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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think sex is overrated and not all that important?

214 replies

NoNoLabido · 04/07/2022 20:59

I'm in my late 20's and as it stands I'd probably be happy not to bother with it ever again, or atleast for the fordeeable future.

I have young children and some health problems all of which I'm sure contribute to the loss of libido to an extent but even without those factors I can't wrap my head around just why some people are so obsessed with it. My husband falls into that category. He would gladly have it three times a day if he could. Obviously that's a problem.

I digress, AIBU to think sex just isn't as important as people make it out to be?

There is more to life than orgasms and more than one way to be intimate.

OP posts:
MolkosTeenageAngst · 04/07/2022 22:15

I don’t like sex at all. The feeling of being
touched intimately (by others or touching myself) is generally overwhelming in a very negative way for me, it doesn’t feel good. I have never had an orgasm. I haven’t had consensual sex in over decade and don’t intend to have it again as it really doesn’t do anything for me.

AllTheDancers · 04/07/2022 22:15

Fifi0102 · 04/07/2022 21:07

It can be hormonal related It might be you are a bit bored and knackered!, My libido was severely reduced. My OH started giving me massages , dressing in better clothes lots of tactile touching and things hotted up again.

I think theres a huge amount of pressure on women to have more sex than they would actually choose to have. The OP has clearly had sex often enough to have children but has a rather sex obsessed husband.

For most of human history, women would have got pregnant from having sex. There would have been far less sex for purely recreational purposes - it might have been recreational but it would likely have produced pregnancy. I'm sure men were capable of abstaining when necessary and the current idea that men are somehow entitled to lots of sex is probably a modern invention.

Jennybeans401 · 04/07/2022 22:17

I think sex is very overrated, yes it's nice sometimes but you can be intimate in other ways together.

RosesAndHellebores · 04/07/2022 22:17

OP, I'm 62. We've been married for 32 years. We are the best of friends. I'm not going into any details but you sound exhausted from your circumstances. Add in the fact that your partner has been unfaithful and you feel pressured into doing something you don't want to do. It doesn't sound a nice place to be and

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/07/2022 22:18

Tallulasdancingshoes · 04/07/2022 22:01

OP I’m with you, I can’t be bothered either. Someone always seems to need something from me so by the time the kids are in bed and the jobs are done, all I want to do is read my book and go to sleep. I don’t think I’d be particularly bothered if I never had sex again.

That’s interesting because it suggests you think sex is something you’re giving someone else or giving in to rather than something that’s positive and nurturing for you. Having sex gives me energy, relaxes me, makes me feel more than a mum.

RestingMurderousFace · 04/07/2022 22:18

I haven't had it since 2011. Don't miss it one bit. YANBU.

RosesAndHellebores · 04/07/2022 22:19

Sorry - didn't mean to post. .........as MNet would say, I think you have contracted the "ick" and who could blame you. You need time and space and a much much kinder and nicer and better partner.

SirenSays · 04/07/2022 22:22

I'd happily have sex and orgasm all day long if life would allow! But I don't think I could ever be sexually attracted to a partner who had cheated on me.

AllTheDancers · 04/07/2022 22:22

But unless you have a very high sex drive, after years of marriage, the initial excitement is going to wear off and if you don't want kids, the only real purpose of sex is enjoyment, preferably with someone who makes you feel comfortable enough that they don't put their needs first.

Original poster
NoNoLabido · 04/07/2022 22:26

MolkosTeenageAngst · 04/07/2022 22:15

I don’t like sex at all. The feeling of being
touched intimately (by others or touching myself) is generally overwhelming in a very negative way for me, it doesn’t feel good. I have never had an orgasm. I haven’t had consensual sex in over decade and don’t intend to have it again as it really doesn’t do anything for me.

This is how I feel about sex with another person (in this case DH) these days.

He is very preoccupied with making sure I'm having enjoyable sex so he insists on lots of foreplay even though I have said I just don't want it. I told him I just don't want oral sex much these days and cited a few reasons why. I said I was happier with "quickies" and he still insists on giving me oral sex. If I say I don't want it he pushes the boundaries and tries to do it anyway.

I find it exactly as you have described, overwhelming in a negative way.

OP posts:
NeedSomeHeadspace · 04/07/2022 22:26

I don’t understand how married couples still want to have sex with each other a few years down the road! I haven’t had sex with my husband for a few years and he doesn’t seem bothered - we live with each other happily enough but just don’t fancy each other. I do want sex but it’s easy to go without when you don’t fancy anyone. I guess I will one day when I meet someone I find attractive.

BellePeppa · 04/07/2022 22:32

I agree. There’s a lot of things better than sex (I’d rather have a scalp massage over sex any day). I’ve given sex up now and really happy about it. I had an active sex life for many years but since being single I’ve not missed it one bit, love going to bed alone and don’t intend on having it again and I used to be a sexy/sexual person but went off the whole thing. I’d hate to have someone at home hassling me about it.

ChrisReasBathEggs · 04/07/2022 22:34

I'm the same and luckily so is my partner. We are both busy with work and have young kids. I prefer going to the gym! It has just dwindled off but neither of us are bothered. Feel quite self concious after kids too with the changes to my body after. I don't feel 'sexy' anymore.

I've co-slept and breastfed kids for years and I don't share a bed with DH as we are light sleepers. Sex just isn't at the forefront of our minds right now. I don't really look at other men (think I might have got chatted up yesterday, but I'm not sure as I'm no oil painting and I'm just not interested despite the guy being attractive!). If I was single again I am not sure I could be bothered with dating. I think it is just age (40s) as my late teens and early twenties were very promiscuous, so I liked sex then, but looking back I do feel like I was taken advantage of to some extent asI was quite fragile, so I think that's part of the reason I have gone off it now.

