Asked my partner If he'd considered marriage in our future, not sure about the response

[Caribou1]

He's 27 and I'm 31. Been together a little over 2 years and marriage is important to me. I don't think I could be with someone who didn't want to marry me. (They usually end up married to another woman within a year)

Anyway I decided tonight that it's a good time to talk about it. I know he's slightly younger than me, and he's not intending to get engaged right now, which is fine. However I'd like to know if he envisages it within the next couple of years.

I asked him and he said, "Aww, you're so sweet." He said 'yeah?' tentatively, but it wasn't a definite 'Yes, 100%'.
He then joked, 'yes as long as you're ok with all my other wives' (it's his sort of humour).

I don't know, I felt embarrassed after, maybe I'm reading into it too much? He didn't really say, "Yes I'd love to one day,". Or "yes I've been thinking about it too." Etc.

I know I put him on the spot a little but it's important to know where you stand. I'm worried he just said it to be polite.
He said he did want to have children, when in a good financial position. He does work, but looking for a higher paid role.

My husband was 26 when we got married and 27 when we had our first. I don't think late 20s is too young. But it's whatever is right for you both and reasonable for you to want to ensure there is a future before you invest more time.

are his friends getting married?
i think that puts people in the mood to go for it themselves.

Bur, let’s be honest, most men just don’t feel this. Some are “ready” in the sense that they are tired of dating etc. But very few men naturally have a burning urge to marry someone and stay with them for the next 60 years when they are in their 20s. Men don’t naturally care about this. We push and nag them into it and then seem surprised when, 10 years on, they feel resentful and bullied and want out
In my experience it is the complete opposite and it is the man who, when they fall in love, are the decisive ones and pushing for marriage and commitment. They only have to be nagged into it when they don't want to marry that person, it's not that they don't want to marry. Hence seeing time and time again a man saying they don't believe in marriage then splitting up, finding someone new and marrying very quickly.

Is he worth waiting for?
When in a few years he could still not be in a better financial situation and decide it is a no to children and a no to marriage.
How would you feel in that situation?
Is he worth the risk?

Maybe we have a different perspective on this. I think the men who choose actively to pursue marriage after they have strung a previous partner along weren’t ready at the time and now think they might miss the boat,

I have to say deep down I don’t believe men ever really want to get married. Why would they? It’s a huge millstone.

In my experience, most men know after a few years and actively want to get married, or they make mildly committed noises, hit 30 and experience some sort of crisis. It's always around 30 for some reason.

If children are important to you, I'd move on. Clock is ticking.

If he was a little bit older or a little bit younger, I'd have a different view. But he's so close to that classic 30 crisis point and is making the usual noises that I bet he breaks up with you in a couple of years and is surprised at himself for wanting to do so. And then marries someone else within a year.

I've seen it happen so many times, it's laughably predictable. I don't think the men in the scenario are deliberately stringing the women along: they don't realise and won't admit to themselves, let alone their partners.

Whatever you do, don't agree to a plan of 'kids first, marriage later'. You'll never get married and you know then you're not marriage material to him, just useful for popping out a few kids before he fucks off to his next woman who he might marry.

If he says that, walk away. You've wasted enough time on him.

I get why people are saying he's practically in nappies to be honest. I'm seeing more and more men that are completely useless, and these are adults. I don't know how they manage to remember to breathe without being told, that kind of useless. Maybe he is one of them? Does he help around the house without being asked?

Hinges on children op.
If you want them then you need to raise it again and get a straight answer. He'll be expecting it this time.
If you aren't sure and are happy enough with him, wait it out. I know lots of people who weren't ready at 27 and were by early 30s. But the age difference means you don't have the time to find out if you want kids...

Everyone is different but for me, if I didn't know after 2 years and at that age, then it would be a long hard think about things.
Especially if children are in your future plans?
(Obviously you don't have to be married for kids but it can be useful legally)

I waited a long time to get married to DH, we were together at 16 and got married at 24/25.

Wow so you married him because it's 'what he wanted'

This.

in dating a woman 4yr older, unless he’s intellectually challenged he knows that that might mean commitment and kids a couple years earlier than his original ideal.

DH and I were your exact ages when we got married and had our first child. DH would have preferred to wait until 30 for a child if it was solely down to him but in choosing to be with me rather than someone else younger he understood without us even having to discuss it that we wouldn’t be hanging around years to commit. We met at 24 and 28 and were married with a house and child in three years. Sorry OP he doesn’t sound that into you. His attempt at humour is classic deflection. Move on. You shouldn’t have to pressure anyone into marriage, the right man will be keen to commit.

But, let’s be honest, most men just don’t feel this. Some are “ready” in the sense that they are tired of dating etc. But very few men naturally have a burning urge to marry someone and stay with them for the next 60 years when they are in their 20s. Men don’t naturally care about this. We push and nag them into it and then seem surprised when, 10 years on, they feel resentful and bullied and want out.

Ohh, that’s a rather cynical view, @Sisisimone . My DH proposed in his mid-20’s, because he was completely potty about me, head over heels in love. As was I. Neither of us thought about where we’d be in 60 years, tbh, we were madly in love and he wanted to propose romantically at a beauty spot.

As it happens, it started raining so we had to eat our picnic in the car and he proposed while I was eating a sandwich. 🤣

But we live in a culture where it’s typically the man who proposes to the woman, while the woman is socialised to passively wait until he decides to propose and not put too much pressure on. OP’s boyfriend saying that to me sounds like a classic deflection because he has no intention of proposing anytime soon. A woman saying it in the same situation would more likely be trying to play it cool and act unbothered so as not to scare the man off or ruin the ‘surprise’ (which is pure bullshit but the norm).

