Unclear wedding invite

[Thinkingoutloud3]

More of a WWYD than AIBU

Received a wedding invite from a friend back in March for a wedding this August. It was an email invite and didn’t provide a lot of info but I saw it said 2-2.30pm wedding ceremony and 8.30pm-12am wedding reception. I accepted the invite.

Met with a friend last week who is also invited and she mentioned the wedding and said did I noticed we aren’t invited to the wedding breakfast and asked what I plan to do in-between. This has now caused some confusion as I assumed a ceremony invite meant you were there for the entire day? But as it doesn’t mention the wedding breakfast or any dietary requirements friend thinks we aren’t invited to that. I don’t want to turn up expecting to go to the whole day if that’s not the case, but also don’t want to turn up and then hang around for 6 hours.

Obvious thing is to ask but I just can’t get past that someone would invite you to the ceremony and then expect you to come back 6 hours later, and I don’t want to make it awkward if I say ‘am I invited to the meal or not’ and they say no? And then I excuse myself from the ceremony.

Any ideas how to approach this one ?

I think it's not unusual.
Back in the day, lots of work colleagues did that. We just went to the ceremony, went to the pub/shopping/siteseeing depending where it was. Rocked up to evening do.
Usually a kebab on the way home.
Saves the bride and groom a fortune. Saves making loads of small talk.

I would just treat this as an evening invite and not bother with the ceremony. I don't think it matters that you've replied to the invitation.

A church wedding ceremony is open to anyone - people can walk in off the street if they want to - so I think she's just letting you know when it is. Asking people to RSVP to that element is pointless really; it doesn't include refreshments and the church will already have a fixed amount of seating so there is nothing for the bride, groom or venue to actually do with the information on who's attending the ceremony itself. They are aboslutely not going to notice if you aren't there.

Bet they're expecting a gift aswll cf

But the invite isn't confusing, it's very clear. I have been to weddings like this and it's fine if you're local but a bit harder if you're not.

Someone told me they did this as people had been disappointed they wouldn't see them get married so wanted to come to the ceremony also.

I agree with others that an evening invite with a note that they're welcome to the ceremony would have been better.

I had one of these recently and I didn't clock it until another family member pointed it out to me. It means I've agreed to travel 200 miles for a church service and evening party. I'll have to shell out for fuel (I'm guessing around £100) plus a hotel room for me, DH and two kids (so probably another £100) and I won't get fed! So bloody cheeky. I'm trying to work out how I can now back out of it.

Yeah this a new dreadful 'thing'. We had this and it was even less clear... never mind we'd only got a flight for 8 hours to be there! I was very unimpressed. Want to look popular for the ceremony, do it on the cheap for the wedding breakfast, then please come and fill our dance floor later. Tacky. I wouldn't go if I were you.

I’m not bothered that we’ve not been invited to the whole day but I think the wording it odd. Just send us an evening invite and pop on the end we’re welcome to the ceremony if we want to attend. Maybe the invite was obvious to everyone else.

I totally agree @Thinkingoutloud3 That is just weird!
It's always been accepted that people only invited to the evening do could pop along to the ceremony. And often there would just be a bit in brackets at the bottom of the invitation about being welcome to attend.
This couple have just hugely complicated this!

As the logistics are difficult I would be inclined to message to say you won't now be coming to ceremony but you're looking forward to seeing them in the evening. That's the part they really need to know numbers for if there's a welcome drink or buffet included.

I’d just do evening. Let her know you won’t be at ceremony. It’s odd to do it that way most do everything or just evening do.

I would hate this. It's as cheap as hell and I would be insulted!

It’s extremely weird to be asking to the wedding and not the breakfast. Are you sure?! If so cost cutting out of control.. anyway I’d just email and say can’t make the day, looking forward to seeing you in the evening.

It's the first meal after they get married. I didn't know what it meant until I was in my 30s. Went to a big swanky wedding in a stately home. While they were taking photos someone mentioned the wedding breakfast and I said, "oh we'll just go to a local caff in the morning."

I've actually done this twice, and enjoyed it a bit more than having to go to the wedding breakfast bit, but perhaps that's just me!

Both ceremonies have been in a church, so no numbers for that, although both invites were very clear and gave pointers on where to go during the "downtime"...both times we found that there was a group of doing the same so just went to a nearby pub that did food with them and all had a good time, ordered the food we all liked (and was probably a lot nicer than the mass produced wedding meal!) and had a good time together until it was time to go the evening do.

