Unclear wedding invite

[Thinkingoutloud3]

More of a WWYD than AIBU

Received a wedding invite from a friend back in March for a wedding this August. It was an email invite and didn’t provide a lot of info but I saw it said 2-2.30pm wedding ceremony and 8.30pm-12am wedding reception. I accepted the invite.

Met with a friend last week who is also invited and she mentioned the wedding and said did I noticed we aren’t invited to the wedding breakfast and asked what I plan to do in-between. This has now caused some confusion as I assumed a ceremony invite meant you were there for the entire day? But as it doesn’t mention the wedding breakfast or any dietary requirements friend thinks we aren’t invited to that. I don’t want to turn up expecting to go to the whole day if that’s not the case, but also don’t want to turn up and then hang around for 6 hours.

Obvious thing is to ask but I just can’t get past that someone would invite you to the ceremony and then expect you to come back 6 hours later, and I don’t want to make it awkward if I say ‘am I invited to the meal or not’ and they say no? And then I excuse myself from the ceremony.

Any ideas how to approach this one ?

@Thinkingoutloud3 would you consider just going to the evening 'do' and skipping the ceremony altogether so there's no driving back and forth, redoing makeup and and hanging around for 6 hours?

When I got married it was the done thing.
It was family and close friends to the whole day and then it was those you wanted to come for the evening celebration but also wanted them to see you get married.
Anyone can go attend a wedding on a church but people don’t assume they can’t unless invited.
Nothing wrong with going for a meal in between and a walk in the park or around the area.

An evening invitation is fine I think (travel once) but these kind of split invitations are spectacularly rude and you would have to have the social graces of a baboon to send one. Who thinks it’s ok to pick and choose which parts of the day you invite someone to and literally send them away in between?! So I wouldn’t worry about offending by not attending the first part of the day. I would let them know you misinterpreted it and now you realise what the invitation is actually for (I.e. a bitty, second tier waste of a day where you’re asked to kindly fuck off for a few hours while we feed our tier one guests) you will just come to the evening.

Might help them realise that they’re likely to have a few confused and mortified people looking at the table plan for the reception and wondering why they’re not on it…

Why oh why do so many people insist on hosting the kinds of weddings that they can’t afford and then treating friends and family so rudely in the process?! If you can’t afford to feed someone, don’t expect them to travel up early to build up the numbers in church and make the pictures look good, just to then hang around before they’re allowed back. Embarrassingly rude.

I wouldn't be wasting fuel on their ceremony.

You're a second tier guest, who they don't plan to feed like their first tier guests. Just go to the evening portion if you want to celebrate with them or don't go at all.

That is awful How embarrassing for those poor people who thought they were invited for the whole day only to find out they weren't welcome

What’s to work out? Tell them you didn’t realise but now you have, you can’t justify all that travel and expense for an evening do but that you wish them well. Why do people worry so much about offending people when THEY are the ones that have been treated rudely? Tbh even an evening invitation for someone far away is rude, it’s so arrogant to think anyone would want to travel
so far just for that part of the party. For me, evening invites are for work colleagues, and local not-close friends. I have never been offended to get an evening invite apart from the time it was in Scotland and we live in the south of England. So much better not to invite us at all!

It's the meal? It's always been called a wedding breakfast. I've never heard it called anything else?!

If you can’t afford to feed someone, don’t expect them to travel up early to build up the numbers in church and make the pictures look good, just to then hang around before they’re allowed back. Embarrassingly rude.

Again - why are people making this assumption?

No offence but you are probably not as important to a couple's wedding photos as you think you are!

They probably invited you because they thought it would be lovely for evening guests to also be extended an invitation to come to the ceremony, so they can be involved in more of the day if they want to.

Challenge your assumptions. People are probably not being as malicious as you think.

Believe me, it was about saving them money. Also, as we had to buy flights to Australia it was not a nice gesture to invite us. There were only about 30-40 people at the 'make us look popular' bits either end. Also, asked for cash or 'decent wine'. Ha ha ha. These are DH's friends. He was shocked, as were the other guests sent to hang about and feed themselves for 6 hours. Cheeky fuckers pure and simple.

That's odd I've never heard of only going to the ceremony and not the reception. Are you sure she hasn't put the wrong time? It's a bit much to expect you to a journey for half an hour then come back 6 hour's later for the evening do.

Why not just invite to the evening do? Wedding breakfast is usually just for those in the wedding party. Close family and bridesmaids etc.

