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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to exclude one girl?

186 replies

ExplodingCarrots · 07/07/2022 17:43

It’s a party one.

DD party coming up. Having a party in the house so can’t invite whole class. We’ve never done whole class parties , only a couple of friends so never excluding a small number.

We had an issue the last time we had a party at the house where the boys who were invited were badly behaved so DD has said she wants to invite girls only.

The issue we have is that there is one girl in the class who is very mean to other kids and disruptive. She joined the school a year and a half ago and I know numerous parents have been in to school to complain because their child has been bullied , hit and called names. My DD started playing with the girl but it ended up in numerous dramas and my DD ending up being upset so she’s been told by the teacher and myself to stay away from each other. The other day my DD and her best friend were sat in the playground and the girl approached them and called them fat and told them to kill themselves. Obviously this upset them.

Because of this , DD doesn’t want to invite this girl. I completely agree as to why she don’t want her there BUT there’s this moral dilemma of obviously excluding 1 girl. DH is of the stance of this girl is not setting foot in the house and that’s that after she has said these things. But I’ve read on here so many posts saying you can’t exclude one child. I feel guilty but want to protect my DD too.

This girl tends to play with other boys and girls in other year group class so not a case of her not having friends. I obviously feel for her because she’s 8 and sounds very unhappy.

In these circumstances would it be ok not to invite? Other girls in the class who have been friends with DD since age 4 are terrified of this girl too. Invitations would be directly given to parents and not handed out in school to avoid other kids noticing .

Kids are 8 , DD will be turning 9.

YANBU - don’t invite
YABU - can’t exclude

OP posts:
ExplodingCarrots · 09/07/2022 10:06

First im a bully and now sexist 😂 oh dear.

Too many posts to quote but to acknowledge the ones who said are all the girls actually really good / don't invite other tricky girls ....

They've known each other since 3/4, there might be petty squabbles over the years but NOTHING in comparison to what this girl has said or done . We have always said we're quite lucky with the group of girls they got . The girl in question seems to play with girls in the other year group class so she's not alone .

I won't be paying anyone to 'supervise' this girl . She's not coming to the house. A poster made a good point that other girls would refuse the invite if this girl was going. A mum who's helping me at the party was verbally abused by the older sibling yesterday (the girl had been told off for being mean again to this mums DD , so sibling decided to verbally abuse the mum ) . There are occurrences several times a week and no big consequences seem to happen .

It seems there's still a slight divide of im a horrible person for excluding to invite who DD wants . I asked DD if she wanted to invite any of the boys and she said not this time.

OP posts:
ExplodingCarrots · 09/07/2022 10:13

Iusyje · 09/07/2022 09:55

Why are adults interpreting a child's words through the lens of an adult's words? Yes, the other chikd might have been mean, but it's no readon to make a meal of it. If her behaviour was so bad, you should have addressed it yo the school rather than waiting for a party to met out "justice". From the comments on here, one would think she's a hardened adult criminal. Good to remember that she's really a child, similar to your child's age and bith deserve adult compassion. Anyway, your child's party is a 2hr (or less) event that means so much to your family but hardly a global phenomenon. It's a privilege for people to accept an invite because everyone is busy and time so precious. So please stop acting as if the unfortunate child and her parents are dying to come to your party. If you don't want to invite her, don't. She'll survive.

As I've said three times now ...the school have been told !! This party isn't a form of revenge ! Party was booked before this incident happened. This girls behaviour has been going on since she arrived at the school . There are other things that have been done /said but I don't need to justify myself . I do genuinely feel sorry for this girl.

OP posts:
zingally · 09/07/2022 10:44

I would absolutely exclude her! And if it hurts her feelings, so what? Nasty little shits get their just desserts as far as I'm concerned.

There will be the other posters who will say "oh maybe she has a bad home life and is lashing out because of that, etc etc." And while that's really sad for the girl, that's not your 9 year old DDs problem to solve or accomodate.

Chocolatedelight · 14/07/2022 10:56

Why would u invite the child that's bullying your child really and u need to think about this why stop thinking and listen to your husband it's not your problem that she's a bully

Chocolatedelight · 14/07/2022 11:02

Who cares she 'll get a taste of her own medicine. She's a bully because no one ever bothered to stop hzr

Chocolatedelight · 14/07/2022 11:08

Why do u be care what the school says do they run your house

Chocolatedelight · 14/07/2022 11:22

It was pretty awful for the girls she has bullied so what now she knows how they felt stop enabling bullys

SueSaid · 14/07/2022 11:48

Whatever the back story you you don't exclude 1 dc.

Just invite say 5 out of 10 school friends, make up numbers with family and other out of school friends without been so cruel as to exclude 1.

You know kids at that age can be horrible. Don't lower yourself to their level. Invite all or half is what most folk tend to do.

sm506156 · 14/07/2022 12:59

Age does not matter. Bullies are usually formed by their parents and your suggestion is to have them stay. Not a good idea. The safety of all the other children are what is important and that little 8 year old is not a safe person for the other children to be around.

sm506156 · 14/07/2022 13:03

You are in the right to NOT invite your daughter and her friends tormenter. I am a mother too and I would protect my children from any and all bullies no matter what age they were. Honestly though someone needs to figure out what is happening in the bullies home life to make her behave that way and that is not your job. Your job is to protect your children and their friends. Bullies be damned.

lovesweetlovesweet · 14/07/2022 13:43

MajorCarolDanvers · 07/07/2022 18:11

I think excluding one 8 year old girl is pretty awful.

She's obviously got some problems but they are unlikely to improve by being singled out for exclusion from the parties.

You could ask the parent to stay to help supervise - after all she is only 8 years old.

I think this is a good solution.

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