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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my partner to learn how to drive

232 replies

EllieRosesMammy · 07/07/2022 08:04

Just that really. We have two children, another on the way. I drive, my partner doesn't. Meaning that to go anywhere everyone relies on me. I want my partner to be able to drive too so we could split the driving, especially when we go on days out because its exhausting.

He keeps saying he will learn to drive but it never happens. I've got a feeling he's really nervous about it (gave him a go of driving my car round a carpark and dear god it was awful). But everyone learning to drive is nervous surely! If he didn't spend his teen years wasting his money then maybe he would of learned to drive at 17 like the rest of us 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
fUNNYfACE36 · 07/07/2022 10:26

It isn't very manly for a bloke not to drive.a real turn off

BellePeppa · 07/07/2022 10:27

MissStarry · 07/07/2022 09:52

Yanbu. I agree with pp that I wouldn’t even start a relationship with a man who doesn’t drive - my (adult) brother also hasn’t and it’s debilitating for him and frustrating for everyone else with needing lifts/public transport times etc - there’s just no way I’d welcome this unnecessary complication into my life from a partner (live rurally so the impact is very pronounced but generally agree it’s just very unattractive if the choice was to not bother learning in the first place).

Is it unattractive if a woman doesn’t drive either? There are a multitude of reasons why people don’t drive - not everyone should be on the road! I had a licence (now expired) but don’t drive because of anxiety and panic attacks - it makes me a menace on the road.

ArcticSkewer · 07/07/2022 10:27

There you go, op, he has loads of good points, so when you are exhausted with all the driving, you can remember he does 50:50 but in other ways.

For me, it's just unattractive. So it wouldn't matter about the rest as that in itself would be an absolutely huge turn-off. And I'm not interested in relationships with men I can't fancy.

You're not like that, so I now don't see the problem? He's pulling his weight more than you in other areas, so it balances out?

MintyGreenDreams · 07/07/2022 10:31

Everyone's nervous when they first get behind the wheel he'll gain confidence the more he does it

wallpoppy · 07/07/2022 10:31

You all do make me laugh. My partner doesn’t drive - originally because of suspected epilepsy but he’s been clear of that for 20+ years now so could learn if he wanted to but I honestly don’t care either way. He is perfectly capable of getting himself and our children where they need to be by foot, bus, train, or taxi and he has always done more than his fair share of everything so the few times that his non driving had been inconvenient for me is more than made up for by everything else he does to make our lives easier.

There is literally no distance on this tiny island that is “too tiring” to drive in one go unless you’re literally driving from tip of Cornwall up to the Shetland islands or something. Seriously though If a 4-5 hour drive is too much for you, you should probably look into it- do you have eye issues? Are you a terrible driver constantly terrified? Or just a bit of a drama queen?

Also if your reason for wanting your partner to drive is because he gets to drink and you don’t I would suggest you both have alcohol problems.

BellePeppa · 07/07/2022 10:31

Frazzledmummy123 · 07/07/2022 10:19

Yet on Mumsnet if a man was forcing a woman to do something she didn't want to do there would be outrage! It is controlling, coercion, etc. Yet if a man doesn't want to drive she is told to make him do it... 😐

Show quote history

Some people on this thread sound really quite horrible. Who would have thought not driving was akin to being useless, less than attractive and not worthy of love.

3amAndImStillAwake · 07/07/2022 10:32

YANBU. DH can't drive due to a medical condition that disqualifies him, and it is a bit annoying to always have to drive, and as children get older, I'll always be the one driving them to things. I'd be really annoyed if my partner was deliberately making all that my job, just through not bothering to learn.

2muchtimeonline · 07/07/2022 10:33

I hear you. Partner of non driver here. It just gets worse as the kids get older, you’ll spend all night and every weekend on the road going to hobbies and you’ll never get a break. Please do try and persuade him. You’ll get people here saying they walk everywhere or their kids only do hobbies in the community centre next door and that maybe the case for them. But in my lived experience parenting requires a lot of driving. My OH is also too nervous but I often wonder if I was gone, if he’d get over it.

ThePumpkinPatch · 07/07/2022 10:34

Testina · 07/07/2022 08:08

How is it “exhausting” for you to drive on days out?! That’s ridiculous.
I’ve been a sole driver because of being single, a friend is because her husband has epilepsy and another friend is for long periods when army husband is deployed.
None of us are exhausted. That’s a bit precious 🤣

If he doesn’t share the load in other ways then sure YANBU to want him to step up here. But I don’t see why you driving is a big deal.

Don't be so nasty. Can you not fathom how it might be exhausting to have a long, tiring day out and have to drive home when you could otherwise share the drive? We often go places over 1-2 hours awayHmm

riesenrad · 07/07/2022 10:35

not sure how you find driving exhausting though

Because it is exhausting! There is a reason why you are meant to take a break every two hours when driving, but it seems to be a badge of honour on MN to go on about how you can drive for hours and then laugh at people like me who think it's unsafe and stupid. It's much safer to share the driving, the OP is right, her partner should learn to drive.

Philisophigal · 07/07/2022 10:35

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

ThePumpkinPatch · 07/07/2022 10:35

YDBear · 07/07/2022 08:10

It’s a basic life skill. He should be ashamed of himself.

THIS

ThePumpkinPatch · 07/07/2022 10:36

Gogster · 07/07/2022 08:32

Whyyyyy are you having another child when you're clearly up to capacity!!

