to exclude one girl?

[ExplodingCarrots]

It’s a party one.

DD party coming up. Having a party in the house so can’t invite whole class. We’ve never done whole class parties , only a couple of friends so never excluding a small number.

We had an issue the last time we had a party at the house where the boys who were invited were badly behaved so DD has said she wants to invite girls only.

The issue we have is that there is one girl in the class who is very mean to other kids and disruptive. She joined the school a year and a half ago and I know numerous parents have been in to school to complain because their child has been bullied , hit and called names. My DD started playing with the girl but it ended up in numerous dramas and my DD ending up being upset so she’s been told by the teacher and myself to stay away from each other. The other day my DD and her best friend were sat in the playground and the girl approached them and called them fat and told them to kill themselves. Obviously this upset them.

Because of this , DD doesn’t want to invite this girl. I completely agree as to why she don’t want her there BUT there’s this moral dilemma of obviously excluding 1 girl. DH is of the stance of this girl is not setting foot in the house and that’s that after she has said these things. But I’ve read on here so many posts saying you can’t exclude one child. I feel guilty but want to protect my DD too.

This girl tends to play with other boys and girls in other year group class so not a case of her not having friends. I obviously feel for her because she’s 8 and sounds very unhappy.

In these circumstances would it be ok not to invite? Other girls in the class who have been friends with DD since age 4 are terrified of this girl too. Invitations would be directly given to parents and not handed out in school to avoid other kids noticing .

Kids are 8 , DD will be turning 9.

YANBU - don’t invite
YABU - can’t exclude

I wouldn't give a flying shit about it, I'm with your dh, she wouldn't step foot in my house.

Your DD’s feelings are way more important. She’ll remember you inviting her against her wishes and potentially ruining her party.

She's awful. Obviouslyvtheres a reason for being that bad. But it's not your problem WHY. But her behaviour WILL escalate because at least half of the girls invited will rub it in at that age.

Just to add ..there's no way I'd be inviting her against my DDs wishes . I don't want her here too after what happened . I would have said only invite some girls , not all , so as it's not only 1 girl excluded .

I wouldn’t invite her, we didn’t invite 2/15 and don’t feel bad about. Hit my child or tell her you aren’t her friend, then you aren’t getting an invitation.

She is actively aggressive and abusive towards your girl so YANBU to not invite the child.

Probably give the teacher the heads up too, so she is aware that the other parents may complain.

I think this is hard - imagine what abuse they poor girl is likely to be subject to to sct
like
that.

csn you talk to the teacher and maybe get more understanding of the situation?

I wouldn't invite her either OP and I wouldn't feel sorry for not doing so. She sounds awful.

Her mother needs to deal with the repercussions if such behaviour, no matter what the root cause. That is her job every time her DD is excluded or challenged for her behaviour

You don't have to be kind at your DDs expense.

yanbu.

I think the advice to not exclude is fair and sensible if the child is generally naughty but doesn’t target your child, has special needs and doesn’t target your child or is quiet/doesn’t speak much to your child.

can you talk to the teacher and maybe get more understanding of the situation?

The teacher shouldn’t be discussing details
about a child to another parent. Other than knowing they are dealing with the situation and have put things in place.

You want school to disclose personal family details to any random parent who wants to arrange a party?? Just wanted to check if Britney is being abused in the home before I decide whether to invite her or not. Oh yeah sure random Mom, no problem!!

You can't ask the teacher. They won't say anything.

And your seeming solution just means that nobody does anything and more children, girls, get taught to 'be nice'

Exclude her and tell school why.

If there is anything to know safeguarding will sort it out.

It’s a tough one but I think you need to listen to your dd

Yanbu to exclude her. And I say this as the parent of a child with additional needs who often gets left out.

I think excluding one 8 year old girl is pretty awful.

She's obviously got some problems but they are unlikely to improve by being singled out for exclusion from the parties.

You could ask the parent to stay to help supervise - after all she is only 8 years old.

You're not being unreasonable to exclude her, I'd do the same. Like hell would i let a bully into my home or daughters party. And if she goes crying to her parents about how she's not invited I'd be happy to have a word with them too about how nasty their child is. It might be the lesson she needs to learn to stop being so nasty to everyone.

after all she is only 8 years old.

Yes she's plenty old enough to understand you don't tell people to kill themselves

Thank you . I do feel a bit better about it now . DD always comes first. I do feel for the girl. I don't know if there's SEN and I have no idea what her home life is like and it's not my business. Mum seems to be called in a lot. The girls older sibling is worse and has been violent to the younger children .

To the poster above that said to invite the mum along . I don't know if I'd feel comfortable with that . And yes ..there's the catch 22 of bullying , not being invited to things and then the behaviour escalating more. But I don't want to risk DD and the other girls being subjected to abuse at the party .

I think your voting options are not really want you mean as you have already decided that she is not coming. So is it really a case of working out whether you exclude only this girl or exclude her and a few others so it isn’t so obvious.

YANBU
Expect the girl to find out and either harass your dd(before and definitely after) or try very hard to get an invite. The girl would probably ruin the party in one way or another. Its not worth spoiling it for your dd and her actual friends.

This. Anything other than this and I would question your parenting. Would you seriously care more about someone who told your child to kill themselves??

You haven't said how many girls there are in the class but there's no reason you have to invite them all except one. You could have a smaller party. But you've justified it to yourself I see so not sure why you're asking.

I'm not sure what you expect the long term outcome of this to be but I'd expect this girl to up her harassment of your DD. If that feels like the right price to pay, then go ahead.

More awful than telling another child to kill themselves? Give over.

So the dd should plan her party around not wanting to upset the bully, and accept that the bully is going to make her life worse if she doesn't get invited?