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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think sex is overrated and not all that important?

214 replies

NoNoLabido · 04/07/2022 20:59

I'm in my late 20's and as it stands I'd probably be happy not to bother with it ever again, or atleast for the fordeeable future.

I have young children and some health problems all of which I'm sure contribute to the loss of libido to an extent but even without those factors I can't wrap my head around just why some people are so obsessed with it. My husband falls into that category. He would gladly have it three times a day if he could. Obviously that's a problem.

I digress, AIBU to think sex just isn't as important as people make it out to be?

There is more to life than orgasms and more than one way to be intimate.

OP posts:
SquirrelSoShiny · 04/07/2022 21:03

You're entitled to feel that way but you must understand that this is going to put huge pressure on your marriage if you both have such a huge incompatibility of needs. Did you always feel that way? It's common with young children to feel like you're already having too many demands for touch and attention so time and medical advice might improve things.

vanillarum · 04/07/2022 21:03

There is more to life than orgasms and more than one way to be intimate

The former is true. The latter, I consider all forms of physical intimacy to be "sex", so I think it is important for a healthy relationship. Emotional intimacy is a different thing

Original poster
NoNoLabido · 04/07/2022 21:04

I forgot to add, in the event of somebody saying "you just haven't been having good sex" it's not about that either. DH is very generous in the bedroom. It's not him, it's sex itself.

OP posts:
MrsPartridgeKleio · 04/07/2022 21:05

I love sex, I'd happily have it three times a day. My OH isn't that fussed. Horses for courses.

Chattycathydoll · 04/07/2022 21:07

I used to think that until I met DP. 3 years on and it’s still the most wonderful experience. I’ve had ‘generous’ exes and it’s nothing to do with that- something to do with connection, intensity, angles?! I’m on a medication that affects my libido so it takes me a minute to get going, but once we start it’s incredible every single time.

Fifi0102 · 04/07/2022 21:07

It can be hormonal related It might be you are a bit bored and knackered!, My libido was severely reduced. My OH started giving me massages , dressing in better clothes lots of tactile touching and things hotted up again.

Original poster
NoNoLabido · 04/07/2022 21:08

SquirrelSoShiny · 04/07/2022 21:03

You're entitled to feel that way but you must understand that this is going to put huge pressure on your marriage if you both have such a huge incompatibility of needs. Did you always feel that way? It's common with young children to feel like you're already having too many demands for touch and attention so time and medical advice might improve things.

I haven't always felt this way no. Pre-children I used to enjoy it almost as much as him. When my health was better. There is also infidelity in the past (him not me) and my friend suggested that was the reason for my lack of sex drive as she can't fathom me just not wanting to have sex ever again but my libido was on it's way out before he cheated so I can't put it down to that either..

That's probably why he cheated and I'm sure folks will think he was perfectly entitled to.

OP posts:
halfsiesonapotnoodle · 04/07/2022 21:09

I agree OP. I just can't be bothered with it.

Original poster
NoNoLabido · 04/07/2022 21:09

Chattycathydoll · 04/07/2022 21:07

I used to think that until I met DP. 3 years on and it’s still the most wonderful experience. I’ve had ‘generous’ exes and it’s nothing to do with that- something to do with connection, intensity, angles?! I’m on a medication that affects my libido so it takes me a minute to get going, but once we start it’s incredible every single time.

An antidepressant by any chance? If so then me too (well that among other things)

OP posts:
Original poster
NoNoLabido · 04/07/2022 21:10

halfsiesonapotnoodle · 04/07/2022 21:09

I agree OP. I just can't be bothered with it.

Thank god, I'm so glad I'm not alone 😄

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 04/07/2022 21:11

YABU. Sex is the difference between a friendship and a relationship. Don't expect your husband to hang around if you unilaterally decide that sex is off the table without any kind of discussion or understanding of what he wants too.

NDandMe · 04/07/2022 21:11

I thought that, turns out I prefer sex with women, so once I figured that out it clarified things for me.

newbiename · 04/07/2022 21:11

I agree.

veggiemonster · 04/07/2022 21:11

I think that your opinion is 100% valid. I don't agree and enjoy it very much. DP and I have been together for four years and I've always been the one with a much higher drive.
It's been a massive issue for me at times but I haven't ever mentioned it because a) don't want him to agree at any point because he feels he has to to 'please me' and b) I've just learnt to live with it.

Has your husband ever spoken about it to you?

