to exclude one girl?

[ExplodingCarrots]

It’s a party one.

DD party coming up. Having a party in the house so can’t invite whole class. We’ve never done whole class parties , only a couple of friends so never excluding a small number.

We had an issue the last time we had a party at the house where the boys who were invited were badly behaved so DD has said she wants to invite girls only.

The issue we have is that there is one girl in the class who is very mean to other kids and disruptive. She joined the school a year and a half ago and I know numerous parents have been in to school to complain because their child has been bullied , hit and called names. My DD started playing with the girl but it ended up in numerous dramas and my DD ending up being upset so she’s been told by the teacher and myself to stay away from each other. The other day my DD and her best friend were sat in the playground and the girl approached them and called them fat and told them to kill themselves. Obviously this upset them.

Because of this , DD doesn’t want to invite this girl. I completely agree as to why she don’t want her there BUT there’s this moral dilemma of obviously excluding 1 girl. DH is of the stance of this girl is not setting foot in the house and that’s that after she has said these things. But I’ve read on here so many posts saying you can’t exclude one child. I feel guilty but want to protect my DD too.

This girl tends to play with other boys and girls in other year group class so not a case of her not having friends. I obviously feel for her because she’s 8 and sounds very unhappy.

In these circumstances would it be ok not to invite? Other girls in the class who have been friends with DD since age 4 are terrified of this girl too. Invitations would be directly given to parents and not handed out in school to avoid other kids noticing .

Kids are 8 , DD will be turning 9.

YANBU - don’t invite
YABU - can’t exclude

Of course it's up to you who you invite to your daughter's party, but I hope you reported to the teacher when the other girl told your daughter and her friend to go and kill themselves. Remember this is an 8 year old child we're talking about. 8 year olds don't come out with stuff like that unless they have heard someone else say it, maybe someone has said it to her.

I really hope she gets the help she needs. She sounds very unhappy.

As I've said above , teacher / school is aware of all that's happened .

To me, “bullying” is not necessarily about angry verbal outbursts. Especially when the “bully” is always alone and has outbursts towards other girls in groups. Bullying, especially by girls, can be a lot more covert and includes leaving people out and excluding them. I’d be wondering who the real bullies were here.
But you carry on OP. I can see where these things come from.

The OP does specifically mention bullying, though. We can only go by what’s said in the OP’s posts. I feel really sorry for the girl, and maybe she would come to the party and be lovely because she was so glad to be included, but maybe she would lash out at the other attendees or the birthday girl and make people upset on what is supposed to be a special, happy, relaxed occasion.

Invite by text direct to the parents

Your daughter and friends have issues with this other child into school, please do not feel guilty about inviting this child into your own childs safe space......trust me she will NEVER forget it....this I know from personal experience

I will never understand this MN thing of having to invite literally everyone to every party. I would never make my child celebrate their birthday with someone they don't like or feel comfortable around. Of course you shouldn't invite the horrible girl who literally told your child she's fat and to commit suicide??? Put your child before the bully???

Your post has really bothered me . I shouldn't have to state this but this girls bullying is more than angry outbursts. It includes forming gangs, keeping people in her 'gang' through fear (if you play with people who are not in the gang I'll kick you out and no one will want to be your friend) , threatening to get older sibling on to kids when kids won't do what she wants . Some girls turned from bubbly girls who loved school to girls who were crying at the gate . My DD gave this girl a chance and tried to be her friend but it ended up with constant tears and being called in by the teacher . That's when I had to get cross and say enough, she stays away full stop.

Don't be too bothered @ExplodingCarrots there's always someone who comes along on a thread with a 'gotcha' or 'a-ha!' (Not the band!) To try and change things with a sage...' mmmm maybe your daughters the bully and this poor girl is only responding' bumpf!

Haha are you joking?! Seriously.
No this is bollocks. Bullying is malicious intent. It's purposefully hurtful and abusing others. OP is not "excluding" the nasty bully with any intention of hurting them. OP is protecting their child and ensuring she's having a lovely birthday. Totally different from being told to go away and die. Just for an example.

Why don't you invite the office bitch over for a drink in your living room? Or find an abusive partner to scream you're fat and why don't you die in your face for a few minutes. No?? Well how bullying and excluding of you!!!

OP i wouldn't invite the girl in question, but nor would I invite every other girl in the class. I would limit invitations to 5-6 close girl friends. That's quite enough for a party at home, any more and the girls will start separating into smaller groups, some of whom may not spend time with your DD. My DS has just turned 9 and he has a select group of friends - we have moved beyond the needing to invite every boy in the class

Actually yes, I would make an effort with a person who was always alone and angry.

Not so much the cliques who get a little frisson from leaving one person out.

If she does have a gang of friends then that’s different and absolutely not your duty to invite her.

I wouldn't invite her, but I'd tell dd not to tell her friends that x is excluded.
It'd be mean to let the child feel like that on purpose.

It is a hard call but I wouldn't let someone in who'd behaved like that

@Thereisnolight let me know how it goes inviting abusers over to your house then.
Also 1. This girl is not alone. She has a gang that she manipulates through fear and 2. OP and DD are not getting any joy out of excluding her. She's specifically asking about it AND it's not being done for pleasure. It's being done for safety

Why on earth should OP ignore the posters on one side of the discussion, when she expressly asked for opinions? Very odd advice

I wouldn't do it, personally. I think excluding one 8yo out of a group of 14 is cruel and sets a poor example. If you feel you can't have this child in the house, and DD doesn't want her there, then I would invite fewer children so there isn't one obviously excluded child.

I disagree vehemently with the pp who said that there isn't always a reason for this sort of disturbed behaviour, and that some children are just "awful little shits". That's completely wrong, and it's a lazy, nasty attitude for an adult to have. I do agree though that the reasons for this child's behaviour aren't OP's or her DD's problem to solve. I hope parents are keeping the school abreast of all these incidents, and that someone is doing something to help this little girl.

*Actually yes, I would make an effort with a person who was always alone and angry.

Not so much the cliques who get a little frisson from leaving one person out.*

Even if that person was calling you fat and telling you to kill yourself?

I think it's a worse example to say that her friends that are nice to her should miss out and her daughter shouldn't get the party she wants incase it upsets the person who bullies her and tells her to kill herself.

You don't have to be nice to people who are nasty to you.

I wouldn't invite her but there is no way I would invite 13/14 girls and exclude just her. That's unkind.

Is it really the case that your DD is equally friends with the other 13 girls who are all lovely and there is one new bully girl? That would be really unusual in a class of girls.

Your DD's teacher advised her as well that your DD and this other girl should stay away from each other. That's your excuse if anyone complains - that in not inviting her you were following the advice from the school.

That's only if you feel you need an excuse. I think this is simple - your DD invites whoever she wants and has the party she wants. Anyone who is disappointed at being excluded just needs to deal with it.

I would just omit some of the other tricky girls in the class so it doesn't appear like you are punishing one child.

Why should the others miss out?

There are no easy options here. But imo excluding one girl is worse than a few girls missing out. It is normal for a group of girls to miss out on a party. It is not normal for one girl to be excluded.

your daughter doesn’t like this girl because she bullies her, so why would you even consider inviting her into your home? if there was someone at your work who was nasty to you, you wouldn’t invite them round would you?

these people saying you shouldn’t ‘exclude’ her are totally deluded. if she ends up being upset by not being invited, maybe she’ll start to see there’s consequences to her behaviour.

Don't invite her... if you do, your daughter will think that you don't have her back. Then where will you be?