Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome into our newly refurbished cafe. We've got rid of the Bad Daughters' bench - it was getting too small - and refitted the main room as a Bad Daughters' room, with comfy sofas, coffee, chocolates and drinks of your choice. (There is a good daughters' room - go down that corridor there and you'll find it tucked behind the stairs. It's not yet been fully furnished - we haven't had a visit from a Good Daughter in I don't know how long).

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Thanks dint love what you’ve done to the place!

Oooh coffee and chocolates...need that after my camping trip.

It was boiling while we set up the tents etc then pissed down for the remaining 48 hours. Couldn't have a campfire and the stove gave up the ghost after one cuppa.

Ultimately though it gave me lots of time to offload and talk with lovely bestie. There were a lot of tears but I think that's a good thing.

Still feeling a bit rough and overwhelmed, hay-fever not helping.

Mum behaved whilst I was away but was sobbing down the phone late last night complaining that's she's terribly lonely. She had a phonecall from one friend and a visit from another on Tuesday and L round yesterday (which I suspect triggered the crying fit), so has hardly been on her own the whole time.

Interesting that she doesn't have a meltdown until I'm round the corner...

@MintyCedric
Why is it that the oldies try to guilt trip people ?
Phoned my mil up yesterday who tells me she wished herself dead / will kill herself as she sees no-one . That woman goes out more than me !

That woman goes out more than me ! Reality doesn't come into it when you're feeling lonely or depressed. If anything, it makes it feel worse.

But it's not all oldies. My father is infuriating, but he never tries to guilt trip me. Oldies are just as varied as any other group in their ways of upsetting other people.

And of course what might just seem as cheek from a neighbour or friend feels like guilt tripping from a parent, the legacy of being dependent on them yourself.

Must be difficult for oldies on their own, who want to offload their feelings of hopelessness about the future, but don't have/no longer have a partner to offload on to. The natural thing then is to go to one's children. Doesn't make it right, but it's understandable.

My, this is comfy.

It's a crisis week over at the in-laws's which is probably what the situation needs because without a crisis I doubt that anything will ever change. I suspect that the outcome will be intermediate care, she's medically fit but not safe at home.

Minty mum used to go on about how she never left the house and I listed the shopping trips, library visit, opticians and hearing assessment. She had forgotten all of them, in her mind she never went over the doorstep but it simply was not true.

Thank you for the new thread Dint

DF's funeral was a couple of days ago, so we are now out of that awful period of limbo, and I have to really get down to tackling all the bureaucratic stuff.

I am also worrying about frail and disabled 84-year-old DM now permanently alone in a huge, fairly isolated and totally unsuitable house, reliant on a stairlift to get to the loo and to bed; the stairlift has been making alarming creaking and grinding noises for a couple of weeks, but the earliest engineer's appointment the company can offer her is three and a half weeks from when she first called, despite charging her several hundred pounds a year for a maintenance contract. I just called and they won't budge. Not impressed.

But (searching for silver linings here) I am hoping that this sort of thing may help me persuade her that now is the time to move into a sheltered flat: there are some absolutely ideal ones near me which are part of larger complex including care and nursing home provision. They are also nearer some of her surviving friends, with accessible bathrooms and kitchens, lunch in the dining room available, a little library, lovely gardens, and best of all, other people around to talk to if she wants, and help on hand 24 hours a day. My father would never have moved there, but I think she might.

How are you feeling @exexpat?

I've found it's hit me harder since the funeral than beforehand.

The places near you for your mum sound lovely...I wish mine could be persuaded to go for something similar but she will overthink and analyse everything to death and never make a decision so I guess we will have to reach a crisis with her physical health for anything to change.

One of the things that fills me with horror is moving to a flat with lovely gardens that I'm not allowed to work in.Still, as long as my father is with us, I don't think anyone will dare suggest to us it's time to downsize.

Hi 👋
Very nice! (Looks around approvingly)
Mum moved into her sheltered flat in October and is the most content she's been since dad died (8 years ago)
It's ground floor, away from the road, short walk to centre of village.
I'm trying to convince her to join my db and family for 4 days on holiday - she usually goes with them for 4 days each year.
The break would be lovely!! for me

Thanks for the new thread Dint. Lovely to see the place fitted out for the summer.

I've been trying to catch up on DM's garden as I was concentrating on getting other tasks done, especially while the weather was so grim. But of course it is like painting the Forth Bridge, no sooner is one task finished than another pops up to take its place. I'm so bloody tired.

nota would love to take on your DMs garden, I really enjoy having other people’s gardens to play in. But it’s grim if you don’t like gardening or don’t have time for it. It’s like washing up. No sooner have you done it than it needs doing again.

