To say you take both or you don't get DD

[jamoncrumpets]

I have two children, DS is nearly eight, autistic and has additional needs. DD is four and neurotypical.

Neither side of the family has ever offered us practical support or help with DS, never offered to babysit or take him out. The only help I received with him was a few hours while I had planned c section for DD and then my husband had to go home by teatime to put him to bed.

DD is growing and developing at the same rate as her peers, she's a very funny and outgoing little girl who makes us all laugh. We put a lot of effort into giving her our attention and support so that she doesn't feel resentful of time that we have to give to her brother, who she loves.

She is getting to the age now where both sets of grandparents are talking about having her go to their houses to stay, or taking her on holiday. But when they talk about this they only ever mention her. Never my son.

My heart says you don't get to pick and choose which of my kids you give this attention to. But I don't want to deny DD happy memories. AIBU?

Do you realise how patronising that sounds to somebody who has been on several holidays with a neurotypical and a neurodiverse child?

One of my children is a lot more hard work than the others - he is - as far as we know NT but is still very little but family make it quite clear they couldn't cope with him. I don't push the issue. Deep down I know he is hard work. Everyone has their limits of what they can manage - and as grandparents of a certain age then you have to be realistic and accepting that those limits are lower than yours

My children have never stayed with grandparents as they are scared of ds2's asthma. Which is well controlled, he has a maximum of 1-2 attacks a year in the winter and he always responds to his emergency protocol.

My brother also had asthma growing up so it's not new!

They hinted at just taking ds1 and I shut it down straight away. It would be fine if they took them one at a time, but no way are they picking and choosing like that.

I don't blame you at all. They could treat you children equally without it being exactly the same. They just don't want to make the effort.

@BadNomad wod you say the same if the OP's son was neurotypical? Do you generally think its OK for grandparents to play favourites?And how do you think the OP should explain it to him?

Whilst I will probably be told I am making excuses for the grandparents, when you say,

"None of that is my son's fault. I'm sure they could figure out nice things to do with him that wouldn't upset him. If they tried."

Have you included them on days out (for example) with both of your children and you, so they can see for themselves that his behaviour is not as challenging as they might think it is?

Some people (particularly of the older generation) hear things like autism or adhd and think of the extreme behaviours connected with them, and may worry they wouldn't cope with him in a new situation.

Or they may feel like they want to allow dd some time to do things she (with you and her brother) wouldn't necessarily get to do.

I can understand it would be hurtful, but I also think I would want to get to the root of how/why they feel like they do, to find some resolution

Can you separate the two issues.

them having 1-1 time with your daughter is fine, it’s probably a positive experience for her.

but the desire for some respite/support is also fine and understandable. Can you sit down and talk to them about that bit? Maybe one of you go along at first to help them learn how to help and keep it to short times at home initially?

there needs are different so the role the grandparents play will be different but ideally they would make the effort to try

I don't care about the grandparents. It's the DD I'm thinking about. She's the one who is being punished for the grandparents' behaviour. That isn't fair.

I really wouldn't worry about DD, she's thriving.

I’m sorry to read these responses @jamoncrumpets , this thread has made me feel really sad.

it also seems lots of assumptions are being made just on the word “autism”, with stereotypes abounding (‘flight risk’ for example!) but I suppose people only know what they know, unless they have reason or desire to educate themselves further.

People are asking questions to gain a better understanding of the situation

And you are being rude

Why's that?

Because of the absolute deluge of ableism contained in the responses, that people aren't even aware of. It's depressing.

i didn’t mean to be patronising - Ive also been on holidays with neuro diverse and neuro typical kids. And I still stand by what I’ve said - it dramatically changes the dynamics.

You might be comfortable with it, but not everyone is. have the grandparents ever had your son overnight?

Going away for two weeks a year won’t make your daughter think her brother is someone to be ashamed of.

'Do you realise how patronising that sounds to somebody who has been on several holidays with a neurotypical and a neurodiverse child?'

Wow! Do you not realise that being a parent is completely different to being a gp?

They don't owe you anything in the way of babysitting, sleepovers or holidays for your kids. They clearly aren't comfortable to do the same things as they feel they can do with your dd.

I don't know why you posted really because you haven't taken on board any of the responses. You seem determined to just punish your dd by depriving her of things she'll enjoy. You also seem obsessed with the gps only doing things which take your ds off your hands - ie: baby sitting, sleepovers, taking him on holiday.

Why not encourage them to build a relationship with your ds doing activities they're comfortable with, with you around?

I don't think you should stop your DD from going/ spending time with grandparents. Doing otherwise just punishes her. I do however think you should work on encouraging, and enabling, the grandparents to also spend one on one time with DS. It's probably quite a lot to ask to have them together if they don't feel confident with it (assuming that's the issue).

Thats a hard one. I know it doesn't feel fair, but if your son has severe autism/ special needs, they're probably not going to cope very well with him.

One niece has special needs and I had to end babysitting for her, when she turned 6. Her behaviour was challenging. She was destructive, also aggressive towards my cat and younger children. My brother was annoyed, as I'd babysat his eldest for years. He was hurt and angry because he didn't get a break, and nobody else offered to have her. But I am only human and have my limits. If I cannot cope with a person/situation then it's safer to say so.

I honestly think you should let your daughter go with her gparents, don't use her as a tool. Accept that gparents do love your son, but cannot come with his needs. If you ever need a break from your son, consider using respite.

i have a relative who has an older brother with special needs and her whole life his needs came first. It even affected her parents attendance at her wedding as she had a dream of getting married abroad and they had trouble getting respite for him.

I think you are very mean to suggest that she and they should miss out.

Have they ever had the 2 children together? Overnight?

@jamoncrumpets no need to be so rude, there's no excuse

People are asking questions that's all

You're bringing a lot of bias into this situation then aren't you?

Taking your daughter will give you and your partner some really good time to focus exclusively on your son while your daughter gets time in a different environment too.

I know it is hard and yes, it is them saying we can't cope with your son and that hurts (both my children have autism and family involvement has been next to zero for a variety of reasons) but you can make something positive and helpful to both your children out of it.

I think you are just looking for an argument now op

So it's my job to make them give more of a shit about DS? This thread is on glue.

Can your son stay with grandparents for a couple of hours just so they build a relationship with him on his own ie go to the park ,feed the ducks,have a picnic and get to know his ways it is hard for some people to cope with children with additional needs if they have no experience.I have 2 grandsons who both have autism,Adhd and learning disabilities but I have previous experience through my career so Obviously I can cope ,we take them n holiday,stay with us.but have done this since birth.They love going out with us.Your daughter should stay alone to also have fun.

I know it's not quite the same but my DB had chronic asthma when he was a child and sometimes there'd be certain places (very dusty, with dogs/cats) that he couldn't go to as a child - as he'd have an asthma attack and he almost died twice from this as a child. I'm sure one/both sets of grandparents avoided having him stay much because they were worried (and my DM made this clear too) what would happen/what would they do if he had an asthma attack.

I agree with you though, both sides of the family should offer to take your DS out - whether this is separate to your DD so they can cope better or whether this is with you/your DP so they know how to cope with him with either of you there, this should be done. It sounds to me as either they can't be bothered, or are nervous/scared of getting it wrong/upsetting him or think he's too much hard work - so yes, they're not really trying.

You should sit down with them (if I were you) and voice your thoughts. Then, if say a day out with him alone goes well then you can add your DD to be looked after/taken out too. This is what I'd do anyway.

But that's up to the parents to make that call. If the OP thinks he'd enjoy himself, then I'm guessing he would. Or are you suggesting she'd deliberately put him in a situation where he'd be miserable?