Asked my partner If he'd considered marriage in our future, not sure about the response

[Caribou1]

He's 27 and I'm 31. Been together a little over 2 years and marriage is important to me. I don't think I could be with someone who didn't want to marry me. (They usually end up married to another woman within a year)

Anyway I decided tonight that it's a good time to talk about it. I know he's slightly younger than me, and he's not intending to get engaged right now, which is fine. However I'd like to know if he envisages it within the next couple of years.

I asked him and he said, "Aww, you're so sweet." He said 'yeah?' tentatively, but it wasn't a definite 'Yes, 100%'.
He then joked, 'yes as long as you're ok with all my other wives' (it's his sort of humour).

I don't know, I felt embarrassed after, maybe I'm reading into it too much? He didn't really say, "Yes I'd love to one day,". Or "yes I've been thinking about it too." Etc.

I know I put him on the spot a little but it's important to know where you stand. I'm worried he just said it to be polite.
He said he did want to have children, when in a good financial position. He does work, but looking for a higher paid role.

I know it's too late now, but I feel like this is something you should have found out while dating. It isn't as if you're asking the person whether they're going to marry YOU in the early days, but it is important to find out whether it is something they see in their future.

I asked my DH when he was 22 whether he wanted marriage and kids one day! He's 33 now and we are married with one DC. I'm 32.

It's such a waste of time for you to have spent 2 years together if marriage is a deal breaker and he doesn't want it. It's better to know before you fall in love.

In your situation I would just be upfront and say that marriage is really important to you and that you would really appreciate him letting you know his general feelings on marriage.

Bluntly you have been together 2 years, if he doesn't know yet whether he wants to spend the rest of his life with you then he probably doesn't.
This ^ 100%
DH and I were 25 and less then one year together when he said that he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me and I knew it’s the same for me. We didn’t marry the next day after our conversation and we had our daughter much later but it’s not about this it’s about commitment. .
27 is not a child, he’s grown up man. Why do you live together for 2 years? He should have some idea about his reasons.
He might be not ready now but he may never be ready. Do you want to spend your precious life waiting for his decision if you are good enough or maybe there is someone better out there?

He's using his humour to avoid the discussion. I wouldn't see how easy it was to reassure you and if he just keeps deflecting the discussion then you know the answer.

I didn't even consider the idea of marriage until I was well into my 30s. Honestly if someone had asked me I'd have run a mile
Had you met the love of your life though? Because generally people only think of marriage when they are in love and want to spend the rest of their life with someone, the age is irrelevant really. I guess millions of people just live with someone because its convenient/sex on tap/nice having someone around/don't like being on their own etc etc but would put off questions of marriage because they are still holding out for 'the one'. Hence all of the examples we all know of people saying they will never get married then splitting with their partner and getting married quickly to someone else. I can't imagine being with someone for years and living together and having no idea if I wanted to be married or not. That's inconceivable really. Fine if he doesn't but he should let OP know.

Honestly, I was upfront really early on with DH that I wanted marriage: and that i wasn’t about to be doing the pick me dance about it. So... if after a few years we weren’t married I’d probably end itS

DH wasn’t massively fussed about getting married but he knew I was. And he knew he wanted to spend his life with me. So we got married

i completely get where you’re coming from

I met my partner at 30, he was about to turn 26. He didn’t want marriage then, neither did I. I was probably more into marriage a few years later, he wasn’t bothered. We bought a house a few years later, then got married when we were 37/32. Now have a baby and we both love our lives and love being married. I don’t think it’s a deal breaker at your age, our friends all did pretty much the same too.

I don't think his response tells you anything. Your issue is he is younger than you. I can well believe he has not really seriously thought about marriage yet. I'm 30 years your senior - at 27 I wasn't worried I hadn't met the "right" man yet, although I had a vague sense of my biological clock ticking. I was still in the dating phase.

As it happened I did meet my DH at 28 but we didn't decide to marry till we were 32 - reading threads like this make me think I was naive. Well, I guess I was, because by the time I realised conceiving wasn't going to be easy (around 34), my fertility was declining, and to cut a long story short, we never did have a child of our own (though plenty of friends of a similar age did).

He may well not be ready and that may mean you end up waiting too long. He isn't too young per se, but everyone is different and men don't have the same biological issues we women do.

If I were you, knowing what I know, I'd probably push him on this. You can't just keep waiting. If he isn't ready to consider marriage and kids, you do need to know pretty much in the next year or so, and its unlikely he'll change much in that time frame. Just be blunt and get a proper response. Life is a gamble but you need to take as much control as you can.

27 isn't a baby by any means.🙄
If you were to get engaged now, get married in a year, and then have a child a year later, he'd be 29 when he becomes a father. That is not even that young.

Maybe ask him again and get a clear answer, but also be aware that he can promise and then change his mind.

This is so tough because neither of you are being unreasonable. The problem is your ages. He thinks like most other men, not planning on marriage or children until late 30s +. This is why me and all my friends ended up with older men. If you want a family it's the only realistic choice.

When I was 30 I had dated a man the same age, for 5 years. He "really wanted" marriage and children but he "wasn't ready". We split. We are now late 30s. I just heard from him recently. He said proudly that he is "nearly ready" to think about moving in with a woman. Nearly ready.... to cohabitate...at age 38! Meanwhile I'm married with 2 dcs.

Of course that's just one example but it's so typical of the men I know. My DH did the same thing. He wasted a woman's time, saying he "wasn't ready", then later ditched her and got together with a younger woman (me) so he could have kids.

