To say you take both or you don't get DD

[jamoncrumpets]

I have two children, DS is nearly eight, autistic and has additional needs. DD is four and neurotypical.

Neither side of the family has ever offered us practical support or help with DS, never offered to babysit or take him out. The only help I received with him was a few hours while I had planned c section for DD and then my husband had to go home by teatime to put him to bed.

DD is growing and developing at the same rate as her peers, she's a very funny and outgoing little girl who makes us all laugh. We put a lot of effort into giving her our attention and support so that she doesn't feel resentful of time that we have to give to her brother, who she loves.

She is getting to the age now where both sets of grandparents are talking about having her go to their houses to stay, or taking her on holiday. But when they talk about this they only ever mention her. Never my son.

My heart says you don't get to pick and choose which of my kids you give this attention to. But I don't want to deny DD happy memories. AIBU?

Op.... you haven't answered the other questions?

The practicalities... you are just focusing on the emotional aspect

You haven't really given much more info to go on OP. But I understand you feeling hurt if none of the gps have made an effort. It would be helpful for you to discuss directly with them, and perhaps suggest activities they can do which your ds would enjoy and which will be manageable for them.

You seem focussed on sleepovers and holidays and I can't over state this: unless your ds is untypical of many children with autism, this would probably be very disruptive to his routine and stressful for him. Taking a grandchild away on holiday is a big deal anyway.... many gps wouldn't do this with a NT child.

If they're not willing to even build a relationship with him then that's awful. But please don't punish your dd by not letting her enjoy the things your ds probably wouldn't enjoy anyway

I think they should make some effort with your son, it might be different to what they can do with DD but something. OP you know your son best, is there something that would be easier for them to do with him? If they are older they might find the thought of a holiday with him too much but maybe a trip to his favourite park one afternoon or the cinema/zoo/museum, anything really.

I have a son with severe learning disabilities, my parents cope well with him but my inlaws have never tried! His neurotypical older sister has benefitted a lot from staying with both sets of grandparents and has a lovely relationship with both sets. My parents live on the same street as us and DD pops in and out all the time, it gives her a place to be made a fuss of and be the center of attention and somewhere to go to get a bit of space from her brother.
Saying that they have to take both children is very short-sighted! It may be too much for them.
Without knowing your child's needs it is very hard to say if your family are being unreasonable or not.

Without knowing the extent of your son's special needs, I have a friend whose childhood was totally marred by her brother's cerebral palsy. Obviously not as much as his was, but it is easy for the siblings of such children

Sounds like you are setting them up to fail by saying 'you take both or you don't get DD'

Almost like she's a prize. Sit down and work through it with them

What's your DH perspective?

I can totally see how unfair it looks from your viewpoint and of course your ds is just as worthy of attention.
But you relatives appear to be unable for whatever reason to give him that attention.
They are able to give it to your dd.
She will have additional challenges being raised in a household with a sibling with significant extra needs.
It may be very positive for her to have these relationships and experiences both now and in the future.
It will also enable you to spend more 1:1 time with your son.
It isn't fair but depriving your dd of this won't make life any fairer.

Maybe they don't know how to raise whatever issues they have over your DS visiting? Perhaps they're worried they'll put their foot in it and offend you? What if you bring it up with them e.g. 'it's great you want to see DD, I'm sure she would love it. DS would love to see you too. Can we arrange something?' If they um and ah about it, ask what you can do to compromise. Perhaps they feel unable to cope with 2 young kids at once and can realistically only see one child at a time? Perhaps they're worried they won't be able to meet DS's needs, so it may be they would be happy to see him if you are there as well?

It honestly depends how much additional work he is- sorry if that sounds blunt.

I think that you and your husband should sit them down for a face to face conversation and say

“ We understand that now that the children are older, you would like to spend some one-on-one time with them.

” This would be lovely for them both so we will need to have a discussion about how you can best manage that with DS and DD.

“We understand if you feel that you can’t manage them both together as they have such different needs so we need to plan how you can spend quality time with both of them individually. You will you will understand how important it is for us to treat both children equally and we are sure that you will support us with that.

“ How do you feel about coming over this Saturday and watching DS for three hours at our home while we take DD to the park?

[ or whatever works for your DS]

“We can see how that goes and maybe the next weekend you could take DD to your house for the afternoon? “

Hopefully they will not be blunt enough to actually say no, we are not interested in DS only in DD. If they mutter about not being sure how to cope with DS then you can just explain it’s a matter of practice and experience and you are sure that as his wonderful loving grandparents they will want to learn these skills.

Naturally the last thing you want your DD to grow up believing is that her brother never gets any fun with relatives because he’s disabled.

