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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Dad says I do nothing to help him...aibu?

193 replies

youknowitsnotthesame · 06/07/2022 09:04

I'm 36 and my dad is 77.
I live with my partner and he lives alone.
I stay with him 1 night a week just to keep him company really.
I'm an only child and he has a 2 year old dog.
He is still really active /fit /goes to the pub twice a week with his friends /walks etc
He constantly has a go at me and says I don't help him.

I go to the supermarket twice a week and get him anything he needs.
This morning he said "you don't go for me,you only pick my stuff up when you go for yourself"

I ring him twice a day and pop in daily(even when not staying )

When he had covid I was here daily,getting his newspaper /taking the dog out /getting any bits he needed.

Monday night he went to the pub and when he came back his dog had ripped a newspaper.
This morning he said "you didn't think about coming over yesterday and tidy the mess up"

It's constant.
He just constantly says I do "nothing for him"
My partner says I do more than enough.
Anything my Dad wanted I would do for him.
He could ask me to drive two hours to pick up his favourite tea bags and I would just to make him happy .

Aibu? Do I do more ?

OP posts:
StClare101 · 06/07/2022 10:09

My 76 year old Dad does all of that himself. As he should. Just stop. And ignore the rants. Simply tell him you are not his slave, he’s perfectly capable and if he’s not you’ll help him look into care homes. Job done.

bridgetreilly · 06/07/2022 10:09

Doing more for him won’t, I’m afraid, make him any happier. But doing less for him may well make you happier, OP.

Mary46 · 06/07/2022 10:10

Op my mam 80 he sounds same set in their selfish ways. All about them. You do alot. You can do no more. If he gets more demanding take a step back. I found my mam was grinding me down.

diddl · 06/07/2022 10:10

Do you ever see him socially at all?

Pop to each other for a chat?

Walk the dog together?

I agree to let him fend for himself whilst you are away.

He doesn't need a roast & veg every day!

Sometimes we have beans on toast as our main meal or soup !

theleafandnotthetree · 06/07/2022 10:11

youknowitsnotthesame · 06/07/2022 09:55

You know what I think it is,when I was a carer for my nana I never went anywhere,I was unhappy and lonely.
Now I don't have that responsibility and have a partner /days /meals /holidays etc he doesn't like that I get out and about.

Today when I rang him the latest is he is tired.
The dog wakes him up a couple of times during the night and he can't get a good sleep.
He knows I'm terrified of something bad happening to him like my mam-
I worry about him because I lost my mam young and he is all I have left

With respect, the way he is acting makes him unworthy of feelings of 'terror' of something happening to him. It sounds to me like he brings a lot of grief and trouble but as your only living parent (have you siblings?) you have trapped yourself into an unnecessary role of caring without boundaries or expectations around how he should treat you. It wouldn't matter if he was the last living soul on earth, he shouldn't speak to you like that or burden you as he does. He has a giant hole in him that no amount of care from you will fill so you may as well mostly suit yourself and help out to a degree that YOU feel comfortable with. And he's a healthy 77 but he will die at some stage in the next decade by thr law of averages, nothing you can do to stop that. Focus on your other relationships, fun, work etc and build a fuller life so that he doesn't occupy such an out sized part of it.

AryaStarkWolf · 06/07/2022 10:16

Why does he think you should make his dinner, you're not his mother and he's not a child, seems like a sexist kind of attitude he has there. Also, why wouldn't you get his shopping while you're getting your own? Seems highly impractical to go separately

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 06/07/2022 10:16

Well he isn't going to stop being angry and miserable so you might as well stop doing so much for him.

Definitely stop staying overnight. And stop shopping and tidying etc - if he can go to the pub he can go to the supermarket. He will actually feel better doing more for himself, it will keep him busy.

Don't let your worries drive how you treat him or how you expect him to treat you. He is not "all you have left" you have your own partner and your own life now.

Phobiaphobic · 06/07/2022 10:17

Your dad is a manipulative narcissist who thinks that women exist to look after men.

Maurepas · 06/07/2022 10:17

Ask him what he is currently doing for you.
Ask him what he plans to do for you in the future.
Spell out to him what a miserable, depressing and demandingly unattractive person he is.
Will you really miss him when he passes away? Not really.
By the way he can get food etc. delivered and bought online from supermarkets, amazon etc. Tell him to use them.

