Unclear wedding invite

[Thinkingoutloud3]

More of a WWYD than AIBU

Received a wedding invite from a friend back in March for a wedding this August. It was an email invite and didn’t provide a lot of info but I saw it said 2-2.30pm wedding ceremony and 8.30pm-12am wedding reception. I accepted the invite.

Met with a friend last week who is also invited and she mentioned the wedding and said did I noticed we aren’t invited to the wedding breakfast and asked what I plan to do in-between. This has now caused some confusion as I assumed a ceremony invite meant you were there for the entire day? But as it doesn’t mention the wedding breakfast or any dietary requirements friend thinks we aren’t invited to that. I don’t want to turn up expecting to go to the whole day if that’s not the case, but also don’t want to turn up and then hang around for 6 hours.

Obvious thing is to ask but I just can’t get past that someone would invite you to the ceremony and then expect you to come back 6 hours later, and I don’t want to make it awkward if I say ‘am I invited to the meal or not’ and they say no? And then I excuse myself from the ceremony.

Any ideas how to approach this one ?

It would have been much clearer if they’d put ‘evening invite’ and then ceremony details with an ’pnly if you want to, no food provided’ disclaimer

I don't think that is necessarily the case. If it is in a church then anyone can attend, even a random person. They are letting you know when it is.

A friend recently did the same and some of those invited to the evening went to the ceremony and some didn't.

I believe the meal is called the wedding breakfast as its the first meal after the marriage.

I'd find an invite like that odd, too, OP. I've never heard of anything like it. I'd probably just go to the evening part.

Just skip the ceremony. They aren’t going to be ticking everyone off at the door to the venue

You are an evening guest, the other ' invite' is just there to tell you when the ceremony is, and you can come if you want.

No way will the B&G expect you to be travelling back and forth long distances.

It's your day, but with fuel prices etc I would just be going to the evening do.

This is so weird of them! I’d send another email and say due to not fully understanding the invite initially and the logistics of travelling etc, we won’t be attending the ceremony, only the reception. It won’t cost them anything to lose a couple at the ceremony I imagine? Actually, I’d probably be rescinding my RSVP at this point as it’s so cheeky to expect people to split their day like this, in my opinion.

I’m currently planning a wedding and we have either invited people all day (maximum number in the rooms we’ve chosen for ceremony & food at the venue), or evening only. The latter is mainly work friends or people we haven’t seen for a long time and I’ve said to them all don’t worry about saying no if you don’t fancy it - it’s a lot of ball ache for a party!

I had one of these from a colleague and me and a load of other work people didn’t realise. Ended up hanging around in the literal middle of nowhere for 7 hours, not even a corner shop in sight.
personally I’d skip the ceremony and just go to the evening do, if at all.

Yes it does. I went to the ceremony. Drinks and nibbles served in the church. The special group then went to the posh venue for the meal. We turned up at 7pm for the evening do. There were no chairs or tables for the evening guests. The chosen sat tight at their tables from the sit down meal. We all stood around like lemons. A buffet was put out and the ones that had already been fed, jumped up and rushed to grab huge platefuls. The evening guests had to stand there holding their plates and eat the paltry amount that was left. Some people stayed about half an hour. I lasted an hour. It seemed so unfair as we had all bought wedding presents, but we were made to feel in the way. So it was basically, buy your own drink, try to grab a cheese straw whilst watching the afternoon guests stuff their faces again and standing in the way, as there was virtually no standing room. OP, I wouldn't bother to go at all.

Could you perhaps stay over nearby (make a night away of it with your partner) and then the timings wouldn't be so bad.
Alternatively just contact the bride and explain it's 1hr 40 mins round trip and therefore would it be OK to just attend the evening?
The cost of petrol at the moment would also be something I'd factor in, if planning on doing 2 x 1hr 40 min round trips in the same day

@Vallmo47 its totally acceptable for you to do that. You have clearly separated the ceremony from the evening part What appears to have happened here is that the have tried to have people at the ceremony and then not at the dinner then come back for the after's ? Where they should have just done one invite for people for the ceremony and whole thing, and then separate invites for the evening part

We only went to the ceremony because we didn’t realise we weren’t invited to eat til after the church bit…

To me there’s no confusion? she’s stated which parts you’re invited to.

also you’re massively over thinking it!
you either go, then go home for a while or if something in the area you have a day out before the evening, or you email and apologise that you’ll no longer be able to attend ceremony but will see them on the evening.

theres no reason to ‘excuse yourself’ from the ceremony? There’ll be many people there who aren’t at the wedding breakfast.

