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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unclear wedding invite

205 replies

Thinkingoutloud3 · 06/07/2022 14:33

More of a WWYD than AIBU

Received a wedding invite from a friend back in March for a wedding this August. It was an email invite and didn’t provide a lot of info but I saw it said 2-2.30pm wedding ceremony and 8.30pm-12am wedding reception. I accepted the invite.

Met with a friend last week who is also invited and she mentioned the wedding and said did I noticed we aren’t invited to the wedding breakfast and asked what I plan to do in-between. This has now caused some confusion as I assumed a ceremony invite meant you were there for the entire day? But as it doesn’t mention the wedding breakfast or any dietary requirements friend thinks we aren’t invited to that. I don’t want to turn up expecting to go to the whole day if that’s not the case, but also don’t want to turn up and then hang around for 6 hours.

Obvious thing is to ask but I just can’t get past that someone would invite you to the ceremony and then expect you to come back 6 hours later, and I don’t want to make it awkward if I say ‘am I invited to the meal or not’ and they say no? And then I excuse myself from the ceremony.

Any ideas how to approach this one ?

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 06/07/2022 16:36

It won’t be six hours, by the time they’ve faffed around with photos etc. And if the reception is in a hotel, it’ll be fine to turn up a bit early and have a drink at the bar before things start.

crossstitchingnana · 06/07/2022 16:40

Is this a new thing? I have only ever been invited to the whole day or just the evening do.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 06/07/2022 16:40

I had a wedding invitation like this once, it does happen. I thought it was traditional to give people the details of the ceremony if you were inviting them to the evening reception because wedding ceremonies are supposed to be public events that anyone could go to if they wanted.

The wedding I went to like this was for a work colleague so there were a few of us in the same position, and all our partners had been invited too. We went for lunch together while the wedding breakfast was going on, but there was such a long time to kill before we were welcome back we were all too drunk to be ideal wedding guests and were ready to go home at 9.00. It was a fun day though!

HedgehogintheFog · 06/07/2022 16:41

I would go, plan a day out and a meal nearby and then go back for the reception. But if you have decided actually you don't want to go to the ceremony just contact your friend and say, 'Working out logistics for your wedding and I've just realised how much driving it's going to be to go home and come back for the reception. We still really want to celebrate with you, but I think we'll just join you at 8:30. Hope that's okay.'

WhatNoRaisins · 06/07/2022 16:42

The whole point of the wedding breakfast is that it's a thank you to those who took the time to witness your wedding ceremony. Inviting people to the ceremony and then expecting them to go find their own food is rude and I agree there are going to be people turning up to the reception not realising they aren't wanted because it probably wouldn't occur to them that B&G would be so cringe as to do this

feellikeanalien · 06/07/2022 16:43

I went to one of these years ago. It was a uni friend and when we arrived it was only then it became clear that we weren't invited to the meal. All of us had to travel quite a distance and stay the night.

The town where the wedding was was a bit grim and a group of us ended up in Mcdonalds in our wedding finery.

One friend was so pissed off that she just turned up at the meal with her boyfriend and I think the bride and groom were so embarrassed that they didn't say anthing.

The couple are now divorced.

1FootInTheRave · 06/07/2022 16:45

Invited to the ceremony and evening do only is a piss take.

Here, let's make it look a large and lavish affair, but without any thought to our guests.

I'd just go to the evening.

WarmJuly · 06/07/2022 16:46

WhatNoRaisins · 06/07/2022 16:42

The whole point of the wedding breakfast is that it's a thank you to those who took the time to witness your wedding ceremony. Inviting people to the ceremony and then expecting them to go find their own food is rude and I agree there are going to be people turning up to the reception not realising they aren't wanted because it probably wouldn't occur to them that B&G would be so cringe as to do this

Also asking people for 8.30pm is really unfair. If the ceremony finishes at 2.30 with, say, an hour for photos, that's five hours for the wedding breakfast. Surely if you're going to invite people for the evening 6 or 7pm should be the latest time.

KatherineofGaunt · 06/07/2022 16:49

AryaStarkWolf · 06/07/2022 15:24

Only ever heard of it on mumsnet too 😂

Show quote history

It's been called the wedding breakfast since about the 17th Century. 'Breafast' because the bride and groom wouldn't eat breakfast until after they were married, so literally breaking their fast after the service.

Dixiechickonhols · 06/07/2022 16:49

So many things can go wrong with an invite like this. People turning up at wedding breakfast and no set places (venue squeezing them in if they think they’ve been forgotten). Guests effectively having an alternative do at a nearby pub if they all opt to wait there. Awkward all around for guests and couple.

mam0918 · 06/07/2022 16:50

If your friend has done this they are VERY rude.

There are 3 types of invite acceptible in ettiquette in the UK:

  1. full day (can be formal written invite or informal word of mouth invite, usually formal)

  2. evening/after party only (can be equally formal or informal)

  3. church invite (old school ceremony only tradition... informal only - this is where the church flock, other locals and friends of the family not the couple can choose to attend on word of mouth invite from others without expecting to be invited to the reception celebrations)

They can not (in good manners) choose to have a ceremony + evening invite and expect people to mill around like loose ends for hours in between while they choose to only host VIPs.

