To think sex is overrated and not all that important?

[NoNoLabido]

I'm in my late 20's and as it stands I'd probably be happy not to bother with it ever again, or atleast for the fordeeable future.

I have young children and some health problems all of which I'm sure contribute to the loss of libido to an extent but even without those factors I can't wrap my head around just why some people are so obsessed with it. My husband falls into that category. He would gladly have it three times a day if he could. Obviously that's a problem.

I digress, AIBU to think sex just isn't as important as people make it out to be?

There is more to life than orgasms and more than one way to be intimate.

Or asexual.
Or just doesn’t have libido for whatever reason.

I see your point, it doesn't help matters for me to trivialise his want/need for sex and come across resentful. The truth is I am a bit resentful though. I will try not to have that come across when we discuss things.

I am due to have counselling so I will raise this when I do and try and unpick things.

People who have highlighted his cheating I do think that contributes probably more than I let on initially. Whilst my sex drive was on its way down before he did it, it certainly wasn't a sexless marriage and we averaged at about once a week, so yes low by some standards but not abnormal or non existent. I had more inclination to try and nurture our relationship then when I felt it actually meant something to him.

@NAMEchangeOUTOFembarrassment if you are asexual, I presume you would mention this to a potential partner before you got married or had children?

I missed the bit where he cheated. This for me would be the game changer. I couldn’t be intimate with someone who had cheated on me.

If I'm truly honest with myself I don't think any amount of sex would stop him from straying. As I said above we were having sex atleast once a week when he cheated on me.

I also found out from his XW that he cheated on her too, but I didn't know that until I discovered he'd done it to me. We get along well and she was at pains to tell me "it's not you, it's him"

Whilst he's a brilliant hands on father that bends over backwards to do his best for DC there is a big elephant in the room where sex is concerned, to the extent I used to suspect a sex addiction. He was honest with me about the fact he used to watch alot of porn and whilst occasional use I'm sure is fine it's not exactly normal to be so obsessed with it surely?

Overall yes we are incompatible now. I couldn't have possibly realised that pre DC as we were having lots of sex for the first couple of years and everything felt great. Unfortunately whilst my circumstances have changed and I no longer feel that way about sex his mindset/needs haven't changed at all.

Sometimes I wish I never had DC because then all of this wouldn't be as big an issue as it is. The prospect of him leaving wouldn't scare me half to death because of the enormity of me being left single handed to care for DC. Plenty of parents manage being single parents, but throw in a profoundly disabled child who requires round the clock care then it's not as easy. Throw in my own health problems on top of all that it's nigh on impossible. I don't have anybody else.

I suppose the only thing I can do is open up the marriage and turn a blind eye to his goings on.

The point was someone saying marriage/relationship is pointless without sex.
Obviously that’s not true for many people, for many different reasons.

So why’d you only picked the asexual part?

I'm sorry that you took it that way - perhaps that was a bad choice of word. My friend also has a grown daughter in her 30s like this and I know how much of a routine she has with her - day in day out. Do you ever have any respite care? I also have another family member who has a son like this but she has eventually placed him in full time care. If I can explain I wasn't saying your life was bland I was referring to your answers which sound devoid of any feeling. I'm sorry you feel like this.

You have a lot on your plate and a husband who has no respect for you- it would be stranger if you did want to have sex in those circumstances.

You need to leave him. You and your kids deserve better than this half life.

Gosh. Some of the replies on here are awful.

op Why don't you try looking at what's happening with some self compassion? Pretend it's someone else telling the story, which sounds like:

1. Their DH cheated and he hasn't apologised, he's made it feel like it was because they didn't give him enough sex
2. As a result there's an unwritten rule that if they don't have sex X times a week bad things will happen and it will be her fault
3. when they do have sex it's all about him and his great performance, not about connection or what might make her feel good. He insists on a long session with oral sex even though she doesn't like it
4. She is exhausted by being a full time carer and what she actually needs is a break and looking after

Would you tell her she was unreasonable not to want sex? Why would anyone want to have sex in those circumstances?

Personally I think he's being sexually abusive and your subconscious is trying to protect you. I've been in a similar marriage myself. We split up, and I can't get enough of current DP. Probably because he never ever pressures me and sex is about love and connection, not performance and "finishing"

Honestly op. Listen to his ex wife. This is him not you.

www.mycwa.org.uk/sexual-abuse

You're not 'wrong' for not being fussed by sex. Lots of people have lower sex drives, children and the general pace of everyday life and antidepressants can all dampen your libido, it's all well within the realms of normal. Being cheated on is certainly not going to make you want to be intimate with someone - a horrendous betrayal of trust does not exactly inspire the kind of trusting, open atmosphere you need for good sex.

But:

how can something as trivial as sex be the reason an entire family unit is teetering on the verge of collapse. How can it be that important?

It is important to lots of people. It's a bonding experience, that is part of that family unit. He isn't wrong for wanting it, either. Plenty of people see sex as intrinsic to their romantic relationships and that's a reasonable thing for them to want.

He has done three of those things on the link:

"Pressuring or forcing you to do something sexual" - insists on giving me oral sex and using his hands when I've said I don't want it and have outright said it makes me feel uncomfortable. Rushes to do it forcefully before I can stop him because he knows its not wanted.

"Sending you sexually explicit texts and photos without your consent" - Yep this used to be a regular occurrence until i was very blunt and said just stop. I never once asked him to send me pictures of his erect penis but he would do it multiple times a week from the work toilets where I can only assume he was masturbating. That was supposed to turn me on.