Mabelshouse · 04/07/2022 22:34

i can’t be bothered with it to be honest.

Original poster
NoNoLabido · 04/07/2022 22:36

I had a fair amount of sex in my formative years and not all of it was consensual as theres a bit of trauma there, I'm wondering if my subconscious now associates sex to being something negative and my 'dread' is something of a freeze response? It's strange though as I didn't feel this way before DC even though the negative experiences happened quite a long time before DH came along. Can things be triggered years after the fact?

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 04/07/2022 22:47

@NoNoLabido I find your description of your life really distressing. You sound completely trapped and very depressed. You're having sex you don't want because you have so little support apart from your husband. You're on drugs to allow you to keep functioning (I'm on antidepressants too and am a fan - I actually wonder if you are on a high enough dose - but there are times when they are a tool to keep us in a life that otherwise would be untenable). You're dealing with past trauma and past infidelity. Your son presents an almost unmanageable challenge and your are clearly dedicated to his care and sacrificing your entire self for his wellbeing.

I don't think that means you 'should' want sex if you were 'fixed' but I do think that a person's feelings about sex are a complex web of physiology, history and circumstances. How could you possibly feel you want sex in your current circumstances? You are in such deficit of love and nurturing and being made to give what you don't have to try and placate your husband as the only oerson who does actually do something to help you.

I still have no answers. I just feel so much for you. I think you should be in therapy except I would be afraid you would feel it as yet another demand on you.

mackthepony · 04/07/2022 22:48

I do think it's overrated, yes.

EarthSight · 04/07/2022 22:48

There are so many issues here -

Possible depression
Tiredness
Family responsibilities that are not conducive to feeling erotic
Health issues
Past relationship issues
Serious mismatch of sex drives. Three times a day is a high sex drive. It's not nice feeling rejected, but it's a massive turn off for most women to feel like they are being pawed at or bothered all the time for sex, as if you are a slot machine. It's not nice feeling like you're groped, like that's the main thing that runs through their heads all the time. I'm sure it's wonderful for two people with matching high sex drives, but for everyone else it's unpleasant. Not all men are like that either btw. Plenty of men just want it on the weekend and some men every few months, although the latter is more usual I think.

If I say I don't want it he pushes the boundaries and tries to do it anyway

That's because giving oral is more for him than for you. If it was really all for you, he would listen. Some men get turned on by oral - it doesn't neccessarily mean they are generous, even though they can hide it under the guise of generosity.

RiojaRose · 04/07/2022 22:48

Can things be triggered years after the fact?

Yes, absolutely. Especially when you consider your DH’s cheating. And the fact that you’re having sex to survive instead of because you want it. Flowers

mackthepony · 04/07/2022 22:49

Can things be triggered years after the fact?

^

I'm in no way an expert, but I'd say yes.

EarthSight · 04/07/2022 22:50

Another reason - past trauma. I really don't think it's helping that you're with someone with such a high sex drive. Can't imagine that the conflicts and situations that arise form that would make you feel like you had ownership over your own body.

HardTimesHarder · 04/07/2022 22:52

I think I understand OP.
I’m no where near as keen as my DP. He would happily have it every day. We tend to have it about twice a week. I’d have it more if he asked for it more.
i certainly don’t hate it and love that he enjoys it but if I lived alone I wouldn’t miss it or seek it out. I have never ‘self served’ and doesn’t interest me in anyway. It’s just ‘okay’ to me.

I do find I might want it on ovulation day. It tends to be that I think “I better make an effort so we can feel close” and then we have it and I realise it was hormonal. I’m guessing it may be a hormonal thing in general for me.

We also work completely separate times so I start at 8am and get home at 6. He starts at 5pm and gets home at midnight so I think twice a week (and maybe once sleepily half way through the night) Is okay going after 4 years.

I do think you can feel close without sex though. I sleep naked every night and we cuddle throughout the whole night. We kiss every evening too. I think that can feel very intimate without there being any sex.

HardTimesHarder · 04/07/2022 22:53

Forgot to add, I was also raped as a teen so that may have an effect too.

ChrisReasBathEggs · 04/07/2022 22:54

Sorry to hear that OP. It could well be the case. For me it was consensual to an extent, but myself and the guys I was with were often out if it and I look back and wonder if they were being opportunistic (to be fair though I was so out if it and they could have been on the same level as me). There are genuine traumas too that weren't consensual, but I do feel like I have dealt with them.

I do love my partner, but I don't feel attractive and in some ways I'm glad he might not be attracted to me. I feel in control when I've decided I don't want it and won't do it. I'm working on getting fit and I find that much more empowering now than doing that for the purpose of being attractive to men. I suppose it is an attitude shift to some extent and not wanting to live my life around what men want from me.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate which could be impacting your libido, but it is wrong for your partner to pester you when you have dealt with that trauma in the past. You need to tell him that. I think it all comes down to whether sex is a deal breaker for him and if he is happy to wait or make the effort so that you find him attractive again.

Original poster
NoNoLabido · 04/07/2022 22:59

Thank you all for your understanding of my position. I appreciate the empathy. Temporary and others you have hit the nail on the head I think.

Earth you are spot on about the oral sex I do think it's for his benefit more than it is mine.

The irony here is that PIV sex doesn't last that long at all and if it weren't for his insistence that he give me oral sex or use his hands aswell I probably wouldn't feel so much dread as I could grin and bare it for a few minutes with less angst as I know that's all it'll be, a few minutes.

I think part of him feels insecure about not being able to last a long time and he wants to make up for that with the rest. He isn't happy with his performance unless I finish.

I broke down tonight and he has seen me crying so sex is most definitely off the cards, even he wouldn't expect it now.

OP posts: