Page 23 | To say you take both or you don't get DD

jamoncrumpets · 2022-07-07T13:43:24+00:00

I have two children, DS is nearly eight, autistic and has additional needs. DD is four and neurotypical. Neither side of the family has ever offered us practical support or help with DS, never offered to babysit or take him out. The only help I received with him was a few hours while I had planned c section for DD and then my husband had to go home by teatime to put him to bed. DD is growing and developing at the same rate as her peers, she's a very funny and outgoing little girl who makes us all laugh. We put a lot of effort into giving her our attention and support so that she doesn't feel resentful of time that we have to give to her brother, who she loves. She is getting to the age now where both sets of grandparents are talking about having her go to their houses to stay, or taking her on holiday. But when they talk about this they only ever mention her. Never my son. My heart says you don't get to pick and choose which of my kids you give this attention to. But I don't want to deny DD happy memories. AIBU?

Bertieboo82 · 10/07/2022 10:19

jamoncrumpets · 10/07/2022 09:52

Every single person on here is dishonest @georgarina - because we all withhold certain things about our lives. If you want complete truth I suggest Internet forums are not the place for you.

But on earth is the point of starting a thread if you’re not going to be truthful?

Bertieboo82 · 10/07/2022 10:23

the grandparents see both children “every few months”

how many times have the grandparents offered to have DD in the past?

georgarina · 10/07/2022 10:26

You're not engaging constructively with the points people are raising @jamoncrumpets , you're just blatantly contradicting yourself and trying to win an argument like a child.

You still haven't answered the question of whether your son - who has meltdowns if you're not around - would actually ENJOY a holiday away with the grandparents.

I'm done with this thread. Hopefully it all works out for your kids.

Littleraindrop15 · 10/07/2022 10:31

OP what's your relationship like with the parents.

maybe you need to sit both sets down and sort of speak to them about how your feeling in terms of them not bothering to even try to form a bond.
I would try for the sake of ds to see if they are on board ways where they would spend time with him whilst your there to nurture a bond between them. maybe even if its inviting them for tea at yours and your dp take you dd out ao they can focus there attention on ds.

I think you need to sit them down and have an honest conversation because I don't think it's just about them taking dd out its the bond they've decided to nurture with her but not with ds and I don't think you would mind if they took dd out if they gave a shit about ds a tiny fraction ...

like I said the only way something can come off this is by having a serious chat. Nothing argumentative obviously but you will have to keep your cool as it sounds like they aren't the best at being understanding.

hope this helps x

Bertieboo82 · 10/07/2022 10:40

Littleraindrop15 · 10/07/2022 10:31

OP what's your relationship like with the parents.

maybe you need to sit both sets down and sort of speak to them about how your feeling in terms of them not bothering to even try to form a bond.
I would try for the sake of ds to see if they are on board ways where they would spend time with him whilst your there to nurture a bond between them. maybe even if its inviting them for tea at yours and your dp take you dd out ao they can focus there attention on ds.

I think you need to sit them down and have an honest conversation because I don't think it's just about them taking dd out its the bond they've decided to nurture with her but not with ds and I don't think you would mind if they took dd out if they gave a shit about ds a tiny fraction ...

like I said the only way something can come off this is by having a serious chat. Nothing argumentative obviously but you will have to keep your cool as it sounds like they aren't the best at being understanding.

hope this helps x

This has been asked and suggested multiple times

op doesn’t answer

alphapie · 10/07/2022 11:07

jamoncrumpets · 10/07/2022 09:38

I'm not asking for 'high level care' @georgarina - people are just assuming that because the child is disabled (which is ableist). I'm not recruiting a carer. I just want to see some people take equal interest in my kids. Because if they don't BOTH kids will notice.

People aren't assuming that because they're ableist. They are assuming that based on the high levels of need you have posted about previously.

Why are you refusing to accept your son has high level needs, you are his full time carer for Christ's sake.

StationaryMagpie · 10/07/2022 11:22

jamoncrumpets · 10/07/2022 09:38

I'm not asking for 'high level care' @georgarina - people are just assuming that because the child is disabled (which is ableist). I'm not recruiting a carer. I just want to see some people take equal interest in my kids. Because if they don't BOTH kids will notice.

But you are, because thats what they will be if they have him in their sole care for any time.

If you're his full time carer, then the moment he's being looked after by someone else, on their own, then that is the role you are expecting them to take on.. why don't you understand that?

We're not ableist, we're being realists. As i said upthread, i'm in the same boat, disabled/autistic DS, NT DD, the ONLY reason i feel safe leaving DS in my moms care, or my brothers care, is because i have actively encouraged a relationship that faciliates them to learn how to handle and care for DS if he's in their sole care at any point... and we don't have organised respite care btw, so consider yourself lucky.. i HAVE to rely on family and the weekends he's at my ex husbands to get my respite.

Yes, some of it requires family wanting to know, but i've had experience with a relative that didn't want to know because they didnt believe in autism and thought he was just a 'bad' child, and with people who were hesitant because they were anxious of getting it right/feeling they wouldn't cope... and i only got there through talking about it with them.

