My Dad says I do nothing to help him...aibu?

[youknowitsnotthesame]

I'm 36 and my dad is 77.
I live with my partner and he lives alone.
I stay with him 1 night a week just to keep him company really.
I'm an only child and he has a 2 year old dog.
He is still really active /fit /goes to the pub twice a week with his friends /walks etc
He constantly has a go at me and says I don't help him.

I go to the supermarket twice a week and get him anything he needs.
This morning he said "you don't go for me,you only pick my stuff up when you go for yourself"

I ring him twice a day and pop in daily(even when not staying )

When he had covid I was here daily,getting his newspaper /taking the dog out /getting any bits he needed.

Monday night he went to the pub and when he came back his dog had ripped a newspaper.
This morning he said "you didn't think about coming over yesterday and tidy the mess up"

It's constant.
He just constantly says I do "nothing for him"
My partner says I do more than enough.
Anything my Dad wanted I would do for him.
He could ask me to drive two hours to pick up his favourite tea bags and I would just to make him happy .

Aibu? Do I do more ?

That's really sad.

He does just seem to see you as someone who should do stuff for him.

When you said about driving for 2hrs to get teabags to make him happy-it wouldn't would it as he would just expect it of you & not see it as any particular effort on your part.

I know it was only an example of what you would be willing to do, but the flip side is that no reasonable person would want you to.

They'd rather less time fetching the teabags & more time spent with you over a cuppa.

Time for a new routine and habit.
Absolutely do not fill up his freezer!
He is taking shameless advantage of you. Shocking behaviour, but he has been indulged all his life.
Treat him how YOU would expect to be treated as a fit healthy active older person.

We don't do anything socially as when I invite him out for meals etc ...his answer is why would I go out for food when I have a cooker.

Does that means that he cooks you a meal at home? Otherwise if he wants to see you then he has to invite you out for a meal. You don't have to always invite him or cook for him.

If he can afford to go to the pub he can afford to take his daughter out for a meal.

You’re being a mug and taken advantage off.

he is capable of shopping etc. So let him.

stop staying over. It’s not really helping him but enabling him to be a whiny woe is me grumpy arsehole.

he can do other things. Find other activities etc.

He can use a cooker. He can fend for himself.

doesn’t mean you cut him off but you need to grow a backbone and step back from this carer/ enabler mentality.

live your own life.

You don’t ‘have him’. He has you tho. His attitude is absurd.

Just be wary op. My mother would be happy someone there each night so we never started it. They get very entitled.... She ask me one year where my hotel was as I might be needed.. so I realised she would rule my life if I let her. I have strict boundaries now with her. She has to wait sometimes til it suits us not her.

He wants you to be his cleaner and housekeeper! Just no. There's no reason why you should be shopping for him or cleaning up for him if he's capable of those things himself. I'm genuinely shocked by his attitude.

Entitled is a very good word to use... We then find we are doing all sorts, tears, sad faces and emotional blackmail will often be used. They want things done THEIR way. There was a poster the other day who gently agreed with her Mum that they get POA, got all the certificate providers lined up. All documents signed and then 3 months later the POA was presented to the Mum. She declined it at the last fence (but still expected every thing to carry on as normal).

It is about time we pushed back on this selfish behaviour.

This is like domestic abuse! Was he abusive to your DM / previous partners?

Set your boundaries and stick to them.

Sounds like a man who thinks woman exist to skivvy for him.

I was an only child & always felt guilty if I didn’t help my DF as much as possible. It nearly created a permanent wedge between myself & my DH as I was almost putting my DF first.
I think you are doing an enormous amount for your DF, especially as he is able to get out & about independently. There will come a time when he will need more assistance as he gets older, but that time isn’t here yet.

In the meantime, this is definitely emotional blackmail, something that only children have to put up with sometimes. When there are other siblings to help out (if they are willing/able to do so) it’s a lot easier.

You need to be brave & tell him you are doing your best & if that’s not good enough for him….tough. Explain you have your own life too & you are already stepping up to the mark. In my own experience, the more you do the more you’ll be expected to do, maybe with no understanding or gratitude….it’s’expected’
So, you’re doing loads for your DF, do not feel guilty & do not do any more.

Don't be manipulated by him and yeah you need to stand your ground as his requests are more than unreasonable. He's expecting you to wait on him.

He needs to sort his head out, you are not his slave.

He just constantly says I do "nothing for him"
My partner says I do more than enough.

Yourpartner is right.

Do as @StrangeCondition suggests and go on strike (except perhaps for walking the dog, poor thing). Don\t engage. Don't pick up the phone*

He treated your DM and his first wife just as badly - this suggests that this isn't loneliness or illness, but that a he is just an entitled *rse. I know it's very easy for us to say just let him stew for a while, but it's more complicated for you - he's your dad and you love him, and it sounds like he's your only close blood relative, too. This makes it very difficult for you to detach emotionally.

I don't envy you - it's hard. But you are entitled to a life of your own, and it sounds as though you need to spoil yourself having looked after other people for so long.

*But expect a "medical emergency"

i agree with this

He is using guilt to manipulate and control you.

Why are there so many several months old threads being bumped all over the place?

I'd significantly cut back what you do tbh! If he is going to be unhappy anyway, you may as well save yourself the effort. He doesn't sound in need of care.

Because of the prompts at the end of threads showing similar threads.
Users click on them and don't look to see how old the thread is.