Hi OP the main issue would be if you want children as fertility wanes quickly after 35. So if u are not sure when u want kids and u wait for a couple of years and he is still not ready ,it will be difficult. I think u need to have clear answer now and not waste your time.

I agree. What a ridiculous comment. Hard to argue that a 27 year old isn't an adult.

Sorry OP but if he isn't mad about you and keen to commit, I don't really see the point.

This is a tricky one…which is why you’ve had some mixed answers.

ive seen friends in this position with reluctant boyfriends who’ve eventually come round to the idea of marriage ( and lived happily since)

but also seen relationships where it’s clear the guy just isn’t that into them. Or marriage.

you just have to ask him how he feels about you- not marriage- you

I agree that 2 years is enough time for him to know whether he sees marriage in the cards. He may not be ready at 27 but if the alternative is to lose you, then I am afraid he will have to make himself ready because your clock is ticking.

At this age, you have to be ruthless. Even if you break up, he can still come back once he realises what he has lost. In the meantime, you should date others so he knows what he is missing.

That is the fastest way to force his hand and to cut your losses.

I was 33 when my boyfriend 28 whom I knew for one year and had been living with for 6 months made a joke about marriage being a piece of paper. I got really upset (ok, not cool girl) and basically said I would move out if marriage was not on the cards. We got engaged and married in a year and baby the following. He was 29 when he was a father. I really would have left him.

Some people are fucking mental on here 🤣 27 is not still practically in nappies or too young to settle down. Some of you are actually not living in the real world.

Do you own a house together?

He's 27 so probably not on his radar and after 2 years so still in honeymoon phase.

The future comes around too quickly. Enjoy the time you have together before marriage, babies and Sundays spent in B & Q.

It's been 7 years for us and I still don't have a ring. We bought house 3 years ago and renovating it. We are 37.

My DP is also sooooooooooo laid back like majorly. Found this hard at first for several years I was like you but now I wish I could go back before bills and cleaning up after his scruffy mess.

Time isn't a schedule. Don't ruin relationship for sake of a gold band.

I was in the same boat. My DP is 8 years younger than me, both in our 40s, both have kids from previous relationships. I told him marriage was important to me and he just kept saying never say never. A few months back we were chatting and marriage was mentioned and he said he probably wouldn't marry again. I said that I wanted to be married again so we should both think about where we were going. He asked what sort of wedding I would want and I said the smallest one possible cos I hated the stress and drama of it all. Said it was marriage that was important, not the wedding day. We booked our ceremony 3 weeks later and get married next month....

Maybe have another chat and drill down into what his thoughts are. Say you feel he is being a bit vague. You are not in a rush but if you want kids you need to set your stall out and see where it goes.

Have you talked about whether you both want children? Does he know marriage is important to you? I think I wouldn't give him another year. If you want to get married and have children and he doesn't then you need to decide which you want most and go for that.

This. Several friends married in their early 20s,celebrating ruby weddings.

I mean, Id expect after 2 years for my partner to know that he wants to marry me for definite and have kids and i would expect him to express that to me in a way that says yes i want to spend the rest of my life with you as i love you! sure the relationship can still fizzle out but surely you know whether you want a future with someone at that particular time!

also im 29 and my husband is 30, married for 4 years and together for 6 years with 2 toddlers so no its not too early to be thinking about it

I lived with a previous BF. We had arranged to go out for a meal (nothing flashy, just a Beefeater) and his colleagues were apparently teasing him that day, joking that the meal was because he was going to propose.

When BF recanted the story to be later on, he said “I told them, as I told you, (he hadn’t) that I’d wait to see how we got on living together for about 6 months before we think about getting engaged.”

I wasted another 11 years on him before I moved out.

The key thing is how old YOU are and whether you want a child. At 31 you can afford to wait a couple of years before starting to try, but what if he decides in 2 years he doesn't want to get married? Then you're 33 and trying to meet someone else with the clock ticking.

Doesn't matter how old he is, as you're going to have to work to the timescale of YOUR biological clock.

I think at your age 2 years is long enough to know if it's a permanent relationship.

I think you need to have a serious chat with him about the future, no jokes. If he's not ready to commit then I think you should cut your losses, and not let him string you along.

If you want biological children, have you ever actually spelled out the timeline issues, eg: count back from maybe 35 with up to a year to TTC (this assumes you only want one..), 18 months to plan and hold a wedding, however many months of living together/specific milestone holidays etc you have talked about having before settling down, and see what point in your life you'd need to be starting this to fit it all in.

Leave that with him for a week or two to sink in (but don't leave it for a year or two!).

It doesn’t matter what other people do, Caribou. It’s what you and he want that matters.

At your age I was in a very happy long-term relationship with a younger man. But we eventually broke up, very sadly, because our hopes for the future were too dufferent, and especially he didn’t want children.By that time I was late 30s and finding another soulmate was much harder.

I hope you do whatever is best for you. It’s easier for men to change their minds later.

I do think the financial maturity is a significant part of it - these days people generally think the order of buy house, get married, start family. Look how many people put off having kids because they don't feel financially well off enough.

But it takes longer to get on the housing ladder. And then many people aspire to the big wedding, which I think costs a lot more than they used to?

But also factor in that many more people are going to university than used to. At 21/22/23 they're at the stage in life that a lot of 18 year olds traditionally were. Sure, the graduates might then enter the workplace on a higher wage, but they've got the millstone of student debt eating away at their finances which partially compensates. But they're often also then behind in the serious relationship stakes, as most people don't get serious at uni. So higher education can effectively add another 3 or 4 years delay into the timeline.