Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my partner to learn how to drive

232 replies

EllieRosesMammy · 07/07/2022 08:04

Just that really. We have two children, another on the way. I drive, my partner doesn't. Meaning that to go anywhere everyone relies on me. I want my partner to be able to drive too so we could split the driving, especially when we go on days out because its exhausting.

He keeps saying he will learn to drive but it never happens. I've got a feeling he's really nervous about it (gave him a go of driving my car round a carpark and dear god it was awful). But everyone learning to drive is nervous surely! If he didn't spend his teen years wasting his money then maybe he would of learned to drive at 17 like the rest of us 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
LessonsinGurning · 07/07/2022 11:43

Same here, and now's he's a SAHD to both our children they are suffering for it. We live somewhere with poor public transport and it means they don't go on days out. He refuses to learn.

girlfriend44 · 07/07/2022 11:45

YDBear · 07/07/2022 08:10

It’s a basic life skill. He should be ashamed of himself.

Lots of reasons not to drive. Abit strong saying he should be ashamed. He hasn't committed a crime.

Original poster
EllieRosesMammy · 07/07/2022 11:46

girlfriend44 · 07/07/2022 11:39

I wouldn't force him to be honest.

Has he given a reason?

I absolutely don't want to force him. He wouldn't force me to do anything I'm uncomfortable with but he hasn't said he doesn't want to do it, just seems to make a lot of excuses.

I'll talk to him tonight about whether he's scared to learn or just simply can't be arsed.

OP posts:
Eatthecake80 · 07/07/2022 11:49

Why is it a basic life skill??
the roads are packed with cars,
less people need to learn to drive!

Thatusername · 07/07/2022 11:49

Justcallmebebes · 07/07/2022 08:29

I agree. I couldn't be with a man who didn't drive. It's a basic life skill and a big part of being an adult

There are a lot of people who couldnt be with someone so judgemental either. Its not a basic life skill. Driving isn't for everyone.

GnomeDePlume · 07/07/2022 11:50

I can sympathise. DH finally learned to drive a car (he had a motorcycle licence) when I was taken ill and he had to ask his DF to collect DD from childminder.

Driving doesn't come naturally to anyone. It takes time to build up muscle memory.

BellePeppa · 07/07/2022 11:52

loveisanopensore · 07/07/2022 10:54

It's more annoying that we've built society around a car rather that building housing thats easy to walk around, cycle, take public transport.

This is a good point. Look at America, it’s a whole country built around the car - they don’t even bother with pavements (sidewalks) in a lot of places. I don’t personally think that is a good thing. Obviously if someone lives in a rural or more isolated place a car is essential. A lot of people feel very anxious driving it’s horrible being bullied into doing something that causes such anxiety.

girlfriend44 · 07/07/2022 11:53

Thatusername · 07/07/2022 11:49

There are a lot of people who couldnt be with someone so judgemental either. Its not a basic life skill. Driving isn't for everyone.

Show quote history

Exactly.

DilemmaDelilah · 07/07/2022 11:53

@Testina and @Marvellousmadness it can be exhausting though. I was married to a man who was unable to drive for medical reasons so I learned to drive. He seemed to think that I was his personal chauffeur and that I should be on call to take him wherever he wanted and to pick him up whenever he wanted. He was perfectly capable of getting the bus and had a bus pass, it was just more convenient for him if I did it.

xogossipgirlxo · 07/07/2022 11:55

YANBU. I could not be with a guy who is lacking such basic skill like driving.

girlfriend44 · 07/07/2022 11:57

Léighméleabhair · 07/07/2022 11:25

I agree OP, it’s very frustrating at times.

I’ve been with DH over 20 years and do all the driving. He did learn to drive and passed his test but was never confident and the very occasional time I’ve sat with him has terrified me. He reversed into a ditch last time and that was about 7 years ago.

Last year I bought a new car and although he’s on the insurance, it’s for dire emergencies only. It is a pain to be the sole driver because we live very rurally, no near neighbours, just fields and about 6 miles to the nearest town down windy narrow roads so not safe for cycling either. There are no rural bus services (or taxis) where we live. You have to get to the town first to catch one.

When I went into hospital for an operation a few years ago, two of my lovely friends rallied round to drive me there and bring me home. Journey of about 100mins each way.

DS is a teen and needs ferrying everywhere. He is dyspraxic and can’t ride a bike either like his pals do, so I’m wondering if DH also has some degree of dyspraxia? I think that would explain his difficulties.

Luckily, DS catches the school bus to school so that’s been a huge bonus to me, although quite expensive.

Out of interest how does dispraxia affect driving then?

ReneBumsWombats · 07/07/2022 11:57

No, I don't blame you. Assuming it is possible for him to learn, I'd feel exactly the same. Don't try to teach him yourself though. He needs a proper instructor with dual controls of the car so he feels safe while learning.

xogossipgirlxo · 07/07/2022 11:57

DilemmaDelilah · 07/07/2022 11:53

@Testina and @Marvellousmadness it can be exhausting though. I was married to a man who was unable to drive for medical reasons so I learned to drive. He seemed to think that I was his personal chauffeur and that I should be on call to take him wherever he wanted and to pick him up whenever he wanted. He was perfectly capable of getting the bus and had a bus pass, it was just more convenient for him if I did it.

I have 32 years old male cousin who gets lifts from his parents. He gave up with his driving course, because he couldn't get his head around switching from 1st to 2nd gear.

D0lphine · 07/07/2022 12:06

I'd just book him 5 lessons in. Pay from joint account or tell him he is paying you back.

Let him take it from there.

