My Dad says I do nothing to help him...aibu?

[youknowitsnotthesame]

I'm 36 and my dad is 77.
I live with my partner and he lives alone.
I stay with him 1 night a week just to keep him company really.
I'm an only child and he has a 2 year old dog.
He is still really active /fit /goes to the pub twice a week with his friends /walks etc
He constantly has a go at me and says I don't help him.

I go to the supermarket twice a week and get him anything he needs.
This morning he said "you don't go for me,you only pick my stuff up when you go for yourself"

I ring him twice a day and pop in daily(even when not staying )

When he had covid I was here daily,getting his newspaper /taking the dog out /getting any bits he needed.

Monday night he went to the pub and when he came back his dog had ripped a newspaper.
This morning he said "you didn't think about coming over yesterday and tidy the mess up"

It's constant.
He just constantly says I do "nothing for him"
My partner says I do more than enough.
Anything my Dad wanted I would do for him.
He could ask me to drive two hours to pick up his favourite tea bags and I would just to make him happy .

Aibu? Do I do more ?

I mean the obvious option is the literally do nothing for him until he apologises for his behaviour. If you can’t see that, I think you probably need to access some therapy for self-esteem/confidence issues.

Whatever you do it will never be enough in his eyes. the more you do, the more he will expect. You will never do enough to satisfy him and you risk ruining your relationship and losing yourself if you keep trying. Set the boundary of what you feel is reasonable and enough then stick to it. Ignore the whining and the me, me, me you get from your dad, he is going to do that regardless of what you do. If he is an unhappy, angry person then nothing you do is going to change that, but he keeps you dangling by suggesting he wouldn’t be angry and unhappy if you were a better daughter. Shut out the noise of his poor me echo chamber, offer what you reasonably can and then live your life.

It's a very difficult situation. I imagine your mam looked after him well and he is missing that. My dad is a widower also and just completely lost without my mother. Its very hard when you suddenly become a carer and are also trying to manage other parts of life.Your doing as much as you can and are entitled to live your own life aswell ❤️

It’s expected as he’s a man and you’re a woman and these things are expected of by a woman. FFS.
decide what you want. Move away, have a life. Have a career or child. Decide what you are willing to do and tell him and stop the rest. If it’s like this now then it’s going to get worse. They’re some kind of emotional incest type abuse where a dad expects the daughter to do the housework and emotional support if a mum.

just stop today and tell him you owe him nothing

You are doing far too much for him and he has become complacent and entitled. He is probably a bit scared underneath it all that you'll withdraw all help, so he is challenging you in order to trigger a guilt response. And it's working! There will come a day when he will genuinely need care and you will already be so far up to your armpits looking after him that being his full time carer will seem like a natural progression. Unless you are happy for this to happen, you need to set your boundaries now and stick to them. I speak from bitter experience.

Tell him you are not a replacement maid for your mother.

What i was thinking, but better articulated!

If you lost your mum young, does this mean you have been doing all that for him without a word of thanks on top of your carer responsibilities for years now?
You need to live your own life. If dog is too much for him to handle, he should look into re-homing.

Can he get to the shops?He can then do his own shopping or when you go to the supermarket take him,he does his own shopping whilst you do yours.Take him home after he puts it all away and you go home.He can decide what he buys and cooks.I imagine he takes the dog out and meets people daily on his dog walks.Start by reducing the phone calls and stop the overnight tell him you have your own life with your partner and are very busy.He won’t like it but tough you need your own life do not not feel guilty you can do this.

Yeah I work 30 hours a week.
We don't do anything socially as when I invite him out for meals etc ...his answer is why would I go out for food when I have a cooker.
The nan caring role was expected of me...it started off odd things now and again ...then before I realised I was there full time.

He is fit enough to go to the pub when he wants to. He is therefore got enough to do his own shopping. He is lovely to others but not to you. He has got you where he wants you and he knows it. You are not his metaphorical punch bag for when he is down you are his lovely daughter
I think you have got yourself into a cycle of trying to please him and the more you try the less appreciative he gets. You need to get off the roundabout.
Stop staying once a week. He is 77 not 97 and it would be generous of you if he was 97. Just say you want to spend every night in your own home.
Of course you do his shopping with yours. Does he expect separate journeys for his? Don't be so available and needy of his approval. The more you show you need it the less you'll get it.
I used to be a bit like you ...but less extreme. When I became less available and amenable I was treat a lot better.
Step back a bit. Be a bit forthright occasionally. If there isn't a reason not to go round occasionally invent one. He won't want to lose you. 💐

You are doing plenty as others have said. A week off explaining why might focus his mind....
Though my reaction might waver harsher or more lenient depending on...
*Was he a good helpful dad
*Was he always like this but now you're
his only focal point
*He's old and is a drinker, if there's been a
change in his behaviour could his
memory be a factor and is getting more
argumentative to hide it or through
frustration.

Good Luck

What @IncompleteSenten said.
Do exactly nothing for a while - see how he likes it.
and resume former help only after he’s apologised - as if he means it.
Probably a tall order though, given that he sounds like a selfish, entitled old git.

Exactly this, and on top of that he’s demanding, ungrateful, and nasty. He’s even got you thinking you might not be doing enough for him! If he’s this bad now, think what he might be like in 10 or 15 years when he’ll be less physically able and possibly a lot less mentally able. Time to put a stop to his bullying or you’re in for years of misery.

