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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unclear wedding invite

205 replies

Thinkingoutloud3 · 06/07/2022 14:33

More of a WWYD than AIBU

Received a wedding invite from a friend back in March for a wedding this August. It was an email invite and didn’t provide a lot of info but I saw it said 2-2.30pm wedding ceremony and 8.30pm-12am wedding reception. I accepted the invite.

Met with a friend last week who is also invited and she mentioned the wedding and said did I noticed we aren’t invited to the wedding breakfast and asked what I plan to do in-between. This has now caused some confusion as I assumed a ceremony invite meant you were there for the entire day? But as it doesn’t mention the wedding breakfast or any dietary requirements friend thinks we aren’t invited to that. I don’t want to turn up expecting to go to the whole day if that’s not the case, but also don’t want to turn up and then hang around for 6 hours.

Obvious thing is to ask but I just can’t get past that someone would invite you to the ceremony and then expect you to come back 6 hours later, and I don’t want to make it awkward if I say ‘am I invited to the meal or not’ and they say no? And then I excuse myself from the ceremony.

Any ideas how to approach this one ?

OP posts:
MaryBeardsShoes · 06/07/2022 17:13

I don't understand why so many people on MN get so pissy about this. Been to lots of weddings like this and it was absolutely fine and a lovely time was had. If you don't want to go then don't go!!

Maireas · 06/07/2022 17:13

Sounds like you had a good time, @Genevieva! The friends should have given you the gifts (I would have been tempted)

Brideandprejudice · 06/07/2022 17:14

Can't believe this appears to happen a lot. I'm genuinely shocked. I wouldn't dream of going and I'd tell them exactly why.

perimenofertility · 06/07/2022 17:15

I had an invitation like this once. I was invited to join the church service then invited to the evening reception. I declined the invitation and didn't go because I didn't want to spend hours hanging around waiting.
You could accept just the evening part perhaps, if you are keen to go.

growandhope · 06/07/2022 17:17

Thinkingoutloud3 · 06/07/2022 14:39

Since I’ve reread the invite following convo with friend it does appear to be the case.
I think my issue is that I’ve already accepted the ceremony and evening (when I thought it was the whole day) so if I ask and that’s the case I’ll then have to excuse myself from the ceremony as I don’t want to wait around 6 hours, and that’s the part I’m feeling awkward about (maybe unnecessarily?)

Don't worry about it, it's not costing the cheap feckers anything anyway whether you go or not.

growandhope · 06/07/2022 17:18

and whatever you do, forget about any form of a gift, you are only an evening guest, there to make up numbers.

Petros9 · 06/07/2022 17:20

I think this isn't unusual. Our wedding was organised like this (late 90s). Family and closest friends for the breakfast, other friends invited to church for ceremony and for the evening do. Some in the latter category came to church only (it was a Christian wedding, that bit was the main event really), some came just to the evening, some came to both. They got fed at the evening part too, though. It's nice to be invited, in any capacity I think.

SpeckledlyHen · 06/07/2022 17:21

I would just go to the evening do and miss the ceremony altogether. I would bet my mortgage at them not noticing if you missed the church bit. This is not because of you personally but from experience it is all such a whirlwind and there are so many other things to think about you just don't tend to notice things like this.

We went to a good friends wedding about 6 years ago. It was in a hotel so the ceremony was in a separate room. It was the other side of London and on the day there were massive protests about something and a lot of the roads were closed. Instead of us being the 2 hours early to get ready in our room as we wanted we ended up sliding in just as the ceremony finished. We managed to mingle in the bar area and the bride and groom never found out or realised (despite there being a group photo in the room) until years later when someone let it slip whilst we were out for dinner.

Dyra · 06/07/2022 17:21

KatherineofGaunt · 06/07/2022 16:57

I had an invite like this. Brother and I were both friends of the bride. He and his plus one, whom the bride had never met, were invited to the wedding breakfast, and I had to entertain myself in between the ceremony and the evening do. I promised myself then that my wedding would include everyone for the whole day so no-one felt second tier.

We had an invite like this from my uncle (Dad's brother) when I was younger. It was just for the ceremony and evening entertainment. However, my Dad was invited to the wedding breakfast. Which caused the confusion. What they expected my Mum and 4 kids ranging from 8 to 1 to do, we still don't know. Especially as Mum couldn't drive and we were at a rural hotel location (with closed restaurant) that we had travelled nearly 2 hours to get to. We all left, along with another uncle, and our Gran who were horrified they'd done this, to try find a restaurant somewhere that could cater 8 on a Sunday with no booking. We did not return for the evening entertainment.

JellyBellyNelly · 06/07/2022 17:21

I couldn’t be bothered with that malarkey OP.

If I wasn’t invited to very part of the day I wouldn’t go to any.

growandhope · 06/07/2022 17:21

MaryBeardsShoes · 06/07/2022 17:13

I don't understand why so many people on MN get so pissy about this. Been to lots of weddings like this and it was absolutely fine and a lovely time was had. If you don't want to go then don't go!!

it's rude and cheap, invite people just to the evening if you must, but expecting people to go to the ceremony, for them to hang around 6 hours with no refreshments is so up your own hole in self-importance.

RuthW · 06/07/2022 17:23

I'd ask. If not invited to the whole thing I wouldn't go.

