To say you take both or you don't get DD

[jamoncrumpets]

I have two children, DS is nearly eight, autistic and has additional needs. DD is four and neurotypical.

Neither side of the family has ever offered us practical support or help with DS, never offered to babysit or take him out. The only help I received with him was a few hours while I had planned c section for DD and then my husband had to go home by teatime to put him to bed.

DD is growing and developing at the same rate as her peers, she's a very funny and outgoing little girl who makes us all laugh. We put a lot of effort into giving her our attention and support so that she doesn't feel resentful of time that we have to give to her brother, who she loves.

She is getting to the age now where both sets of grandparents are talking about having her go to their houses to stay, or taking her on holiday. But when they talk about this they only ever mention her. Never my son.

My heart says you don't get to pick and choose which of my kids you give this attention to. But I don't want to deny DD happy memories. AIBU?

I don't think so. OP needs to accept, as hard as it is, that having one child with additional needs and the other NT, there will always be differences in what they can do, the opportunities they can reasonably have etc...

Saying 'no, DD can't do that because DS can't' is not fair when we are talking about two children with such vastly different needs (if they are vastly different, OP hasn't specified really).

But that doesn’t mean she won’t enjoy, or even benefit from, trips out with family without him.

I think it depends on their reasons tbh.

I have a niece and nephew who are a year apart in age. Nephew has a physical disability and is being investigated for autism. Niece is NT.

I love them both. I've taken niece for days out and have her regularly on her own. She loves being at my house, she enjoys the one on one time and it helps dsis out.

I very rarely see nephew without dsis - this is because he wouldn't be comfortable with just me for longer than an hour or 2.

I used to feel bad about this but in our case being fair to both means treating them differently - if I pushed to take nephew out the way I do with niece he would be so upset I think he's associate me with being scared and I would hate that.

It is so sad when families do this and it isn't fair. Would he be happy to go and stay with them if they would have him

I would let her go on trips with them- as it would be nice for her to have time with extended family, and as the sister to many siblings with additional needs and disabilities- I did really value the time where I got to do activities that would never be suitable for my siblings. Not because I didn't love them or love the things we did together or even that I wanted to be away from them. But my auntie took me to a model village and to a museum that my brothers would have broken and screamed through and it was so fun, I got to chat with her and to sit up at a table in a cafe and read the plaques and not be the family that everyone stared at for a day.

And even though it is sad that they are not offering him a similar experience, it does give you more individual time to do activities and have experiences with your son that he would enjoy, especially things that his sister might stop enjoying.

Have you asked the family to look after him? Do they engage with him when you see them as a family?

I think the issue here is the silence about the older DC. If they were open and fair and discussed the issues or looked for a compromise or solution or even said we'd love to look after him but can't cope, then it would be fine to discuss plans for the little one. But they haven't and I think that's rude and unfair.

Stuff being fair to them.

Plenty of other kids haven't had GP look after and them and we grew up with a severely ill older sibling, so I have some sympathy but they're not being fair or equitable. They don't get to make plans for your DC.

I'm with you, OP. 4 years is not much of an age difference. I would have been very upset to see a younger sibling being favoured in this way, especially if you already have a sense that you're different from other kids.

I think there is a compromise to be had here.

Allow your youngest the time with family, it will be a good opportunity for you to have 1:1 time with your eldest but in exchange make a time for either you or your husband to go with your eldest to do similar activities with family so that they also get that special time but one of you is on hand.

As sad as it is they may just not be coping with your eldest, you might find though that if one of you is on hand but also allow them to take the lead that they become more comfortable with looking after them and may come to see that they can do it.

I can imagine how heartbreaking this is but I do think a compromise would be something to look at. Be open with them about how you feel and offer positive solutions for them, hopefully it will work out well for everyone.

It all depends on how hard it is to look after him OP. It's not fair to deny your dd those experiences.

I don't really understand why close family don't help out, even if it's not full days. My family have helped me loads with my dd and I'm looking forward to doing the same with her children if she has any. Have you asked them to babysit, even in your home rather than their home before?

Stuff being fair to them

It's not so much about them it's about her daughter. She shouldn't miss out because family find it difficult to cope with her brother. It would be nice for her to have some time focused on her, as much as OP I'm sure does this too, I can imagine she does have some restrictions on this having a sibling with complex needs. It's okay to let her do normal things her brother may be unable to do / cope with.

That's for his needs. Completely different.

