Asked my partner If he'd considered marriage in our future, not sure about the response

[Caribou1]

He's 27 and I'm 31. Been together a little over 2 years and marriage is important to me. I don't think I could be with someone who didn't want to marry me. (They usually end up married to another woman within a year)

Anyway I decided tonight that it's a good time to talk about it. I know he's slightly younger than me, and he's not intending to get engaged right now, which is fine. However I'd like to know if he envisages it within the next couple of years.

I asked him and he said, "Aww, you're so sweet." He said 'yeah?' tentatively, but it wasn't a definite 'Yes, 100%'.
He then joked, 'yes as long as you're ok with all my other wives' (it's his sort of humour).

I don't know, I felt embarrassed after, maybe I'm reading into it too much? He didn't really say, "Yes I'd love to one day,". Or "yes I've been thinking about it too." Etc.

I know I put him on the spot a little but it's important to know where you stand. I'm worried he just said it to be polite.
He said he did want to have children, when in a good financial position. He does work, but looking for a higher paid role.

Is 29 young for a man to have kids?
I honestly have no idea what's the norm these days

My Mum had me at 23 and Dad 27, so I suppose that's considered very young by today's standards

This man is with a woman 4 years older than him. He needs to accept the family will have to start early in his 30s at the latest.

What happens if you wait a couple of years and he's still not ready OP?

You're right it's not rare at all. What makes you think that 2 years might change his mind? How will 2 years change the way he feels about you?

Just because he’s 27 doesn’t make him too young to know if, after 2 years of dating someone and living with them for a year, he wants to marry them and can see a life and children with them. He should be perfectly capable of at least saying “yes I’m not ready just yet but I can see us settling down in a few years” or “no, I can’t imagine a forever future with you”. If he doesn’t know after 2 years then I’m not sure that it’s the right relationship.

I don't know..he might see himself as more 'ready' for marriage in a couple of years, hopefully.

Honestly if I was you at your age with the age difference I'd be worried. It's normal for him to not feel ready at 27 but If he takes a few years to get ready, then a year or two to marry, you could be 36ish before you marry. If you want children it's just reducing time.

I got married at 26 and started trying for dc straight away. Turns out I had a significant fertility issue and had ivf at 27. If I'd have waited until over 30 I wouldn't have been able to conceive (with ivf or otherwise). Had dc at 28. 40 now and never been pregnant since.
So basically decide what your priorities are and go from there.

If marriage is important to you and you want to be married before children all you can do is make it clear.

Maybe I need to ask him again for a proper answer.

Agree

Biology is so unfair. He’s got many years to decide if he wants kids, you don’t. Honestly if it’s important to you I’d be really frank and lay out your expectations. Currently you’re at his whim, he might be ready in a couple of years, he might not be. If he’s not then you’re 33 without a whole lot of time to find someone who is up for it. I would think about what you really want and prioritise it.

2 years is a long time and he’s not that young. You could wait forever for the perfect time for marriage and kids, only to find you’re too late.

Yanbu but it isn't on his agenda yet.Not even on radar. I hope you aren't in a hurry.

Answers are so varied that I just don't know what to think, some people are calling 27 practically a baby, others saying not that young.

My DH and I got together when I was 21 and he was 18. He didn't want to get married for years but used to say he would propose if I stopped 'going on about it' . I.e in his own time. He proposed when I was almost 30 and he was almost 27. We had a baby a couple of years later and moved about a bit and didn't end up getting married until last year and that was 10 years after our engagement. That was both of us though not down to him. I'm saying that you know what if he is the one but it doesn't always have to be a rush.

Well, now that you've opened the conversation you can revisit it easily. "I know you might have been a bit surprised by my mentioning marriage the other day, now you've had a bit of time to think about it what are your thoughts?" type thing.

You've been together for two YEARS. Surely he knows by now whether he wants to marry you!? If you want children (especially more than one) then you've not got unlimited time for him to obfuscate. Even if you got engaged tomorrow, say a year's engagement and a year after marriage to start trying for a baby, even if you get pregnant quickly you'd still be 34 by the time the baby arrived. He must be aware of this, it's basic maths. At 27 my husband had been married for a few years and had a child (we have a similar age gap, I'm the older one, we'd finished having babies before I turned 35). It's old enough to at least know if you want those things - and to be clear about it with your partner.

I think you need to ask the question if he wants marriage at all. Not just say to you but in general is marriage in his life. If you want it you need to establish if he does to.

I’ve been with my partner for 8 years and I know that for him marriage isnt something he’s keen on. That’s fine I knew that from early on and expectations were managed. Just because he doesn’t want to get married it’s not a sign for me to run, I know it’s something he doesn’t really want for his own reasons.

In a year's time I'd say that you've been together 3 years and he's in his late 20s and if he doesn't know if he sees marriage and kids on the horizon then you probably aren't right for each other. If he agrees you have your answer. If he fights for you then great.

At 27 marriage and kids was the last thing on my agenda, although everyone is different.

I don’t think he’s ready yet.

But you're living together though. So it's not like he's off clubbing every night enjoying his youth. You've been together 2 years. Surely after a 2 year commitment and living together you'd know whether you wanted to marry?

I think you need to push him for a proper answer. You’ve let him fob you off - have you decided to allow him more time because you don’t want to hear the answer?

When we first got together he said he wanted to be married in general.
You're right, I think 3 years is a perfectly reasonable time.
But then I see his sister who's 30, been with her same age partner for 5 years and they're not engaged, so maybe I am rushing somewhat.

Good post

Honestly I would just be blunt with him. Tell him marriage is important to you and you want to know if he honestly sees that in his future. Don't put him on the spot tell him he can have some time to think about it but ultimately you need an answer.

I was 23 when I started dating my DH, he was 26, we were engaged within a year (we had been best friends for 3 years by this point so knew each other well) and married within 18 months. What helped was being totally upfront about what we wanted from the relationship, so once we knew it was serious we also discussed whether marriage was important, whether kids were important (turned out to be a pointless conversation because I am barren but there you go), what we wanted to do with our lives (settle down quickly vs travel or long engagement etc).

He's not a child, he's 27, he should have a rough idea by this point whether marriage as a concept is something he is even interested in, which is a starting point.

If you want kids move on or you'll find yourself 35, with the best years of your fertility behind you and he'll still be stringing you along