To want my partner to learn how to drive

[EllieRosesMammy]

Just that really. We have two children, another on the way. I drive, my partner doesn't. Meaning that to go anywhere everyone relies on me. I want my partner to be able to drive too so we could split the driving, especially when we go on days out because its exhausting.

He keeps saying he will learn to drive but it never happens. I've got a feeling he's really nervous about it (gave him a go of driving my car round a carpark and dear god it was awful). But everyone learning to drive is nervous surely! If he didn't spend his teen years wasting his money then maybe he would of learned to drive at 17 like the rest of us 🤦‍♀️

DH bought me a voucher for a useful quantity of driving lessons which was a good kick start in getting me started (I was early 20s and it was before I moved in with him). For a start it made me use a particular driving school which cut out a layer of dithering over who to book with. At that point being a non-driver wasn't a major issue, I was still working towards my qualifications and lived somewhere central with good public transport and an easy, free mile walk to work. But being a non-driver would have affected my future and been a PITA for moving in with him.

Being a non-driver is a lifestyle and location is critical. Live in the wrong area (even many suburbs) and it is a major restriction and can be a burden to a driving partner. Children add logistical complications to life and not driving restricts where you can take them for school/ extra-curriculars/ leisure. Once they hit 5, bus fares become extortionate.

I think one reason why MN takes a dim view over male non-drivers over female is because mums often are the default parents with more mental load. Sharing driving shares a layer of that.

I could have written your post myself! It is exhausting being the only one that can do the medical appointments, weekly shopping, etc.

But in my experience they always do - even if they take public transport they need collecting from train stations etc
i don’t really believe that there is anyone able to be 100% self sufficient using public transport

Lots of people can if they're based in cities tbf @Wouldloveanother and on the occasions they'd need to get a taxi for part of a journey if they were visiting somewhere with poor transport links could be rare so affordable versus needing a taxi daily as part of a commute in a more rural location for example.

Living in London for example it's very possible to be 100% self sufficient public transport wise.

But surely people leave the cities they live in? What if they lived in London but wanted to visit family in a village in Somerset? How would that happen?

I said how above... that they'd need to get a taxi for occasions public transport wasn't available.

Like anything, we need to budget for our needs. So rather than paying for the insurance, upkeep and petrol required to run a car, a non driver who is based somewhere with good transport links would then budget to pay for taxis on occasions where public transport isn't available if they're visiting elsewhere 🤷🏻‍♀️

But surely people leave the cities they live in? What if they lived in London but wanted to visit family in a village in Somerset? How would that happen?

All my family are in two counties that are right next to each other, and both border where I live in London. If I'm going there from London, I get a train and then a taxi from the station if needed, unless someone offers to pick me up. Nobody lives on the other side of the country.

@Wouldloveanother

What if they lived in London but wanted to visit family in a village in Somerset? How would that happen?

Train to the nearest station to their family village in Somerset.

Taxi from train station to said village.

I don't understand why that's not obvious...

I spoke to him. He admits he's been putting it off because he's nervous, he has discussed his worries with me, I've emphasised to him how helpful it would be for us to share the load, and overall he's going to ring driving schools tomorrow to get some lessons booked. So fingers crossed it actually happens 😁🤞

Hooray!

Ah this a great outcome OP, fingers crossed he follows through and everyone is a winner!

In case it’s being considered, automatic lessons are more expensive than manual. I learned in an automatic and it’s so easy - but was nearly £70 a lesson and this was in 2019.

YANBU.
So he's scared, and was rubbish at driving your car the first time he tried. That's hardly surprising, it is a skill, of course he can't do it without having learned how.
That doesn't mean he shouldn't get a grip and deal with it - as a parents we have to do lots of things that are out of our comfort zones.
So yes, book him a few lessons and ask him to meet his fear head on.
And meanwhile, don't be the default transport service- if you are too tired to do drive, let him deal with transportation some other way - bus, walking, cycling, cab, whatever, you are pregnant and working, you've got every reason to take to your bed. Let him be inconvenienced by not driving himself.

Don't worry tge future will be driverless cars anyway.

No one will need to bother to learn.

I looked and it was nowhere near £70 a lesson. Must vary. An automatic seems better to me.

I stand by my LOL. Every single thread about this goes the same way.
People commenting on anything driving related assume it’s for an able bodied person. Unless they’ve specifically said ‘my DP who can’t drive … AIBU to dump him because of that ‘ (in the same vein as there are threads asking whether to stay with an autistic or ADHD partner, both conditions I happen to have :) )

It’s not relevant.

Some people will never be able to read. That doesn’t mean it’s not an essential skill. If I start a thread saying ‘my child can’t read after X age’ people wouldn’t be suggesting that it wasn’t a problem.

