To want my partner to learn how to drive

[EllieRosesMammy]

Just that really. We have two children, another on the way. I drive, my partner doesn't. Meaning that to go anywhere everyone relies on me. I want my partner to be able to drive too so we could split the driving, especially when we go on days out because its exhausting.

He keeps saying he will learn to drive but it never happens. I've got a feeling he's really nervous about it (gave him a go of driving my car round a carpark and dear god it was awful). But everyone learning to drive is nervous surely! If he didn't spend his teen years wasting his money then maybe he would of learned to drive at 17 like the rest of us 🤦‍♀️

My DP doesn't drive and it is frustrating. Not enough to leave him, no, but irritating when you're the one who has to ferry everyone about all of the time.

He has a work related exam, I have to drive him. Child needs to go to dentist, doctor, optician, school, clubs, to their friends, I have to drive.
My waters broke, I had to find someone willing to take us to the hospital during Covid at midnight.
I have a headache, stomach ache, arthritis flaring up etc, I still have to drive. You never get to be the one chauffeured. Stupid things like when he had a work exam I dropped him off at the front of the building and went to park up. When I did I had to plan the route, allow enough time, find somewhere to park, navigate to exam centre from parking, make sure I've paid parking on their crappy parking app with dodgy internet signal. He got to cram and revise until he physically walked into the exam, I spent the same time driving/planning and stressing about things other than the exam. I know I'd still have to do it if we weren't together, it just seems unfair.

Have you considered learning in an automatic? My friend calls them 'stop and go' cars. Effectively two pedals - one to 'go' and one to 'stop'.

I struggled with learning to drive because I too struggle with manual coordination. Took me 4 attempts to pass my test but I haven't looked back. It opens up your world so much.

I can see how it's exhausting! Op will be doing everything... all pick ups, drop offs, clubs, appointments. Hours and hours of additional tasks.
Op - maybe you need to stop?
Cancel the clubs.
He walks them to places.
Pay for an uber.
Tell him - it's 50:50 (or more him if you are ill). So he sorts his 50%

What would he do if you were out and he had to get a child to a and e? Or if you needed taking to hospital? What about when you go into labour? It's not just about him and he is being selfish/scared and not putting on his big boy pants and facing it.

If he won't do it I would book the lessons and tell him he's doing it 😂 good luck

My sister learned to drive aged 38, she was always too nervous, but having 3 children, she realised it was sensible to learn..... Lucky she did, her DH died suddenly 3 years later! No way would she have been in a fit state to learn after that.

Only on mumsnet should people be ‘ashamed’ not to drive!
I’ve always lived in cities and I don’t, It’s unnecessary and shit for the planet.

So I am similar your husband in this situation- however I do have a driving license- I am just completely terrified of driving. I’ve lost a few friends in car accidents and whenever I get behind the wheel I become completely paralysed with fear I am going to end up hurting my children. I do however make up for it in other ways. I do my half of the school run using public transport or walking, I cook 5/7 nights and I still do the majority of medical appointments and play dates.

Your husband has never drove, but you had a baby with him. He still never drove, and you had a second baby with him.

Upon finding all the driving round exhausting, you are having a 3rd baby with him.

Insanity is repeating the same pattern and expecting a different outcome.

When someone tells you who they are, listen. He's had years to learn.

I am in the same position. Dh is too scared, he had a crack in his teens but it ended miserably, and it didnt help he had an impatient father teaching him. He grew up inner city and then met me (I can drive) so it never seemed like a necessity. We now have two young children, I dont think he realises how difficult life could be neither of us could drive.

To make matters worse I am epileptic, thankfully I have been seizure free for many years so I have my lisence but if god forbid I had a seizure neither of us would be able to drive. We live in London so it would not be disasterous but would be high inconvenient and we would lose some freedom. The whole situation is barking really, I am epileptic yet I am the only one I can drive. I think if I was to lose my lisence, my DH would give it another try.

Pre kids I didnt care less doing all the driving, I grew up rural and learnt to drive at 17 so driving long distances never bothered me, and we would just get a taxi if we went out drinking. But now we have kids, what happens if one needs to be rushed to hospital, ferrying them about when they are older etc.

It is no crime not to drive. Better if he cannot manage it easily not to, than try and have a crash injuring himself and/or others.

Get him walking or using public transport to more things.

I agree! I used to date someone who lost their license ( hence the used to), and its mentally exhausting sometimes too. You’re the one making sure you’ve got fuel, and there’s no roadworks, or that you don’t drink too much the night before a long drive. Ex once planned for us to go away for the weekend which was lovely but it was out in the sticks, so I had to finish work, drive an hour to his house, pack up the car and then drive four hours to where we were going.
i found it was really easy for him to minimise it as well as ‘oh can you pop to tesco for milk on your way here?’ when the reality was that would add about half an hour onto my journey at rush hour, when he was ten minutes walk from a shop.

