My Dad says I do nothing to help him...aibu?

[youknowitsnotthesame]

I'm 36 and my dad is 77.
I live with my partner and he lives alone.
I stay with him 1 night a week just to keep him company really.
I'm an only child and he has a 2 year old dog.
He is still really active /fit /goes to the pub twice a week with his friends /walks etc
He constantly has a go at me and says I don't help him.

I go to the supermarket twice a week and get him anything he needs.
This morning he said "you don't go for me,you only pick my stuff up when you go for yourself"

I ring him twice a day and pop in daily(even when not staying )

When he had covid I was here daily,getting his newspaper /taking the dog out /getting any bits he needed.

Monday night he went to the pub and when he came back his dog had ripped a newspaper.
This morning he said "you didn't think about coming over yesterday and tidy the mess up"

It's constant.
He just constantly says I do "nothing for him"
My partner says I do more than enough.
Anything my Dad wanted I would do for him.
He could ask me to drive two hours to pick up his favourite tea bags and I would just to make him happy .

Aibu? Do I do more ?

This is what I would do.

You say he lives alone, is that by circumstance or by separation/divorce? It reads to me like he is looking for a live in housekeeper or even a wife to do these chores that he feels are beneath him to do.

I'm guessing, going only by what you've written that he has learned helplessness. If he has a social life, he can arrange to hire a cleaner and he can be shown how to order groceries online and how to be more independent rather than reverting into his shell and blaming everyone around him when things don't get done.

Just picking up on this point you raised @youknowitsnotthesame - "He's angry all the time."

It's not your job to make him happy. He has to find it in himself to be happy. You don't have to hang around while his angry, and I'd actually say that to him - "Dad, you're so angry all the time. The dog eating your newspaper is not my issue to fix. That's your dog and your newspaper in your home. You have to tidy it up. It's not my mess to fix" and say it with a stern but kind voice.

Our mother is like this. It’s worse for my sister as she lives round the corner but visits her every other day and every weekend. I use my work holidays to visit or WFH at hers for two weeks every couple of months. Phone her the days my sister doesn’t visit. Still not enough.

Tell him ok. I do nothing for you? Right. I will do nothing for you and when you realise how much 'nothing' I'd, give me a call to apologise

this.

you do too much.

do less.

do only what he can’t do for himself.

You say that he is "all you have left" - but you have managed, against the odds from the sound of it, to find a lovely DP, who sounds like a good'un. He sees that you're doing too much, you're going on holiday to Cyprus........how very dare you step away from your dogsbody role to have a life!
I think the suggestion of Covid from PP's is a possibility, or maybe oblige him to put on a bit of a pretence of pleasantness. If your lovely DP popped round with the groceries, I bet he'd be civil (not to impose on DP, but to unsettle the pattern)

Just smile and say don't be silly Dad I do loads for you, stop being ungrateful. Water off a duck's back.

I don't get why posters have to advocate withdrawing help and going no or low contact. It's all the extreme reaction on here.

It's your Dad, he's elderly, he's turned into Victor Meldrew. Honestly it wouldn't even bother me.

He can manage perfectly his self but we fell into a routine

So fall out of it again if you wish - just as you could have done it with your nan you can do it with him too, especially as he's fit and well and this just comes down to being unpleasant

If you choose to pull back he may or may not realise how much you were doing for him, but what's the worst that can happen?

I wonder if you could benefit from some counselling tbh. Your lack of boundaries is unhealthy and probably stems from being raised by narcissistic manipulative controlling father and losing your mum so early.

"He knows I'm terrified of something bad happening to him like my mam-
I worry about him because I lost my mam young and he is all I have left" this is a pretty worrying statement. You don't have to be at his constant beck and call to have a functional relationship with him. You don't owe him daily servitude.

On a practical level if my father was claiming he was unable to manage his activities of daily living I would say that I could not cope with the level of support that he was needing and we would have to refer him to a physio/OT to see what support he needs. If he's capable of washing and dressing and walking to the pub then he is capable of doing some dishes/getting his shopping. Does he have any health issues which would mean that he wasn't capable?
Realistically though you are going to find it very difficult to withdraw support because of the conditions you have lived under for such a long time.

It's OK for you to have your own life. Your DP seems like a good support on what expectations are reasonable.

Let him sort himself out.

He is not elderly and incapable or in need of help, he can do his chores himself. He sounds perfectly capable and in charge of all his faculties. And if he has nothing else to do all day long it's best to let him at the very least take care of himself and his own home.

Start taking care of yourself and loving yourself a bit more.

@youknowitsnotthesame

You need to stop.He's a fit and active 77 year old with no health issues.You don't need to be staying overnight to keep him company,doing his shopping or going around to let his dog out.

He can do all of the above himself.He views women as housekeepers and submissive to men.

Don't fall into this trap;he could easily live another 20 years or more;do you want to be sending the next two decades as his maid?

My DGM could be like this. Always wanting more and more but only from the women in the family. She just did not understand that my life was completely different to hers (she had a husband, cleaner, ironing lady) and I was a single parent.