At the end of the day it is tiring to do all the driving. Someone who can learn, should. If they can’t, that’s a different discussion altogether. But nobody commenting here about ’people who don’t drive’ mean those who can’t. They mean those who chose not to. That’s obvious

It’s not relevant.

As I said previously, I was responding to posters making general comments about non drivers, not specifically about OP's partner.

You'll note she's had a good chat with him and I've said it sounds really positive.

You're spoiling for an argument on a discussion forum trying to tell other people their contributions aren't relevant. It's an open forum. Chill

I’m paying £80 per two hour lesson to learn in an automatic. And I’m getting the old rate, my instructor has bumped his prices up to £45p/h (which is basically £90 per kessons as he only does two hour lessons).

This

That's good news! Hopefully he will have some driving lessons and wonder why he hadn't done it sooner.
My sister went through all the time and expense of passing her driving test over 20 years ago but has never driven a car since even though her DH has always had a car and she lives in the arse end of nowhere.She just hates driving!

Alright then…

You were privileged to live somewhere where you were able to work full time whilst at college, meaning you could earn enough money to pay for driving lessons.

I lived in a tiny middle of nowhere village, the last bus from the nearest shithole town (I know Boro reasonably well, I’d say it’s on a par) left at 6:45pm on any given day so couldn’t get an evening job whilst at college full time, couldn’t do an evening college course whilst working full time. Unless I cycled home down winding unlit country lanes, and what 17 year old wants to do that in the dark in winter? So I had my Saturday minimum wage job which only just paid enough to cover my bus ticket to college and a plate of chips for lunch.

So whilst you’ve said yourself that these aren’t obstacles your DH faced, you have still assumed that learning to drive should be par for the course for any 17 year if they want to badly enough, and that really is not the case.

(and for what it’s worth, for curiosity’s sake I googled the poorest areas of the uk the year I turned 17 - 2002 - and Boro isn’t even in the top 10)

Oh well done OP re your latest update - and well done to him. I was the non-driver in the scenario - I passed my test at school and happily drove myself around everywhere but then I went to uni where cars weren’t allowed in uni accommodation unless exceptional circumstances and I walked/cycled, and then I got a job in London and lived quite centrally so it was tubes/buses/cabs. When we moved further out in London though and had kids it got more difficult. I coped fine for years as I don’t drive to work as it’s far quicker on public transport, the schools are walking distance, we always got all our big shops online anyway, and I took the kids into the centre of London to museums etc easily on public transport and then Uber came along and made everything so easy. I tried a couple of times in the car round the block but I’d lost the muscle memory, and I got incredibly anxious when people went on at me about it because all I ever heard when being driven by other people was stuff about all the terrible dangerous drivers all around!

BUT THEN! My husband had a horrible health incident that took him out of driving for months. I had to bite the bullet. I booked refresher lessons and within a week I’d fitted in 6 hours including a motorway lesson (ESSENTIAL) and now I happily do all the clubs, errands, etc and my husband is back driving and still does the long trips as he’s happiest doing them but it has helped a lot. I suddenly realised the other day how I had made life easier for myself when I saw something on FBMarketplace, arranged to get it, popped out in the car, got it home, all of which would have been massively annoying beforehand.

Do you have an automatic? I learnt on a manual but our car is an automatic, and it does make things a lot easier. Good luck to your husband! He’ll get there.

Not sure where you've got your facts from about Boro not being a poor area. There's hundreds of articles and statistics from the government to state that it's the most impoverished area in the UK.

And 2002 the steel industry in our area was booming...and I was 7. By the time I turned 17, in 2012 thousands of people had been made redundant - including my dad. The North East and specifically Middlesbrough has always been well known for people living in poverty.

Im in north east too and my dd has only just started then after five months in dozens of waiting lists, and she's only got to the top of one so he might find he has a few month wait, the instructor warned me it's a similar wait for the practical tests of not longer.

He could maybe spend the wait period looking up ways ti help with his nerves, meditation and stuff and learning the theory stuff so he's already familiar with the theory and hazard perception before his first lesson. He could even maybe sit the theory.

I didn't want to mention this earlier but did you added him to you insurance before allowing him to drive in the car park? I'm not saying this to be a dick, it's just dd has had lots of offers of people allowing her to drive in a car park to get used to ck trips while waiting for her lesson and when she's kindly declined because she doesn't want to risk points she's been dismissed as a bit of a nervous belly when she's not. She just doesn't want to risk points before she's even started, her best friend was having a go in an empty car park with her dad, she was super nervous and when another car entered the car park and drive past her she hit the wrong pedal and clipped the side of it. Her Dad hadn't bothered insuring her for a 10 min go in an empty car park and only realised how daft he'd been when an accident happened 😬

Also, waiting lists are shorter here for automatic, dd could have started within a month if she wanted automatic lessons and I think that helped her confidence knowing she wouldn't have to wait long if she struggled with gears. But so far so good.