My Dad says I do nothing to help him...aibu?

[youknowitsnotthesame]

I'm 36 and my dad is 77.
I live with my partner and he lives alone.
I stay with him 1 night a week just to keep him company really.
I'm an only child and he has a 2 year old dog.
He is still really active /fit /goes to the pub twice a week with his friends /walks etc
He constantly has a go at me and says I don't help him.

I go to the supermarket twice a week and get him anything he needs.
This morning he said "you don't go for me,you only pick my stuff up when you go for yourself"

I ring him twice a day and pop in daily(even when not staying )

When he had covid I was here daily,getting his newspaper /taking the dog out /getting any bits he needed.

Monday night he went to the pub and when he came back his dog had ripped a newspaper.
This morning he said "you didn't think about coming over yesterday and tidy the mess up"

It's constant.
He just constantly says I do "nothing for him"
My partner says I do more than enough.
Anything my Dad wanted I would do for him.
He could ask me to drive two hours to pick up his favourite tea bags and I would just to make him happy .

Aibu? Do I do more ?

I'm going away to Cyprus for a week in august so he will have to fend for himself.
I was going to fill the freezer before I left ..but might just let him do it now.

Stop it. Tell him. Dad you're fit and healthy, you do not NEED someone to take care of you, cook for you and clean your house. If you want someone, hire a housekeeper.

So fall out of a routine.

Tell him it's time for him to put his big boy's pants on and sort out his own life.

The one option that is no longer on the table is his continuing to monopolise yours, particularly when he's so rude and ungrateful. You'll be seeing him on your terms, and if he's going to be a churlish, entitled bastard, obviously that will impact on just how much you want to waste your valuable time on him.

And then leave him for a good few weeks, so he knows you're serious, and has to sort himself out.

He treats you very poorly.

He's an abusive bully when you look at it in the cold light of day.

He’s a selfish man-child. Being old doesn’t excuse his emotional abuse. Neither does being your parent.

In your shoes I’d pull back on support and tell him exactly why. If he wants to address his behaviour and rebuild his relationship with you then that’s his prerogative. If not, enjoy your life guilt free. You weren’t put on the earth to serve other people.

He's lonely and lazy.
Don't do more.
If anything do less. Next time he complains sit him down and list what you do. Make it clear that you're happy to do this unless he keeps complaining. Whining that you do your own shopping at the same time so you're not really doing it 'for him' is a bloody cheek and frankly narcissistic.
I would give an ultimatum, unless he stops moaning about this you will stop helping. Get his shopping in and then a week of radio silence. No calls no visits. That's what doing nothing actually looks like!

Absolutely this ☝

Tell him ok. I do nothing for you? Right. I will do nothing for you and when you realise how much 'nothing' I'd, give me a call to apologise.

Then I would do exactly that!

this ⬆️

"Anything my Dad wanted I would do for him.
He could ask me to drive two hours to pick up his favourite tea bags and I would just to make him happy "

Why is that? Do you think he's thinking about making you happy when he speaks to you like shit? Why are you so eager to please a man who treats you this way?

Give him a taste of his own medicine. He can look after himself until he learns to treat you with some respect.

You're supposed to tidy up for him? Why can't he tidy for himself?

And why does it matter if you do his shopping at the same time as yours? What difference would it make to him if you went to all the faff of making a separate trip for his stuff?

Basically he thinks you should be his live-in maid. Tell him if that's what he wants, he needs to pay for it.

This. Get a backbone and say no! He's an adult perfectly fit and healthy and able to look after himself

Ask him what support he feels he needs. I wonder if he is depressed or has a health issue. My nan got very angry before her dementia diagnosis is he normally angry or is it out of character?

You do enough. He is not old and infirm, he's fit and active. It will never end, he's guilt tripping you into doing above and beyond for him. My mother did the same to me. It was like "boiling frog" syndrome, It slowly turned from reasonable requests into unreasonable ones. I felt guilty when I had children and had to priotise her "list". When the second child arrived, I realised that my children came first, and I'd only do necessary things for her.

She got grumpy and didn't chat with me like she used to, just complained alot about things I hadn't/wouldn't do. I ended up confiding in friends, they were shocked, by her behaviour. I took a massive step back. I'd call once a week, visit at the weekend with their grocery shop. I'd help with getting repair guys in. Once every 2 months I'd take her to get her hair done but told the staff to book her a taxi home (3 streets away). I had 2 small children and it wasn't reasonable for me to run around after her.

What are you to do when you have children? You cannot continue like this. Write a list of everything you do. Prioritise the important ones and stop doing the rest. If he wants a gardener/cleaner/hot meals he can pay for those services etc. Look after yourself, otherwise your mental health and relationship will suffer.

You know what I think it is,when I was a carer for my nana I never went anywhere,I was unhappy and lonely.
Now I don't have that responsibility and have a partner /days /meals /holidays etc he doesn't like that I get out and about.

Today when I rang him the latest is he is tired.
The dog wakes him up a couple of times during the night and he can't get a good sleep.
He knows I'm terrified of something bad happening to him like my mam-
I worry about him because I lost my mam young and he is all I have left

@Whatever00 no this is him
He was the same with my late mam,he's been like this for years

@IncompleteSenten
you seem to have have expressed this well for most of us!

You have replaced your Mam doing all the ‘wife work’ for him. Please do not let this be your life. He could last another 20 years and you would have wasted all that time being his slave. He a bully.

You are not your Mum

My DH and I are in our late sixties and seventies. Far from expecting our daughter who lives 5 minutes away, to help us, we regularly help her because she has a family and works full time.

Your dad is being selfish and demanding.
If I were you, I'd book a fortnight's holiday somewhere and let him manage. Then when you come back, have a frank conversation about online shopping, and what he can reasonably expect you to do.

He might need more care as he gets older but the time hasn't arrived yet.

Stop
Enabling him

In your situation I would actually do less for him.

I was scrolling through looking for you to say whether he's always been like this or if this is a recent change in behaviour.

He's got a long history of treating the women closest to him like servants, so I'm reassured it's not anything triggered by a health issue.

So, what happens if you tell him straight; "I'm your daughter not your skivvy" or "you say I do nothing, let's see what nothing really looks like".

Just because he's your parent, he doesn't have a free rein to treat you badly. Just because you're his daughter, you don't have to put up with it.

I hope you're able to get to a better situation with him but honestly, don't be over optimistic. He's always been like this, it'll be hard for him to change.

Do you have a job as well as looking after the overgrown child? If not, tell him you have covid and take 10 days off.

he is all I have left

This is not true. You have yourself - you are enough, you are amazing! And to add to that, you have a partner, who sounds like they appreciate your worth.

I understand that losing your mum young - and then caring for and, I think it sounds like, losing your nana too has been hard and makes you fearful of another loss. But that doesn't mean that this man gets a free pass to treat you like his servant. You are worth more.