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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my partner to learn how to drive

232 replies

EllieRosesMammy · 07/07/2022 08:04

Just that really. We have two children, another on the way. I drive, my partner doesn't. Meaning that to go anywhere everyone relies on me. I want my partner to be able to drive too so we could split the driving, especially when we go on days out because its exhausting.

He keeps saying he will learn to drive but it never happens. I've got a feeling he's really nervous about it (gave him a go of driving my car round a carpark and dear god it was awful). But everyone learning to drive is nervous surely! If he didn't spend his teen years wasting his money then maybe he would of learned to drive at 17 like the rest of us 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
stuntbubbles · 07/07/2022 08:07

YANBU but what are you going to do about it?

Original poster
EllieRosesMammy · 07/07/2022 08:08

stuntbubbles · 07/07/2022 08:07

YANBU but what are you going to do about it?

That's just the thing, everytime I mention it its "yeah I'm going to contact a driving instructor soon"... Soon just never seems to come. Unless I hold a gun to his head and stick him behind the wheel I'm not sure what to do 😂

OP posts:
Testina · 07/07/2022 08:08

How is it “exhausting” for you to drive on days out?! That’s ridiculous.
I’ve been a sole driver because of being single, a friend is because her husband has epilepsy and another friend is for long periods when army husband is deployed.
None of us are exhausted. That’s a bit precious 🤣

If he doesn’t share the load in other ways then sure YANBU to want him to step up here. But I don’t see why you driving is a big deal.

TibetanTerrah · 07/07/2022 08:09

I don't drive. Circumstances, including money and living in cities meant it never happened.

If I was planning kids though this would be priority. There's no excuse, even if he's scared. I have ptsd from being in a car wreck but still managed some lessons (before covid happened), you just have to choose the right instructor.

YDBear · 07/07/2022 08:10

It’s a basic life skill. He should be ashamed of himself.

MaxOverTheMoon · 07/07/2022 08:11

I wouldn't date, let alone have dc with someone who couldn't drive unless they were very rich and paid for a chauffeur to make up for it. Biggest ick ever.

TheDivineOddity · 07/07/2022 08:18

YANBU, ime necessity is the mother of invention - I was in your position in my 20s with ExDp throughout our nine year relationship.
Lo and behold a year or so after we split there he was with a full driving licence and his own car, clearly it was only when he lost his chauffeur that he decided to step up.
Assuming you don't want to split over this issue you need to bear in mind that whilst you readily drive him everywhere you are enabling his behaviour.

SunflowerGardens · 07/07/2022 08:19

Testina · 07/07/2022 08:08

How is it “exhausting” for you to drive on days out?! That’s ridiculous.
I’ve been a sole driver because of being single, a friend is because her husband has epilepsy and another friend is for long periods when army husband is deployed.
None of us are exhausted. That’s a bit precious 🤣

If he doesn’t share the load in other ways then sure YANBU to want him to step up here. But I don’t see why you driving is a big deal.

Still a pain in the arse though, OP presumably has all the school runs to do herself, all the medical appointments and so on. It's not just about driving it's about everything the kids go to that need them to be driven there.

YANBU op. Book him a driving lesson yourself and tell him - Monday at 7pm you have a lesson.

MichelleScarn · 07/07/2022 08:22

SunflowerGardens · 07/07/2022 08:19

Still a pain in the arse though, OP presumably has all the school runs to do herself, all the medical appointments and so on. It's not just about driving it's about everything the kids go to that need them to be driven there.

YANBU op. Book him a driving lesson yourself and tell him - Monday at 7pm you have a lesson.

Show quote history

Yes, and she'll always be the designated driver....
Oo Sunday lunch in a nice pub?... Will he happily have a pint every time?

PinkButtercups · 07/07/2022 08:24

I don't see it as a problem as long as they don't rely on you for a lift everywhere, not sure how you find driving exhausting though.

Not everyone has parents or even a decent enough job to learn to drive at 17 though. I'd say a high percentage of those that learn at 17, pass their test get a car etc is all paid by the parents.

