Asked my partner If he'd considered marriage in our future, not sure about the response

[Caribou1]

He's 27 and I'm 31. Been together a little over 2 years and marriage is important to me. I don't think I could be with someone who didn't want to marry me. (They usually end up married to another woman within a year)

Anyway I decided tonight that it's a good time to talk about it. I know he's slightly younger than me, and he's not intending to get engaged right now, which is fine. However I'd like to know if he envisages it within the next couple of years.

I asked him and he said, "Aww, you're so sweet." He said 'yeah?' tentatively, but it wasn't a definite 'Yes, 100%'.
He then joked, 'yes as long as you're ok with all my other wives' (it's his sort of humour).

I don't know, I felt embarrassed after, maybe I'm reading into it too much? He didn't really say, "Yes I'd love to one day,". Or "yes I've been thinking about it too." Etc.

I know I put him on the spot a little but it's important to know where you stand. I'm worried he just said it to be polite.
He said he did want to have children, when in a good financial position. He does work, but looking for a higher paid role.

OP, be a bit more selfish. You want to get married - when? You want to have a child or possibly more than one - when? Make sure you have these deadlines in your head. Of course, they might not be hard deadlines, but you should have a good idea of the timeline. Once you know what you want, just clearly communicate it with your partner. When I was with mine for about a year, I shared I'd like to have children in the next 2 years. If he'd said he's not sure etc, I'd have dumped him as I spent the previous 3 years of my life with a man who wasn't sure about this and that and turned out to be a huge heartbreak.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be married, and it's absolutely necessary to know whether the man you're living with is on the same page. It is your one precious life. Do not be preoccupied with his age etc. If he loves you and wants to be with you, becoming a parent around 30 isn't too early, and it isn't rushed.

When you meet the one you know
he isn’t the one

This. It was a non conversation.

It’s not rushing to have an idea of whether you see marriage in the future, and specifically with the person you’re currently with.

I don’t personally know anyone engaged at 27 (very few engaged at 31 tbh), but I did medicine and so did most of my friends. If you didn’t go to uni, or did a short three year degree and went into a profession that didn’t require as much training, then I’d expect to see people getting engaged much earlier than any of us did. It’s not about the age so much as the stage of life.

How can you possibly be ‘rushing’ anything when you’ve been together for two years?!

He brushed you off. Sorry OP, you need to be straight with him about exactly what you want. Don’t jellify and try to be ‘cool’ and vague when actually you want to be married, you want a man who adores you and wants to marry you. And don’t waste any more time on him if he is this ambivalent about you.

Perhaps in the last 5 months things will have moved along a bit

Do people ever stop to look at the date of a thread before they jump in?

Clearly not

I’ve got to admit that it nearly caught me out.

Amen

My husband was 27 and I was 23 in 2017 getting married. Very dependable and wonderful man and continues to flourish, as do I. Madness to think some people would assume he couldn't even hold in a shit yet.

I wouldn’t read too much into it OP, most men respond that way to that question. DH certainly did, total rabbit in headlights ‘what, marriage, aren’t we way too young I’m only 33’ 🙄 we’d been together for years.

Frankly you have to tell them “look I’m not saying let’s get married right this second, but if you never want marriage and children, or not for a long time, then you need to tell me now because it wouldn’t be fair of us to waste each other’s time if we want different things. I think you’re great and that we’re wonderful together but if you aren’t on the same page as me then I need to know that.”

Ideally this is a conversation to have before you move in together.

And by the way I was fertile at 33 and infertile by 35. Some women can have babies in their mid to late thirties but many of us can’t, and by forty, most women can’t conceive naturally. I wish they taught that at school instead of just telling us not to get pregnant.

I wonder if she is still with him. Yes I know it's an old thread fuck off trouts

I have been happily married for almost 25 years (next August). We were 18 when we started our relationship, engaged when we were 19, married 3 years after that because I was at uni. The wedding was 2 weeks after my graduation because he was in the military and back then you had to be actually married to have an MOD house. I am now 47 and he will be in January.

To say that a man is too young at 27 to be married is utterly ridiculous. My MIL (who is delightful) tried to caution my husband about marrying too young. He pointed out that we’d be a year older than they had been at the time of our wedding. She never said a word after that.

A number of people tried to suggest that we only marrying to be eligible for somewhere cheap to live, as we had openly stated that we had no plans for children. Well, we lived in married quarters for about 2 years and a month after our 2nd anniversary, we bought the house we still live in now. And there are still no children. But that is our JOINT decision.

I think that if the OP’s partner cannot have a serious conversation about marriage, then this is a problem. If he couldn’t even say “Well, I haven’t thought about it but if you would like me to, let’s talk again in two weeks” then it is absolutely a problem.

I think there are lots of men his age who would give stronger signals about commitment after two years. In my experience, if you are really into someone, you genuinely don’t want them to find anyone else that is marriage material so you are thinking ahead and happy to say that you want to commit long-term even if you aren’t quite ready to actually do it yet.

A long time ago I had relationship with one guy, for 4 years tried to discuss the future, at that point I saw him for the twat he was. I ditched him, met a guy at work (I was 21) engaged within 2 weeks and married a year later. We will soon be celebrating our 43rd wedding anniversary. He is my soulmate. Don’t waste you life on this idiot!

Sorry the relationship was 4 years not the discussion 🤣🤣🤣

Apart from the very beginning, has he ever mentioned you marrying?

Exactly. If someone had asked me at 27 what I thought I would feel about something aged 29, I’d have wondered what they were smoking.

You’re asking for some crystal ball future mind exercise.

OP my advice would be it sounds like he brushed you off because he didn't know how to respond. I wouldn't just wait a year and hope he makes a decision. I'd raise it with him again and just say something along the lines of - 'when we spoke about this the other day it felt a bit awkward, like you were brushing me off. It's ok not to know right now how you feel about this topic but I'd like you to have a think about it as it's important to me, and I'd like to discuss it again in a few weeks to see what you're thinking. It's ok not to be ready for marriage now but it's important to me to know that you see that as the direction of travel for our relationship. Let's speak again soon.' Then give him some time to reflect and come back to it. I personally think 27 is young and many men of that age aren't thinking about marriage at all yet.

Really?! At 27! None of my now happily married friends nor myself were even talking or thinking about marriage at that age. 27 is young & it’s entirely reasonable to not know at 27.