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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My Dad says I do nothing to help him...aibu?

193 replies

youknowitsnotthesame · 06/07/2022 09:04

I'm 36 and my dad is 77.
I live with my partner and he lives alone.
I stay with him 1 night a week just to keep him company really.
I'm an only child and he has a 2 year old dog.
He is still really active /fit /goes to the pub twice a week with his friends /walks etc
He constantly has a go at me and says I don't help him.

I go to the supermarket twice a week and get him anything he needs.
This morning he said "you don't go for me,you only pick my stuff up when you go for yourself"

I ring him twice a day and pop in daily(even when not staying )

When he had covid I was here daily,getting his newspaper /taking the dog out /getting any bits he needed.

Monday night he went to the pub and when he came back his dog had ripped a newspaper.
This morning he said "you didn't think about coming over yesterday and tidy the mess up"

It's constant.
He just constantly says I do "nothing for him"
My partner says I do more than enough.
Anything my Dad wanted I would do for him.
He could ask me to drive two hours to pick up his favourite tea bags and I would just to make him happy .

Aibu? Do I do more ?

OP posts:

Original poster

youknowitsnotthesame · 06/07/2022 09:05

If he comes back from the pub and I'm here ...he asks why I haven't got the tea made for him.
I only cone back to put the dog in the garden

OP posts:

StrangeCondition · 06/07/2022 09:06

You do plenty, what more does he expect? I'd withdraw all my help for couple of weeks, let him cope on his own and see exactly how much you do do for him.

Ungrateful arse

IncompleteSenten · 06/07/2022 09:08

Tell him ok. I do nothing for you? Right. I will do nothing for you and when you realise how much 'nothing' I'd, give me a call to apologise.

Then I would do exactly that!

Hoppinggreen · 06/07/2022 09:08

He is taking the piss and you are letting him. Nothing you do will be enough
What was his relationship with your Mum like? Did she wait on him hand and foot and now he expects you to?

SirChenjins · 06/07/2022 09:08

Your dad needs to get a paid housekeeper if he feels like it’s not enough. This is emotional blackmail - your DP is right you do more than enough. Time to stand your ground!

violetbunny · 06/07/2022 09:09

Yep, I would just stop doing anything. You do loads and it sounds like he's completely taking you for granted.

dudsville · 06/07/2022 09:09

Omg, you're doing much more than I would. I would not stay overnight on a regular basis just to help keep him company, i don't think that's a reasonable expectation of father to daughter. I don't think shopping twice a week for him on a regular bassist is reasonable either. It's like you're his house keeper or wife. Help him set up an online shop. I would help during emergencies, but otherwise i would just visit, and probably not weekly. Ringing him twice daily and popping in daily. This is all far, far too much. Its odd OP.

barbrahunter · 06/07/2022 09:10

Sounds like because you're female he thinks you should be running around after him. He's bullying you and I fear you'll have to tell him a few things outright such as you will not be spoken to like that. You're also doing more than enough. You're allowing yourself to be bullied. What was he like towards you when you were growing up?

purplecorkheart · 06/07/2022 09:10

I think your Dad thinks you are his unpaid servant rather than his daughter. It sounds like you do plenty for him and that he is ungrateful. I would do nothing for him for a couple of weeks and let him see what it is like.

MatildaTheCat · 06/07/2022 09:10

He sounds very miserable and possibly lonely. Definitely don’t try and do more for him but maybe gently point out that he’s not actually being very nice to you a lot of the time .

would it help if instead of just going there you took him out somewhere and/or took him to the supermarket to do his own shopping? Depending on his health it should be possible for him to be independent and your time together to be fun.

Is he recently bereaved? Maybe he’s been used to being looked after and it’s his expectation of love that a woman ‘does’ for him?

Good luck it sounds very hard.

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 06/07/2022 09:10

I would stop doing what you do now as he sees it as "nothing". He needs a dose of reality and what life would be like if you truly did nothing for him. You do plenty and he's being mean and unreasonable.

BudgetTarzan · 06/07/2022 09:12

My dad is 77 and capable of cleaning his own house and doing his own shopping as well as going to the pub twice a week with his friends and walking his own dog.

What you have is an ungrateful misogynist prick for a father who is under the misguided apprehension that you are his house servant.

Chattycathydoll · 06/07/2022 09:13

Has your dad always expected you to mother him?

bridgetreilly · 06/07/2022 09:18

He’s fit and active - he can do things for himself! You’re not his servant. He needs to get a grip.

AnnaMagnani · 06/07/2022 09:18

He's mistaken you for his wife. And he's mistaken that role for a slave.

He's a fit and well 77 yr old - you can tell him exactly what you do and that you are able to withdraw your labour at any time if it suits you. Which at the moment it does as he is unpleasant to be around.

He may be more appreciative of your nothing afterwards.

BMW6 · 06/07/2022 09:19

WTF!

He's fit and well enough to look after himself without ANY help from you!

He sees you as a replacement housewife. Stop right now. If he rings you moaning about it hang up. Do not do anything in his home apart perhaps from making you BOTH a cup of tea. If he starts whinging get up and go home.

Seriously, stuff that. He's not infirm and incapable, just an arse.

rookiemere · 06/07/2022 09:20

Was going to say what @AnnaMagnani . He has mistaken you for his wife, be careful with doing so much for him that your actual DH - who appears to have his head screwed on and be on your side - gets narked.
I'd step well back. Go away on holiday for a couple of weeks, you're doing way too much already.

SamanthaVimes · 06/07/2022 09:24

IncompleteSenten · 06/07/2022 09:08

Tell him ok. I do nothing for you? Right. I will do nothing for you and when you realise how much 'nothing' I'd, give me a call to apologise.

Then I would do exactly that!

Absolutely this!

You’re doing way more than most people ever would. If he can’t be grateful I wouldn’t bother

orbitalcrisis · 06/07/2022 09:25

"You're right dad, what I do is nothing, I'll stop." He's taking advantage, you're already doing too much and he shows no application, don't do it anymore. You have your own life to sort out, let him do his own. You don't owe him anything.

Original poster

youknowitsnotthesame · 06/07/2022 09:26

That's the annoying thing he has no health issues what so ever.
He is just constantly miserable.
Even tho he is out 2/3 times per week with his friends to the pub /goes to the races etc.
I only live 5 min walk away so that's why he assumes I should do more.
He's angry all the time.

OP posts:

BackToTheTop · 06/07/2022 09:27

You're right dad, I'm going to stop doing nothing for you, and really do nothing. When you're ready to apologise you can call me and I'll go back to doing the 'nothing' you think I do

Rainbowqueeen · 06/07/2022 09:28

You do more than most family members would.

And tbh if he is fit and healthy, the best thing to keep him that way would be if he did everything for himself and you only saw him for social occasions. Move it or lose it.

He’s clearly used to a woman doing all the domestic stuff and can’t fathom that it needs to be up to him now

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 06/07/2022 09:30

You're not his bloody slave. Disappear for a month or two. See if you prefer it and if you do have a serious think about whether you want him in your life.

Was he a good father when you were a child?

Littlebirdyouaresosweet · 06/07/2022 09:30

Await the dementia comments op..
But he could simply be a miserable old git!!
You do plenty. Mroe than any law says you need to!

user75 · 06/07/2022 09:31

what does he do for you?

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