Comfy sofa, thanks Dint.
All quiet here, my parents are starting to venture out again. The charity that is involved for my dad can take him on outings again so once a week they get a break from each other which helps them, and me, so much. Still concerned about mum as she does everything for him and won’t hear when I say he can do more. The physiotherapist was in this week and he wouldn’t try the exercises again once she left but mum makes excuses as ever. She has lost weight and is looking really small, I’ve spoken to her but she says she is fine, (just a martyr to my dad as she has been for their whole married life…….)
How do I get her to think about herself for once?

Dint I said "housework" rather than "washing up" but that is otherwise word for word the conversation I had with my neighbour. My garden hasn't looked this good in years although that's not saying much. Mum's garden is not looking its best, half an hour twice a week is enough for the grass but not much else. My current strategy is to stand at the gate, tackle what looks worst and give up when I fill the garden waste bin. I have the phone number for her gardener so hopefully he will return it to its usual manicured condition and I can run round the grass while I'm there to collect the post.

I've had an assurance from The Family that social services have been told that I'm not available for inlaw care because of my mother. I'm still jumping when the phone rings and practising my "no" in case I need it. I have no doubts at all that if I hadn't backed out after the carpet cleaning episode I would now be hip deep in the current crisis. I've said before that it needs a crisis for things to change and it was the same for me, I wouldn't have been able to say no if I hadn't been pushed past my limits.

Exexpat the admin is something that you can do as you want and you don't have an audience, it was a relief to get the public performance of the funeral out of the way. The sheltered accommodation sounds lovely and now that normality is just around the corner all the facilities will be opening up.

Sorry for the essay, my friend is dealing with her own inlaw issues at the moment and I have literally no-one to talk to.

I think we all know we don't need to apologise for using this space to vent knot.

Vent away knot
knot do I remember your dm having a gardener? Could that help? Finally found a decent one for mum- reliable and thorough. And takes his shirt off when warm!!
Cockroach all!

@Groundtoahalt

How are you feeling *@exexpat*?

I've found it's hit me harder since the funeral than beforehand.

The places near you for your mum sound lovely...I wish mine could be persuaded to go for something similar but she will overthink and analyse everything to death and never make a decision so I guess we will have to reach a crisis with her physical health for anything to change.

I hope everyone here won't think me heartless when I say I feel absolutely fine - nothing but relief, really.

DF had nearly died so many times over the past two decades, including one bout of sepsis years ago that put him in ICU for weeks and hospital for months and left him permanently disabled, that his death felt like it had been hanging over me for ever, so when it actually happened, it did not seem like such a big thing. His quality of life was crap, he was almost certainly in the early stages of vascular dementia, he was no longer able to return to the house he loved so much (too much...), he accepted that it was time to go.

He had so many things wrong with him that it is quite remarkable he survived so long. If he had been younger and fitter the surgeons would have amputated one or both his legs this year due to diabetic and vascular issues and infected bone, but he was too frail to survive that kind of operation so he had the prospect of creeping bone infection and possibly gangrene to look forward to. Sometimes death is not the worst thing that can happen to someone.

It all feels very different from when my husband and my sister died.

Afternoon, anyone fancy a cuppa in the bad daughters room?! Just left DM, she has driven me round the bend. I am going away on Sunday for 2 nights to a lovely spa/golf/tennis hotel to unwind, relax and have some fun. Well you think I was emigrating to the other side of the world! Non stop self pitying comments-I don't know what I will do on my own for 4 days, I'm going to be so lonely-I guess I will just sit in my chair and watch tv like I do every day (We had just been out to the supermarket and then for a cuppa at the beach cafe).

I point out that it is only a couple of days, I need a break etc and she says oh I know you do, but I will be so lonely, blah blah and it all starts again. She has carers 5 times a day, she is hardly on her own but clearly wants me to do everything, not them. Phone is going off during the day and I will be calling her once each evening.

It's making me so resentful that she relies on me so much. I lost my Dsis 2 years ago and not once has she asked me how I am coping. Everything is about her and how awful her life is. I try and be sympathetic but there is a limit to my patience!

Hope everyone is ok especially expat and minty

China or Indian or builders? How many sugars? Or gin? Earl grey for me!!
Oh onthepiste im sorry. Go and don’t look back.I would have said there is no signal so don’t expect a call(did when we went away recently)
Just had dm telling me she was sent having the booster jab because the jabs have made her unwell( not that I’ve noticed…….)
Shall I top up the pot?

A strong English Breakfast Tea for me please. And I'll have a slice of the naughtiest cake you've got going!