I now feel fortunate that my parents only have one GC, DD who is ND. She was hard to manage for a while but they did. Now I could hire them out as babysitters for DC with severe ADHD. They have skills.

Quoted the wrong post!

Two children with completely different needs are never going to have the exact same childhood. It's sad but it's also not DDs fault.

Even if they could cope with DS and made an effort to do that too, it would still be okay and probably very nice for DD to have time alone wit them as well.

I do kind of get this. My youngest son is being assessed for autism. He is not high needs but doesn't interact much and struggles to show affection or attachment. However with understanding, support and with adults getting down to his level rather than expect him to go to them he is a rewarding and happy child. The more you give him the more he will give you. However you get some who misunderstand him, my mil says 'sod you then' when he won't give her a hug and we have a few who will only invite his older brother and leave him out. It's tough but we do also have people who do make an effort to include him and also those who will step in for ds1 if ds2 is taking my time and attention. Recently we have my nephew's birthday party and we knew it was likely to be difficult for ds2 but he was still invited and enjoyed some party food at the side of the hall and enjoyed some colouring my sister has brought to him. My sister also gave me her keys when the party was too overwhelming to take him to hers while ds1 stayed with her and enjoyed the rest of the party. She didn't just not invite ds2. However it is tough to say no to invites for just ds1 when he would enjoy it so I don't really know what to suggest you do but I do get it when you see one invited but not the other.

Considering they could not even put him to bed when he was much younger, my guess is they don't feel capable to deal with him. Don't deny his little sister time with her grandparents. It is not done on a favoritism level but on what they are able for. Do you honestly think your son would cope if they took him on holidays? Would they be able to cope?

This is the case, they've never even tried. DS is a lot more work, but he is worthy of attention just as DD is.

It’s pretty pointless to be slating people when there’s no clues in tbr OP as to the extent of her DS’s needs.

that is absolutely critical to if there’s a nastiness or just a practicality about the situation

he is worthy of attention just as DD is

Of course he is OP.

I don't want to come across as harsh so I'm sorry if I do but you need to accept him being 'a lot more work' makes him harder to cope with than your DD. She shouldn't be penalised for that.

This OP.

I think it depends on the extent of your son's needs and behaviours. How much extra support does he need from people? How easy is it to do things like take him on holiday that everyone else can also enjoy?

Do you think he'd actually enjoy staying with family or having a holiday with them? Or would he hate the disruption to his routine, be overwhelmed by new experiences and have constant meltdowns? Does he need physical help with things? Does he do things like lashing out or refusing to move? Because that might be hard for grandparents to cope with physically, in an eight-year-old.

I think if they've seen him in distress or struggling with certain situations, and know how reliant he is on you and your partner for support, they may not want to risk him getting upset if you're not there or things aren't the way that he's comfortable with. Does he enjoy their company? Does he indicate that he has affection for them? Just trying to get a picture of what the relationship is like and what his needs are.

You don’t mention what your DS’ behaviours are like?

If he exhibits very challenging behaviours and has frequent meltdowns that limit what you can do as a family, poor DD will always be affected by this and you would be very unreasonable to deny her opportunities with other family members.

Your family members may also not have the skills or the ability to keep him safe if he’s a runner or a headbanger.

If none of this applies and DS is completely fine to be away from you, out of routine, can go to the zoo/seaside/shopping centre/whatever- and you suspect they are just being prejudiced, that’s completely different.

Most grandparents would switch it out so one day with child a one day with child b they both get attention from the grandparents and they both get attention from you

This is the case, they've never even tried. DS is a lot more work, but he is worthy of attention just as DD is.

Nobody is saying otherwise.

You say DS is autistic and also a lot more work - but you've not gone into any detail about his behaviour.

Are either set of parents even physically capable of looking after him alone? My parents are, on the outside, fit and healthy but they would both struggle with an 8yo who needed changing, for example, or comforting after a severe meltdown.

but you've not gone into any detail about his behaviour.

Yes it's really difficult to give proper answers without it.

It could be such a wide range of things that make it impossible to say whether they should be able to cope with him or not.

Some autistic DC wouldn't cope at all being away from their parents on holiday.

Then I would have a conversation with them about saying you want to treat them in an equitable way- and suggest ways of spending 1:1 time with DS in a way that is appropriate for him.

But I definitely wouldn’t let DD miss out on holidays and things that he wouldn’t be able to cope with not enjoy.

DD will always have less attention than him, it’s a fact of life. Her brother needs more from you. Let her get it from others.