to exclude one girl?

[ExplodingCarrots]

It’s a party one.

DD party coming up. Having a party in the house so can’t invite whole class. We’ve never done whole class parties , only a couple of friends so never excluding a small number.

We had an issue the last time we had a party at the house where the boys who were invited were badly behaved so DD has said she wants to invite girls only.

The issue we have is that there is one girl in the class who is very mean to other kids and disruptive. She joined the school a year and a half ago and I know numerous parents have been in to school to complain because their child has been bullied , hit and called names. My DD started playing with the girl but it ended up in numerous dramas and my DD ending up being upset so she’s been told by the teacher and myself to stay away from each other. The other day my DD and her best friend were sat in the playground and the girl approached them and called them fat and told them to kill themselves. Obviously this upset them.

Because of this , DD doesn’t want to invite this girl. I completely agree as to why she don’t want her there BUT there’s this moral dilemma of obviously excluding 1 girl. DH is of the stance of this girl is not setting foot in the house and that’s that after she has said these things. But I’ve read on here so many posts saying you can’t exclude one child. I feel guilty but want to protect my DD too.

This girl tends to play with other boys and girls in other year group class so not a case of her not having friends. I obviously feel for her because she’s 8 and sounds very unhappy.

In these circumstances would it be ok not to invite? Other girls in the class who have been friends with DD since age 4 are terrified of this girl too. Invitations would be directly given to parents and not handed out in school to avoid other kids noticing .

Kids are 8 , DD will be turning 9.

YANBU - don’t invite
YABU - can’t exclude

I agree
Don't invite her
It's more trouble than it's worth and it might put other friends off coming

If I was me I just wouldn't invite her

I very much believe at the very least that children should be able to rely on their parents to put them first, no matter what.

No. You're under NO obligation to invite her. Imagine a bully coming into your house and intruding upon your daughter's safe space - her bedroom - her house. That's your child's safe space. Don't let her in. And it could exacerbate things if this girl starts mocking her for the party, or things in the house etc. No. No way.

Sorry but it's not your problem

I wouldn't dream of inviting the girl.

Don't invite but the invites should not be handed out at school or by the teacher imo.

Like hell would I invite my DD's bully into her safe space to keep other people happy. If she is upset she's not invited it's a good lesson for her that her awful behaviour is resulting in kids not wanting to invite her to things. Her getting an invite regardless of her behaviour is giving her the message that her behaviour is ok, there is no incentive to stop. And she is given even closer access to her victims by their wet parents! She's not the only one being excluded, lots of others are also. DD is having her FRIENDS at her party, as it should be.

what She said , 100%

At the end of the day you’re not responsible for how the bully or their parents will feel with not being invited. What you are responsible for is your own child and their feelings. Exclude the bully and don’t think twice about it. Your children and their happiness come first.

Your child has decided she doesn’t want to invite boys because of their bad behaviour, and is worried that they will spoil her party (and that’s absolutely fine). So she also doesn’t want to invite this brat girl neither because she is a nasty bully who will almost definitely ruin the party. Don’t think twice. She has no God given right to an invite just for being female. I’m sure not all the girls in the class are your daughter’s best best friends but as they are generally nice kids they will rub along fine together. This gil is a fly in the ointment. Your husband is quite right - I wouldn’t have her in my house upsetting my child on their birthday neither.

Hmmmm. I do think it is a tough call because I disagree with excluding one child and think her bad behaviour may escalate because of that. On the other hand, the girl is nasty and bullying.

I think I would (as you have already said) give invitations direct to the parents with a request to tell them not to talk about ir at school as not everyone is invited. I wouldn’t tell them that just one girl isn’t invited.

I may approach the girl’s parent and say something along the lines of ‘I feel bad about not inviting her but DD is still very upset about being called fat and being told that someone hopes she dies. I hope will change and that they can play together in the future’.

That may (or may not) help the parents with managing the girl’s overall behaviour if they can see the social consequences it is have for her.