If the grandparents try and manipulate the situation, you can just be very strict about saying “ Actually I think it’s Dss turn to spend some time with you this weekend, mother-in-law , as DD came last month”.

I would be very careful about denying your daughter things based on fairness of her brother.

Does he get more or your time? Energy? Resources?

I have a friend with such resentment built up against her brother due to how her parents handled his needs that she has cut him off and has a very limited relationship with them

Its a difficult one. A lot of people are afraid of the word autism alone. Do they spend much time with your child and would they be able to cope with his additional needs. Does he have meltdowns or is he a flight risk I find these are the things families struggle with most. I'm sorry it must be very tough ❤️

Suggest well if you want to take DD this time next time they take ds. It does siblings good to have a break from each other but it's not fair when they choose the easier child to look after.

I've got two with special needs but son seems to always have been favoured. Because he's easier to look after.

And actually I disagree with all the other posters saying “well it depends how disabled your son is“.

These are this child’s grandparents and unless they are very elderly/frail /disabled themselves, it is incumbent on them to learn how to spend some time with their grandchild.

I think it’s appalling that none of them have thought to do this in the last eight years and I feel very sorry for the poor OPand her husband. The higher the level of his child’s needs, the more important it is that his parents get some respite and it’s shocking that his grandparents have never offered.

No it’s not easy. But I’m sure as hell it’s not easy for his parents either.

I shouldn't have to list all his challenges here but seeing as you're so desperate to hear them, no he isn't a runner. He isn't violent. He is able to use the toilet. He speaks in short sentences or single words but understands more. He can get very anxious and upset in new or busy situations but he doesn't hit or run.

He's a brilliant boy and deserves the extra effort needed to accommodate him.

I think YANBU to be hurt and upset and think it’s shitty behaviour. It is.

But YABU to refuse something your DD would enjoy.

I think in your shoes I would suck it up and let DD go, for her sake. Although I probably wouldn’t be able to resist some pointed comments about how they only want the easy one.

Can you use the opportunity to do something with DS that you can’t easily do with both? Will DS be aware of / upset by being left out ?

Welcome to my world @1VY it's a good job my DH and I bother with him isn't it?

A very sensible approach to take.

Suggesting a few people here also read

For those with SEN child how much do your family help? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4584971-for-those-with-sen-child-how-much-do-your-family-help

Quite eye opening.

To give you my perspective - I was your DD in that I have a sibling with SEN.

My sibling's needs are severe enough that no-one was really able to cope with them other than my DPs.

I often went to stay with grandparents and family and went on separate day trips. In fact my DM often used to take me on my own day trips with her and either left my sibling with my DF or we went out when they were in respite care.

We never went on holiday with my sibling as it was too difficult and ultimately not a holiday for my DM. We did, however, go on holiday without them, just the 3 of us. I'm sure my Mum felt guilty, but the respite care centre was wonderful and my sibling had the best time there too, so effectively had a holiday of their own.

My DM's said, now I'm older, that they felt terrible that they weren't able to do things for me because of my sibling. I never felt that at the time of course, but looking back I realise how restrictive life could be because of it. Those times I got to go away to relatives were wonderful and I look back at them fondly, especially as the DGPs are no longer alive.

To me it really does depend on how much support your DS needs and whether they feel comfortable and capable of looking after him. If they don't, is it fair that your DD misses out on what would otherwise be a fun trip for her?

If you think they should be able to cope with your DS, perhaps suggest that they have them both initially but only for a short period of time and slowly build up the time. If your DS is autistic, this might be the best approach for him too if he is change averse.

You say he is a lot more work.

That could mean anything from he takes more effort to communicate with all the way to frequent violent meltdowns, double incontinence etc.

You won't get good answers unless you give more detail. In any case, I think your DD should not be denied the opportunity to be looked after on her own and it will give you opportunities for valuable one on one time with DS who likely needs that too.

Are you able to bring it up in conversation with them OP? I’d find it hurtful too, however I suspect they feel they can’t cope with DS so bury their heads in the sand and only offer to see DD and are unaware or avoiding thinking about the impact this has. If you talked it through perhaps a compromise could be reached. I’d be wary of being so rigid that DD misses out as she naturally makes accommodations for DS at home and it seems a shame for her not to have treats with her grandparents.

So the only person supposed to 'deal' with issues like that would be me? Is that fair?

Much of that is hypothetical anyway because my child isn't doubly incontinent. But if he were would he really not be worthy of attention from his grandparents?

But they can give him attention and care and love. With you there.

You're missing the point spectacularly @Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim