Asked my partner If he'd considered marriage in our future, not sure about the response

[Caribou1]

He's 27 and I'm 31. Been together a little over 2 years and marriage is important to me. I don't think I could be with someone who didn't want to marry me. (They usually end up married to another woman within a year)

Anyway I decided tonight that it's a good time to talk about it. I know he's slightly younger than me, and he's not intending to get engaged right now, which is fine. However I'd like to know if he envisages it within the next couple of years.

I asked him and he said, "Aww, you're so sweet." He said 'yeah?' tentatively, but it wasn't a definite 'Yes, 100%'.
He then joked, 'yes as long as you're ok with all my other wives' (it's his sort of humour).

I don't know, I felt embarrassed after, maybe I'm reading into it too much? He didn't really say, "Yes I'd love to one day,". Or "yes I've been thinking about it too." Etc.

I know I put him on the spot a little but it's important to know where you stand. I'm worried he just said it to be polite.
He said he did want to have children, when in a good financial position. He does work, but looking for a higher paid role.

You know whether you want to marry someone after two years, and he's 27, not a teenager.

@MontanaMountains I agree. When I read comments like that, I always think of my mother and her saying to me around the same age "When I was 27 I had 3 children and had been married to your father for 4 years!" And my father was 5 years her junior...

Anyway. It sounds like after 2 years your guy hasn't even thought about it. Not a good sign. I'd bring it up again, tell him to knock it off with the jokes and be honest with you about how he really feels about it.

He's a grown man and it's an established relationship. Perhaps age has something but I had discussions with DH who I met at 21 around all sorts of difficult subjects like future goals, kids, birth control, accidental pregnancy and indeed whether he saw himself getting married pretty early on. It might be that we're really odd, but we did manage to have these chats without getting pregnant or proposing marriage and somehow making it clear we were talking about life goals, not fishing.

Have you discussed what would happen if you were to accidentally get pregnant? What did you talk about before you moved in together? I would see moving in together as a step towards marriage, but I'm twenty years older than you and I think things have changed.

Whatever you do, don't just let things drift and find yourself single again at 35. I split up with my boyfriend at 29 and didn't meet my DH until I was nearly 37!

Sorry to be blunt but you need to be firm with him. At the moment he has all the benefits of a marriage without the commitment. Don’t hang about hoping for him to make a decision. Take back some power and give him an ultimatum

Similar age gap between DH and he was 28 when we started dating. We were married 18 months later. You have asked, wait a month and see if he has even bothered to think about it.

Hmm, he didn’t exactly respond with enthusiasm. It was a declaration of love and commitment to him and personally I’d expect more back, not to be told that it was sweet.

Perhaps he was just taken by surprise, but still, if he doesn’t mention it again or do something soon to show his love and commitment to you (even if he doesn’t want to get married), you have your answer. Sorry.

He then joked, 'yes as long as you're ok with all my other wives' (it's his sort of humour).

Humour or not, it's his way of telling you he is not ready to commit to you/marriage/one woman/whatever. Or could be the type to have affairs.

Rembember the MN wisdom - when a man tells you how he is, believe him.

I'm sorry if it's not what you want to hear OP.

As for fertility, it's a strange thing. In my case anyway. I had endometriosis for quite a few years yet got pregnant within 3 months of deciding I wanted a child at the age of 36.

I think another conversation is needed. Tell him you don’t want to find yourself partnered to someone at the age of 33 who doesn’t want marriage and kids with you. See how he responds. If he’s not clear with you then you have your answer.

I don’t understand moving in with someone you don’t think is the one for you.

Either be blunt and honest, i.e. "I definitely want to get married by the time I'm X age" or "I want to be married before I have children, and I want to start doing that within the next X years". Or propose to him and see what he says. It can take a couple of years to actually get married and you have no idea how long it could take to start a family - a friend was trying for 15 years.

Asking it as a hypothetical "would you ever?" marriage question when the other person isn't ready, will always get you the answer of how they feel now, not the future. They can't see beyond how they feel now, that's their reality.

Some people understandably don't want to be tied to their response when they aren't feeling it at that moment.

So it's best to take it as a true sign they can't answer the question with the response you're looking for and you'll have to keep waiting and hoping which is always the risk, if you're keen and they're not.

of course the other type of response could be "I really want us to get married in about 2 years, so let's start planning now because it will take us that long to save up" in which case it's called an engagement!

This.

Dh and I were married after 2 years in early twenties. If it’s right there is no hesitation. He may not be ready but you are so it’s not right and you don’t have the time to wait around.

I think you need to push him for a proper answer. You’ve let him fob you off - have you decided to allow him more time because you don’t want to hear the answer?

