Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say you take both or you don't get DD

588 replies

jamoncrumpets · 07/07/2022 14:43

I have two children, DS is nearly eight, autistic and has additional needs. DD is four and neurotypical.

Neither side of the family has ever offered us practical support or help with DS, never offered to babysit or take him out. The only help I received with him was a few hours while I had planned c section for DD and then my husband had to go home by teatime to put him to bed.

DD is growing and developing at the same rate as her peers, she's a very funny and outgoing little girl who makes us all laugh. We put a lot of effort into giving her our attention and support so that she doesn't feel resentful of time that we have to give to her brother, who she loves.

She is getting to the age now where both sets of grandparents are talking about having her go to their houses to stay, or taking her on holiday. But when they talk about this they only ever mention her. Never my son.

My heart says you don't get to pick and choose which of my kids you give this attention to. But I don't want to deny DD happy memories. AIBU?

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 07/07/2022 14:49

Being autistic and having special needs could be anything in a vary wide spectrum.... I think you need to be a bit more specific as to how easy it is to cope with him.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 07/07/2022 14:50

Do they spend time with him when you are there but just don’t offer to have him by themselves?

SpaceshiptoMars · 07/07/2022 14:50

My heart says you don't get to pick and choose which of my kids you give this attention to. But I don't want to deny DD happy memories. AIBU?

Have you been blunt and asked why DD and not DS? Drill down and get their specific reasons. You don't have to say yes or no, just get to the root of the problems. Maybe they lack confidence, need clear instructions, techniques that work with him, earplugs, whatever. You could always say, well let's see how you get on with DS on his own, he's old enough now.

Mally100 · 07/07/2022 14:52

Yabvu to deny her this, even though it is unfair. Your ds needs might be just too much to cope with / restrictive for holidays and non routine activities. So why deny your dd these opportunities and respite when she has to deal with alot at home?

Yodaisawally · 07/07/2022 14:53

How are your ds's needs?

Lifelessordinary1 · 07/07/2022 14:54

How often do they see your children? They may lack confidence in dealing with your son and so not feel capable of looking after him. Do they show in any other way that they do not care for him as much?

Ultimately, no matter how hard you try your daughters life will be affected by having a sibling with Special needs and spending time with her Grandparents who will be able to focus just on her and plan events solely around her is probably the best way to ensure she does not get resentful and gets to feel like she is not missing out on life.

From a Grandparent of 13yo boy with ASD and LD and a 7yo neurotypical girl

missdemeanors · 07/07/2022 14:54

Many children with autism would find staying over in someone else's house or going away on holiday incredibly stressful and would crave routine.

Unless there's a massive drip feed coming then YABU

LittleOwl153 · 07/07/2022 14:55

Assuming the answer to my question above is that he is in mainstream school and copes ok without 1 to 1 supervision, isn't a danger to himself or others etc then I would sit both sets of grandparents down, out of earshot of the kids and explain how you feel and see where it goes from there.

If he is more severely affected then you should look at professionally provided respite for him if possible.

Sirzy · 07/07/2022 14:55

I would see it as a chance for her to be focused on in a way that often isn’t possible when you have another child with additional needs.

Pottedpalm · 07/07/2022 14:55

Would your DS cope with being away from you? Would they cope with him? Honestly?

MolliciousIntent · 07/07/2022 14:56

Is your son easy to take care of?

riesenrad · 07/07/2022 14:58

We don't know how severe your son's additional needs are. If they are quite significant, it is probably going to be difficult for anyone else to accommodate them.

In addition, I don't think you should prevent your dd having fun on her own, it's not her fault she has a sibling with special needs. She'll probably have limitations all her childhood because of it, and possibly into adulthood as well, so don't hold her back when she doesn't need holding back.

Of course, if his additional needs are minor, then you may well be right and they are being unfair. That said, they should be able to spend time with each grandchild and not always have to do everything with both of them.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/07/2022 14:58

I think it depends on what additional "work" (sorry, I can't think of a better word) your ds is to family members.

