To want my partner to learn how to drive

[EllieRosesMammy]

Just that really. We have two children, another on the way. I drive, my partner doesn't. Meaning that to go anywhere everyone relies on me. I want my partner to be able to drive too so we could split the driving, especially when we go on days out because its exhausting.

He keeps saying he will learn to drive but it never happens. I've got a feeling he's really nervous about it (gave him a go of driving my car round a carpark and dear god it was awful). But everyone learning to drive is nervous surely! If he didn't spend his teen years wasting his money then maybe he would of learned to drive at 17 like the rest of us 🤦‍♀️

Is he independent or does he ask for lifts everywhere like another child

@EllieRosesMammy It's not about needing to be perfect to reject/criticise someone for not driving. It's about being turned off by the type of man who doesn't bother to gain a basic adult skill. It's the laziness and the pathetic excuses given to justify it. I find it a huge turn off.

Sorry OP but you did ask.....?

YANBU, and I don’t understand why so many posters are being so sneery. It’s just sharing the load isn’t it? I’m sure there are people who are the sole driver in their family who don’t find it a problem but it’s all about circumstances.

I passed my test in my teens then didn’t drive for nearly 15 years. Met my now DH in our early 20s. He had a car, I didn’t and he just became the sole driver. It happened by accident really, he likes driving and we never thought much of it.

But when our first child arrived it quickly became clear that me not driving was unsustainable for our family and really unfair on him. It meant he needed to do all hospital appointments, nursery runs, swimming lessons, etc. When we did any long journey he needed to do all the driving by himself. So I re-learnt to drive. Re-learning was quite difficult actually, for a number of reasons. But I’m so glad I did it.

I'm a full time chef, pregnant with my 3rd and I suffer with iron deficiency anemia. I live in a continual state of tired, unwell and stressed. If we followed your rules we would never go anywhere, and we would be paying out a fortune on public transport while my car just sits outside to rot.

YANBU. The situation was reversed for me as my partner drove and I didn’t. A little different, I was 22 and we didn’t and still do not have children (currently ttc after a loss in April)

I just felt unfair on my partner for constantly doing all the driving around and although I had anxiety driving I finally passed and have been driving 3 years now.

I genuinely do not know how I survived beforehand… We’re married now and live together and I couldn’t imagine not driving. Especially as we want children

You are definitely not unreasonable, and that’s coming from someone who was on the other side!

It's more annoying that we've built society around a car rather that building housing thats easy to walk around, cycle, take public transport.

Once again would love to know how I'm "up to capacity" just because my partner doesn't drive. Didn't realise you had to meet certain requirements to have more than 2 children.

My DH drives, but I do all school runs, doctor , hospital appointments and after school activities. He drives on holidays because I can’t drive his massive car.

If he really wanted to drive then he'd have made a start by now.
Maybe he's very nervous/fearful and doesn't feel he'd be a competent driver- and doesn't want to waste ££ on something he doesn't feel he will be good at- or able to achieve- in which case I'd not want him ferrying our children around anyway.
I'm not a confident driver (I am competent though) and feel nervous whenever my dc are in the car with me- which is rare- and by default on days out my partner is the one behind the wheel.

@EllieRosesMammy “I'm a full time chef, pregnant with my 3rd and I suffer with iron deficiency anemia. I live in a continual state of tired, unwell and stressed. If we followed your rules we would never go anywhere, and we would be paying out a fortune on public transport while my car just sits outside to rot.”

if this is true then absolutely you should not be driving- you have just admitted you are putting other lives at risk out of a selfish desire for your own convenience. I’m sure you’ll be back with another explanation of why it’s ok for you to drive while you are exhausted and unwell. I’m sure that will be a great comfort to you when you kill someone because you didn’t want to “let your car rot”.

No way would I ever be with someone who doesn’t or wouldn’t drive.

Every single day involves some sort of journey in the car relating to the kids’ schools and activities.

In fact, the schlepping back and forth to places is so burdensome, that we share it not just with each other, but with other local families.

I could not imagine being solely responsible for all the times the kids are unable to catch the bus to/from school because of extra things they have to take, or because of early starts for sports and other activities - AND all the extra-curricula stuff after school.

It would be completely unfair for one parent to totally opt out of this.

To anyone who doesn’t think this is a hassle, I can only imagine you live very, very quiet lives and don’t have children.

