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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unclear wedding invite

205 replies

Thinkingoutloud3 · 06/07/2022 14:33

More of a WWYD than AIBU

Received a wedding invite from a friend back in March for a wedding this August. It was an email invite and didn’t provide a lot of info but I saw it said 2-2.30pm wedding ceremony and 8.30pm-12am wedding reception. I accepted the invite.

Met with a friend last week who is also invited and she mentioned the wedding and said did I noticed we aren’t invited to the wedding breakfast and asked what I plan to do in-between. This has now caused some confusion as I assumed a ceremony invite meant you were there for the entire day? But as it doesn’t mention the wedding breakfast or any dietary requirements friend thinks we aren’t invited to that. I don’t want to turn up expecting to go to the whole day if that’s not the case, but also don’t want to turn up and then hang around for 6 hours.

Obvious thing is to ask but I just can’t get past that someone would invite you to the ceremony and then expect you to come back 6 hours later, and I don’t want to make it awkward if I say ‘am I invited to the meal or not’ and they say no? And then I excuse myself from the ceremony.

Any ideas how to approach this one ?

OP posts:
Blinkingheckythump · 06/07/2022 14:35

Just ask. It's really not that big of a deal, say just checking if I'm invited to the full day or just the evening do?

Lanawashington · 06/07/2022 14:36

I agree with your friend, they've invited you to the ceremony until 2.30 and then to the evening do from 8.30. Although I think that seems quite late for the evening do to start but I don't know much about them

HangOnToYourself · 06/07/2022 14:37

No you are not invited to the wedding breakfast based on the info provided. I had a very similar invite and we just all went and grabbed some lunch between ceremony and evening do.
Alternatively you can just go to the evening do and miss the ceremony.

FluffMagnet · 06/07/2022 14:38

Ceremonies are open to all anyway, so maybe she is just clarifying you are welcome to attend that, should you wish? But yes - you have an evening invite.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 06/07/2022 14:38

If the invite specifies 2-2.30 then 8.30-midnight then those are the only bits you are invited to.

I'm all for evening guests on top of all day guests (and wouldn't care if I got an evening only invite), but this is cheeky - come to the free/cheap bits but entertain yourselves for 6 hours in between them

Sofarsogood123 · 06/07/2022 14:39

I've been to a wedding where there were 3 separate invites to 3 separate parts (ceremony, meal, reception). Weird. Fine if you got all 3 bits of card but entirely unclear if you only got ceremony. Which some did. Also weird but whatever. Frantic panic post-ceremony when the wedding party clocked that people thought they were coming to everything and bridesmaids running around like headless chickens trying sort out spaces and meals. Just ask. If you are confused, others will be too. You'll be doing them a favour by flagging it now.

Dogscanteatonions · 06/07/2022 14:39

It is a bit unclear, I think you'll have to ask. If it is the case you're only invited to the ceremony and then the evening do and not the food and speeches bit in the middle then like fuck would I go!!

Original poster
Thinkingoutloud3 · 06/07/2022 14:39

Since I’ve reread the invite following convo with friend it does appear to be the case.
I think my issue is that I’ve already accepted the ceremony and evening (when I thought it was the whole day) so if I ask and that’s the case I’ll then have to excuse myself from the ceremony as I don’t want to wait around 6 hours, and that’s the part I’m feeling awkward about (maybe unnecessarily?)

OP posts:
Cantanka · 06/07/2022 14:41

I agree that it is clear you are only invited to the ceremony and the evening.

whether you still want to go is up to you.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 06/07/2022 14:41

As it was via email then simply send another email back explaining that you misunderstood the original invite and that you will still be attending the evening part?

HangOnToYourself · 06/07/2022 14:41

Thinkingoutloud3 · 06/07/2022 14:39

Since I’ve reread the invite following convo with friend it does appear to be the case.
I think my issue is that I’ve already accepted the ceremony and evening (when I thought it was the whole day) so if I ask and that’s the case I’ll then have to excuse myself from the ceremony as I don’t want to wait around 6 hours, and that’s the part I’m feeling awkward about (maybe unnecessarily?)

I really doubt they would even notice that you arent at the ceremony, just attend the evening do.

K8Shrop · 06/07/2022 14:42

Yes, sounds like you've been invited to just the ceremony and then the evening do.

I've only heard of this happening once in real life, and I just cannot fathom why people think it's an ok thing to do. Surely just invite them to the evening do. To ask them to entertain themselves in the middle of the day because you're not feeding them is just weird.

