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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Dad says I do nothing to help him...aibu?

193 replies

youknowitsnotthesame · 06/07/2022 09:04

I'm 36 and my dad is 77.
I live with my partner and he lives alone.
I stay with him 1 night a week just to keep him company really.
I'm an only child and he has a 2 year old dog.
He is still really active /fit /goes to the pub twice a week with his friends /walks etc
He constantly has a go at me and says I don't help him.

I go to the supermarket twice a week and get him anything he needs.
This morning he said "you don't go for me,you only pick my stuff up when you go for yourself"

I ring him twice a day and pop in daily(even when not staying )

When he had covid I was here daily,getting his newspaper /taking the dog out /getting any bits he needed.

Monday night he went to the pub and when he came back his dog had ripped a newspaper.
This morning he said "you didn't think about coming over yesterday and tidy the mess up"

It's constant.
He just constantly says I do "nothing for him"
My partner says I do more than enough.
Anything my Dad wanted I would do for him.
He could ask me to drive two hours to pick up his favourite tea bags and I would just to make him happy .

Aibu? Do I do more ?

OP posts:
noirchatsdeux · 06/07/2022 11:08

My ex FIL is 85 - Until lockdown he went skiing at least twice a year, and a good few other holidays abroad, on his own or with friends. He belongs to a walking club and virtually every weekend he is off on a long walk in the countryside with them. He also bowls, and with all his hobbies has a lot of social events he attends as well.

He lives on his own in a large 3 bedroom house and copes with it fine. My ex H works long hours and is lucky to see his Dad once a month...he doesn't do any shopping, cleaning etc for him...his Dad wouldn't dream to ask.

For his recent birthday they went to see the Rolling Stones together. Your father really needs to grow up and realise the world doesn't revolve around him.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 06/07/2022 11:09

My mum used to say the same, I did so much for her,I honestly couldn't have done more and she still complained. I think what she really wanted was a servant to boss around.

PermanentTemporary · 06/07/2022 11:14

I certainly did nothing like this for my dad or my mum. I don't think that makes me a worse person.

I think the fact that he won't spend any time with you as dad and daughter is disgusting. His response to your nice invitations is disgusting. His angry abuse of you is revolting and it's very telling that he can switch it off to chat to his friends.

I get that you love your dad but I'm afraid he is not showing any love for you as a person. Does he ask you about your life, know what's happening with you, support you or listen to you?

He doesn't physically need any of the things you do for him. Don't do them. Start a new routine. Go and see him as his daughter, maybe twice a week or whatever you want, and have a cup of tea with him. If he's rude to you, get up and leave. Reward him for being a dad, a friend, talking to you. That's the bit that matters.

Nanny0gg · 06/07/2022 11:15

youknowitsnotthesame · 06/07/2022 09:04

I'm 36 and my dad is 77.
I live with my partner and he lives alone.
I stay with him 1 night a week just to keep him company really.
I'm an only child and he has a 2 year old dog.
He is still really active /fit /goes to the pub twice a week with his friends /walks etc
He constantly has a go at me and says I don't help him.

I go to the supermarket twice a week and get him anything he needs.
This morning he said "you don't go for me,you only pick my stuff up when you go for yourself"

I ring him twice a day and pop in daily(even when not staying )

When he had covid I was here daily,getting his newspaper /taking the dog out /getting any bits he needed.

Monday night he went to the pub and when he came back his dog had ripped a newspaper.
This morning he said "you didn't think about coming over yesterday and tidy the mess up"

It's constant.
He just constantly says I do "nothing for him"
My partner says I do more than enough.
Anything my Dad wanted I would do for him.
He could ask me to drive two hours to pick up his favourite tea bags and I would just to make him happy .

Aibu? Do I do more ?

Withdraw for a while and let him see the difference.

MintedVinted527 · 06/07/2022 11:25

How would your DF cope if you lived miles away ?

He would have to do his own shopping, cooking, cleaning, socialising or pay someone to help or do online shopping

Does he drive or have a bus pass & can he get to the shops himself ?