I definitely got resentful in the end. I find a long drive fairly draining, particularly if it’s a route I don’t know so am concentrating more - whereas if you can half it, it’s so much easier to bear.
I feel your pain, OP - it’s not really the right answer but can you maybe offer to pay for a couple of lessons as a gift to get him started? It might be that he’s more keen to carry on once he’s a bit more confident with it, but it’ll also give you an idea of whether he’ll be proactive after that!
failing that, I like the idea of making him sort Ubers everywhere half the time!

Thanks everyone, I think the ideas about buying him a few lessons are excellent tbf, and his birthday is coming up so it's a good excuse!

The reasons he never learned to drive was that he had no interest, he would rather spend his money on partying when he was younger, his parents never drove (seems to be a common theme where people's parents don't drive so their kids are never encouraged to learn) and also he grew up in a small, seaside town where everything was in walking distance, so he never really felt the need.

And for everyone saying why did I have children with someone who can't drive? Because I love him and overall he is a brilliant partner and dad. Even if he never learns to drive I wouldn't leave him, I'd just appreciate not being the one to ferry everyone around for the rest of our lives.

Ditto. Driving should be taught in secondary school just like they do in the U.S.

I really don't believe anyone should be ashamed to not drive, my bestfriend is epileptic and he has held and lost a licence several times due to seizures, its extremely frustrating.

I just think driving offers a sense of freedom and independence everyone should be able to enjoy :)

It was absolutely not an active decision😂 our plan was to wait till after the wedding in 2 years time but clearly this one had other ideas.

And @Gogster not really sure how you're qualified to determine how many children I am able to handle? Question was about my partner, not my children.

It’s fine for people to not want to drive (I don’t), but it’s not fine for him to place that much burden on you. He needs to step up and do the trips on foot or by public transport or you need to move house to somewhere more practical so that he can manage his share of school runs, activities etc.

My husband doesn’t drive due to his poor eyesight. Does it bother me, no. I love driving. Can’t believe some of you wouldnt even date someone who can’t drive.

My sisters husband doesn't drive. He works from home now but previously she was taking him to the train station before the school run, driving across the countries to her in laws everytime. As her kids got older she was practically cutting herself in half trying to be everywhere she needed to.

It depends where you live but almost impossible to use public transport where we are.

Also because she drives the default for children being places falls to her. She still has to get her oldest kids to work etc as they don't drive yet. She has insisted on lessons for them though!

It is exhausting to be the one driving all the time.

I couldnt disagree more. It IS exhausting having the responsibility of driving always on your shoulders. Long car trips, never being able to have a drink when out, having to drive people home, being the only person to be able to drive the kids to football or after school clubs etc- that would drive me mad if it was only ever my responsibility. I'd be livid if my partner wasnt willing to share this responsibility. Its selfish AF

It’s fine for someone not to drive but not to expect to be chauffeured. So in your case I would take the kids to their activities but no way would I drive him to his exam or anything he wanted to do. Your DH needs to be inconvenienced by not driving in order to make him learn, and at the moment he isn’t.

I'm 37 and just learning to drive now. I'm nearly test ready, just need a couple more lessons before taking the test.

My ex DP hated that I didn't drive (despite knowing I couldn't when we met) and was regularly frustrated about being the designated driver. I just never had a reasonable time schedule/funds to put towards it. Before we split I paid upfront for intensive lessons but due to covid got pushed back several times. We split up, and now he's moved in with his new girlfriend who...guess what...can't drive (in fact, none of his girlfriends have been able to drive!)

Ex boyfriends could drive (bar one) and never had an issue with the fact I couldn't. I do wish I'd done it before I had DS but I'm doing it now, and always wanted to do it, just didn't know how to fit it in around a young child, full time job, home to run etc.

I love driving though, so I'm very glad I've done it!

maybe he would of learned to drive at 17 like the rest of us

Oh, the privilege just drips from that statement.

and when the weather is miserable outside and you’ve gotta go out to pick someone up / go shopping / etc, it’s really galling when they say ‘well, there’s no point us both going is there?’!

Privelege? I was raised by a single mum, in THE most impoverished town in the UK, worked full time from 16, went to college and paid entirely for my own driving lessons, insurance, tax, MOT and car. Baring in mind I earned £3.64 an hour and my driving lessons cost £18 an hour, you can imagine how hard I worked to pay for them.

He grew up in a "posh" seaside town, lived at home and wasted his money on partying.

Please, PLEASE do tell me how I'm privellaged 😂

Have you ever driven with young children in the car?

It's a lot different to being single