to exclude one girl?

[ExplodingCarrots]

It’s a party one.

DD party coming up. Having a party in the house so can’t invite whole class. We’ve never done whole class parties , only a couple of friends so never excluding a small number.

We had an issue the last time we had a party at the house where the boys who were invited were badly behaved so DD has said she wants to invite girls only.

The issue we have is that there is one girl in the class who is very mean to other kids and disruptive. She joined the school a year and a half ago and I know numerous parents have been in to school to complain because their child has been bullied , hit and called names. My DD started playing with the girl but it ended up in numerous dramas and my DD ending up being upset so she’s been told by the teacher and myself to stay away from each other. The other day my DD and her best friend were sat in the playground and the girl approached them and called them fat and told them to kill themselves. Obviously this upset them.

Because of this , DD doesn’t want to invite this girl. I completely agree as to why she don’t want her there BUT there’s this moral dilemma of obviously excluding 1 girl. DH is of the stance of this girl is not setting foot in the house and that’s that after she has said these things. But I’ve read on here so many posts saying you can’t exclude one child. I feel guilty but want to protect my DD too.

This girl tends to play with other boys and girls in other year group class so not a case of her not having friends. I obviously feel for her because she’s 8 and sounds very unhappy.

In these circumstances would it be ok not to invite? Other girls in the class who have been friends with DD since age 4 are terrified of this girl too. Invitations would be directly given to parents and not handed out in school to avoid other kids noticing .

Kids are 8 , DD will be turning 9.

YANBU - don’t invite
YABU - can’t exclude

She's 8. And as adults we have the responsibility of raising the next generation. Excluding the girl is not the issue. Excluding 1 girl is.

It's not normal for an 8 year old to shout death threats either

OP isn't raising this girl and I would rather raise girls who hold their boundaries against abusers

Totally agree. So I would say "DD you can invite 8 girls to your party. Who do you want to invite? You shouldn't invite anyone who upsets you."

I think this solves this issue with minimum upset to all kids.

Absolutely @Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim I want my child to know when they are feeling unhappy and under threat, I bloody stood up for them and didn't acquiesce to the usual 'oh be kind and don't think about yourself'.

100% agree.

I think I found a good solution! Invite some of the boys (only the well behaved ones obviously) then it’s less obvious when you don’t invite this one girl. Then you’ve invited some of the class instead of all the girls minus one.. I think that sounds better and I would personally feel less guilty doing it that way.

No it really wouldn’t be.

You are definitely NBU.
I say that as a mother and a teacher.
I also tell my children often that kindness is the most important thing and that if you are unkind people will not want to spend their time with you. This child needs to see that to learn that.

No it's not right to exclude one girl. And it is setting a poor example imho. BUT I would pay a teenager to monitor her individually throughout the entire party so she didn't t get a chance to misbehave or upset your DD or any other guest. That way, she learns how to behave for next time. Excluding does nothing except make the person feel more angry and alone and therefore more likely to misbehave.

This - as a mum of boys (and a girl)

Sounds like she might bully DD more if she's the only one excluded. That's quite hurtful for anyone tbh

Do you have to ask every single other girl? Can't you not ask a few more, so you've got say 10 girls from a class with 15?

I certainly don’t think OP’s daughter should invite this girl to her party. But what kind of adult would find it ‘satisfying’ to go out of their way to cause maximum hurt to an 8 year old girl?!

Thankfully not OP, but still.

I'm a big believer in just desserts and karma.

This girls behaviours towards your DD are shocking, especially at 8 years old, but she is still a little girl who probably craves care and acceptance.I certainly don't agree with 'forcing' children to have others they don't want at their party as a 'tick box' or 'keeping up appearances' exercise, but I do think YABU to invite ALL the girls in DDs class and leave this one out.Even if you hand invites out away from school the girls are likely to all go in and talk about the party, especially at that age.Can you not just invite her few closest friends instead?

Sorry but I don’t understand why you asked the question, the school has told her to stay away from the other girl so what good would come from inviting her to your house? Like you really have no choice here.

if you stop dividing the class by gender, this stops being a “moral dilemma”. It’s just half the class invited.

or, you can invite a few “well behaved” boys so get rid of the gender angle.

You are being sexist. You're excluding all boys on the basis that they are not well behaved and polite, despite admitting some are well behaved and polite.

Sexist. 😂 Regardless, kids birthday parties do not have to adhere to the equality act.

I think I found a good solution! Invite some of the boys (only the well behaved ones obviously) then it’s less obvious when you don’t invite this one girl. Then you’ve invited some of the class instead of all the girls minus one.. I think that sounds better and I would personally feel less guilty doing it that way

Why? Here is a girl who wants to invite her friends, who are shock horror at 8 all girls, and by dividing them into boy/girls you are using their sex to make you feel less guilty at not inviting a bully?

Why shouldn’t people be more honest - she doesn’t want the boys and she doesn’t want this girl - how difficult is it to just invite people you do want and stand by your own decision?

is it fair? No, it’s not fair DD gets bullied daily by one person, it’s not fair the boys trashed the house and it’s not fair to be under pressure to invite people you don’t want their. She’s allowed to invite who she wants to her birthday without anyone guilt tripping her - it’s a few hours one day a year.

My children were firmly told ‘it wasn’t their turn’ should a party invite not appear. That’s life. I’m not invited to everything and I can’t invite everyone all the time and I certainly don’t want to be told who to invite and I certainly don’t hang round with bullies. I avoid them.

🤣 I'm playing devils advocate! It's clear from the poll I'm in the minority here.

Seriously OP - children's party politics is a nightmare. The best advice is to navigate through it via a path of least drama. As a parent you can manage that.

Personally, I'm so glad to be coming out the other side of it all.

Wouldn’t be drama if parents just sent invites and not give it much thought.

It doesn’t have to be a nightmare. Invite those that your child wants to attend, that’s it.

Don't let that little madam spoil your DD's birthday. If she singled out your DD and her friend for calling them fat, she immediately uninvited herself. I'd be tempted to tell the parents that she's not being invited because of her behaviour, but that might not be the best policy!

Why are adults interpreting a child's words through the lens of an adult's words? Yes, the other chikd might have been mean, but it's no readon to make a meal of it. If her behaviour was so bad, you should have addressed it yo the school rather than waiting for a party to met out "justice". From the comments on here, one would think she's a hardened adult criminal. Good to remember that she's really a child, similar to your child's age and bith deserve adult compassion. Anyway, your child's party is a 2hr (or less) event that means so much to your family but hardly a global phenomenon. It's a privilege for people to accept an invite because everyone is busy and time so precious. So please stop acting as if the unfortunate child and her parents are dying to come to your party. If you don't want to invite her, don't. She'll survive.

So not only does the dd have a girl who is nasty and bullies her at her birthday party in her own home, you're suggesting the op actually spends MORE money to facilitate her attending?!