I agree with this. Don't be like the many women in threads on mn who wait around in hope only to be disappointed.

My son is 28 and I think he seems so young still for marriage. So yes agree he’s not ready now, but doesn’t sound like he’s opposed to marriage. Maybe raise it again in a few days. Say something like I’m sorry if that conversation the other day was uncomfortable, I just wanted to make it clear that marriage is important to me and I know you’re not ready for that yet, but I just wanted to know that marriage is important to you too, in the future

I agree that after two years at that age, both of you would know about it if this was a 'til death us do part' relationship.

The fact that you don't know something so fundamental about him, and don't feel comfortable having deep and meaningful conversations suggests that you're not at that level. It sounds a bit like you're settling.

I agree with others that at the age of 27 he should know where the relationship is head.

I met my DH when he was 27 (as was I) and we just knew we were meant to be. I moved in with him after 5 months and we were married just before he was 29.

Knowing how you feel about someone and making an internal decision about whether you want a future with them isn’t age dependent.

Mind you, a good friend of mine was with his girlfriend for 7 years before they took the next step of moving in together and they’d been dating since they were 25. They then went on to get married and now have two children together.

Relationships are different for everyone.

I would speak to him again about it but make it clear that because of the age you are at its a conversation that can’t be avoided and you need to seriously know what he sees in the future for you both.

Met my DH when I was 27 and he was 25. I was very clear I didn't want to risk putting off trying for kids and wanted to get married. Luckily he really wanted that too. We were married and had 1 DC within 2 years (I was 29 he was 27). You need to be assertive about what you want and if he's not on the same page then why wait around and risk your fertility. Find someone who is ready

You have a similar age gap here to me and my husband (he is 30, I am 34). I was very conscious when we got together that the gap we had was such that, working on his own timetable, he might not be interested in reaching the milestones that mattered to me at a pace that would be acceptable to me - there's nothing wrong with not wanting to get married until you're in your early 30s and waiting to have kids till you're 35 or so, but if that was what he wanted I would personally have been older than I was happy with when he hit those ages and I wasn't prepared to take that risk.

We had a very open and honest conversation about 2 years into our relationship when I was 28 about the above and I basically said that, whilst I didn't need these things immediately, I would likely need things to move faster than might naturally have come to him and if he wasn't comfortable working to a timetable of marriage by the time I was in my early 30s and first child by the time that I was 35 then there probably wasn't a future for us. He agreed that, if left to his own devices he'd have probably waited a little longer but he understood why that wouldn't work for me. We got engaged 3 months before my 30th birthday (he was 26), married when I was 31 and he was 28, and we had our first child just after he turned 30.

If these things are important to you, I think you need to be upfront about a timetable that works for you (particularly for kids) - you will be the one the clock runs out for if he isn't ready, and it's better to know that now.

It depends how much you want children, rather than how much you want to marry. I was with DH from age 26, but we didn’t get married until I was 34 (engaged 18 months before that).

That’s quite a long time to not commit to marriage, but I wasn’t sure I wanted children back then so didn’t feel the need to push.

Now I am pregnant with my first aged 40. I appreciate that’s not something I can take for granted or would be possible for everyone. I know others who have struggled with fertility at my age.

If I had known I wanted children back then, I would have had a serious discussion but we’re all different. You have to do what feels right for you.

How is your relationship?

If everything is great I would sit it out.

If you have doubts (and if your wondering where things are going you quite possibly do) then maybe it's time to move on.

Are you the higher earner? If so avoid marriage

Yeah I don’t really believe in “love of your life” or “the one” tbh.

I do think “knowing” you want to get married when you are in your 20s often is more about women feeling they need to crack on before they miss the fertility and convincing themselves they have “the one”.

Its totally understandable that people feel like this and yes it’s probably right to push for clarity if having children is your primary goal.

Bur, let’s be honest, most men just don’t feel this. Some are “ready” in the sense that they are tired of dating etc. But very few men naturally have a burning urge to marry someone and stay with them for the next 60 years when they are in their 20s. Men don’t naturally care about this. We push and nag them into it and then seem surprised when, 10 years on, they feel resentful and bullied and want out.

I honestly wish more of us could and would go it alone. So much healthier than this awful dynamic of women trying to push men into something they don’t want.

Dh and I were married at 26 and by 30 had completed our family. We are a decade on from that now and still very content.

I think you wanted to know and he told you so you need to listen. He is very young at 27 - if you at 31 want kids than realistically how long are you going to wait? Sorry but you need to leave him so you are free to meet someone else - if he does really want to spend his life with you then he will pursue you again - if he doesn't you definately have your answer.

he didnt give a totally negative answer op, at least.
he didnt say no,
so raise it again - if he is definately negative, then move on