistically that doesn’t leave a lot of time
for you to go from meeting someone to having kids. Of course, it’s certainly possible for women to meet someone and have children on that kind of timescale, but I’m not sure it’s advisable to get into a situation like that because you couldn’t have a serious conversation with your DP about it now. Also, your future together should be something you can speak about openly and freely with your DP. It’s not all
up to him - you should be two equals making decisions and life plans together. If he wants to be with you and he wants children he needs to get to grips with your (biological) timescale.

I must admit I can’t quite make my mind up which it is. On the one had I do think these days that 27 is pretty young for a man to get married, I think the average is about 30.

I guess the trouble here is that you are four years older and so if things don’t work out here you are maybe heading into your mid 30s before you have time to find someone else and get to that stage. I hasten to add, I have nothing against 4 year age gaps, indeed I am almost exactly four years older than DH, but we were older than you are now and things moved quickly for us so I didn’t have your dilemma.

You live together. Have a conversation. No need to wait a year or 2 for an answer. Even if he is not ready this second he should be able to say if he sees himself married at all or within the next x years. Or even if his answer is vague thag he doesn't know then you at least have some type of answer. And no, 27 is not too young to get married, engaged, have kids or to think about future with a partner that they live with.
He decided to joke because he didn't want to answer. Make him answer

If you’re 31 now and you split it could take a year or two to find someone else - 33, then you need to be together a couple of years to establish the relationship before ttc - that takes you to 35.

So even if you ended it tomorrow you’d be cutting it fine to have your first kid by 35.

That’s why you need to know this week whether he’s up for marriage and babies within the next couple of years. If not, you have no time to waste.

Have men got stunted maturity these days? My husband was 26 when he proposed, 27 (just) when we married and a father at 30. Nappies? Honestly.

After two years I would be expecting to be in love and not foreseeing anyone else in my future. I think he's happy with you but not particularly committed.

We were married with a newborn after two years dating at your age. Sometimes you have to go after what you want.

Why do you care what we think? It's your life. Is it important to you? YES. So get a clear answer then make an informed decision.

This.

I think you are sticking your head in the sand OP - he doesn’t just sound like someone not quite ready for marriage, he sounds like someone who hasn’t even thought about it, and/or who isn’t considering it with you.

I think he’s either 5 years off, or not at all.. I would move on.

He said no. Sorry but every answer that isn't 'Yes' is 'No'.
If he wants to marry you, but felt too young/wanted to wait a little, then he could get engaged and set a date for a year's time.

I don't think you can draw any conclusion at all from the conversation, the way you've described it. Sounds like you sprung the idea on him, albeit very casually. Yes, his response could indicate that he's no interest in marrying you, so just tried to brush it off as non commitally as possible. Or maybe he is quite up for it, just was a bit taken aback by by your suggestion. He might even have thought you were actually about to ask him! Or maybe he's not given it the slightest thought at all (a lot of men don't).

Now you've put the seed of the idea in his head, I'd give it a few weeks and then raise it again and see if any thoughts have crystalised in his mind. It is reasonable to then start the discussion about timescales - point out your age/fertility and that you want to know you're on the same page.