Do a reasonable amount to help him if you want to, but call him out when he whinges that you’re not being quite enough of a servant. If he doesn’t like that, tell him he’ll have to manage without you, and leave him to it until he apologises.

And do not even think of driving for two hours to get him special tea bags. That isn’t helpfulness or kindness, it’s showing him just how much of a doormat you’re willing to be, and it will encourage him to treat you with even more contempt.

"he's all I have left"

Is that any reason to put up with his shitty attitude? Have you ever tried standing up to him?

So sorry OP, but this sounds abusive. You are being run ragged by this man, who is not behaving like a loving father should, and I expect he is enjoying watching you struggle.

You really need to step back, and put boundaries in place, and now. Because this will only become worse as he gets older and becomes infirm/forgetful and it will break you.

You are a kind, loving person and you need to think of you and your life with your partner, and your future together.

Whatever you do for your father, it will never be enough for him. There will always be complaints, criticisms and negativity. I totally get that you want to support him, despite his treatment of you, but you cannot pour from an empty jug. Your dad will not change and, most likely, will get worse. You cannot change that - but you CAN change how you respond to it.

Boundaries all the way, stick to them, KNOW that you are doing your best, put on the Teflon overcoat and be prepared to step back altogether for a while if you need to. You can refuse to talk to him and disengage from any conversation where he is rude or unpleasant and that won't make you any less of a person.

If you haven't already come across them, I really recommend a look at the 'Stately Homes' thread (re. children of narcissistic or unpleasant parents) - www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/3786141-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-January-2020-onwards?page=1. And also the Cockroach Cafe threads (for people dealing with sometimes challenging older parents and associated issues) - www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4285096-Cockroach-Cafe-newly-refurbished-for-the-summer - there is much kindness and wisdom there from people who know exactly what's like.

I would also recommend researching the "Grey Rock" technique - some of that might be helpful.

Best wishes to you, whatever you decide to do. But please look after yourself. It's possible to be his daughter without being his victim. You're a good person and he should consider (though he won't) how lucky he is to have you. xx

OP, he's a completely ungrateful arse, and nasty, moany and rude with it. Don't put up with it!

What does he do for YOU?

Your h is right - you do too much for him. He's 77 and, fit and healthy. Time for him to do his own cooking, filling his freezer, etc. Don't spend time with him if you don't like him.

Have you ever told him how he upsets you and how rude and ungrateful he is? Maybe you should. Be very matter-of-fact: 'Dad, I come over here every day, I do X and Y for you, but nothing is ever enough. You never say thank you, you're always moaning that I don't do enough, so I'm going to stop doing anything for you. I'm not going to come over for a couple of weeks. I hope this gives you some time to realise how much I do for you, and for you to think about how you treat me.'

Just because he's your dad doesn't mean you have to run around after him, especially if the relationship is all one way. You might benefit from counselling to see why you do this. Time to put yourself first!

You’ll never be enough for people like that; the harder you try the greedier they get. The fact he’s charming to others yet ungrateful to you is pretty telling. He doesn’t appreciate you and he takes you for granted because he doesn’t respect you. He thinks you’ll meekly follow orders as it’s your place because you’re obligated to him.

You can’t chose your parents but you don’t have to accept abuse just because you’re unlucky enough to be born into it. Stop going round all the time, running errands and hoping one day he’ll show approval. Listen to your partner, you’ve done enough. Let your dad learn humility and how to value people who are kind to him. Gratitude is a valuable lesson to learn.

What we he do if you made a joke out of it every time he complained?
“What now, you forgot how to put tea on?”
”So you want me to make a separate trip to the market just for you?”
”Well what did you do for your old man?”

Laughing, smiling, in the kind of tone and with the kind of humor that you think might get to him. (That above would work on my Dad).

Does he do this when your spouse is there?

OP, according to you, he's fit and healthy and is capable of socialising independently with his own mates. He's not on his own by any means, or in need of help.

As hard as it is, I think I'd do less for him and tell him why, and put some boundaries firmly in place.

If he actually needs your help later in life when he's poorly, he might appreciate your help then. He certainly doesn't appreciate it now, or by the sounds of it, really need it.

I know your miss your mam, but running around unappreciated after the parent you have left is no substitute for being loved and appreciated by a dearly departed one. Value yourself more highly - your mam thought you were amazing. Can't you see that in yourself too?

Let me just say you do more for your dad then any other person I know. Going in daily, doing his shopping, staying every week. That is LOADS. I would find his remarks extremely hurtful - you're doing all this and instead of appreciating it he just complains?!? I'd get angry if I were you. How dare he?

Jesus! What an ungrateful grump. I'd cut back if he's being so mean. You do far more than most!

Did you say you were at his house while he was at the pub, and he then had a go because you didn't clear up after the dog?
Just checking I understood right, because why were you at his while he was at the pub? I hope it wasn't to do his cleaning.

It is going to be hard to change the family dynamics- but you need to take control.

Off topic but related, is your mother still around? If not is he angry about that? Does he have resentment he’s not living out his retirement with his partner?

You do plenty for him just sounds like he’s angry about something. In no way excusing his behaviour as it’s awful and I would honestly start doing less for him or have a frank conversation.

He is taking the piss. Completely.