Wonderingmum77 · 07/07/2022 08:24

YANBU. So frustrating for you because I’m sure if he learnt to drive he’d absolutely that new sense of freedom.

not sure on your financial situation but could you buy a lesson or 2 “as a gift” just to get him doing it. Then if he doesn’t do it you can delve deeper as you’ve spent money on it for him and can question why without him feeling your nagging for no reason.

Testina · 07/07/2022 08:26

Not everybody’s lives revolve around alcohol 🤣 I can drive to the pub and still enjoy a nice Sunday lunch and trip out.

Original poster
EllieRosesMammy · 07/07/2022 08:27

SunflowerGardens · 07/07/2022 08:19

Still a pain in the arse though, OP presumably has all the school runs to do herself, all the medical appointments and so on. It's not just about driving it's about everything the kids go to that need them to be driven there.

YANBU op. Book him a driving lesson yourself and tell him - Monday at 7pm you have a lesson.

Show quote history

Exactly this!! School runs, trips, appointments, activity clubs, commuting 2 hours a day to work where I'm on my feet rushing about for 10 hours a day, also I'm 4 months pregnant, got a 4 year old and 9 month old and I suffer with iron deficiency anemia leaving me exhausted frequently.

OP posts:
Marvellousmadness · 07/07/2022 08:28

It is exhausting having to drive all the time?? Oh come on op. Now you are melodramatic.

But if you want him to drive and he says he wants to (but never actually books an instructor) just book one for him 😅

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 07/07/2022 08:29

I would hate it too. I don’t know that you can do much about it though other than tell him how much it bothers you. I might go as far as sending him details of some local instructors.

Justcallmebebes · 07/07/2022 08:29

I agree. I couldn't be with a man who didn't drive. It's a basic life skill and a big part of being an adult

VanCleefArpels · 07/07/2022 08:30

Can you throw some money at it - get him to do one of those intensive courses to get it over and done with quickly?

Teacupsandtoast · 07/07/2022 08:31

Mumsnet is full of us who learned in our 30s and dont know how we managed before. The freedom it'll give him, and him and his children, should be enough of a motivator. I'd gently be ribbing him about what he's going to do when the kids want to go to different clubs and cant because he can't drive, or when they are teenagers and they need lifts everywhere

Gogster · 07/07/2022 08:32

Whyyyyy are you having another child when you're clearly up to capacity!!

SuziSecondLaw · 07/07/2022 08:32

I'm late thirties and don't drive. I have had quite a lot of lessons but I don't think I'll ever be able to (I also can't swim or ride a bike etc.. I have massive problems with coordination etc).

But I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. My dp does all the driving, and whilst he says he doesn't mind, and never complains, I do think it's unfair and I wish I could drive, even if just occasionally!

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 07/07/2022 08:33

Ask him what he would do if you get put on bed rest or need a c section and can't drive for a while.

I learnt relatively late... but afterour first child was born it became pretty obvious it would be essential. (I had tried lessons twice before, just was seriously bad. I had no opportunity to learn at 17, nothing to do with wasting money... none of my friends learnt either, we lived in London and had cheap buses)

Aposterhasnoname · 07/07/2022 08:34

But him a course of driving lessons for his birthday/Christmas.

ItWillBeOkHonestly · 07/07/2022 08:34

Seeing as he's expressed an interest in wanting to do it, book him five lessons as a 'present' and then say, 'the instructor is coming to collect you next week for your first one'.

I didn't learn to drive until I was 30 mostly because I lived in a big city and public transport was great. But as soon as I moved for work, I knew I had no choice. It IS nerve wracking, especially as you get older because it's easier to overthink it (unlike when you're 17, I think!) but once he's got a couple of lessons under his belt, he'll be totally fine.

Testina · 07/07/2022 08:35

Gogster · 07/07/2022 08:32

Whyyyyy are you having another child when you're clearly up to capacity!!

I think when you have a 9 month old and are 4 months pregnant it’s unlikely to have been an active decision! 🙈

moonlight1705 · 07/07/2022 08:35

I bought my DH a taster lesson from a recommended instructor for his birthday (along with other things). He is going to be taking his test in August.