You’re not worthy of food, apparently! I wouldn’t treat guests like this.
We tried to invite everyone to everything at ours, we had a very small number of additional evening guests.
This is bonkers.

@Wexone I do understand where the confusion occurred but I think it can be easily resolved by dropping the couple a quick message. I’m sure they will completely understand, it’s just that they cannot afford to pay for everyone attend the full day. I wouldn’t be able to do that either. It’s a sad situation- you just feel so crap and like people will judge. Maybe they don’t feel like that but it’s a possibility. Either way, a quick message to say “Having reread the invitation I’m afraid we can now only attend the evening reception to congratulate you both. Look forward to seeing you both on your special day!” :)

@WarmJuly that sounds awful. I couldn't imagine doing that to people. To me that is just rude. I understand people cant afford big weddings nor sometimes want them. That is fine but just don't do that.

Such a strange invite.

This type of invitation is really common in some Scandinavian countries and maybe becoming more popular here. Everyone comes for the ceremony, then a sit down meal is traditionally for a much smaller circle of close family/friends. It gives everyone else a chance to go home, have a rest, get changed etc before the evening.

I think it's a nice way to do it tbh! It sounds like this is what your invitation is saying - but if you're not sure, it's fine to just ask.

We did this (aged 20, in the late nineties) but only with people who still lived in our home town eg work colleagues, less close school friends, members of club. But those who had to travel (family) had invited for ceremony, sit down formal meal and evening buffet. Can remember the exact wording but hope people weren’t confused. Defo just go to the evening if it’s going to be a hassle for you.

I think there are 2 ways of looking at this. I really
like a ceremony and wouldn’t be offended at an invite that said evening reception at XX at Y pm. If you would also like to attend the ceremony it’s at ZZ at Qpm, you would be very welcome but please don’t feel obliged.

I think doing this for people who are going to
have to travel far isn’t great but for locals is fine.

We had this situation where a whole group of us had the ceremony/evening invite but no middle bit, and it turned out we were the only group in this position and we were all living scattered across the country. Actually had a great time though, we all booked dinner in town together, had a laugh with my friends who were the people who I wanted to see anyway. And our little group were the last on the dance floor at the end of the night. I do think it was a bit rude but understand constraints and have lovely memories of the wedding.

In your case though I think it’s totally fine to re-reply and say you’ll just come in the evening unless you particularly want to go to the ceremony.

It seems to be an increasingly common thing.
We are invited to a wedding on this basis later this Summer. It's a friend of my DH's who I don't know, so I confess I didn't really study the invitation - just saw the name of a Church and a reception venue and assumed that we were invited to the whole thing. I was a bit shocked to realise that we aren't. It's over 300 miles away and we've had to book a hotel for 2 nights so I'm a bit irritated, to put it mildly. Had I realised earlier we wouldn't be going (well I wouldn't, DH could have gone on his own if he wanted of course) but the hotel is non refundable.
I think it's rude. When I was younger the etiquette always used to be that if you invited someone to the Church then you invited them to the whole day. If you were having an evening do for a wider group of friends, colleagues etc then you only invited them to that. Obviously sometimes local "evening only" friends would come to the ceremony and sit at the back, but not as invited guests, and it was their own choice. I had never heard of anyone being invited to the ceremony and evening do but expected to kick their heels for several hours in the middle until the last few years. I wouldn't do it myself, especially not to guests who are travelling long distances.
In your shoes I would just go for the evening OP.

I find it all a bit weird.
If it were me and I had a friend to hang around with I'd go to the ceremony then head off with friend and book a nice place for food and drinks then return for evening bit.

Incredibly cheeky to invite you to the ceremony and not the wedding breakfast. I've no problem with separate day/evening invites but to want you to go to the ceremony (probably just for their photos) then wait around for 6 hours is disgraceful
I'd probably make a night of it by staying over, that way you can go out for a nice lunch with DH and your friend if she does same then head on to the evening do later together. Definitely wouldn't be making 3 round trips if its 50 mins away

We had that happen to us years ago.
We travelled across country, went to the service and wondered around town/pub as a group of friends until the evening reception.
Ironically the group (uni friend who had invited us) got rather annoyed as we showed up a little bit merry and 'embarrassed' him at his wedding reception... 🤔
His wife, on the other hand, was quite happy as her new ILs were quite solemn and serious and she was desperate for a few drinks but felt she couldn't.
They're divorced now.

I was invited to one like this, which really was just an evening invite but they were getting married in a church and therefore anyone can go to that. We just went to the evening.

They are gonna have a mare on the day with uninvited guests handing around wondering when the food is being served.