Stop staying overnight now

You need to put some boundaries in place

Lots of people live on their own, independently & are much older than your DF

Rosehugger · 06/07/2022 11:31

I suggest he pays for a cleaner or housekeeper.

elisenbrunnen · 06/07/2022 11:31

Anything my Dad wanted I would do for him.He could ask me to drive two hours to pick up his favourite tea bags and I would just to make him happy . - WHAT? This is not healthy. Seriously, do you think it will make him happy? Because people like that, people you have to appease - are NEVER happy. It's NEVER enough. You have obviously spent your childhood and adulthood trying to appease him, to make him love you. He won't, he never will, it's not what he wants. He wants to control you, to keep you down and bending over backwards for him.

Stop doing it. Take a huge step back (if you can - it's hard to reset your desire for a loving father) and see if he will look at you differently. I don't think he will - he will just get more sly about it, but it's a battle between you now.

I had a family like that. Constantly being the loving daughter/sister, but they just walked over me, like I had no feelings. I haven't seen my father in 30 years, or my sister in about15. I don't miss them, and I feel twice the person I was.

rwalker · 06/07/2022 11:34

He sounds lonely the problem is long days nothing to do . They become very insular the world is about them. Unfortunately even though will genuinely think this is the case even though it couldn't be further for the truth

AchatAVendre · 06/07/2022 11:34

Anything my Dad wanted I would do for him.He could ask me to drive two hours to pick up his favourite tea bags and I would just to make him happy

Golly. What with this and the poster who claimed that cleaning other people's houses for free yesterday made her "joyful", I'm beginning to wonder whats going on on here!

dawngreen · 06/07/2022 11:37

I think he needs a care package of sorts. He needs a person to visit daily that is not related to him. Then when you visit he can put the world to rights so to speak telling you how they don't do things his way. I think his feels lonely and feels his age.

FinallyHere · 06/07/2022 11:37

He constantly has a go at me and says I don't help him.

I'd give him a taste of what low contact really is. What doing nothing really means.

It's a kind of begging g, to get you to try harder. Just ... don't.

Decide for yourself what you will do. One weekly visit, maybe make one meal while you are there. That's what I did for my mother and she was consistently grateful.

Try it. Good luck.

Januarytoes · 06/07/2022 11:40

I get that it will be hard for you to stand up for yourself after so long.

In your position I would have to fib to get the conversation started. Either say you have COVID, as a PP suggested before, or say you have a new job/hobby that takes up all your time, or actually GET a new job/hobby that takes up all your time, or say your partner needs you tonight/all week etc.

You could order some Tesco shopping for him the first time and have it delivered. Then leave the order on repeat and he will have to deal with it.

I feel very sorry for you and many many women have been in this position for years. Time to decide for yourself how much you actually want to do, such as go only once a week, and do ONLY that.

My mum used to take round a cooked dinner for her mum every night but only when she was quite poorly in the last few weeks before she died.

I pop in regularly to see my mum and she makes me a cup of tea, I sometimes do little jobs that are too difficult for her but I don't do much unless she's actually ill.

KittyKittyKat · 06/07/2022 11:41

You’ve managed to make yourself into a dogsbody for an ungrateful asshole.

I’d say to him that you’re going to be busy for the next few days, so you’ll see him on Sunday.

Hopefully he’ll appreciate what you’re doing. But probably not.

It wouldn’t surprise me if he had a “nasty turn” or perhaps a “fall” before your holiday. Just to keep you in your place and at his beck and call!!

Pipsquiggle · 06/07/2022 11:48

I think the issue is that he presumes that you will carry on your old carer role with him.

You do a lot for him. Don't feel guilty. He sounds miserable and draining.

Could he get a hobby like bowling - gets him out and about during the day

flower04958 · 06/07/2022 11:54

Err this is really unhealthy...you're 36?! You should be living your life and taking care of your own responsibilities, not serving your (clearly quite capable) father!

Honestly I understand the constant pressure of being an only child and how hard it can be sometimes but you've got to assert yourself and step away, else it'll only get worse. Out of interest, who was he caring for at 36?

whynotwhatknot · 06/07/2022 11:54

Op have you posted before about this he wo9uldnt let yo9u go on holiday or something because of the dog

either way youre not his carer or slave he goes down the pub fine he can do all th rest himself also no need to stay there-youre enabling him

puffalo · 06/07/2022 11:55

You deserve to have a life and not have it dictated by him.