I had a mad dash on Wednesday. My uncle was supposed to visit her but couldn't because my cousin's son had had to come home from school to isolate after close contact so I had given myself time to get ready to catch the bus only for the OT to ring and say that mum was moving the next day to rehab. So I had a mad dash to pack up some clothes, only just caught the bus and made it for my visiting slot.

She moved yesterday and I had a phone call from the family liaison lady who was so lovely. She can only have one named visitor (me) and I can only visit once a week for 30 minutes by appointment. So I am going to see her tomorrow with some more clothes which will all be labelled.

I had a message this even from a FB friend that I don't know really, just an acquaintance, but she works in the rehab hospital so she has been chatting to mum and said that she was a bit shell shocked but cheerful. She has her own room with an ensuite bathroom and tv.

The hospital will help her to make phone calls and will set up Face Time if she wants to do that and I can ring her any time for a chat. I have bought her a new mobile phone though so hopefully she will be able to use it.

No news on whether or not she will actually be able to come home but I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

Hairbrush they must really think she's going to benefit from this if there were 29 on the list for transfer but she's moved already.

It's going to be hard for you to have a day that isn't centred around her but it would be good for you both to develop lives that aren't so focussed on each other. It's like when your children start school, they have a life that you aren't part of. When you're not visiting you could be away on holiday, eating chips on a pier, hiking up a peak, drifting round an art gallery - whatever floats your boat. This is your chance to take some time for yourself and actually relax. I didn't find the transition easy, I suddenly had all this time, no commitments, I could do what I wanted, when I wanted and I didn't know what to do with myself.

Try not to think about the future, when/if she'll be coming home. It's going to happen whether you worry about it or not because it's out of your control. I think intermediate care is funded for six weeks so I'd plan for it being a six week stay. You could redecorate the house in that time (I couldn't, I've spent more time than that not choosing paint for my bedroom). She's getting out, meeting people, having more social interaction than she's had for a while. You could be doing the same.

Mum's place was a really nice environment, it totally changed her views of what residential care looked like. Massive bedroom and wetroom, airy corriders (all for wheelchair access), little reading nooks, dining tables set for six with tableclothes and napkins. When you compare it with a hospital stay - well there is no comparison.

Have a nice weekend, do something for you (I cleaned the porch out but each to their own)

I went to see my Mum the other day for the first time in a year. I live overseas and haven’t been able to get back. She has been reasonably pleasant to me for the past four years since she ended up in hospital for a few weeks and I took some time off to settle her back home.

After the initial 24 hours, the pleasantness wore off - she didn’t call me “shit as a daughter” as she has before, but there was a litany of complaints of all the things I have done wrong in my life “and now won’t be able to put right”, most of which came from my teenage years. All very petty and trivial - like a birthday card that didn’t arrive, and also my husband choosing a navy suit for our wedding “when your father looked terrible in navy, and he was so angry”. I’d spent four days with her in a relatively short break, which included a funeral and a hospital appointment. She has no interest in her grandchildren (never has) and the latest complaint is that it is my fault that she doesn’t have a close relationship with them.

So please pass me a huge piece of cake (“Aunt Rachel thinks it’s terrible that you’ve got so fat. I was so embarrassed when I had to tell her that you’re a size 24” - wtf, and I’m not anyway) and an enormous gin (“Don’t you worry about your liver? It’s also very fattening, alcohol…”).

I thought my mother said some preposterous things but that lot is outrageous. Still, now you know. Future visits have to be less than 24hours

I've probably earned a rare good daughter badge today. Dad had a fall very early hours yesterday. DB1 was summoned to help him up but as he was in a lot of pain and has osteoporosis and has had a lot of fractures he called an ambulance. They thought it was bad bruising but took him in for a check over. DB1 was on standby all day to collect him but no call. DM has dementia and she was giving us all different stories about what ghd hospital was saying. Hospital refused to tell DB1 anything when he called and dad was still in this morning.
Spoke to DM who told me she had phoned but they had just passed thephone to Dad. Do I phoned and when thd phone was finally answered got a right jobsworth who to me she had spoken to DM and they only speak to one family member once a day. DM had alzheimers and even if she understands what she is told she forgets quickly which I pointed out. Attitude was very much "not my problem"! I made it clear I was not impressed and eventually got to speak to someone else who was actually sensible. I managed to find out Dad has pneumonia, is on IV antibiotics and will be in for few days and can have a visitor. So pulled out all the stops to get to mum - I'm not local to DPs and get her to the hospital for the 1-2 slot and mum is hard work to organise. Now have it recorded that they will speak notify me or brother of any developments and just keep mum happy. Knackered now, have had sufficient wine to make sure I can't drive anywhere this evening.