To say you take both or you don't get DD

[jamoncrumpets]

I have two children, DS is nearly eight, autistic and has additional needs. DD is four and neurotypical.

Neither side of the family has ever offered us practical support or help with DS, never offered to babysit or take him out. The only help I received with him was a few hours while I had planned c section for DD and then my husband had to go home by teatime to put him to bed.

DD is growing and developing at the same rate as her peers, she's a very funny and outgoing little girl who makes us all laugh. We put a lot of effort into giving her our attention and support so that she doesn't feel resentful of time that we have to give to her brother, who she loves.

She is getting to the age now where both sets of grandparents are talking about having her go to their houses to stay, or taking her on holiday. But when they talk about this they only ever mention her. Never my son.

My heart says you don't get to pick and choose which of my kids you give this attention to. But I don't want to deny DD happy memories. AIBU?

Seems like it! I can see OP's side though.

She may enjoy a break away from her brother , and it would be good if they did offer to take him sometime to give you a break x

'None of that is my son's fault. I'm sure they could figure out nice things to do with him that wouldn't upset him. If they tried.'

Totally agree. It's about trying isn't it, making an effort, having a conversation with you that they'd like to spend time with your ds and how is the the best way to do that for example short trips like picnics or could he cope with an overnight stay.

I really feel for you op, some families are just hopeless when it comes to relatives with specific needs .

Exactly @Clymene it's not about free babysitting. I've not had any in eight years and not expecting any in the future.

Well your options see to be either talk to them and help them, carry on as things are or deprive your daughter so yes I would say tackling the issue sounds the best way to stop their being resentment.

She loves her brother. Why do you think she needs a break from him?

Well no, but you say he is a lot of work. Perhaps they are worried they won't be able to do it, which isn't really that surprising if it's something they aren't used to. Unless you think they just dislike your DS? I don't know why you wouldn't want to enable them to feel more confident looking after your son so that they can share a bond with him. And yes, I do think it is a parent's job to encourage and faciliate relationships with other primary adults in the children's lives if possible (generally, not just surrounding SEN).

I can give an example of how being a 'pair' impacted on me, as we always visited grandparents for school holidays together, often for weeks on end, as they lived by the sea and nan didn't work. My grandparents just couldn't cope with my brother's behaviour alone (and they were very capable). So, when we went to them for a holiday I often (even from a fairly young age) ended up having to calm him down, deal with behaviour we now might attribute to ADHD but then was regarded as just downright naughty! I hated it, being seen as the sister who could calm him down (happened at primary school too and mum bitterly regretted this in hindsight, as I got called out of class, had to go with him to a&e having punched a window... you get the idea and then my brother being compared to his academic, capable sister!) deal with his temper issues and it had an impact on me that I gave no thought to until much later in life. It can seem unreasonable but I 'loved' time with relatives on my own, time with my parents on my own and just my own space. Just that it may not seem right to favour one, but please do think about the benefits to the 'one' too.

How will you explain your stance to your daughter if it comes out that you stopped her from having fun with grandparents?

I can totally see how upset you are at the unfairness but it’s not fair on your daughter that you are treating her as if she is not NT.

Well maybe her daughter will grow up realising that ableism isn't acceptable and that she doesn't want to spend any time with people like that?

I know I wouldn't.

If he's 'a lot of work' and they have not looked after him before why are you wanting them to have both children together??

That's setting the lot of them, kids included, up to fail

You want that?

Your daughter is considered a young carer. It is important for her to receive respite and breaks from that role.

I don't think you quite get it...

My DB when he was ill with asthma he got a lot of attention (and also hospital visits), it was overwhelming at times for the whole family and especially me, who was shy and not very outgoing.

It was really nice to spend a day/afternoon with other family sometimes and my DB got the same treatment sometimes too (once they knew he was safe, wouldn't have a severe asthma attack).

Also, if there are 2 children in a family, sometimes it can be nice to just take one of them out for the day, in your case your DS or your DD and to give that child one on one attention and make them feel special. Did you never get this treatment yourself as a child?

Plenty of siblings enjoy a bit of 1:1 time away from each other. Why would this be different because one is NT and one is not?

@jamoncrumpets I'm really not sure this thread is helping you at all.

I realise that people are saying things that you find upsetting or unfair but having posted in AIBU, you're going to get a variety of views.

I do think it's relevant what your son's individual needs are because it could be that his grandparents feel unsure about how they will manage. I don't think there's actually anything wrong with that but you are right that just not mentioning him in future plans and not discussing how it could work, seems unfair.

Have you all been away together? Is this a possibly compromise? You might then find they'd feel more confident taking both children away or having them for sleepovers.

She's 4 FFS

All (or most) children enjoy one to one attention.

I can see this is a very sensitive issue for you and you seem quite aggressive defensive. Unless there is history with the grandparents I am not sure why you assume the worst of their motives though. When DS was young he was a pretty challenging baby/ toddler. We often let DD go stay with grandparents so (1) she could have some attention focus on just her, rather than her tantruming brother and (2) because we recognised dealing with her was infinitely easier for them than dealing with DS/ both at the same time which we felt was a big ask.

He can get very anxious and upset in new or busy situations

I would imagine that’s your answer then. Don’t deprive your DD of nice experiences because the grandparents don’t feel able to care for your son.

Our daughter is raised to celebrate difference so she would notice inconsistency pretty quickly and be annoyed about it.

And? This is from now into the future.

It's undstandable that OP is ready to go to war for her child with SN. But that's often when the NT child is pushed aside.

Good job I wasn't able to quit on him the second it got hard, I suppose.

Some kids are more difficult regardless of whether they’re ND. I’ve got two neurodiverse kids and when they were little my youngest would often refuse to do certain things. We’d all go on holiday together and sometimes I’d take youngest out on my own so that my parents could take eldest out on boat trips etc. I feel sad about our ten minute tour of the Natural History museum and not getting beyond the Science museum shop but we did our best.

I never felt that my parents cared more for my eldest and they were treated equally. Incidentally, we didn’t know that my eldest was autistic at that time because he didn’t present in the same way. This thread seems more concerned about your DDs feelings, as if your DS doesn’t have any feelings.

Omg. They are his grandparents. Surely they could voice any concerns to the op and at least see what she thinks?!

Being a parent is completely different to a GP spending time with a grandchild.

You seem to have just decided that they are abelist and as such should be shunned and denied a relationship with your daughter. Rather than trying to work out what the worries they have are and addressing them so they can have a relationship with both. Also, do you not talk to your family? Why not just ask them? Or tell them how it makes you feel?

I think you missed my OP in which I stated that my DH and I parent our children very conscious of their differences, but in a way that celebrates them both and allows them to shine. And they're both doing very well. They're happy.

My DD doesn't need a holiday from her sibling. It's rude to suggest that she does.

She is currently bouncing on the trampoline laughing her head off without a care in the world while I waste my afternoon trying to explain to people that my DS with additional needs (who is on his swing singing his heart out) is as worthy as her of love and individual attention. She's not suffering.