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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Dad says I do nothing to help him...aibu?

193 replies

youknowitsnotthesame · 06/07/2022 09:04

I'm 36 and my dad is 77.
I live with my partner and he lives alone.
I stay with him 1 night a week just to keep him company really.
I'm an only child and he has a 2 year old dog.
He is still really active /fit /goes to the pub twice a week with his friends /walks etc
He constantly has a go at me and says I don't help him.

I go to the supermarket twice a week and get him anything he needs.
This morning he said "you don't go for me,you only pick my stuff up when you go for yourself"

I ring him twice a day and pop in daily(even when not staying )

When he had covid I was here daily,getting his newspaper /taking the dog out /getting any bits he needed.

Monday night he went to the pub and when he came back his dog had ripped a newspaper.
This morning he said "you didn't think about coming over yesterday and tidy the mess up"

It's constant.
He just constantly says I do "nothing for him"
My partner says I do more than enough.
Anything my Dad wanted I would do for him.
He could ask me to drive two hours to pick up his favourite tea bags and I would just to make him happy .

Aibu? Do I do more ?

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 06/07/2022 09:31

I have this with my elderly parent... Drives me nuts...

I started withdrawing.... To show how much 'nothing' I was doinf.

What worked for me? Anything he could easily do himself, but just didn't fancy it... And wanted to add more to the already lengthy list of stuff I do for him...

After you've finished x and y (tasls for him), do z, and while you're there e, f and g too...

He has form for treating me as unpaid flunky...

No dad I'm not doing that I've done enough... You can do it... And repeat ad finitum

Blobblobblob · 06/07/2022 09:32

I mean this nicely... But you are actively encouraging this behaviour by tolerating it.

He's venting his frustration onto you. It's your choice to accept this treatment, or not.

Stand up for yourself and mean it. He isn't going to change unless you do so.

user143677433 · 06/07/2022 09:33

Help him to arrange a paid housekeeper and then stop all of that kind of activity yourself. Just visit him as a daughter rather than as a housekeeper.

romdowa · 06/07/2022 09:33

You need to start treating him like an adult. If my father rang me and said anything like that to me. I'd tell him to cop on 🤣

Justmuddlingalong · 06/07/2022 09:35

Do nothing for a few weeks. No shopping, no phone calls, no staying over. By withdrawing all you do, it will give him a chance to realise how much attention and support he's been receiving. Ungrateful sod.

caringcarer · 06/07/2022 09:35

I bet your Mum used to wait on him hand and foot. Now he has rediculously high expectations. You are doing lots for him. Sounds like he can still manage on his own anyway.

DyingForACuppa · 06/07/2022 09:36

I'd withdraw all my help for couple of weeks, let him cope on his own and see exactly how much you do do for him.

Yep. This. Does he actually need all this help or is he in fact perfectly capable of shopping and cleaning but doesn't because he's used to women doing it for him? My dad is a similar age and does all that himself (at the moment, he does have mobility issues so I know he will need help in the future).

Original poster
youknowitsnotthesame · 06/07/2022 09:36

He has always been the same way.
Always been miserable
It's nothing new unfortunately
He was the same way with my mam and my mam told me his first wife (hence the reason it's his ex wife )

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 06/07/2022 09:37

Ah he wants you to act like a dutiful wife and make sure the entire house is run perfectly including having his meals done for him

Stop doing everything. When he complains say “well you said I wasn’t doing anything so I did just that. Nothing”

Original poster
youknowitsnotthesame · 06/07/2022 09:37

You know what's hilarious
He will be speaking to me like crap then his friend will ring and he will be a totally different person.

OP posts:
FlickyCrumble · 06/07/2022 09:38

When my Mum died my Dad and Grandmother assumed I’d move back home to keep house! I mean WTAF!!! Leave my London life and go back to small village 400 miles away to look after a man that should be able to care for himself? I thinks it’s just an old fashioned way of thinking but after a chat

Original poster
youknowitsnotthesame · 06/07/2022 09:38

@DyingForACuppa nope he can manage perfectly his self but we fell into a routine.