Also this

riesenrad · 07/07/2022 10:37

Seriously though If a 4-5 hour drive is too much for you, you should probably look into it- do you have eye issues? Are you a terrible driver constantly terrified? Or just a bit of a drama queen

No, I shouldn't look into it. My eyes are fine. Perhaps there would be fewer accidents if people didn't drive stupidly long distances when tired! For goodness sake. Have you never seen the signs on the motorways saying "tiredness kills, take a break?" Or do those not apply to you because you are superwoman?

ThePumpkinPatch · 07/07/2022 10:38

Beefcurtains79 · 07/07/2022 08:42

Only on mumsnet should people be ‘ashamed’ not to drive!
I’ve always lived in cities and I don’t, It’s unnecessary and shit for the planet.

Grow up and stop making excuses!

Fayekrista · 07/07/2022 10:39

YDBear · 07/07/2022 08:10

It’s a basic life skill. He should be ashamed of himself.

I don't drive, I have 2 children.
I get by with online shopping, going when family members are going to the supermarket, public transport & mostly using my bloody legs!
I 'could' just about afford to learn & to run a car.... however the children would get no birthday/christmas presents, there would be no family days out or monthly treats.
Absolutely ashamed of myself!!!

ThePumpkinPatch · 07/07/2022 10:41

nettytree · 07/07/2022 09:15

My husband doesn’t drive due to his poor eyesight. Does it bother me, no. I love driving. Can’t believe some of you wouldnt even date someone who can’t drive.

Well that's not an acceptable excuse when there's types of glasses for everyone who isn't completely blind

2muchtimeonline · 07/07/2022 10:42

oh and although I actually love driving, it is tiring having to do it all the time, no matter how busy or sick I am. I drove shortly after a c section for example. You can split housework 50/50 (and we do) but this is one task only I can do. ‘Just get a taxi’ doesn’t work because we pool money so it’s me paying for half an expensive taxi when I could ‘just jump in the car’ and I’m not willing to see the kids miss out on parties and sport.

AngeloMysterioso · 07/07/2022 10:42

PinkButtercups · 07/07/2022 08:24

I don't see it as a problem as long as they don't rely on you for a lift everywhere, not sure how you find driving exhausting though.

Not everyone has parents or even a decent enough job to learn to drive at 17 though. I'd say a high percentage of those that learn at 17, pass their test get a car etc is all paid by the parents.

Agree completely. This-

If he didn't spend his teen years wasting his money then maybe he would of learned to drive at 17 like the rest of us 🤦‍♀️

Is a really shitty attitude and screams of privilege to be honest. I’m only just learning to drive at 36, have never been able to afford it before as lessons are crazy expensive. The only reason I’m even able to learn now is because DH inherited a bit of money when his grandad died in December, and my mum died in February so I have her very old, very banged up Ford Fiesta to practice in. I couldn’t learn at 17 “like the rest of you” because my Mum didn’t have a pot to piss in never mind enough cash to pay for driving lessons, and my crappy weekend job paid £45 a month which I had to spend on the bus and lunch money to get to college.

firef1y · 07/07/2022 10:42

YABU, I assume that you've not suddenly realised he can't drive, if it was such an issue then maybe you shouldn't have got married to and had children with him.
My partner doesn't drive, I knew that when I met him. I didn't pass my test until I was 30, and it was a lot more nervous wracking at that age then when I was learning at 17. (I just didn't see the need to retake my test until that age when I had a disabled child).

Until late last year I hadn't driven in 12years, again didn't see the need. Didn't stop us going anywhere we just used public transport/taxis/walked.
Now I'm driving again, yes I am the taxi service. But again when I got the car I knew I was the only one who had a full licence.
My partner is now taking driving lessons, be thankful you're not dealing with the expert after 4hrs learning to drive. The amount of times he's tried telling me I'm doing it wrong... (I'm not but there's a big difference between driving in lessons preparing for a test and how you drive after)

wallpoppy · 07/07/2022 10:43

If you were tired before you even set out, or if you didn’t feel well or if you were under a lot of stress, you should have never set out. Get a train or something. Otherwise a five hour drive with a 20 minute break halfway through for a wee and to stretch your legs is far less tiring than doing the same amount of sitting and working in front of a computer which people do all day every day without crying about it.

AngeloMysterioso · 07/07/2022 10:44

YDBear · 07/07/2022 08:10

It’s a basic life skill. He should be ashamed of himself.

Yeah. Not having a few grand spare to spend on driving lessons and tests and then the money to buy, insure and run a car is really fucking shameful isn’t it... piss off.

Yoooooogapinkpants · 07/07/2022 10:46

I can drive but hate it so much I haven’t in 10 years !!!!!!! DH drives me when necessary but I’m a pro at the bus / train and am well known for walking a 10 mile round trip to town !!!!!

Howver I am sure sometimes he would love me to drive so he could have a drink at parties !!!! He never says a word . He never mentions the fuel which he loads into the car .

i think it would piss me right off I was the only driver !!!!!

wallpoppy · 07/07/2022 10:47

@ThePumpkinPatch not all bad eyesight is just nearsighted or farsighted and can be fixed by spectacles. My sister has little to no peripheral vision- no glasses will fix that and allow her to drive, though she manages pretty well otherwise and if you knew her socially you probably wouldn’t even guess she has any vision troubles otherwise..

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 07/07/2022 10:47

Everyone who is able should get a license. If they never want to drive after that, whatever, but it’s a necessary skill. I myself was a nervous driver, got hypnotherapy, a good instructor, and passed. Cost me thousands of £££, but I’m now freeeee.

Not everyone has thousands to spend on learning to drive. If I had that sort of money going spare I'd use it on sorting the roof out!

We couldn't afford a second car anyway - I couldn't even afford the insurance to drive DHs car, or to put diesel in it.