As with all these things, they are what you make them and i personally enjoyed seeing them get married and still getting to be part of their day.

I think this is really harsh.

Weddings are really expensive, and actually not everyone wants 100+ people at their wedding breakfast, some people want something more intimate. There are people who actually want to attend the ceremony and party and don't care about a sit down meal/ you can't afford to pay for them to have a sit down meal. Why shouldn't they be invited to the ceremony if they want to come?

When planning a wedding it is honestly impossible to please everyone (least of all the bride and groom who so often go to the bottom of the list whilst falling over themselves trying to please everyone else!)

I really don't understand how people can be so offended by an invitation. As long as it's clear (and if it's not you just check with the bride/groom), then why wouldn't you just be happy to be invited, go to the bits you want and not to the bits you don't want? You're invited to the ceremony and the evening - great! - so if you just want to go to the evening then just do that - but you have the option to do both if you want to. What's the problem?

This is a big fuss over nothing, really. No wonder so many people want to just elope!!

You are over complicating this. It is clear from the invite you are invited to the ceremony and then the evening from 8.30pm.
She won’t even notice you are not at the ceremony. Just attend the evening.

Have to say, as a side note, I've never been one for inviting some people to part of the day and others to the whole event.

I'd personally cut down and only have friends whom I feel I can invite to the whole thing. If money is an issue, I'd have a very small family wedding and a party at a later date but do not be able to go to the meal after the ceremony, that's plain odd, sorry about this OP.

When did everyone become so rude? Guests should be invited to the whole thing if they are being invited.

I didn’t realise this sort of invite was a thing until it happened to me. I personally think it’s a CF thing to do - just invite me to the free bit basically so I can make up numbers? Err, no.

When did everyone become so unable to appreciate there is no one normal?

In my country it is and has always been normal and not at all rude to have people come to the afters of a wedding. Nobody gets insulted, as its not an insult.

Your way is not the only way.

This. I've never seen this before. I've been invited only to the evening part, which included a meal which I didn't mind as that's my favorite part.

Are they religious? If people have a big church family then there may be lots of people who they’d want to invite and lots of the congregation would view the ceremony as very important to share in blessing and praying for the couple even if they are not close?

I honestly don't understand how you can think it's rude. It's a nice gesture to be invited to someone's wedding, whichever part of the day it is.

There are always going to be friends/ acquaintances/ those more distant relatives who are interested and want to attend the wedding, but who the bride/groom are simply not going to be able to spend £50-100 a head on a meal for.

Or maybe it's not about money at all and they just want an intimate wedding breakfast with their closest family.

Whatever the reason I think being offended by it is really stupid. You've been invited to a wedding - that's a lovely thing. Just go to the parts that you want to go to (or don't go at all if you're so offended by it).

The couple should be able to have the type of wedding they want without people shouting at them for being rude.

I've never heard of this split wedding invite thing before so I can see how it can be confusing!
I definitely wouldn't go home inbetween if I lived 50 minutes away. I would check out the local area and see if there was much to do nearby. I could easily spend the day relaxing in various cafés and pubs having a bite to eat, cuppa tea, nice meal before the evening do. Maybe a walk, bit of sightseeing, cinema, escape room etc. depending on where it is.
Get your friend to join you and your DH for the day, plus anybody else you know in your situation, you could get a group of you together for a fun day!

Id just attend the evening do.

Too much faffing around for a 30 minute service and then go away/go home for 6 hours. Complete waste of a day.

I personally think it’s rude to expect guests to attend the ceremony then go away whilst bride, groom & family are all eating and having speeches/toasts.

Why would you assume it's just to make up numbers and not because they want you there?

Maybe they just wanted a more intimate time for the meal/ a break from all the intense socialising?

Honestly, the assumptions people make are so strange.

In my books if you get a wedding invitation you can assume that the couple like you and would like to see you on their wedding day. That's lovely!

I'd send an email to clarify. Because I haven't been invited/ or heard of anything like that!

If I was invited to the ceremony I would assume it was for the whole day. The few wedding afters/ evenings I have been invited to I didn't get an actual invite I was asked by the bride or groom if I'd like to come along, usually people who grew up on my street.