If you have booked lessons for him, paid and the instructor will come to the door and he STILL won't do it, then you need to kick off and have a (constructive) argument about it.

I'd consider cutting him off from any non- emergency lifts too.

Herejustforthisone · 07/07/2022 12:10

if this is true then absolutely you should not be driving- you have just admitted you are putting other lives at risk out of a selfish desire for your own convenience. I’m sure you’ll be back with another explanation of why it’s ok for you to drive while you are exhausted and unwell. I’m sure that will be a great comfort to you when you kill someone because you didn’t want to “let your car rot”.

Christ almighty. This is OTT, even for Mumsnet.

FunDragon · 07/07/2022 12:10

bluebeck · 07/07/2022 11:07

Given how nervous he is, and given the fact that all new cars will be automatic in a few years, I would get him some lessons with an automatic driving instructor for his birthday.

Even if you only have one car, you should easily be able to drive an auto and it might make him more able and willling to drive.

If it’s financially viable I think this is a good suggestion. At this point I generally think there isn’t much point in shelling out on manual driving lessons, particularly if the learner is nervous and likely to struggle with a manual.

Original poster
EllieRosesMammy · 07/07/2022 12:12

Herejustforthisone · 07/07/2022 12:10

if this is true then absolutely you should not be driving- you have just admitted you are putting other lives at risk out of a selfish desire for your own convenience. I’m sure you’ll be back with another explanation of why it’s ok for you to drive while you are exhausted and unwell. I’m sure that will be a great comfort to you when you kill someone because you didn’t want to “let your car rot”.

Christ almighty. This is OTT, even for Mumsnet.

I thought this!

I've gone from asking AIBU for wanting my partner to drive to being a murderer :|

OP posts:
LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 07/07/2022 12:20

EllieRosesMammy · 07/07/2022 10:21

I know right?!

He's an amazing person, caring, loving, funny, great cook, great in bed😏😂 and overall the full package. With the exception of the driving.

I'd of been crazy to turn him down just because he didn't drive, I hope all these women who straight up reject men due to not driving are perfect themselves. I'll admit it's a bit of a nightmare and I'm tired, but hardly a reason to dismiss someone entirely 🤦‍♀️

My ex drove but he also did no housework, couldn't cook, was emotionally controlling, a cheater and sh*t in bed... But hey, he drives so I guess I'll have him back 😂

Show quote history

I'd know what I'd prefer and it's not the driver. Harsh PPs dismissing someone's good qualities because they can't drive.

ReneBumsWombats · 07/07/2022 12:28

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 07/07/2022 12:20

I'd know what I'd prefer and it's not the driver. Harsh PPs dismissing someone's good qualities because they can't drive.

Show quote history

People like what they like.

We had a similar thread a short while ago and it was full of people who didn't seem to realise that it's entirely possible, and really not uncommon, to have many good qualities AND be a driver. It's not an either/or. It's not "be a driver OR be a great partner".

Something else we got a lot of was people saying they found traits such as multilingualism to be "far more impressive". Again, people like what they like, so if you like a polyglot, brilliant. But those of us who like driving as a quality in a partner don't generally like it because the skill level astounds us. For me personally, driving is a much more useful skill than speaking five languages.

I appreciate it may not be the same for everyone and that's fine. But people like what they like, and when it comes to relationships, I like the competence and life-load sharing that come with a driver.

godmum56 · 07/07/2022 12:40

weightedblanketofshame · 07/07/2022 11:38

I don't understand the backlash OP has faced here. I'm also the sole driver for my family and it is exhausting being the one who has to ferry people on every day out, to be responsible for mapping every trip, to be automatically volunteered to do all the appointments, the quick trips to the shops, and so on, and it does take the fun out of things. Driving can be really tiring considering the amount of focus it takes and I don't think you're being unreasonable for wanting your partner to learn to drive so he can share the load.

Driving anxiety is very real and definitely something I struggled with for the first few years but it's his responsibility to try and overcome this and to acknowledge the impact that being the sole driver has on you.

but again, if you are the only driver, emergencies excepted, its up to you to decide where and when you will drive and where and when you won't.

Sillyotter · 07/07/2022 12:42

Buying the driving lessons is a good idea. Some people just need that push. I learned to drive as a teenager and when I met DP a few years ago I told him before our first date my only condition of this being able to move forward was that he learned to drive. I absolutely do not want to be the one who’s always responsible for getting us from a to b. Luckily he agreed and admitted he’d put it off for too long and has his first lesson the day after our first date. He’s taking his test in a few months so hopefully not much longer of being the only driver.

WhatsHoppening · 07/07/2022 12:50

It wouldn't necessarily put me off being with someone if they didnt drive but I would need to live in a city where we wouldn't need to drive for school/work/anything really. We both drive but have one car and rarely use it- we could manage easily if either of us didn't drive. Having a lifestyle that necessitates driving and then moaning about it/DH not driving is silly. You need to tell him he learns to drive or you move somewhere you don't need a car.

Riverlee · 07/07/2022 12:57

Can you book him a course of lessons for his birthday or Christmas.

SeriousAlligator · 07/07/2022 13:02

For balance, I'm a lesbian and I'd not date a non-driver either Grin for all the reasons mentioned in this thread.

Yanbu OP.
Do let us know what he says when you talk to him!

RenegadeMatron · 07/07/2022 13:36

Thatusername · 07/07/2022 11:49

There are a lot of people who couldnt be with someone so judgemental either. Its not a basic life skill. Driving isn't for everyone.

Show quote history

Just a shame that those ‘driving isn’t for’ simply opt out, and then rely on others. Which is exactly what’s happening for the OP.

In our marriage, opting out would put an untenable load on the other person.