Absolutely agree. The myth that getting married has to be an expensive and stressful affair keeps wedding planners in business and people who don’t want marriage able to push it off with the excuse that it’s ‘too expensive’ while concealing the reality which is that they simply don’t want marriage.

We got married for £400 all-in (including all rings and dress) a few years ago, it was lovely. What we wanted and prioritised was the actual being married bit. You’re as married after a £150 ceremony as you are a £50k one.

I have the same age gap as you. I knew I wanted kids and marriage and had obviously mentioned this. I think we'd been together 18 months when we had a serious discussion about timelines and children, since I had been reading lots of Mumsnet and was acutely aware it was better to start sooner rather than later!

We got married when he was 25 and I was 29, had first DC when I was 31. He was one of the first of his friends to get married and have kids but others started following suit soon after.

27 is plenty old enough to have a discussion about marriage. Does he want it? Not want it? Knows age is on his side and isn't going to concern himself with commitment right now? If he keeps dodging the conversation, that's because he's avoiding saying something you don't want to hear.

You don't have the freedom he has when it comes to fertility, so you may have a hard conversation ahead. He's no partner if he won't address this.

I think you asked him an important question for the right reasons but you got a flip answer because it had'nt occured to him.

Its still an important question and just because it feels like "putting him on the spot" this is your future and you need to get a real considered answer.
It doesn't have to be unpleasant or come with an ultimatum, but you need to tell him why you are thinking along these lines and stop speculating.
You have to ask him, giving him time to think about it, how he feels about the future.
It's still valid for him to say I don't know, 27 is still relatively young, but equally valid for you to say, well will you think about it and let me know when you've come to a conclusion because it's something that I've been thinking about.

Don't wait a year as you said previously and ask again. You are both adults and you shouldn't have to spend a year on tenterhooks wondering, or comparing yourself to other couples.
I think after you've asked him in a non-pressurised way to think about the issue, the answer will start to become clear to both of you.
It takes some courage to put it on the table, but that's better than endlessly waiting for something that may never have been on the cards in the first place.

I'd be wanting a clear answer as to what his thoughts are about getting married i.e Does he ever want to ? Can he see himself married in the future ?
When does he 'see' this being a 'priority' for him ?

You don't have lots of fertile years and are 'against the clock' if you're not even thinking 'engagement' by late 20's. That's just the sad fact of it.

It takes people around 2 years to plan (and save for) a wedding. (Unless a quick registry office is what you want).

Then it takes another 2-3 years of saving to buy a big enough house/ have holidays before kids before many even think about TTC.

So you're 5 years older already, and that's without waiting another year to even ask him if he ever want to 'settle down' ? (And then there's the saving for the engagement ring etc before he might 'propose' !)

So, in reality, you could be looking at 5 to 6 years from NOW before you MIGHT be able to TTC, IF you manage/want to accomplish the 'usual' 'goals' of engagement, wedding, starter home then TTC....

Don't be afraid to tell him what YOUR life 'goals' are, and what 'time frame' you 'see yourself' doing them. It's up to him whether or not he agrees with them, but you need to know (and so does he) that you can't/ won't wait around forever.

If you are living together, then looking at marriage and kids is the next step. You are allowed to talk about it (a lot) if it is important to you. You asked him, he did not say yes - so that is a no. Ask him again, if you don't hear a yes, then that is another no, and I would walk.

Does he realise how women's fertility works?? I'm not sure many men do - it might not be something he's thought about.
it might be worth spelling out that if you'd like to have a kid before 35 (say), that means being pregnant at 34, married at 33... which is in 2 years.

Don’t try to convince him and explain about your feelings + fertility. If he wanted you he would have proposed already. He’s not that into you.
My BIL lived together with a girlfriend for 7 years. He then met someone else, fell in love and married within 7 months. We asked him why so fast and he asked “I don’t want lose this one!”

What I’d suggest is don’t down play how important this is to you for the sake of looking laid back.

Marriage is a very important goal to a lot of people and it seems these days a lot of people, mostly men from my experience, don’t “get it” in terms of setting a timeline for getting married. They want to have their cake and eat it too with a gf who acts like a wife.

Sometimes it’s worth the awkward conversations. I’ve done it! With a man who I thought would never get round to it. It didn’t ruin the proposal in the slightest. We’re now genuinely happily married, remember it doesn’t make you a “psycho” (hate that word) to try and gently figure out together where your future is going. It’s about your life too.

I don't understand some of the replies. Surely those of you who are married knew at the point of falling in love with the person you went onto marry, yep I want to marry this guy?

If it's right the feelings and thoughts of wanting to be with this person forever come naturally, potentially quite early on and certainly after living together. I don't think he is passionately in love with the OP and can't imagine life without her. I think he enjoys having her in his life and cares for her.

I know it's not what everybody does but my experience is that when a guy knows 'you're the one' he wants to build a life with he knows. It's been 2 years (dating? or living together?) if it's living together I would talk it though to clarify, before breaking up as sometimes guys are committed but don't see the value in the ceremony.
But yeah if he's not feeling it after 2 years he isn't going to.

He gave you a “non answer” because he didn’t wanted to tell you what he really thinks, it’s a form a polite gaslighting.

He’s fine the way things are and has no intention to take this relationship a step further but he doesn’t want to tell you.

He is NOT a child.

I'm pro good communication, talk to him again. So you could get a clear idea of his thoughts regarding marriage. There is nothing wrong communicating your wants.