Disclaimer, obviously you absolutely don't ever have to have sex if you do not want to

SquirrelSoShiny · 04/07/2022 21:12

If he's been unfaithful I'm not surprised you're not feeling that attracted to him. I think emotional safety and connection are so important in a sexual relationship and not talked about nearly enough. It may be that with a different partner your mojo would come back with a bang.

Original poster
NoNoLabido · 04/07/2022 21:15

CalistoNoSolo · 04/07/2022 21:11

YABU. Sex is the difference between a friendship and a relationship. Don't expect your husband to hang around if you unilaterally decide that sex is off the table without any kind of discussion or understanding of what he wants too.

It's a bit more complicated than that when you have a disabled child that requires round the clock care. Not a simple case of saying "right fuck this I'm leaving, I'll see DC EOW"

OP posts:
Original poster
NoNoLabido · 04/07/2022 21:15

NDandMe · 04/07/2022 21:11

I thought that, turns out I prefer sex with women, so once I figured that out it clarified things for me.

How did you figure it out?

OP posts:
Crunchingleaf · 04/07/2022 21:17

I don’t think it defines a relationship, but it’s a lovely feeling being cuddled into your OH after sex. Having a couple of moments where all that matters is the two of you together.
long term it’s very difficult for a relationship to survive when one wants sex and the other doesn’t.

Original poster
NoNoLabido · 04/07/2022 21:20

veggiemonster · 04/07/2022 21:11

I think that your opinion is 100% valid. I don't agree and enjoy it very much. DP and I have been together for four years and I've always been the one with a much higher drive.
It's been a massive issue for me at times but I haven't ever mentioned it because a) don't want him to agree at any point because he feels he has to to 'please me' and b) I've just learnt to live with it.

Has your husband ever spoken about it to you?

Disclaimer, obviously you absolutely don't ever have to have sex if you do not want to

We have spoken about it a few times yes, those conversations were initiated by me. I explained that I felt under pressure alot of the time and he acknowledged my POV and said he would relax a little. I assured him I still find him attractive which I do. I told him it's nothing to do with him it's just sex I've completely gone off and when I feel under pressure to have sex I don't want it makes me want it even less.

After a little while he will start dropping hints and if I don't initiate something he'll ask me if there's any chance of sex. I'll reluctantly agree and then spend the rest of the day dreading it because I don't actually want it, but then I feel I have to force myself to do it because of comments such as that above "don't expect him to hang around" when I actually need him to hang around for DC.

OP posts:
Noideaatall · 04/07/2022 21:22

I agree with you. I've never been particularly interested though, except while I was pregnant, but no one wanted to have sex with me so it was wasted. I really don't care now if I never have sex again.

Original poster
NoNoLabido · 04/07/2022 21:22

SquirrelSoShiny · 04/07/2022 21:12

If he's been unfaithful I'm not surprised you're not feeling that attracted to him. I think emotional safety and connection are so important in a sexual relationship and not talked about nearly enough. It may be that with a different partner your mojo would come back with a bang.

It has probably contributed slightly but my libido was already on it's way down before he did it iyswim?

A different partner isn't an option I'm a FT carer I couldn't even begin think about dating and part of me is glad about that because I know men will expect sex 🙈

OP posts:
Iceewicee · 04/07/2022 21:22

Well if you're depressed, you are caring around the clock for your kids and had a partner who's been unfaithful, I can't see many people being up for it in those circumstances TBH.

GreyTS · 04/07/2022 21:23

Nooo! God I love sex, well sex with a particular person, I will admit that when the children were small I went off it completely. Just all touched out and felt very self conscious of my changed body. And I lost all attraction to my DH. Unfortunately it never came back and we split up, it was definitely a contributing factor. It's only not important until you're not having it and then it's the most important thing

Original poster
NoNoLabido · 04/07/2022 21:24

Iceewicee · 04/07/2022 21:22

Well if you're depressed, you are caring around the clock for your kids and had a partner who's been unfaithful, I can't see many people being up for it in those circumstances TBH.

So you don't think it's a 'me' problem?

He can't grasp me not wanting it. He can't wrap his head around it.

OP posts:
NDandMe · 04/07/2022 21:25

NoNoLabido · 04/07/2022 21:15

How did you figure it out?

Show quote history

I gave myself space to think about the possibility, for a start. I got together with my ex when I was very young, came from a religious background, life got busy with children, and I just didn't think about why I was so disinterested. As I got older I became more self confident and also made friends with some women who had been through similar life experiences. We talked a lot about it.

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