Original poster
Thinkingoutloud3 · 06/07/2022 17:26

Wow can’t believe how many responses I’ve had on this. Just to clarify for those who think I’m pissed off about not being invited to the whole day. I’m really not! I’d have been happy with just an evening invite, at least there’d have been no confusion that way.

Maybe I have over complicated it for those saying it’s obvious I wasn’t invited to the meal but I didn’t spend too long looking at it and in my head as soon as I saw the ceremony part I just assumed it was the full day. Every other wedding I’ve been to / heard about has been full day or evening invite so I was just going off past experience. Maybe if i’d studied it longer it would have become apparent.

The wedding isn’t a church wedding either. It’s a dedicated wedding venue think a country house style venue.

OP posts:
Hlglu56 · 06/07/2022 17:32

TwoMommies · 06/07/2022 16:10

I've never heard of this split wedding invite thing before so I can see how it can be confusing!
I definitely wouldn't go home inbetween if I lived 50 minutes away. I would check out the local area and see if there was much to do nearby. I could easily spend the day relaxing in various cafés and pubs having a bite to eat, cuppa tea, nice meal before the evening do. Maybe a walk, bit of sightseeing, cinema, escape room etc. depending on where it is.
Get your friend to join you and your DH for the day, plus anybody else you know in your situation, you could get a group of you together for a fun day!

I personally wouldn’t fancy walking round or going to the cinema in formal attire.

If there’s a group of others you know in a similar position you could go for lunch and drinks but 6 hours is a long time to burn. I’d personally just go the evening.

Maireas · 06/07/2022 17:35

That's even worse if it's at a country house venue - you're expected to go, then leave while the top tier guests eat and drink, then return later!
Could you take sandwiches and eat in the grounds? You could stare through the windows at them eating like you're Victorian orphans 😉

Original poster
Thinkingoutloud3 · 06/07/2022 17:40

I could arrange a lunch with the other couple who aren’t invited to the wedding breakfast (there’s probably more of us too) but tbh I think we’ll all be hammered by the evening reception if we’re sat in bars and pubs for 6 hours.
It’s a small town and not loads to do plus I don’t think I’d fancy wandering around in my wedding ceremony outfit and heels for hours on end.

I think I’ll drop a message to say we can’t make the ceremony after all but we’ll see them at the reception to celebrate.

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 06/07/2022 17:40

If I wasn't bothered about being an evening guest (sometimes it's OK for work mates and distant uni friends or for not close friends) I'd go to the evening bit but skip the ceremony. Otherwise decline and say you'd understood it was an all day invite and that you don't want to hang around for 6 hours. That's a cheeky thing for her to do.

If you go evening a small gift is appropriate but don't overspend.

Reginaldina · 06/07/2022 17:41

Thinkingoutloud3 · 06/07/2022 14:50

DH is saying we should go to the ceremony and then drive home and back again.
But the logistics are a 50 minute journey for a 30 minute service, a 50 minute journey home, 4 hours in the house (would I get changed, redo make up? Change my outfit, I have no idea) and then drive back again. If it was a shorter gap, 3 hours or so we could take ourselves off for a meal but I don’t think I could string that out 6 hours.

I’m not bothered that we’ve not been invited to the whole day but I think the wording it odd. Just send us an evening invite and pop on the end we’re welcome to the ceremony if we want to attend. Maybe the invite was obvious to everyone else.

I'd just email and say sorry I missread the invite, we can only make the evening reception and then just go to the evening part. No biggy.

Original poster
Thinkingoutloud3 · 06/07/2022 17:42

@Maireas this made me laugh.

OP posts:
JubileeTrifle · 06/07/2022 18:05

You know someone is going to get mixed up and think they are invited to the whole thing.
yeah it’s rude. Get dressed up and then spend 6 hours hanging about. What if the weather is terrible? What if it’s the middle of nowhere.

I don’t mind an evening do if it’s local and easy to get too and I know people. If there’s travel/hotels involved I usually won’t bother. It’s usually too loud to speak to anyone.

KosherDill · 06/07/2022 18:08

I'd rather see the ceremony than hang around some disco in the evening. So I'd attend that, then go out for lunch perhaps with friends and have my late afternoon and evening to do as I pleased.

CoastalWave · 06/07/2022 18:14

Just miss the ceremony and turn up in the evening. They won't even notice!

Redglitter · 06/07/2022 18:14

I'd treat it the way I would an evening invite. Not go to the ceremony just the evening reception. Never heard of anyone sending invites like this. Very odd

MrsMoastyToasty · 06/07/2022 18:16

Give her a call. Text messages sometimes get lost in translation.
I wouldn't go to a split event. The all day guests will be half cut/flagging by the time you get to the evening bit.

HipsterCoffeeShop · 06/07/2022 18:17

I had an invite like this a few years ago. Didn't realise we weren't invited to the wedding breakfast until we'd arrived at the hotel the night before and got talking to some guests who were also not invited.

It was worded very similarly to your invitation OP. We saw details of the ceremony and where we needed to be and when and honestly didn't read much further. Now we are wiser!

We ended up palling up with fifteen or so people similarly at a loose end, found a curry house that would feed us all at short notice and then went to the local pub which was hosting a beer festival.

We eventually went to the evening so, which was shit. I think all of us wished we'd just stayed at the pub!