If they're being ignorant/disablist, then absolutely, DD shouldn't be spending time with them, and yanbu to keep her from them.. BUT if this is because they dont know how to handle DS or don't feel up to having him full time because of his additional needs, then yabu to make dd miss out on a relationship with her grandparents, and you need to find other ways to include them in DS's life that aren't having him on their own full time.

Woolybear · 10/07/2022 12:23

Op has said they have never bothered to get to know her son from the beginning, if they had bothered to get to know him from the start they would probably have felt comfortable now to have him stay over with his sister or occasionally on his own.
She has tried numerous times to explain the situation on here and as far as I can see she gets attacked.
shame on the grandparents I say!!

Somethingneedstochange · 10/07/2022 13:10

I would be cutting them out of our lives. My mum used to have one at a time because that's all she could manage.
Both my 2 children and my brother's 2 are all on the spectrum. When the boys got older though she could no longer manage them.

My son decided to drop to the ground once on a traffic island crossing the road. So it was dangerous, she never had the strength to get him to stand back up. She had the girls on they're own or we would do days out together.

Totheweekend · 10/07/2022 13:20

This reply has been withdrawn

Message withdrawn as it quotes a deleted post.

Sirzy · 10/07/2022 13:38

I am DS full time carer. That means that anyone who I leave Ds in the care of for that time becomes his carer. They become the person responsible for meeting his needs and knowing how to deal with things.

I think your lack of willingness to accept that as a fact is always going to be a stumbling block.

Coopobsessed · 10/07/2022 16:16

I am a single mom who has 3 adult children. I met a man 2 monthes ago who is everything I have been looking for in a partner. Not only is he a caring and loving man, he is also a great father to a 5 year old autistic girl. He has her every other week. I tried to be open and accepting but this little girl has been so coddled bc of her disability that she throws numerous tantrums throughout the day if she does not get her way. She will say "I win" after she gets what she wants. She also pees and poops herself at least once a day where her father cleans it and her up immediately with the excuse that its a sensory issue due to her autism. I avoid having to be around her the last couple of weeks she has been with him because it makes me uncomfortable. Last time she was at my house she broke some of my things in a raging fit. I try to offer advice but he gets defensive so I have completely backed away when she is with him. Our relationship is great when she is not around. We are falling in love. However, we have not been together that long so I do not feel that I need to step up to any parenting role even though he has asked me to come to her therapy meetings with him so i can understand her situation better. Am I an AH for thinking it is not my responsibility to attend these meetings or even want her in my house when she has destroyed my things? I feel pressured from him to act like a step parent. What should I do?

Sirzy · 10/07/2022 16:18

Coopobsessed I hope he sees sense and walks away from you soon. The ignorance in your post is astounding.

Porcupineintherough · 10/07/2022 16:26

@Coopobsessed you should end the relationship because you can't cope with his dd obviously. Otherwise you'll just end up resenting her, and resenting him when your duff advice doesn't miraculously "fix" her.

Bertieboo82 · 10/07/2022 16:28

@Coopobsessed

2 months ago and you’ve already introduced children

seriously

Woolybear · 10/07/2022 17:22

Sirzy · 10/07/2022 16:18

Coopobsessed I hope he sees sense and walks away from you soon. The ignorance in your post is astounding.

Hear hear 👏🏼
he and she deserve better

TrashPandas · 10/07/2022 17:38

jamoncrumpets · 10/07/2022 09:20

Really? Because someone just replied 'I could understand if his autism is severe' which is saying 'If he's too disabled, instead of just a bit disabled, it's fine to leave him out'. Which is ableist. Even if meant kindly or supportively. I am not a troll for pointing that out.

Show quote history

Again, you're desperate to make out you're getting lots of "ableist" replies when you aren't. It's very hard to see what your motivation could be apart from whipping up froth.

JustLyra · 10/07/2022 18:10

Coopobsessed · 10/07/2022 16:16

I am a single mom who has 3 adult children. I met a man 2 monthes ago who is everything I have been looking for in a partner. Not only is he a caring and loving man, he is also a great father to a 5 year old autistic girl. He has her every other week. I tried to be open and accepting but this little girl has been so coddled bc of her disability that she throws numerous tantrums throughout the day if she does not get her way. She will say "I win" after she gets what she wants. She also pees and poops herself at least once a day where her father cleans it and her up immediately with the excuse that its a sensory issue due to her autism. I avoid having to be around her the last couple of weeks she has been with him because it makes me uncomfortable. Last time she was at my house she broke some of my things in a raging fit. I try to offer advice but he gets defensive so I have completely backed away when she is with him. Our relationship is great when she is not around. We are falling in love. However, we have not been together that long so I do not feel that I need to step up to any parenting role even though he has asked me to come to her therapy meetings with him so i can understand her situation better. Am I an AH for thinking it is not my responsibility to attend these meetings or even want her in my house when she has destroyed my things? I feel pressured from him to act like a step parent. What should I do?

