To say you take both or you don't get DD

[jamoncrumpets]

I have two children, DS is nearly eight, autistic and has additional needs. DD is four and neurotypical.

Neither side of the family has ever offered us practical support or help with DS, never offered to babysit or take him out. The only help I received with him was a few hours while I had planned c section for DD and then my husband had to go home by teatime to put him to bed.

DD is growing and developing at the same rate as her peers, she's a very funny and outgoing little girl who makes us all laugh. We put a lot of effort into giving her our attention and support so that she doesn't feel resentful of time that we have to give to her brother, who she loves.

She is getting to the age now where both sets of grandparents are talking about having her go to their houses to stay, or taking her on holiday. But when they talk about this they only ever mention her. Never my son.

My heart says you don't get to pick and choose which of my kids you give this attention to. But I don't want to deny DD happy memories. AIBU?

I agree. You should only post here if you want honest answers. OP does not.

I suspect AIBU delivered precisely what the OP wanted

a chance for her to go off on one

Maybe AIBU wasnt the best place for this thread OP.

OP just wanted an echo chamber of posters totally agreeing with her! She should have posted in the SN section, where there a zillion threads about fathers or grandparents refusing to face up to the DC’s SN; or not wanting to be involved!

OP just wanted an echo chamber of posters totally agreeing with her!

She actually seems enraged that she didn't get posters saying her son is unworthy of attention because he's disabled. So much so that she pretended she HAD got those replies so she could go off on one.

OP has not responded to any suggestions about talking to the grandparents about how she is feeling, possibilities of ways of encouraging them to build a relationship with her son etc.
She seems to see it as a black and white decision between allowing them to spend time with the daughter and ignore the son versus cutting them off .
I do wonder if she hoped to get some justification and support for cutting out the grandparents .

Have you not read all her comments? They deliberately ignore the little boy. They ask to speak to the daughter on the phone but not the son. He's worthy of attention just as much. Just because he has a disability doesn't mean he's not going to notice. I would be completely cutting them off.

I honestly don’t understand how some people do not seem to have read her comments and are quick to judge her and attack her. Some not very nice people on this chat.
I agree with you @Somethingneedstochange

She didn’t actually “go off on one” she has tried again and again to explain the situation.

But all that stuff came out later. I’ve suggested op starts another thread detailing the situation/issues clearly but if you look at the actual aibu it does not present the situation as it is. The original op is ‘aibu to say they must take my autistic son (who has complex needs and is very attached to me) for babysitting and sole care or they can’t have my other child.’ People are responding to that and then all the other stuff was dripped out randomly. If op started a new thread that didn’t focus on babysitting and sole care originally then she’d get better answers on how to navigate the situation.

She was repeatedly trying to explain the circumstances. She's obviously going to be frustrated repeatedly having to explain the same thing. You don't even need to scroll through the whole post to read all her comments. Just click on see all on her post to see them all at once.

But then her post would be too long and most wouldn't bother to read all of it anyway. I often skim over post's myself.

The post might be too long but it wouldn’t add too much to actually add relevant information such as that the grandparents ignore him/make cruel comments. The op only concerns itself with babysitting, and only when posters said it’s not unreasonable for grandparents to be unable to offer sole care of a child with complex needs did all the other stuff come out - so people are responding to the actual question asked. They’re saying yes it is unreasonable to refuse them sole care of dd because they can’t babysit for a child with complex needs. Whether it’s unreasonable to be annoyed that they’re unkind/don’t make an effort with ds is a different but still valid question. But in that case would you be so desperate for them to babysit for you anyway?