I had this same issue with my kids. Ended up inviting a smaller group (which was easier on me, so a bit of a bonus). I totally agree with (almost) everyone else about not inviting the bully. I think that’s an awful message to give your kids (which is what I told their teacher when he suggested we be “inclusive”). But I also think you make it harder for any of the help the bully is getting to be effective if they are singled out as the only one not accepted. And I expected my kids to be with this kid for another 4 years. So trying to balance the short and long term impact of decisions, I compromised on a smaller party.

This year is the last year they’ll all be in the same class, bully hasn’t really improved, school try a bit but parents don’t seem bothered so this year, if my kids want to exclude just the bully, I’m okay with that. They may not want one though. Despite complaining about having a smaller one the first year they seemed to enjoy it a lot and didn’t moan the next year when I said again that we couldn’t do the whole class minus one.

YANBU by excluding this girl, it is your daughter's day & should not be spoilt by one girl.

This kid is not your problem, or your daughter's. DD will hopefully erase the bully from her memory, but she won't forget that you and her Dad stuck up for her.

This is a no brainier, don’t invite her. She’s not being invited because she’s a mean bully.

I'm with the husband, I'd encourage dd not to talk about the party at school though for the sake of the nice boys who might feel left out.

In this instance I wouldn't invite the bully but would invite all others. I don't see why other pleasant children your dd has chosen to invite should miss out to spare the blushes and appear "kind" to a child that is so unpleasant to them. That lets the bully win.

As an adult you wouldn't think twice about not inviting someone dreadful. You'd easily and instinctively avoid and simply invite whomever else you pleased. Why do we insist on a higher standard for children, who have much less recourse against their bullies.

Your daughter should invite only the children she likes and is friendly with and if that is all bar the one bully then so be it. You don’t get to bully and intimidate and then expect to go to that child’s party. I detest where young girls are expected to roll over and accept shit behaviour as they have to “be kind”. All that is doing is teaching them to be a door mat and they learn their wishes don’t matter so they should just put up and shut up.

I'd invite who my child wanted. If that excludes one girl because of her behaviour, so be it. Regardless of whether or not she learns from it, who cares? In all honesty, I wouldn't give a fuck about a child's feelings, if they'd called my kid fat and told them to kill themselves.

Don’t teach your daughter that she has to be kind, it’s a huge issue for women and why they end up in miserable situations.

Thank you all for your responses. DD is my one and only and we always like to spoil her on her birthday . Me and DH never had birthday parties as kids . She 100% should be able to invite who she wants. It's just so tricky .
I wouldn't approach the mum telling her why her DD can't come, that would be awful ..and I don't want to risk a negative reaction.

Usually I agree with the "it's unkind to exclude just one kid" but in your case I think you are totally justified and why should other kids miss out if you reduce the party numbers just so she is not the only one excluded. Actions have consequences, she is 8 not 4 and should know better. I know I have got less tolerant as I have got older but "be kind" has it's limits. Hope your DD has an awesome party.

Totally agree.

no way would I invite the bully.

and I wouldn’t exclude any of the other girls either. That’s indirectly giving in to the bully. Why should they be punished bcos of her actions?

I wouldn’t invite the bully either (or approach her parents with the reason). I understand your DD really wants to invite all the other girls, I guess the only other thing I might ask of my DD is would she invite just a couple of the boys so that rather than the party being ‘all girls but one’ it becomes ‘roughly half the class’. I understand if that’s a no go though and also if you don’t feel it’s necessary given the girl’s behaviour.

I'm having a mass sleepover for my 10 year old tomorrow night. He's in a small school so out of the 7 boys in his year, all bar 1 got an invite (5 are coming). I don't feel bad about it, the kids violent and aggressive. Issues or not, I'm not having him in my house and that's that.

Your job is to protect your child op.
By inviting this other girl you're telling her it's ok with you that she is verbally abusive to your dd.
Possibly this girl has her own issues and I really hope she gets any help she requires.
Listen to your dd,it's her home as well as her party,her sanctuary where she needs to feel safe .
If you know her mum or dad you can if you wanted to explain that as the girls don't get on you are not extending a party invitation.
🌈hope she has a lovely day💝