I bet if he asked you to do something that would benefit the family, even if it was initially difficult, you’d do it

I bet you could! If (God forbid) you were out for the day and he fell ill, you’d manage just fine. It’s just a bigger car

Don't be so melodramatic, I'm a highly competent driver, not had anything close to a crash in the 10 years I've been driving and I can guarentee I won't be anytime soon.

"selfish desire for your own convenience" I suppose its selfish to need to take my children to school, attend doctors apps, hospital apps and travel to work. A workplace that is an hour away by car and unfeasible to rely on public transport, mainly because THERE ISN'T ANY.

Not all of us work a desk job, some of us are exhausted on the daily and just carry on.

This. You can't make them do anything....you chose to be where you are. What you can do is choose when and where you will drive and when and where you won't.

"I just think driving offers a sense of freedom and independence everyone should be able to enjoy :)"

but @EllieRosesMammy , it doesn't offer that to everybody...you might say the same about swimming, cycling, dancing, playing an instrument....all of which I heartily dislike. I have a friend who has driven all their life...drives abroad, drives distances, very confident and so on but who hates it and is planning to give it up once their parents are no longer alive and they can move to somewhere where they can walk or use public transport.

Given how nervous he is, and given the fact that all new cars will be automatic in a few years, I would get him some lessons with an automatic driving instructor for his birthday.

Even if you only have one car, you should easily be able to drive an auto and it might make him more able and willling to drive.

You can't force someone to learn how to drive just to make your life easier. Driving is stressful, expensive, bad for your health and the environment. Fewer people should drive not more. People can walk, get taxis, public transport etc (unless a medical reason obviously). People survived before cars you know!

OP, book him a driving lesson.

I learned to drive well after the age of 17. I was desperately nervous getting started with it, your DH will need some kind of push. In my case it was getting a really good job in a place with poor transport links and then realising that it would be nearly impossible to have DC and live in that area if I couldn't drive.

If he can't pass the test, then that's one thing, but if there are no medical conditions and you can afford the lessons, I don't think he should opt out of even trying.

Oh and whatever you do, don't try teach him yourself to save money. Just don't.

I agree OP, it’s very frustrating at times.

I’ve been with DH over 20 years and do all the driving. He did learn to drive and passed his test but was never confident and the very occasional time I’ve sat with him has terrified me. He reversed into a ditch last time and that was about 7 years ago.

Last year I bought a new car and although he’s on the insurance, it’s for dire emergencies only. It is a pain to be the sole driver because we live very rurally, no near neighbours, just fields and about 6 miles to the nearest town down windy narrow roads so not safe for cycling either. There are no rural bus services (or taxis) where we live. You have to get to the town first to catch one.

When I went into hospital for an operation a few years ago, two of my lovely friends rallied round to drive me there and bring me home. Journey of about 100mins each way.

DS is a teen and needs ferrying everywhere. He is dyspraxic and can’t ride a bike either like his pals do, so I’m wondering if DH also has some degree of dyspraxia? I think that would explain his difficulties.

Luckily, DS catches the school bus to school so that’s been a huge bonus to me, although quite expensive.

You are being unreasonable for saying ‘the rest of us’ learn to drive at 17. Lots of people can’t afford lessons then, not everyone’s parents pay! Lots of 25 year olds can’t afford it…

You’re not unreasonable to want him to learn if the delay is just due to procrastination. Ask him to get cracking and book an initial course of lessons. He’s probably worried he will be shit but its like anything practice makes perfect.

It's about being turned off by the type of man who doesn't bother to gain a basic adult skill. It's the laziness and the pathetic excuses given to justify it. I find it a huge turn off.

This for me too.

My mum didn't pay, I paid for my own lessons with my wages.

He also had a job from age 16, he wasted his wages on drugs and drink. He easily could of afforded lessons, he made a choice not to, he admits this himself.

I don't understand the backlash OP has faced here. I'm also the sole driver for my family and it is exhausting being the one who has to ferry people on every day out, to be responsible for mapping every trip, to be automatically volunteered to do all the appointments, the quick trips to the shops, and so on, and it does take the fun out of things. Driving can be really tiring considering the amount of focus it takes and I don't think you're being unreasonable for wanting your partner to learn to drive so he can share the load.

Driving anxiety is very real and definitely something I struggled with for the first few years but it's his responsibility to try and overcome this and to acknowledge the impact that being the sole driver has on you.

I wouldn't force him to be honest.

Has he given a reason?

@ThePumpkinPatch are you alright love? 😂