to exclude one girl?

[ExplodingCarrots]

It’s a party one.

DD party coming up. Having a party in the house so can’t invite whole class. We’ve never done whole class parties , only a couple of friends so never excluding a small number.

We had an issue the last time we had a party at the house where the boys who were invited were badly behaved so DD has said she wants to invite girls only.

The issue we have is that there is one girl in the class who is very mean to other kids and disruptive. She joined the school a year and a half ago and I know numerous parents have been in to school to complain because their child has been bullied , hit and called names. My DD started playing with the girl but it ended up in numerous dramas and my DD ending up being upset so she’s been told by the teacher and myself to stay away from each other. The other day my DD and her best friend were sat in the playground and the girl approached them and called them fat and told them to kill themselves. Obviously this upset them.

Because of this , DD doesn’t want to invite this girl. I completely agree as to why she don’t want her there BUT there’s this moral dilemma of obviously excluding 1 girl. DH is of the stance of this girl is not setting foot in the house and that’s that after she has said these things. But I’ve read on here so many posts saying you can’t exclude one child. I feel guilty but want to protect my DD too.

This girl tends to play with other boys and girls in other year group class so not a case of her not having friends. I obviously feel for her because she’s 8 and sounds very unhappy.

In these circumstances would it be ok not to invite? Other girls in the class who have been friends with DD since age 4 are terrified of this girl too. Invitations would be directly given to parents and not handed out in school to avoid other kids noticing .

Kids are 8 , DD will be turning 9.

YANBU - don’t invite
YABU - can’t exclude

If she gets worse that is for her parents and the school. A OPs daughter and peers do not need to alter or restrict themselves through fear of her retaliating

The girls don't get along that's reason enough to exclude the child

Don’t invite the girl. It’s shit that your daughter even has to go to school with someone who bullies her and her friends in that way. Definitely don’t invite them into your home and ruin your daughters birthday.

And how should OP word that?

We don't Want to upset your bully so your good kind friends can't come anymore. And you don't get the birthday you want.

I’m with you Op, she wouldn’t be stepping foot through my garden gate let alone in my house.

Because my kids feelings matter, and at no point should they ever have to face a school bully in the one place where they should be safe. Fuck that shit.

This isn’t to teach the bully a lesson, it’s to teach op’s DD that it’s okay to have boundaries, that it’s okay to not have to be nice to everyone especially when they are not nice to you, that you don’t have to people please and put others feelings before your own all of the time. All these things that girls are taught and then usually mean when they’re older they run themselves ragged pleasing everyone and putting up with abusive partners.

Not OP's problem. Her job is to support her daughter.

YANBU.

Inviting her is rewarding bad behaviour.

YANBU, If I was in your situation OP, my kids wishes would absolutely trump the class bullies feelings!

Why on earth should OP daughter have a smaller party to not offend the class bully! Who is being punished, certainly not the bully!

I don't think it's unreasonable but I couldn't do it personally. Who knows what is going on in this girls life to make her behave in this way. I'd suggest that my DC had a smaller party so that it's not just one person left out

The other day my DD and her best friend were sat in the playground and the girl approached them and called them fat and told them to kill themselves absolutely do not invite her. Its a natural consequence of telling someone to kill themselves.

I don't think you should exclude just one child. Have a smaller party, 8 or so. My ds7 wouldn't have a problem in making a list of 8 of his closest friends. I also think that 14 8 year olds is a lot of kids for a party at your house!! I wouldn't have that many , personally

I think if you just excluded her then her behaviour is likely to worsen and that will make your DD's life harder at school.

I hope you've let the teacher know about the comments your DD has had aimed at her

No its not. They've been told to stay away from each other so presumably DD won't be invited to her party. I think it's sensible in order to keep everyone safe.

I'm sorry but if a kid was bullying mine I wouldn't be trying to play therapist to them I'd just want them nowhere near my child. And do you really think a teacher is going to disclose personal information about one of their pupils to a random woman? It would be more than their job was worth.

OP I'm with your husband on this one, actions have consequences. There's a boy in my son's class who was bullying others a couple of years ago. He found out he wasn't invited to a party for this reason and has done a complete 180 and is now on friendly terms with his classmates and is no longer violent towards them..

I wouldn't invite her, but I also wouldn't let her be the ONLY girl not invited; that is also a form of bullying. I would either scale down the party, or invite some people (relatives? neighbours? children whom your dd knows from an extracurricular activity?) and, either way, not invite all the girls in your dd's class.

Luckily we have a big garden and the 'activity' we've booked is based in the garden .
DD would struggle to pick out of the group of girls . It's so tricky 😢

Teacher was made aware of what was said yes.

Have we found the girls mother? Or just another parent with a bullying child?

Maybe it should be the actual parent of the child that teaches them to behave, not other parents? It's got nothing to do with op, what would you suggest she does if she invites the girl and she behaves badly? Or hurts another child?

If your child does bully, do you just expect everyone to accept them for how they are and ignore it? Hope it goes away by not acknowledging it and letting them get away with it, even given rewards of parties for it? What is your actual solution, because that's what it sounds like you'd do?

Similar situation and no we didn't invite the girl because if we had other children would not have come.

Yanbu I wouldn't have this child in my house ruining my DCs party

You’re putting way too much thought into it. Just invite the children that your daughter wants, nothing else matters.

Yikes. Your kid gets one birthday party a year!!! Of course you don't have to invite her!

My dds have big parties. The rule is if the kid does my head in I'll still invite them. If the kid does the dds head in I won't. One of dd1's friends did my head in for years. She's lovely now.

YANB at all U. This is not a child who is a bit mean that you could try and accommodate. This child told your daughter to kill herself! WTH. Sorry, but that's way over the mark to me. It isn't a random gathering, it is your daughter's birthday. Those saying you should try and invite are wrong.

So you said “The other day my DD and her best friend were sat in the playground and the girl approached them and called them fat and told them to kill themselves.”, and you feel YOU have a moral dilemma?
I think your moral ( and natural) instinct should be to protect your DD from her abuser. YANBU!

Yanbu at all.

in my opinion you should never exclude one child if they are naughty at school (but not towards your child) because they have special needs, because they are quiet but this child told your daughter to kill herself.

also please don’t listen to the people telling you to exclude perfectly nice girls so this vile child isn’t the only one - why should those have to miss out?

and the people saying she shouldn’t be left out as she will probably behave worse if you do? What a dreadful attitude to have letting nasty bullies win just because they will behave worse if they don’t. I can imagine how utterly vile your kids are if this is the way you behave towards them.

Ignore the people saying you're in the wrong.
the moment the girl told your dd to kill herself it was game over. Your dd deserves the party she wants, this girl can learn actions have consequences.
Your dd learns that abusers do not get to ruin her big events.
if she feels left out it’s not on you.

Don’t look at it as excluding one girl. She is in a class of 30 and is inviting 1( of her classmates. Just don’t hand out the invitations in class and you’ll be fine