To say you take both or you don't get DD

[jamoncrumpets]

I have two children, DS is nearly eight, autistic and has additional needs. DD is four and neurotypical.

Neither side of the family has ever offered us practical support or help with DS, never offered to babysit or take him out. The only help I received with him was a few hours while I had planned c section for DD and then my husband had to go home by teatime to put him to bed.

DD is growing and developing at the same rate as her peers, she's a very funny and outgoing little girl who makes us all laugh. We put a lot of effort into giving her our attention and support so that she doesn't feel resentful of time that we have to give to her brother, who she loves.

She is getting to the age now where both sets of grandparents are talking about having her go to their houses to stay, or taking her on holiday. But when they talk about this they only ever mention her. Never my son.

My heart says you don't get to pick and choose which of my kids you give this attention to. But I don't want to deny DD happy memories. AIBU?

No I'm not. You want them to take sole care of him.
That may not be something they feel up to.

And that's understandable. My Dad did not take DD for a long time as she had much higher needs than my DS.

You can still create a wonderful relationship between them with you being there. What you want you may not get.

I think YABU. Your DS has additional needs, and your parents and parents-in-law evidently don't feel equipped to look after him. You would not be unreasonable to ask them openly whether they are only inviting your DD, and why, and discuss whether they would be able to care for your DS or not. But there will be things your DD gets to do that your DS doesn't get to do, and I would not start holding her back to try and keep things equal.

I wouldn't leave it unspoken, because it may be that they genuinely couldn't take your DS, or it may be that they could but are unsure and hesitant to bite off more than they can chew.

He can get very anxious and upset in new or busy situations

So how would he cope if he was brought on holidays without you.....would HE cope, leave the grandparents out of it for now but would your son cope if he was taken out without you?

OP - don't let your resentment of the GPs, no matter how deserved, limit your DD's opportunities.

The way I see it, you get out of it what you put in. If you put nothing at all in with my son, what do you get back from him? Nothing.

So then I am asked if DD can go to caravan in x for x number of days next year with grandparents I'm going off their prior record with DS arent I? Because it's all I have to go on.

@jamoncrumpets the fact that you won't specify the extent of your DS's needs suggests they are significant. Your parents are well within their rights to decide that they can't manage him without you there, and it would be very cruel to deprive your daughter of time with them just to make it "fair". As the sibling of a child with SEN she'll miss out on enough as it is.

None of that is my son's fault. I'm sure they could figure out nice things to do with him that wouldn't upset him. If they tried.

RTWT

Often a child with special needs can't cope with being away from what he's familiar with. It wouldn't be kind to expect him to go and stay with grandparents. The dgps don't sound as though they feel confident anyway. Out of interest, my autistic dgs loves to come and stay with me but his younger neurotypical sister never has done.

The issue really isn't so much that they want to spend quality time with your daughter, that's lovely and should be encouraged...it's that they won't spend any time with your son without you there.

I'd be putting my foot down too. Your son deserves quality time and lovely memories too. From your description, he has extra needs but wouldn't be considered unmanageable.

They don't have to take both children together, but both children should have equal affection and time with family members or not at all.

My nephew has extra needs, I will admit I take him places without his brothers because it's easier for me and vice versa...but I still take him and he knows the difference between family/friends that just turn up for a cuppa and those that engage with him and try to make his life as fun as his brothers.

I think it's wrong to expect them to take both together, but if they were going to take one one time & one another that would be a different thing.

Would your daughter be missing out by not having one on one time with GPs who haven't made an effort with her brother?

YABU. Let your daughter have these lovely times with grandparents. If your son can be difficult to handle it may be too much for them and for him.

Perhaps grandparents feel unable to cope with DS’s additional needs. I don’t think it’s fair to deprive DD of opportunities because her brother can’t be accommodated.

I am talking about the welfare of your son NOT the grandparents. He has never been without you, surely if they took him it would be very distressing for him?

I’m a bit torn on this. My parents will often look after my niece who is 4 but not my nephew who is 1, because he is a lot more work and they can’t manage it. It’s not because he is any less worthy of their care or attention or because anyone thinks that, but because they know their limitations. I can see why this is a more sensitive situation, but from your DD’s point of view it seems unfair for her to miss out on this contact (if she wants it) through no fault of her own.

I read your your latest update OP.

I agree with you.

what message will it send to your DD as she grows up? That her brother isn’t acceptable?

I grew up with a sister with additional needs. Yes she was harder work but other family members could have learned how to support her, she wasn’t THAT hard. Instead, I grew up feeling like she was the dirty secret and I was the “perfect” one and I felt guilt about that. It didn’t have to be that way:

I’d be distancing myself from the whole lot of them if I were you though OP. How dare they act like your DS is lesser and only show an interest in being grandparents when they have a cute NT little grandparent. They have done nothing to support you or to build a relationship with your DS and I don’t think they deserve relationships with any of you.

Horrified by all the posters justifying this behaviour 😞

*grandaughter

Ableism is at the heart of it all really. Though people never like to admit they are ableist, because that would make them awful, right?

I'm assuming that since DS is autistic, DD plays the role of the 'big sibling' and has to be another carer. A little break for DD may be good for her to allow her some time to play and relax like older children her age

*other not older, stupid autocorrect

I agree with this.

My cousin had additional needs and her younger brother got less attention.

Of course it is unfair on your son but you don't punish your daughter

I think not supporting your DDs relationship with her grandparents is backfire in the long term.

You might feel hurt but you can also look at it as a way of your DD having the opportunity to be the sole focus of attention. However cruel it sounds, going on a holiday with a neuro typical child and neuro diverse child significantly changes the dynamic.

Very often neuro diverse kids won’t enjoy the same activities.

you really should look at it from your Dds point of view.

You're angry at the grandparents for treating your children differently, that's clear. But it's not really fair to deprive your DD of experiences with her grandparents just because her brother isn't given the same opportunities. It isn't her fault. These scenarios come up a lot throughout childhood.

Have you tried actually talking to them to find out if there is anything that would help them be more comfortable with taking care of your son's needs alone? Not everyone is familiar with autism or has the confidence to deal with additional needs.

YANBU - they should be equally willing to build a relationship with you son even if the nature of his disability means they are not able to manage overnights. I think you and your dh need to sit ghem down and address this.

MN is always so quick to remind us all that it's not our parents/grandparents/aunties/friends responsibility to entertain or care for our children. And it isn't. BUT what happened to 'it takes a village to raise a child'? What happened to family helping each other out?

I am the first to tell someone they are BU when they expect elderly grandparents to commit to free childcare, but I am really saddened by the way families shrink into basically 'just mum' or possibly 'just mum and dad' the minute things are less than straightforward.

My children were both neurotypical, but I KNOW that my (mediterranean if it makes a difference) family would have made the effort to find ways and activities that they could cope with every now and then - not just to give me a break but to get to know - and enjoy - their grandson.

So bucking the trend OP. YANBU