OP posts:
SirChenjins · 06/07/2022 09:38

youknowitsnotthesame · 06/07/2022 09:37

You know what's hilarious
He will be speaking to me like crap then his friend will ring and he will be a totally different person.

My dad used to do the same to us - because he knew he could get away with it. Others outside the house would have rounded on him and told him where to go.

thebabessavedme · 06/07/2022 09:39

He is being pretty damn selfish OP, I think you need to start standing up for yourself now, as you say he is fit and active, can get himself to the pub and has friends.
I would start insisting that he does his own shopping (if he can get to the pub he can get to shop) I would also stop staying over night, he plainly has a social life and can take care of himself.

I speak as an older woman whose own parents now need more and more of my time and help, I love them dearly and do as much as I can but I have made it quite clear where I draw the line, ie, I dont do their cleaning, they can easily afford a cleaner and while that continues to be the case I am not doing it. They are set up with online food deliveries if they dont want to go to the shops, although I will help in the case of forgotton milk etc.

At the end of the day you have a relationship of your own that you need to nurture, you have a life of own you need to live, you must not let your df, however much you love him, take this from you.

FlickyCrumble · 06/07/2022 09:39

Sorry posted to soon…. After a chat he realised it wasn’t going to happen and that actually he d always wanted more from his daughter than someone who ends up keeping house for a partner.

mellicauli · 06/07/2022 09:40

He told you to come and clear up the mess that his dog made? Cheeky git. Tell him that if he's well enough to go to the pub, he's well enough to tidy his house and do his own shopping.

Original poster
youknowitsnotthesame · 06/07/2022 09:41

Up until 2 years ago I was a full time carer for my nana ( mams mam ) and I had zero life ...so I've had my share of responsibility.
I just want to have a life now

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 06/07/2022 09:41

youknowitsnotthesame
You know what's hilarious

He will be speaking to me like crap then his friend will ring and he will be a totally different person.“

Stop facilitating.
Next time he starts , immediately get up, say when you stop speaking to me like crap, dad and apologise, I’ll be happy to visit again. Then leave.

OopsAnotherOne · 06/07/2022 09:42

He's a bully OP and you're encouraging this behaviour by not standing up to him.

I'd echo other posters by suggesting you say something along the lines of "Dad, I do more than enough for you. This week alone, I've done x y and z. If you think I do nothing for you, then I will do nothing from now on, and when you realise how much I've actually been doing for you, my door is open for an apology".

Then withdraw everything you do for him, so he can see for himself just how much you do. If he apologises he will likely have the expectation that you'll accept the apology and go back to being his unpaid servant. I'd explain that the previous situation of doing loads and being consistently unappreciated no longer works for you so you won't be adopting the previous system, but will be more than happy to help him arrange for paid home help to come in and clean/cook for him.

Gamerlady · 06/07/2022 09:43

Sounds like my mum they use emotional blackmail to make us feel guilty.. I also only live a few minutes away from her .. she expects me to drop everything to suit her needs.. been this way since dad died.. bare in mind I also work 4 days a week and have a family of my own. I have now distanced myself as it was making me ill .. you need to do the same for your own health .. he'll then realise that you actually do alot for him .

5zeds · 06/07/2022 09:43

So do nothing for him and see how it goes? My mums in her 80s and shops and looks after herself and comes over for a chat when she wants to see me.

FAQs · 06/07/2022 09:43

He is being abusive! Coercive control comes from different relations and relationships.

SteamingHind · 06/07/2022 09:44

Then have your own life. Let him rot - he'll sharp realise he has to do his own stuff rather than leave it for you. A few weeks of peace and quiet will do you the world of good

jeaux90 · 06/07/2022 09:45

You are not his support human.

He sounds extremely entitled.

Time to draw new rules up OP

Justmuddlingalong · 06/07/2022 09:45

And the guilt you'll no doubt feel will be strong. Your determination to stop him taking the piss just needs to be stronger.