"Touching you sexually when you don’t want them to" - Yes, as recent as yesterday even though he knows without a shadow of a doubt that I don't like it and why.

😔

I don’t understand how married couples still want to have sex with each other a few years down the road! I haven’t had sex with my husband for a few years and he doesn’t seem bothered - we live with each other happily enough but just don’t fancy each other. I do want sex but it’s easy to go without when you don’t fancy anyone. I guess I will one day when I meet someone I find attractive.

Some people still find their partners attractive after years of marriage! I've been with DH 10 years and we still fancy the pants of each other!

OP you sound desperately unhappy - this isn't a good relationship for any of you.

It sounds like you have lost your emotional connection and romantic interest in your partner.

If he cheated on you and you are exhausted and stressed all the time because of your caring responsibilities and health issues then it is understandable that you are not feeling like having sex with him.

It sounds to me like sex isn't the main problem itself it is your current life circumstances and the lack of sex is a symptom of deeper issues.

If your husband is just pestering you for sex without supporting you with caring for your kid and trying to get your health sorted and you no longer trust him because he cheated in the past, of course that is going to be a complete turn off.
I would look at your overall relationship and wonder whether this is still the right partner for you.

how can something as trivial as sex be the reason an entire family unit is teetering on the verge of collapse. How can it be that important?

For lots of people it is important- there's nothing wrong with that.
Just like there's nothing wrong with how you feel.

Christ.

Your last post just shows why this both is and isn't about sex.

Why not post on the Special Needs board about getting any other support for your child? (Maybe you already do). Because if that factor were less important you might have the space to make other decisions.

I think the reason I don't see sex as special is because I could have sex with anyone. I've had sex with hook ups and random people I've never spoken to again, and it didn't feel like we were bonding or having an intimate time together or that I was vulnerable. It was just a shag. So to me, sex isn't really a "romantic" thing, it's a carnal thing. I wouldn't cuddle with someone I didn't have feelings for, but could have sex with someone I had no feelings for, so to me cuddling and just touching each other that way feels more intimate than sex. Romance to me isn't sex. Sex is horniness rather than an act of love, to me.

I can relate.

I had zero libido in my previous relationship, I thought it was because of my age (peri) but it turned out that it was the more I felt pressured by him to do it, the less I wanted to. I use to get bombarded with pictures of heels and really outlandish clothing items stuff that wasn't me (and I had told him that right at the beginning of our relationship).

Anyway - because of the immense pressure I felt, I absolutely have ZERO desire to ever get close enough to another man to be back in that situation. I could happily never have sex again.

I miss 'intimacy' in the kisses and cuddles, being in bed holding someone, but the physical act... not one bit.

Luckily he's out there with someone compatible and I'm happy seeing to myself .... I do it better anyway :-)

OK @NoNoLabido your latest post has got me squarely thinking that he has a sex problem - not in terms of 'addiction' but he is looking at everything through the wrong lens and is trying to coerce you into things that are unacceptable to you.

It sounds like you two are fundamentally incompatible unless he is willing to see that the way he acts would turn off 95% of women or more.

This post isn't really about the importance of sex is it.

OP, I forgave my ex after he cheated on me, but our sex life was never the same because honestly how can it be?
I'm not usually one to shout divorce is the only option, but this sounds like a life of misery for you, your kids, and your cheating husband. I'm sorry.

*If I'm truly honest with myself I don't think any amount of sex would stop him from straying. As I said above we were having sex atleast once a week when he cheated on me.

I also found out from his XW that he cheated on her too, but I didn't know that until I discovered he'd done it to me. We get along well and she was at pains to tell me "it's not you, it's him"*

Hea a dud.

Hea a cheater.

He sounds like a sex pest.

He actually sounds like sex/porn addict.

Hes been coercive.

The cheating was a massive betrayal, even worse with kids esp special needs children.

Once a week is extremely often in my view for people with young kids including special needs.

Are you a sex doll/robot ... what happens when either person's drive drops due to depression, illness, I jury, any Da tor whatsoever; a real partner tolerates it, ours in it perspective. He cant.

...... No wonder you don't feel like fucking him.

I'm sorry op
Hope this is not too much for you to read. Would it be possible for you to see a counsellor or similar so you can have somewhere to discuss this safely and decide what to do?
Or ask MNHQ to move the thread to relationships. AIBU is not the best place for a rational discussion

If you'd known his previous marriage broke down due to his infidelity, would you have stayed with him and had children with him?

He even lied by omission about that to scam you into a relationship and kids.

Tbh he has the profile of someone who, if they ever got into cam sex or "escorts" would be a steady customer, spending half your family income.

Even if he doesn't, he's a serial cheat and soubdx extent focused on and entitled about sex.

I think you'll probably enjoy sex again sometime in future with someone who's not like him op.

this isn't a good relationship for any of you.

I'm curious as to what would be a good relationship for him, given it sounds like he's a serial cheat and sex pest.

Swinging?

He should probably stay single and have casual sex, instead of doing what he's done to his ex and now op, with kids involved.

He won't though.

but he would do it multiple times a week from the work toilets where I can only assume he was masturbating

He's way above and beyond most men's behaviour. I've had plenty of relationships relationships with men who love sex and masturbate, but none of them choose chose beat off in their workplace. He has issues. No wonder you feel the way you do.