Firstly you need to start your own thread - not hijack the OP’s

secondly you need to walk away from this man and his child. You are not cut out to be around his child when you think it’s ok to try and “offer advice” when you point blank refuse to attend the meetings he invited you to to understand her situation better.

TwentyOneTwentyTwo · 10/07/2022 18:20

Coopobsessed · 10/07/2022 16:16

I am a single mom who has 3 adult children. I met a man 2 monthes ago who is everything I have been looking for in a partner. Not only is he a caring and loving man, he is also a great father to a 5 year old autistic girl. He has her every other week. I tried to be open and accepting but this little girl has been so coddled bc of her disability that she throws numerous tantrums throughout the day if she does not get her way. She will say "I win" after she gets what she wants. She also pees and poops herself at least once a day where her father cleans it and her up immediately with the excuse that its a sensory issue due to her autism. I avoid having to be around her the last couple of weeks she has been with him because it makes me uncomfortable. Last time she was at my house she broke some of my things in a raging fit. I try to offer advice but he gets defensive so I have completely backed away when she is with him. Our relationship is great when she is not around. We are falling in love. However, we have not been together that long so I do not feel that I need to step up to any parenting role even though he has asked me to come to her therapy meetings with him so i can understand her situation better. Am I an AH for thinking it is not my responsibility to attend these meetings or even want her in my house when she has destroyed my things? I feel pressured from him to act like a step parent. What should I do?

OP the ableist you were looking for is here 👍

unicormb · 10/07/2022 18:49

Coopobsessed · 10/07/2022 16:16

I am a single mom who has 3 adult children. I met a man 2 monthes ago who is everything I have been looking for in a partner. Not only is he a caring and loving man, he is also a great father to a 5 year old autistic girl. He has her every other week. I tried to be open and accepting but this little girl has been so coddled bc of her disability that she throws numerous tantrums throughout the day if she does not get her way. She will say "I win" after she gets what she wants. She also pees and poops herself at least once a day where her father cleans it and her up immediately with the excuse that its a sensory issue due to her autism. I avoid having to be around her the last couple of weeks she has been with him because it makes me uncomfortable. Last time she was at my house she broke some of my things in a raging fit. I try to offer advice but he gets defensive so I have completely backed away when she is with him. Our relationship is great when she is not around. We are falling in love. However, we have not been together that long so I do not feel that I need to step up to any parenting role even though he has asked me to come to her therapy meetings with him so i can understand her situation better. Am I an AH for thinking it is not my responsibility to attend these meetings or even want her in my house when she has destroyed my things? I feel pressured from him to act like a step parent. What should I do?

This just makes me want to find this kid and buy her the biggest ice cream ever.

Isaidnoalready · 10/07/2022 18:53

Coopobsessed · 10/07/2022 16:16

I am a single mom who has 3 adult children. I met a man 2 monthes ago who is everything I have been looking for in a partner. Not only is he a caring and loving man, he is also a great father to a 5 year old autistic girl. He has her every other week. I tried to be open and accepting but this little girl has been so coddled bc of her disability that she throws numerous tantrums throughout the day if she does not get her way. She will say "I win" after she gets what she wants. She also pees and poops herself at least once a day where her father cleans it and her up immediately with the excuse that its a sensory issue due to her autism. I avoid having to be around her the last couple of weeks she has been with him because it makes me uncomfortable. Last time she was at my house she broke some of my things in a raging fit. I try to offer advice but he gets defensive so I have completely backed away when she is with him. Our relationship is great when she is not around. We are falling in love. However, we have not been together that long so I do not feel that I need to step up to any parenting role even though he has asked me to come to her therapy meetings with him so i can understand her situation better. Am I an AH for thinking it is not my responsibility to attend these meetings or even want her in my house when she has destroyed my things? I feel pressured from him to act like a step parent. What should I do?

Yes you are

This isn't reddit

You should split your incompatible

Coyoacan · 10/07/2022 19:30

@Coopobsessed How on earth can you think it is ok to be in a relationship with someone whose child you so clearly dislike?

Kanaloa · 10/07/2022 19:53

Coyoacan · 10/07/2022 19:30

@Coopobsessed How on earth can you think it is ok to be in a relationship with someone whose child you so clearly dislike?

Outside of that it seems a bit odd to me that after 8 weeks together you’re being invited to this child’s therapy meetings! How can you be in love with someone after two months and why is he ‘pressuring you to act like a step parent?’ I still call a jumper my ‘new jumper’ if it’s two months old!

anonacfr · 10/07/2022 20:30

OP my middle child is what would be described as 'severely autistic'.
None of our parents or siblings have ever tried, let alone offered to look after him at all.
At best they might sit near him while I prepare meals etc.
Last time my husband and I have gone away together was 12 years ago, before his behaviour became too 'difficult'.
We are now resigned to the fact that his sisters will have a relationship with their grandparents and he will be left behind.

It's shit, really.

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 10/07/2022 22:51

Maybe AIBU wasnt the best place for this thread OP.