I wouldn't worry at all about just going to the evening do. You won't need to tell them you're not going to the ceremony. They won't notice, and also the ceremony will not be numbers specific. I'd just go in the evening and mention nothing about it.

Cantanka · 06/07/2022 14:42

Thinkingoutloud3 · 06/07/2022 14:39

Since I’ve reread the invite following convo with friend it does appear to be the case.
I think my issue is that I’ve already accepted the ceremony and evening (when I thought it was the whole day) so if I ask and that’s the case I’ll then have to excuse myself from the ceremony as I don’t want to wait around 6 hours, and that’s the part I’m feeling awkward about (maybe unnecessarily?)

They don’t feel awkward about sending you a weird invitation like that, so don’t feel awkward about dropping out!

but don’t ask. There’s no way they’d specify the evening start time like that if you were there all day. Just say you can no longer make the ceremony but look forward to seeing them in the evening.

HannahSternDefoe · 06/07/2022 14:43

You need to choose.

Either go to the ceremony then go home or go to the evening do.

From bitter experience, you don't want to be hanging around for hours for a crappy party when half of the attendees are already mostly sloshed.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 06/07/2022 14:44

FluffMagnet · 06/07/2022 14:38

Ceremonies are open to all anyway, so maybe she is just clarifying you are welcome to attend that, should you wish? But yes - you have an evening invite.

Many venues have a capacity though, so even though technically anyone can walk in, hotels/civic centres etc will only have a set amount of space.

I'd consider whether you want to do a split day. If you don't, let her know you won't be at rhe ceremony (and why) so she can ask the venue to reduce capacity.

PresidentByeThen · 06/07/2022 14:47

I've read similar on here before (though never encountered it in RL), it seems to be when couples want a full church/venue for the vows etc but not to pay for the breakfast for so many (or don't have the capacity for all).

Fair enough, but I'd be a definite evening only!

AryaStarkWolf · 06/07/2022 14:47

that's weird, normally if you're not invited to the meal, you will just get an invite to the evening, I've never seen people invite you to the church and then the evening bit. I'd probably skip the Church and just go to the evening thing (if you want to go)

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 06/07/2022 14:48

HangOnToYourself · 06/07/2022 14:41

I really doubt they would even notice that you arent at the ceremony, just attend the evening do.

Show quote history

They will of they've done this to all their evening guests and no one wants to loiter around the town for 6 hours so chooses not to attend the ceremony.

ShandaLear · 06/07/2022 14:49

If it’s local skip the ceremony and just go to the night doo. If you have to travel/book hotels etc then I wouldn’t bother. I got scammed by this before and had booked flights and accommodation for two people (about £500) not including gifts and outfits, before I realised I was going to a buffet and a disco. I had evening guests at mine but they were for work colleagues, and friends of my parents and siblings (and they got to choose who they wanted to invite).

sjxoxo · 06/07/2022 14:49

This is wierd and rude I think to invite people to both bits but not the food?! Honestly. Just go to one or the other. I would email saying actually I will be at the XX only. I find this really rude? It’s like you’re important enough to attend but not important enough to be hosted! Ridiculous x

Original poster
Thinkingoutloud3 · 06/07/2022 14:50

DH is saying we should go to the ceremony and then drive home and back again.
But the logistics are a 50 minute journey for a 30 minute service, a 50 minute journey home, 4 hours in the house (would I get changed, redo make up? Change my outfit, I have no idea) and then drive back again. If it was a shorter gap, 3 hours or so we could take ourselves off for a meal but I don’t think I could string that out 6 hours.

I’m not bothered that we’ve not been invited to the whole day but I think the wording it odd. Just send us an evening invite and pop on the end we’re welcome to the ceremony if we want to attend. Maybe the invite was obvious to everyone else.

OP posts:
Brideandprejudice · 06/07/2022 14:50

God these new ways of people cutting wedding costs are a disgrace. How dare someone ask people to come to their wedding twice in one day and have the audacity not to feed them.

hashbrownsandwich · 06/07/2022 14:52

I would just email and say you'll only be going to the evening.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 06/07/2022 14:53

What is your friend planning on doing?

Maytodecember · 06/07/2022 14:54

You’re invited to the bits on the invitation I.e ceremony and evening. And you entertain yourself for 6 hours in the middle.
No one will notice you’re not at the ceremony so I’d just turn up for the evening do. Unless you live locally and you’re happy to go home for the 6 hours.