to exclude one girl?

[ExplodingCarrots]

It’s a party one.

DD party coming up. Having a party in the house so can’t invite whole class. We’ve never done whole class parties , only a couple of friends so never excluding a small number.

We had an issue the last time we had a party at the house where the boys who were invited were badly behaved so DD has said she wants to invite girls only.

The issue we have is that there is one girl in the class who is very mean to other kids and disruptive. She joined the school a year and a half ago and I know numerous parents have been in to school to complain because their child has been bullied , hit and called names. My DD started playing with the girl but it ended up in numerous dramas and my DD ending up being upset so she’s been told by the teacher and myself to stay away from each other. The other day my DD and her best friend were sat in the playground and the girl approached them and called them fat and told them to kill themselves. Obviously this upset them.

Because of this , DD doesn’t want to invite this girl. I completely agree as to why she don’t want her there BUT there’s this moral dilemma of obviously excluding 1 girl. DH is of the stance of this girl is not setting foot in the house and that’s that after she has said these things. But I’ve read on here so many posts saying you can’t exclude one child. I feel guilty but want to protect my DD too.

This girl tends to play with other boys and girls in other year group class so not a case of her not having friends. I obviously feel for her because she’s 8 and sounds very unhappy.

In these circumstances would it be ok not to invite? Other girls in the class who have been friends with DD since age 4 are terrified of this girl too. Invitations would be directly given to parents and not handed out in school to avoid other kids noticing .

Kids are 8 , DD will be turning 9.

YANBU - don’t invite
YABU - can’t exclude

I was going to come on and say you can't exclude one child.However given the circumstances and I would not be inviting her either.

Bullying by exclusion is still bullying.

I’d have to have a smaller party, regardless of her behaviour, I couldn’t actively invite every girl except one.

Well the way shes talking there must be deeper issues. Telling fellow kids at 8 years old to 'go and kill themselves' is highly disturbing. She's hearing that somewhere. Therefore I'd be speaking to teacher as the child obviously needs help. Some may say it's not your/my/their business or problem but potential/ child abuse is everyone's business.

I do think it's a tad mean to leave one girl out. This child may be a bully but exclusion also comes under bullying, op. That said though I can fully understand why you and your DD don't want her there.

Is OP only inviting girls & no lads?

@MajorCarolDanvers would you invite someone to your own party if they were aggressive towards you and told you to kill yourself? There's nothing awful about having boundaries.

She told your child to kill herself, of course she shouldn’t be invited.

Of course you can exclude. I wouldn't invite my bully to my party.

If the OP goes with a smaller party then she is just punishing other children for the behaviour of this girl. Why should others miss out? It also doesn't benefit the girl herself, she needs to realise that actions have consequences and people won't want to be friends with a violent person.

I’m afraid I think excluding one girl isn’t in, regardless of your DD’s feelings. The kid is new, god knows what’s going on in her background and further isolation really isn’t going to help her behaviour is it.

If you really want to exclude her then I’d consider a smaller party altogether, maybe just 5 or 6 close friends.

YANBU to invite whichever children you like but your DD hopefully will be encouraged to understand not all boys are badly behaved, be careful you are not raising an old-fashioned sexist!

I wouldn’t invite, nor would i feel bad about only not inviting her.
i would not feel bad about not inviting a child who has told your dd they were fat and ‘to kill themselves’
nope, not a chance

Yes, this.
You know perfectly well that life is hard for this child.
You do what you want but don’t ask for a pat on the back for it.

devildeepbluesea so if told you at aged 8 to go kill yourself you would be happy to invite to your party? Yeah right. Of course you would rather the ops daughters birthday is ruined by giving her bulky there.

She’s clearly not your DD’s friend so don’t invite her.
As she’s 8, not a toddler, she should know to behave better and the soon she learns actions have consequences the better

I think she is 8 and there's more going on here. I'd rather explore other options like getting the parent to attend.

I would not exclude one child. At that age.

She wouldn't be putting one toe over my threshold

Seriously ?? 😂 Obviously she knows not all boys are badly behaved . Not all the boys were badly behaved last time but the ones that were trashed my house , squirted jelly up my walls and were diving over my furniture . DD was mortified The girls always behave and are polite. As are some of the boys .. So she has decided to just have girls this time ..nothing to do with being sexist 🙄.

So if you were attacked would you feel better about it knowing the poor lamb had a hard childhood? No of course not! Why would you even worry about this issue.

Let DD invite her friends to her birthday kids look forward to it all year and there’s no reason to have it spoilt.

YANBU. A victim of bullying should not be deprived of the party they want in order to pander to the bully.

Why do people police and judge kids parties so much? Do people pop on the hen do posts and say 'well I hope you're inviting male colleagues and relatives too or if you don't at least acknowledge you're sexist'?! 🤔

Yanbu.

My parents had me be the bigger person as a kid, the bully continued to be a bully. Don't invite her. Bulky needs to learn actions have consequences.

Do you really think an 8 year old girl, from a difficult home, will think 'gosh, I've not been invited to any parties this year! I really must buck up my ways and those those girls who've been friends since reception will surely let me into their friendship groups!'

Again let me reiterate that DDs wishes were always going to be granted . The girl isn't coming here. So not a case of me caring more about this girl over DD. No way . It was just a case of maybe having to make an alternate plan to make it not obvious one person has been excluded. But DD wants to invite the girls.DH says DD should be able to invite who she wants without worrying about anyone else. The girls in the other same year group class won't be invited . There are 14 girls in DDs class .

How is asking the parent to come going to help? She's the one who has two daughters who are nasty to other kids, doesn't sound like she does a lot of parenting anyway.

Don't invite her op. She has to learn at some point there are consequences to her decisions. And your daughter has been told to stay away from her by her teacher so you're just following orders.

Personally I think it's mean to invite 13/14 girls in the class if that's what you're saying