If they host someone they invited they are expected to host them the entire duration of their stay so if they arent willing to they need to invite them later.

TheCrowening · 06/07/2022 16:51

I’ve had one invite like this, but it was local to me and several other friends received the same invite so we just all went to the pub down the road. Otherwise would have just gone for the evening bit.

thecurtainsofdestiny · 06/07/2022 16:51

This is very normal where I am in the UK- I've been to several weddings like this.

We tend to find a nice place to have a meal in the in between time, or book a hotel and go back to the room between ceremony and evening reception

DasGirl · 06/07/2022 16:52

crossstitchingnana · 06/07/2022 16:40

Is this a new thing? I have only ever been invited to the whole day or just the evening do.

It's not a new thing. Guests coming to the evening have always been able to pop along to watch the wedding ceremony, particularly if it's in church.

It's just that you don't normally issue a specific "invitation" for this! Usually just mentioned verbally or a bit in brackets at bottom of invitation.

This bride and groom have just made it as confusing as possible 🤷🏼‍♀️

Starseeking · 06/07/2022 16:52

I had a similar invite a few years ago, I skipped the ceremony and just went to the evening do.

It wasn't a huge drama, it doesn't need to be made out to be. Just update them with your choice (you don't even have to give a reason why).

MaggieFS · 06/07/2022 16:52

Gosh I've heard of this sort of thing for local friends and colleagues, but more normally along the lines of being invited to the evening do, and told when & where the service is if you'd like to join, but not a fully two part invitation for somewhere 50 minutes away. And 8.30 pm is quite late for an evening do start. But it does avoid any awkwardness of having to provide you any food because by that time you'll probably have eaten.

I'd just not go to the service. It would be polite to let them know, 'sorry, I'm no longer able to make the ceremony but look forward to celebrating with you in the evening'.

QuebecBagnet · 06/07/2022 16:53

Yeah it’s a wedding ceremony and evening do invite only.

my brother and his wife got confused by a similar invitation once and we’re a bit embarrassed when they turned up at the hotel for the meal and weren’t on the seating plan and the brides mother turned them away!

KatherineofGaunt · 06/07/2022 16:57

I had an invite like this. Brother and I were both friends of the bride. He and his plus one, whom the bride had never met, were invited to the wedding breakfast, and I had to entertain myself in between the ceremony and the evening do. I promised myself then that my wedding would include everyone for the whole day so no-one felt second tier.

Leftbutcameback · 06/07/2022 16:57

I went to a wedding like that a few years ago. Four of us went to a very long lunch in between. It was marvellous!

MrsAvocet · 06/07/2022 16:58

Riverlee · 06/07/2022 16:23

When I got married (early 90s) it was very common. The wedding breakfast was usually for family and closer friends, and involved a sit down meal, speeches etc. The evening tended to be more relaxed, ie, disco and buffet, and involved wider friends, neighbours, work colleagues etc. No one thought it was strange, because it was the accepted norm of the day (and no one got offended by an evening-only invite).

I also got married in the early 90s and it certainly wasn't the norm in my family or social circle.
Having a separate "evening do" was very common it's true, and no, people didn't get offended about receiving an evening only invitation if they weren't family or very close friends. But I don't think it was the norm to also formally invite that group of people to the ceremony. Or to invite people who were travelling long distances solely to the evening do, it was generally local friends - in my experience anyway. Friends were welcome to watch the ceremony but there was no expectation that they would. That's the difference.

Maireas · 06/07/2022 17:02

Brideandprejudice · 06/07/2022 14:50

God these new ways of people cutting wedding costs are a disgrace. How dare someone ask people to come to their wedding twice in one day and have the audacity not to feed them.

Yes - that way they get the gift, but don't have to give them a meal.

Dontgetmestarted65 · 06/07/2022 17:07

I'd ask. Say you were talking to someone else invited and realised the invite isn't very clear, is the wedding on all day or is there a gap between the ceremony ending and the party beginning. Don't ask if there's a meal you're not invited to though. See what they say. But if they're expecting you to come to the ceremony then go away until the evening then I'd just say "oh I'm glad I checked, we really couldn't wait about for that long or travel that far twice in one day, we'll just come over to celebrate with you in the evening. I think it might be worth sending a message out so you don't get stuck with lots of people expecting to be entertained for hours lol!"

Its their cock up and it's them that should be embarrassed

loopyfruit · 06/07/2022 17:08

That is so rude. They should invite you to ceremony and / or evening do, but they can't expect you to hole up in a local pub in a nice frock while they cater privately for the select few.

Maireas · 06/07/2022 17:11

I don't think it's a cock up, though, I think it's clear. You are invited to the ceremony, large numbers at the church or wherever, good pictures.
No invitation to the main meal.
Come after they've finished eating for an evening do.
I do understand how you misread, though, OP

Viviennemary · 06/07/2022 17:12

It's cheeky. I wouldn't bother going at all.