Withdraw help, go on holiday, don’t let him ruin it for you (I imagine he’ll ring you every day whining about things to ruin your holiday), and then when you come back strip help back to the very basics and once a week or so.

You will never make him happy, he will never appreciate you. So do enough that you feel comfortable with it and then go and live your life. You will never change anyone’s habits which have been formed over a lifetime.

Happyher · 06/07/2022 11:56

You’re his daughter not his carer and not a replacement for your mother. You’re behaving like any loving daughter would. It’s not your job to do his housework if he is capable himself, though I suspect you would do more if you knew he couldn’t. He sounds a bit depressed and men his age have no idea how to deal with it. Going to the pub gives him companionship no doubt but I wonder if he is drinking too much for his health.

Most of my friends who have elderly parents have some kind of issue so you’re not alone. I can only suggest you grit your teeth and do what you consider is reasonable. Give him some kind of treat now and then when you can. My Dad drove me nuts after my Mum died, but I remember him with fondness now he’s gone and don’t allow any guilt feelings as I did my very best with him

Dozycuntlaters · 06/07/2022 11:57

Are you the poster whose dad wants you to stay in saturdays so that he can go to the pub?

Regardless of that you really need to step back. Whatever you do, it will never be enough and he will just want more and more from you. he's had his youth, his younger years, his relationships. Don't let him rob you of yours.

puffalo · 06/07/2022 11:59

KittyKittyKat · 06/07/2022 11:41

You’ve managed to make yourself into a dogsbody for an ungrateful asshole.

I’d say to him that you’re going to be busy for the next few days, so you’ll see him on Sunday.

Hopefully he’ll appreciate what you’re doing. But probably not.

It wouldn’t surprise me if he had a “nasty turn” or perhaps a “fall” before your holiday. Just to keep you in your place and at his beck and call!!

100% agree. Or one during the holiday so OP has to rush back a day in and then there’s nothing wrong with him, to the point where he won’t have even rang for an ambulance or went to the GP the next day if it was minor.

It’s just so unbelievably sad that some parents would rather abuse their children for the last few years of their lives than actually enjoy that time with them and make wonderful memories. Really heartbreaking, to be honest.

LateAF · 06/07/2022 12:01

IncompleteSenten · 06/07/2022 09:08

Tell him ok. I do nothing for you? Right. I will do nothing for you and when you realise how much 'nothing' I'd, give me a call to apologise.

Then I would do exactly that!

I agree with this approach.

Same approach you would take if someone is critical and unappreciative of your cooking. Stop doing it altogether- and make sure he knows that it’s because he’s said you do nothing for him. Then he might learn to appreciate the “little” that you actually do.

He won’t starve- there’s online shopping. If he can make it to the pub, he can make it to the shops. His choice to get a dog so he can look after it etc.

Tallisimo · 06/07/2022 12:05

He isn’t old, unwell, unable. He isn’t friendless, bored, isolated. He’s just unwilling to see you as a daughter rather than an unpaid servant.

I would simply stop doing all these things for him. Tell him you’ve had enough and that you won’t be at his beck and call any more. Stop staying over. Stop allowing him to dictate your life. Tell him NO!

Chooksnroses · 06/07/2022 12:14

IncompleteSenten · 06/07/2022 09:08

Tell him ok. I do nothing for you? Right. I will do nothing for you and when you realise how much 'nothing' I'd, give me a call to apologise.

Then I would do exactly that!

I agree totally! Your dad sounds fit. If he can get to the pub he can get to the shop, and he can do his own tidying. My husband is 78 and disabled, but will still struggle to make me a cup of tea and will use a grabber to tidy up around his chair. Your dad has no excuse.

Purplecatshopaholic · 06/07/2022 12:19

If you put up with this nothing will change. You can’t change his behaviour, only your own. Don’t put up with this shit, you are entitled to your own life!

BruceWaynettaSlob · 06/07/2022 12:21

Why would you do anything just to make him happy? Does he hold something over your head to guilt you into being his slave?
This is not a healthy relationship, op.
You sound miserable and on the verge of a full burn out.