You have to stop doing so much. Otherwise, you will have no life at all.

OP,

He sounds like an awful man.

You have been reared to place no value whatsoever on your life.

The only person who can change this dynamic is you.

Do not fill his freezer.
Enjoy your holiday.
Do NOT contact him while you are away.

Discuss moving further away from him.

You have wasted enough of your life being used by family.

No matter what you do it will never be enough.

Pull back.
See him once a fortnight and stop shopping and mindind his dog.

If he gives you furthet abuse, see less of him.

You are just another woman being used as a skivvy by a man.

You can change this dynamic.

Counselling could be very helpful for you.

Oh, and stop the staying overnight once a week immediately, you don’t need to do that living 5mins away. Tell him you’ve extended your holiday to 2 weeks, have a week with your husband in bliss when you come back. You owe him nothing because you are female only.

Aibu? Do I do more ?

I've read all of your updates...in answer to the above - NO!

Do less. Go a couple of times a week, he can do his own shopping, clean his own mess and walk his own dog.

Bit blunt, but I got stuck in the constant shopping, calling here or there, hairdressers every Friday (even on the day after my DH had a heart attack 🤯 ) with my mum. AND I lived a 2 hr round trip away that she thought took 10 mins 🤦‍♀️

He's quite capable, but you're a free and willing servant. You need to stop. Now.

If you had a brother I can guarantee he'd never say it to him. Do you have children? If so has your Dad ever helped you with childcare?

I feel incredibly sad for you reading this OP. I really hope you have the strength to stand up to him and encourage him to rely on you less and to treat you better. You deserve a happy and fulfilled life and at the moment you are being abused and bullied by your dad.

We do a set day. Strict boundaries now. Otherwise 1 errand became 10 things... Very hard op. I had tell my mam we work time is limited mid week. She very hard work at times

I somehow think the OP isnt going to do very much. Her words are worrying in that she says she would do anything for him... why? I recognise he is her Father but how dare he treat her like this - yet she puts up with it and I fear will continue to do so.

She is enabling this behaviour sadly.

"I'm your daughter, not your wife" on repeat. "Can't you do that yourself?" also works.

No, you don't do more, he's got unreasonable expectations and nothing short of you moving in would meet his requirements. He's 77 not 97, fit and healthy and if he wants a housekeeper and cleaner then he can employ one. You are entitled to have a life of your own, it's not your job to make him happy.

This is interesting as I have a similar problem. In fact, this morning I was seeing a medical professional about my health and they told me that I am very stressed out. I can tell you why that is. It is because on top of work, GCSE's, other DC's needs, keeping house, dealing with all the chores when DH works away and the dog.......I have my dad and other male family members on my back constantly.

My own dad has more family and more friends than you can imagine. He also hikes the 3 peaks, he is fitter and healthier than anyone I know. He has us and his step family running round after him like R2D2 and C3PO, but guess who is the person (the only female left in the family) who is the one who gets called every day and told about bowel movements, how no one cares about them, how no one has called them that morning, how they are fed up and don't want to talk to anyone (why are you calling me then)....it's me. Also the men in my family call ME up to tell me he's having an off day and I have to deal with it. I don't have a penis, therefore it is my job to be the emotional sponge.

As mentioned, I am being treated for high levels of stress. A few months ago I was in A&E with a suspected heart attack, but it was just stress.

My mum got like this. I remember the last Christmas she had, she moaned at me that I should have helped her wrap the presents she had bought people because that’s what a good daughter would have done. I ignored her and you should ignore your dad’s comments too.

You do far more than I used to do for my Dad.

He got an almost daily phone call. An occasional pop in visit, my presence for a meal if he offered to cook and I would invite him to my flat for dinner sometimes too.

I'd have laughed in his face if he expected me to do his supermarket shopping routinely.

He used to get requests from me more often to wait in for plumbers or deliveries....

I had this with my dad (to a much lesser extent) years ago. I took myself out, left him to his own devices and waited until he could be civil and appreciative. It didn’t take long and then I continued helping out.

FWIW, I do think you do too much. It is OK to stand up for yourself and put you first. I would definitely stop the sleeping over regardless of what happens. Why doesn’t he go to the shop if he can manage to get to the pub and the races? Stop being his skivvy and start thinking about your own boundaries.

WTF

i would do nothing for him for a week now.

When he calls asking for stuff, tell him that he constantly says you do nothing for him - so what exactly is his problem with you doing nothing?

When you resume, tell him he will need to stop being cantankerous.

Show him you won’t stand for this shit.

THERE ARE TOO MANY WOMEN ENABLING THIS BEHAVIOUR!

I also speak from having both late 80's parents still with us. One in a care home and the other living singly.

You just must set boundaries and old people need to be civil. Some people on this thread give example after example of what they do and clearly have no intention of changing. The PP who says her Father calls her everyday. Stop answering, why are you listening to drivel. You say its because you are a women. Well women up and stop letting it happen!

I am sorry to sound harsh but I am sick of old relatives running rings around us all and worst of all some let them!