Similar to a PP I was a bridesmaid at a wedding where they had a really confusing set up (I didn't realise they had done this til the day). They had:

• ceremony only
• ceremony and evening
• ceremony meal and evening
• evening only

The ceremony people were kind of clear (I would have been pissed off and not gone personally but each to their own) what they were invited to but the ones who had hours to kill in the middle bit either didn't know and we had to tell them (awkward) or were asking for advice on where to go for the middle bit (I wasn't local and had no clue).

Just awful and created so much unnecessary stress which the bride and groom avoided in the main but it was so awkward especially for a few people who only realised when they arrived at the venue and their name wasn't on the seating plan

My cousin had a wedding like that , we were invited to the whole day but others only to the ceremony and evening reception. It was so awkward as some guests turned up at the wedding breakfast and couldn't understand why they weren't on the table plan. They had invited 200 people to the ceremony but only 70 to the breakfast. I still cringe now thinking about it.

When I got married (early 90s) it was very common. The wedding breakfast was usually for family and closer friends, and involved a sit down meal, speeches etc. The evening tended to be more relaxed, ie, disco and buffet, and involved wider friends, neighbours, work colleagues etc. No one thought it was strange, because it was the accepted norm of the day (and no one got offended by an evening-only invite).

Seems totally clear to me. You’re invited to the wedding ceremony and evening party.

If you’re local, then pop home. If not and you know other people it can be fun to go to lunch and chill with each other.

But if its too much effort just politely decline.

It’s because she has been formally invited to both parts. There’s a big difference between an invite to the evening with a note to say it would be lovely to have you at the ceremony if you’re around earlier on and it fits with your plans. So thinking of the guests and their enjoyment. But sending a formal ‘split’ invitation comes with an implicit rudeness because it there’s more of an expectation of attending the ceremony and it completely ignores the fact that such an arrangement is horribly inconvenient to most people. There’s no choice been offered up and no recognition or consideration of it potentially being inconvenient and unappealing.

The fact that the OP didn’t even realise at first that the invitation was split means that it’s presented as an invitation to arrive at 2:30 or whatever, go away and come back again later. Not an invitation to the evening do with an ‘of course we would love to see you at the ceremony IF IT SUITS YOU’. For me that’s a massive difference. This bride and groom want people at their ceremony and then to go away again, that’s why I think it’s probably all about the show. No one with half a brain cell invites people this way because they think the guests will like it.

Just go to the party.

I think this is the worst part. This will always happen to at least some people - the OP misunderstanding shows that. Imagine how mortified those poor guests will be, just why would you put people in that position?!

For me, evening invites are for work colleagues, and local not-close friends. I have never been offended to get an evening invite apart from the time it was in Scotland and we live in the south of England. So much better not to invite us at all!

Agree with this. It is rude to invite people who live far away to a small part of the wedding. People have travel costs, hotel accommodation, outfits etc all for a few hours of a disco. The music’s usually too loud to even get a proper chat with the bride or groom. Better not to invite them at all.
I’m happy to go if it’s local but for several hours drive or a flight I would decline

I would say something came up at the last minute. So will only be able to make the evening do. Have you got any pet's? Use an excuse you had to get them to the vet's or something like that.

I’d never heard of it until mumsnet so I can well imagine people not realising. How awkward to be at venue and realising you are not on seating plan.
It’s always been full thing or just evening do that I know if.
What do they expect you to do for 6 hours?

"Hi friend, Just to let you know in case numbers at your ceremony are an issue: due to the logistics we would love to join you to celebrate in the evening but won't make it to the ceremony. Very much looking forward to it XX OP."

I don’t think I would go. I’ve never been invited to a part of a wedding. All my friends invited all their guests to the whole thing, as did I. If someone is worth inviting, they are worth inviting to the whole thing. I think it makes it quite complicated having a tiered system with different classes of guests.

We had a similar invitation years ago. Luckily for us the wedding was nearby. Lots of our old university friends were in the same boat (basically all of them actually - I think the wedding breakfast must have been a very boring affair for the best man. and bridesmaids, as it was basically just family). Anyway, we had all our old university over for a garden party between wedding ceremony and evening do. We all had a blast. Turned up at the evening event to find a pay your own way bar (not even one drink on arrival). Needless to say we were all thoroughly unimpressed and didn't stay long. We all felt used as we had spent a considerable amount on presents from the very expensive wedding list and they showed us no hospitality. But we had a great time at our house :-)

PS ever since then I have had no compunction about turning down invitations that don't suit, including child-free weddings. One friend complained about virtually no school friends going. My answer was that sadly if you get married when everyone else has children and you choose not to invite the children to any part of your wedding, then you can't expect people to be able to come.

My way is the only polite way.