Holymole · 06/07/2022 10:18

Blimey you do more for him than I do for my dad and mine has a serious illness!

If anything I'd start doing less, sounds as if he takes you totally for granted and doesn't appreciate you at all. Why are you acting like his carer when he's perfectly capable of doing all this for himself? Fair enough go and visit, but does he need you to get his shopping?

LaFloristaCalista · 06/07/2022 10:18

He's a lazy pisstaker and I suspect misogynist as well. I would seriously cut down on how much you help him

StridTheKiller · 06/07/2022 10:19

I'd put him in a care home.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 06/07/2022 10:20

There's only one person who can change this situation and that's you.

onlythreenow · 06/07/2022 10:20

Your Dad is being ridiculous and demanding. I am an only child and my Dad is almost 89, and the only thing I do for him is pay his bills online as he doesn't have a computer!

Bournetilly · 06/07/2022 10:20

YANBU he doesn’t have any health conditions, is fit and well and goes out to the pub, he’s capable of doing it himself.

You do more than enough but I honestly think you should stop doing it. Tell him you are going to do nothing from now on. Don’t do anymore for him until he apologises.

OopsAnotherOne · 06/07/2022 10:24

It's also just occurred to me that if you don't feel up to a confrontation, you could take this the complete opposite direction and call his bluff.

"Dad, I've noticed recently that you're becoming more and more unable to look after yourself and I think it's time we look at carehome options. You need me to cook for you, clean up after you, do your shopping etc, and at 77 if you can't do these things yourself I think full-time care is appropriate as I can't keep up the role of unpaid skivvy. Let me know which care homes you want to go and look around and I will arrange a viewing".

This might make him slightly less needy.

MummyJ36 · 06/07/2022 10:24

Do you work OP? I’m just wondering as he seems to think you have infinite time to respond to his every whim. Even if you’re not working at the moment I’d put some boundaries in by saying “I’ve got X on this week so if you need shopping/dog walking/cleaning I can do it on X date at X time but I’m sadly not available around it”

When people get older they seem to forget that the younger generation often have external pressures on them and aren’t just there to be full time carers. I don’t think you should withdraw all support but putting in some timed boundaries I think would help manage his expectations. If he calls and asks for stuff outside of the stated times if either to pick up or reiterate that you can do it on the day and time you’ve already agreed. I’d also consider perhaps pulling back on staying overnight if you only live 5 minutes away.

user143677433 · 06/07/2022 10:25

You say you lost your mum when you were young. Have you been fulfilling the role of housewife to your dad ever since then, or is it a more recent thing?

You also mention you were full time cater to your nana. Was this your active choice, or something that was expected of you?

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 06/07/2022 10:25

If you flip it my dear brother lives near our mum, similar ages, I swear to god he phones up to get her to run errands for him. I'm not saying he never does anything to help but it' s once every month or two he'll do something like tech support with her phone. This is your dad totally treating you as his support human and being emotionally abusive to manipulate you.

RoseslnTheHospital · 06/07/2022 10:26

YANBU. He expects you to behave as if you are his wife not his daughter with your own life. You do way more than anyone would expect for your dad, he is completely in the wrong to complain.

If you continue with this level of support for him you will have to choose to ignore the complaints, or you could do as others have suggested and demonstrate for a week or so what its like if you actually do nothing for him. But his attitude seems very ingrained, so I doubt that would get you very far.

Fraaahnces · 06/07/2022 10:27

Tell him that you are not your Mam (before you turn into her) and that he needs to either pay someone to do his cleaning, etc or go into a nursing home.

Booklover3 · 06/07/2022 10:29

You are doing too much for him

countrygirl99 · 06/07/2022 10:30

You can't change the way he is but you can change how you react. You are in control of your reactions. You can either carry on as you are or accept that whatever you do it will never be enough and he will aways be a miserable git and do whatever you are happy with.

Notanotherwindow · 06/07/2022 10:31

Tell him you're his daughter, not his mother!

AchatAVendre · 06/07/2022 10:32

You do loads for him OP. He is a very lucky man, but he sounds ungrateful and manipulative. Cut back.