In a perfect world, if grandparents and other relatives are willing and able to take the dc, then there should be no reason to prevent one and not the other.

However there may be significantly more required from them than they are able to give if the needs of ds are profound.

missdemeanors · 07/07/2022 14:58

To expand on my post, if it's the case that the gp's aren't putting any effort into having a relationship with your son then I think they're wrong. However Unsure they might feel, they should at least be trying to have a loving relationship.

But babysitting, days out, sleepovers and holidays - these are different. Being fair doesn't mean treating them identically, given that one has a disability and as I said earlier, for many autistic children, the disruption to their routine would be the opposite of enjoyable anyway

XmasElf10 · 07/07/2022 14:58

Depending on the severity of additional needs I think you are being quite reasonable. My DD is NT. My niece has ASD, ADHD, APD and some pretty severe ticks. She can be a handful but she is never left out of family activities and spends time with me and her grandparents. I’d expect family to put the effort into learning how to cope with your sons needs so that he can be included successfully. Shame on them.

JustLyra · 07/07/2022 15:02

It entirely depends on the needs of your DS.

I would never deny my other kids time with people who don’t have the ability or confidence to cope with my youngest. Her needs are extensive and daunting.

in fact I’d much rather people were honest about their capabilities and confidence than try and bluster their way through it in a bid to be fair, or just not bother with any of the kids at all

HmmLetMeSeee · 07/07/2022 15:02

Well it does depend on the severity of your son's additional needs.

But if they are such that it's unlikely family members can cope taking him away or having him stay by themselves then I do think you are being unreasonable.

It of course comes across as unfair to you but I do believe your DD should be given some opportunities for normality i.e. holidays with grandparents and shouldn't be stopped from doing that because her brother has more complex needs than she does. I think you need to see it from both angles, not just your son's. It would be unfair on your daughter though too to miss out on these opportunities.

Buythebag40 · 07/07/2022 15:02

I think that's awful - if the reason is that they're scared of his issues then it's on them to learn how to deal with problems that may arise. However, could it be ignorance on their part? Do they assume you wouldn't want to leave him in anyone else's care in case they couldn't look after him as well as you?

id like to think if it was my grandchild I'd make the effort to learn about how to deal with his needs - and I'd want to give my DD\SIL a break now and then.

TheDepthsOfDespair · 07/07/2022 15:03

Yabu.
you can’t insist that they care for DS if they don’t feel able to. And it’s unfair for dd to miss out.

dd regularly stays at grandmas house but DS hasn’t and they’re both nt.

HmmLetMeSeee · 07/07/2022 15:04

it's not her fault she has a sibling with special needs. She'll probably have limitations all her childhood because of it, and possibly into adulthood as well, so don't hold her back when she doesn't need holding back.

And yes sorry I agree with this.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 07/07/2022 15:04

I think it depends , my youngest has asd and when he was little the only person I really felt comfortable having him was my sister who is a LD nurse.

My mum has taken away his brother who is just under 2 years older than him along with my dn who is the same age. She also had my elder children separately and together though (big age gaps)

Now ds4 is older (9) my family have him either with his brother or on his own but he's in ms school, doesn't need 1:1 and no longer jas meltdowns etc

Dotjones · 07/07/2022 15:05

YABU to punish her for having a brother with special needs. That's not anyone's fault, especially not her's.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/07/2022 15:06

Dotjones · 07/07/2022 15:05

YABU to punish her for having a brother with special needs. That's not anyone's fault, especially not her's.

Surely the relatives are punishing her. She likes spending time with her brother.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 07/07/2022 15:08

How severe are your sons' needs? I mean, are they physically capable of doing the necessary care for him? I mean, for example, if he needs changing or has meltdowns, can they do those things without help and without getting injured?

Overall, I don't think it's fair to restrict your DD because your DS has additional needs that the grandparents might struggle with.

11Hawkins · 07/07/2022 15:08

YANBU. It can cause so many problems leaving one child out not just for your son but your daughter too.

It's all or nothing in my eyes.

Swipe left for the next trending thread